I'm going crazy [3 month update]

[slowloris44]

I was in a serious relationship with my ex for about two years . The first year was great but we started to have a lot of misunderstandings and we were both highly sensitive , most of these would end in crying but making up . The later it became more frequent so we tried different methods of handling our issues which were none and just misunderstandings . At one point I broke it off because he was mistreating me not in a bad way but in a way that he was acting cold and acting like I didn't exsist all because we got Into an argument . I quickly came back not more than 24 hours later . So I tried very hard to not get on his nerves or have any misunderstandings but three weeks later we got into a small discussion and then he broke up with me over the phone . I was devastated . Later he came back one month later apologizing . I gave him another chance because I loved him .he said he knew what it was to be without me and that he never wanted to be without me . Everything was great for about two weeks and then again he just started acting different , not understanding my concerns and feeling , acting cold , not wanting to talk about it and then he broke up with me after 2 months . I read self help books to try to figure out how to make it work .He said he couldn't do it anymore , that it was too emotional , I was the cause of his self harm (which he had issues with since high school and frankly hurt me the most that he said that, I was always supportive of his issue . And every time we would argue he would hurt himself or have suicidal tendencies or cry and then I would shift all the blame to me so that he wouldn't feel bad.) and that he didn't know how to love me .also he mentioned that he didn't feel free . He always hanged out with his friends and I had no problem with it . There was just one incident where he hung out with his new friend and it was very late at night and I was upset about how late he stayed out and asked him what they were doing . That set off everything . I was yet again devastated and I told him that there is no reason to let go over an argument ! But he couldn't see it . I did all that I could , he was my everything , I begged and I just wanted it to work out . He was my first love . We are both 21 . I feel so worthless and that I'm too crazy to be held onto . It's been two weeks , I feel hopeless . I called him a couple of days ago and he told me he missed me and I asked him if he wanted to be with me and he said I don't know I have to think about and then he said I have to go . I'm a mess .. I feel so empty and we just had so much fun together , he told me he loved me and that he had never met anyone like me . I keep blaming myself for all of this , I tried to not start anything , not assume, not question or anything . I will admit I had my fault , but I tried so hard to straighten them out and work on myself too .

[Downtown]

He said... I was the cause of his self harm (which he had issues with since high school.... every time we would argue he would hurt himself or have suicidal tendencies or cry and then would shift all the blame to me so that he wouldn't feel bad.)

Loris, welcome to the LoveShack forum. What type of self harming had your exBF been doing "since high school"? I ask because "self-harming behavior, such as cutting" is one of the nine behavioral traits that is used in spotting BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The self harming done by BPDers typically includes behaviors such as arm cutting, head banging, punching their own heads, and punching solid walls.

 

Significantly, of the 157 disorders listed in APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5), only BPD has "cutting" listed as a defining trait. Moreover, many studies have shown that self harm like cutting is strongly associated with BPD. A 2004 hospital study, for example, found that

Self-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma.

See

J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004

.

I therefore suggest that you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exBF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., taking your exBF back or running right into the arms of another man just like him. Take care, Loris.

Edited August 3, 2016 by Downtown

[slowloris44]

Loris, welcome to the LoveShack forum. What type of self harming had your exBF been doing "since high school"? I ask because "self-harming behavior, such as cutting" is one of the nine behavioral traits that is used in spotting BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The self harming done by BPDers typically includes behaviors such as arm cutting, head banging, punching their own heads, and punching solid walls.

 

Downtown :

He had done all of them every time we fought . It made me feel terrible and I did my best to shift the blame all to me . I didn't know what else to do .

[Downtown]

Loris, have you followed the two links I provided to read about BPD warning signs? If so, it would be very helpful -- for purposes of this discussion -- if you would tell us which of those 18 symptoms apply very strongly and which apply very weakly.

[Satu]

Welcome to loveshack Loris.

 

You spent a lot of time walking on eggshells in this relationship, and that is not a happy situation to be in.

 

Always on the lookout, always checking yourself, always trying not to set things off. Feeling constricted and limited, spontaneity seeming too risky.

 

I've been there.

 

I think you need a rest from this, and a chance to breathe and uncoil.

 

Don't blame yourself.

 

Don't call him for a while.

 

Try to shed the feeling of urgency

 

If you're meant to be together, you will be.

 

Keep posting here.

 

You'll be ok.

 

 

Take care.

[slowloris44]

Yes I would say according to the 18 signs . I would say 6,7,14 and 10 ring a loud bell . But none other .

Thank you for everyone's input . I am utterly crushed and disappointed in not only him but mainly myself . I keep on going back into my past and just wishing I could change them.

[slowloris44]

Long story short I went out with my first serious boyfriend for two years. It was fantasstic for the first year but because we are both immature it quickly became just arguments after arguments. I broke up with him once because I felt so bad about him disrespecting me in a humilating way but I quickly came back the day after. we were back together for a month then he broke up with me. Another month goes by and then he comes back and then we last for two months and then he leaves me again. I call him and he says he doesnt know what he wants anymore. I leave it at that for a couple of weeks , later he emails me I respond as to why and im so hurt , and then i call him again. He still says he doesnt know ,he loves me but he needs to find himself. He also said that he wishes he had the courage I have to call him. Like he says that he didnt have the courage to call me..The problem is that i still love him but I dont want to just be waiting forever for him and at this point im so hopeless and sad I cant take it anymore, Im sad every day and its been almost two months. Nothing makes me happy anymore , and I feel like im just exsisting.I love , love and I loved loving him and being with him . Should I wait for him or not? at this point im just so confused and hurt. He was my first love and I feel like I can never feel as in love with anyone else. Please help

PS we are both 21 y.o.

[Thistooshallpass21]

Please for the your own health, run. Run as far and as fast as possible. I've been down a very similar road with an ex, every time it just makes you feel worse. You're young and have plenty of more people to meet. Do not continue to ride this seesaw. I promise you if you cut him out of your life things will get better. Situations like this are the definition of toxic.

[juniorrocha]

Should I wait for him or not?

 

No.

 

Why would you wait for someone who's clearly moving on? Please, answer that being honest with yourself. You don't have to post it here.

 

You said I shouldn't wait, so how am I supposed to live without his love?

By finding a different kind of love: love for yourself. Focus entirely on you. The first few days, weeks, maybe months, are going to be hard. Don't expect it to be all that easy. Some days will be easier to go through, some others will make you feel a huge pain, but as long as you're moving forward and improving yourself, eventually you'll see the light again.

 

And how can I move forward/improve myself?

First grieve for a while. Then force yourself out of this situation. Get up, do anything outside. Start slowly. I recommend entering some sort of activity like gym, jogging, biking, anything. It makes you feel better. Work on your career, studies, hobbies, go out with your friends, leave your memories/gifts in a locked box for a while (when you feel better you decide what to do with it), travel... there are so many things you can do without him. But don't forget the most important part: stay away from your ex's life. Block him everywhere, don't stalk, avoid places where you might find him. Start a new you, start a new life.

 

Make the above a challenge. Make it harder everyday. And don't give up. I made exactly that, and what have I earned so far (after 3 months and a half)? A hotter me. A more self-centered me. A more confident, nicer, smarter, and happier version of myself. It was very very hard at first, but once I had it going, everything became so much easier, and life a lot more enjoyable.

 

I'm sure you can do it. Cut him out of your life and start healing. Do it and you may feel sad now, but in a while you'll only wish you had done it before.

[Satu]

Never wait for anyone.

 

Life is what's happening now.

 

The future is a phantom that nobody can grasp.

 

 

Take care.

[RocketQueen]

Never wait for anyone.

 

Life is what's happening now.

 

The future is a phantom that nobody can grasp.

 

 

Take care.

 

I love this.

 

Sometimes the best advice comes in a simple undiluted with words form.

 

I have waited (in a situation similar to yours OP) for far too long. I couldn't grasp why he would continue to hurt and confuse me. The bottom line is it would continue for as long as I allowed it to.

 

I have stopped wasting my precious time and energy wondering why and how he does what he does (because I will never know the answer) and started questioning why I accepted it. Its a hard process but worth it.

 

Good Luck

[loveiswar101]

I love this.

 

The bottom line is it would continue for as long as I allowed it to.

 

Good Luck

 

 

Perfect. Take heed OP, we all should of just this little sentence.

[slowloris44]

As probably noted from my other threads , I was dumped again for the second time by the same person. I broke up with him once before all of this but I came back within a couple of hours(this was because he disrespected and humiliated me after a fight) . This was over this year and we had been going out for almost two years. (Long story sorry)

Its been almost two months since then and I cant stop blaming myself. Its driving me insane , ive never felt so low in my life! My ex broke up with me because he said he didnt know how to love me , that he couldnt see the next five years together (the last time he said 78 years) , that the last two years were the most emotional of his life and that throuhgout the relationship he wanted to kill himself . ( Hes had this problem of suicidal thoughts and cutting since he was 17 , we were together from 19-21 yo) So to be clear , I broke up with him once , came back a couple hours later. He broke up with me a month after that because of his family opinion , he came back a month later , we lasted two months and then he left again.

So here is the thing, I can admit to bringing assumption into the relationship , but I tried to actively work on it and I did improve a lot . Each time I would he said he didnt believe me or that i was uncapable of doing so. But also these were small assumptions I never assumed he cheated on me. They were more like misunderstandings between the two of us. I can also say that we were both immature. Sometimes it was my fault and sometimes it was his , but in both cases I blamed my self and said sorry for fear that he would hurt himself. After each argument he would hurt himself and I ended up feeling awful and scared for him. I would go out of my way to make him happy again . But after the first year he started assuming terrible things . I would ask him a simple question, and he would think that i was assuming something terrible that i wasnt even thinking of .. Another thing is that his family coddles him a lot so i started to do so as well; I cooked for him , loved him , cleaned for him , suprised him , tried to respect family and friend time, I messaged him every day (he also said in thend that he wanted to limit that too because it gave him anxiety)told him that i was blessed beyond belief to have him etc. He was my king . And after the first time he left me his father told him that he never wanted to see me again . His family got heavily involved in our relationship. they also said that he was prince charming too , and I felt so lucky. I know Im not a bad person , and I did the best I could I even begged for him back even this second time he left me but he said that he needs to findhimself and that even up to this point he still hurts himself. God i just loved him so much and I did all that i could to work on the relationship , and I became untrustful because of how he started lying about drug usage that i told him to tell me about , assuming in the end, telling me I had irrational thoughts , flirting with a friend of his in the beginning of the relationship .. all of that led me to mistrust and I think this is where our misunderstadings came from . When he came back the second time he said that I was his soulmate , bestfriend and love of his life and that he would never leave again. But he did again. Im devestated , i thought he was the one. But also the relationship was emotionally hard . I just remeber the good times and how perfect he was and I feel like I screwed up and lost him forever. I feel like Ill never love again and that nobody could love me because im intolerable.. HELP

I just cant see the end to this misery , i would do anything to get him back and I did beg him but he doesnt want me

[Miss Clavel]

I blamed my self and said sorry for fear that he would hurt himself. After each argument he would hurt himself and I ended up feeling awful and scared for him. I know Im not a bad person , and I did the best I could I even begged for him back even this second time he left me but he said that he needs to findhimself and that even up to this point he still hurts himself.

 

God i just loved him so much Im devestated , i thought he was the one. But also the relationship was emotionally hard . I just remeber the good times and how perfect he was and I feel like I screwed up and lost him forever. I feel like Ill never love again and that nobody could love me because im intolerable.. HELP

I just cant see the end to this misery , i would do anything to get him back and I did beg him but he doesnt want me

 

first of all, take a deep breath. then, take another one. it's over. let go. let him go. he's already gone.

 

what you are feeling is not emptiness, it's the absence of drama/chaos. and his life is full of chaos.

 

he is not emotionally capable of loving anyone, not you, not himself. not right now anyway.

 

he's got huge issues, taking a sharp and applying it to his skin deep enough to cause injury and need stitches, being just one of them.

 

i suggest you start using a mantra, after you see a doctor. i think you need some help to get the distance you need to see who he is, he and his family.

 

they are not your family and saying what they did to you is the worst i've heard and im very very old.

 

a mantra is phrase, a sentence you say, out loud, every day. you repeat this phrase, over and over and over, 100 times a day.

 

make up a phrase like, "it's over, the end", "im worth more'' "lucky for me, i got out" or "my life's just beginning".

 

keep saying this mantra for 90 days. you will be surprised at how much better you feel once you discover that you and he are not the same person. that you have a life to live and judging from the care you've shown him, it's going to be a good life with someone who adores you.

 

i guarantee you will feel better soon and your life will improve when you simply pay attention to yourself and not him.

 

good luck

[slowloris44]

It's been two months since my ex broke up with me . We were off and on I broke up with him once and he broke up with me twice consecutively . Over a span of 3 'months . Last thing he said was that he thought we could be friends and that it's better to go our separate ways . I just can't stop blaming myself for all of it . I can't stop thinking about how I was to blame because we would fight about the smallest things and he would hurt himself . Or that my insecurities and jealousy drove him away . But the thing is that I tried so hard not to be and I don't think I was or at least I wouldn't mention anything if I had a thought come up and just try to let it go . If you guys have read my other threads you might have a clearer picture . I just keep blaming myself and it's too the point where I'm having very dangerous thoughts about myself . I don't deserve anything . I don't know how to live anymore . I loved him so much and he's gone now for a second time . He said he needed to find himself . How am I supposed to live , I don't want to be labeled as a bad person . I can't take it anymore .

[SixxChick]

make up a phrase like, "it's over, the end", "im worth more'' "lucky for me, i got out" or "my life's just beginning".

 

keep saying this mantra for 90 days^.

 

^ Do this.

[spiderowl]

I'm very sorry about how you are feeling. Understandably you feel very hurt and are missing him. But, this guy had a lot of problems and they weren't you. He had these problems before he met you. You are not responsible for him or his actions. I think you will be better off without him once you get through this difficult patch.

 

It sounds as if he was very moody, changeable, and also blaming. You felt you had to tread very carefully with him or things would go wrong. That is a bad sign, a big red flag. If you find yourself walking on eggshells, that is time to get out of a relationship.

 

Please do not blame yourself for any of this. I doubt he will be able to maintain any relationship for any length of time because of his moods. You need someone stable who has the emotional capacity to care for you and your feelings too. It sounds as if it was very one-sided with him. I know you miss him at the moment and can't imagine life without him, but seriously you will get over this and will be glad you got out. There can only be more and more of this kind of hot/cold behaviour and it is very harmful. The guy has already made you feel terrible. Please don't give him another chance to do this.

[spiderowl]

If you are feeling bad, it doesn't mean you are bad. The two are entirely different things.

 

You have blamed yourself because you have been dealing with a very difficult person. You need someone stable, calm and loving. It is possible to meet someone like that.

 

You say you were immature. Most young people are - that's how we learn. You have done nothing wrong. Look at the good things you have done - you have been loving, understanding, you have put up with his moods, you have clearly put up with disrespect (though you shouldn't have put up with that). You have gone beyond the call of duty to love this guy and make things work with him. Don't waste any more of yourself on him.

 

You don't need to chase a guy and please him in any way to get him to love and respect you. That should be natural with the right person. He was just not the right person.

 

You will get over this pain. You are worth far more than you realise at this moment in time, far more. Look after yourself, talk to friends, family, therapist if possible, get it out of your system, but don't for one minute blame yourself or think you are not worthy of a loving relationship.

[slowloris44]

So its been three months since my ex left me for the second time. So far I have been involved in a lot of clubs on campus, a support group as well as therapy and busy in my studies. Its been tough though .. I had my momemnts where I really just wanted to give up and almost kill myself. But for the most part I'm not in that phase of blaming myself for everything anymore becaue 1. its just too damn tiring all the time 2. Ive come to terms that a relationship is a two way street, it really is. I did have a bad lapse just recently on my birthday because I waited ALL DAY for a call or email or something from this one person and I got nothing.. That's when I really realized like damn this person really doesn't care. That was hard for me. I do wonder if he will ever call me or reach out to me again and then he will see that he made a mistake but I hold onto that hope each day that passes. I guess each day I realize that hes really not coming back anymore. Its just like wow , how can someone promise you the world/you are their soulmate/their bestfriend/etc. and then one day they don't want to be with you anymore..?I loved him so much and I thought everything was perfect and that his family really liked me , but I just found out that they never did.. That boggles me , and it hurts like someone drove a knife in my stomach and turned it. I hurt less everyday but its not that I'm becoming happier its just that it hurts less.. but I'm just going through the motions of life.. I don't know if that's normal. Sometimes I even think that I don't want to ever be in a relationship because they don't last and its just too draining and too much. But then I see couples and I miss it all. The idea of calling a person home, their touch and love is your home.

I think a lot about what ifs : what if one day he comes back and I'm married and have kids and I'm faced with this dilemma that these feelings come back and then I hurt my husband or something over this guy? or that what if I go on and any other person I get involved with will be a shallow love and a love not so deep ? It sound terrible but sometimes I really feel like Ill never be able to love someone as deeply as I loved my ex. I don't see any happy stories of people getting over their first love , they all just seem to be in another relationship now that isn't as satisfying as their first love, its fake and doesn't compare. I don't want to be like that , and if its true I don't want to be in another relationship ever again.

And then I see a lot of people say that they are happy that their ex is happy and I'm like why? why be happy for someone who ripped your heart out and stomped on it.? I don't want to be happy for him but I don't want to be mad at him either I just don't want to care. I don't want to wish him the best because its like saying yeah its okay that you broke my heart and never talked to me again. (And it bugs me that hes probably much happier than I am right now , or not wallowing as much) ...I don't get it . I say no to that . I don't wish him anything.

All in all each day that passes it hurts a little less , I am working on myself though I accept my faults for the most part but am not completely blaming myself for the breakup. I have been reading "radical acceptance " and that's helped me a lot , meditating, studying for midterms and spending time with friends and family. Support group really helps a lot because I see that I'm not the only one who has gone through this or has other problems. I find a lot of peace that I have moved cities for school , deleted my Instagram so I stop snooping , blocked him on facebook and his family, blocked him on snapchat, deleted the emails deleted the number and just like he wanted I have disappeared from his life. And he will never have to see me again . I've completely gone dark and that brings me peace .

Anyways I appreciate any thoughts, comments or questions . I wanted to vent a little . and shed some light on how I'm coping

Thanks

[reckoner]

Maybe you did already, if not try reading a bit about the stages of grief which are very similar to the emotional roller-coaster you go through after a breakup.

 

From what I read, you seem to be in the 'Bargaining' stage. The 'what if's' take a lot of your energy, I know... I can relate to a lot what you wrote here. The waiting for that call that never comes.. At least for me it didn't...

 

What helped a lot for me is looking back on the past months. Do you realize you are feeling better than you did the weeks just after the breakup? From what i read it seems so, which means you are making progress. Just set your mind to that and realize you will keep healing. Each day at a time

What was helpful for me as well is venting. Especially in the angry and really sad days. Just wrote a letter like it was addressed to her or to myself in a diary-way. Went completely nuts sometimes, but never sent them. This really gave me some relief at certain points after the B.U.

 

Honestly, to me it seems you are doing all the right things to heal your soul. Getting distracted, blocking on social media. Just keep telling yourself the classic cliche: Time heals.

 

Don't let hope tear you apart if you have the slightest feeling it might be false. This hope will eat all of your energy. Try to accept things that have been said and try not to over-analyse everything in your favor.

 

Closure could help, but only ask for it if you are sure you will get it. Nothing is going to hurt more than asking for closure and ending up ignored.

 

Stay strong!

Edited October 27, 2016 by reckoner

[slowloris44]

Hey reckoner thanks for the reply ! I have read the stages of grief and I kind of stopped reading on it because I was getting mixed ideas on what stage I was on. But I think for the most part I'm moving out of depression slowly. It takes a lot and its very hard but I try to take it literally 5 mins at a time a day . Just telling myself to get through the next hour or next 5 minutes helps a lot. And Ive also developed some habits on diverting my attention from blaming myself all the time cause that was killing me too. It still shows up sometimes but its not as intense. I slowly let go of hope each day too. And as for closure , I'm not going to ask for it because I think Ive had enough of his inconsistencies and how cold/confusing he was last time I talked to him. Plus I don't want to make myself look any more desperate. I practically begged him on my knees to not leave me the second time. I'm working on myself now and I do feel a bit better. Thank you!

[DarrenB]

Hey Slow. It's good to hear you're progressing well on a level with your own R/S & B/U dilemma.

 

The one thing you should continue telling yourself is, 'Do I really need a relationship to be happy? Was he really the route of my happiness? Can I progress my life without a significant other in my life?'. The answers to these questions usually should be no, possibly but that is not viable anymore and yes.

 

Sure, reconciling with a lover after a troubled past with them would be great? but the mindset of which you need is to not concern your mind and current life, with theirs. They are coping in their own way, whatever ways that may be, positive or negative. You are coping exactly the same.

 

We live in a world, where a large percentage of us assume that we would not go through our lives without the person who was so involved in us. We thought that nothing bad would happen and no issues would occur, none of which would decipher a harsh future for the both of us that is. The reality here, is it happens, alot more than we expect it to. We love, we loathe, we care, we don't care, we fight, we make up, ultimately we end things after a historical affair with them. What happens from there, is obvious. We break down, we are lost, we are incapable of handling our emotions alone, we hope to find them again.

 

The beauty of life, is to live it. It is to experience all of what this world has to offer. Whether again, that be positive or negative, it is an experience and a knowledge to apply in future reference. We make mistakes, we lose the things we love, but rather than dwelling in unnecessary questions and dwelling on unanswered questions, we have to move on from the inevitable; the inevitable being, nothing lasts forever.

 

When the time is right, when you have recovered from the hardships that the world has to offer, when you have understood yourself and your worthiness in life, that is when you begin to understand the world, and why you are how you are now or will be in due time: A developed person; something different to what you would have been weeks, months, years before. You'll look onward from your previous memories with certain things, that have now become obsolete. You will no longer grieve of the losses, but be thankful for the experiences and the feelings of which you shared in each precise moment.

 

For you, for anyone. Things won't always be easy. A recovery from a break-up, left on good or bad terms can and will affect you in every way possible. You must find your inner-self, and mentally realize the routes and paths of which you wish to choose from here. Be occupied, be happy, be sad, feel, love, everything you can. Time is a virtue, patience is of the essence. You'll recover in the future, incredibly well. We all will. You will find a new partner, you will find a new love. That is something to look forward to in the future. That is something to work hard for in the future. You either progress and continue to live your life to every extent possible, or you perish in self-doubt and worry. Depression is a hard thing to overcome, I know this from my own experience. I'm still not completely over it, but I'm handling it in a way of which it cannot fully control me. It will not decide my fate, or my life. Neither should you, yourself let it.

[basil67]

Slowloris, you're probably not aware that as relationships go, this sounds like it was pretty crappy. Sure, you had some good times together - especially in the beginning, but all the bad stuff should have been a sign for you to walk away. To know that something much better out there awaited you. When I was reading your original post, I got to the point where he ended it and thought "well, than god for that". And then you got back together and I wanted to shake some sense into you.

 

You are wrong to blame him for breaking your heart. You know that the relationship was unstable, yet you wanted back in. It's like you threw your heart in front of a marathon race and got upset because it got squished. I know this sounds harsh, but I'm a firm believer in taking responsibility for the outcome of our decisions.

 

Anyway, you can't feel it yet, but he's done you a favour. There are far better relationships out there waiting for you. Look to the future. I promise that one day you will look back and say "what was I thinking?!"

Edited October 28, 2016 by basil67

[Downtown]

I cant stop blaming myself. Its driving me insane.

Loris, if you really had been dating a BPDer for 2 years, "insane" is exactly how you should be feeling. Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

Yes I would say according to the 18 signs. I would say 6,7,10 and 14 ring a loud bell . But none other.

Loris, if your exBF exhibits a pattern of strong BPD traits, you should have seen at least 9 of the 18 signs. Instead, you recognize only 4. Yet, in your description of his behaviors, you actually mention some that may indicate 6 other traits are at a strong level. Importantly, I'm not saying all six of them are strong. Rather, I'm simply suggesting you reconsider whether they apply to his situation.

 

5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;

"I tried very hard to not get on his nerves...." "I blamed myself and said sorry for fear that he would hurt himself.... I would go out of my way to make him happy again we were back together for a month then he broke up with me. Another month goes by and then he comes back and then we last for two months and then he leaves me again."

 

8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums or cold sulking.

"he was mistreating me not in a bad way but in a way that he was acting cold and acting like I didn't exist all because we got Into an argument" .... "I broke up with him once because I felt so bad about him disrespecting me in a humiliating way."

 

9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans.

"Every time we would argue he would hurt himself or have suicidal tendencies or cry and then I would shift all the blame to me so that he wouldn't feel bad."

 

11. Lack of impulse control, wherein he does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending)

"...behaviors such as arm cutting, head banging, punching their own heads, and punching solid walls.... he had done all of them every time we fought."

 

13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soulmate;"

"...he said that I was his soulmate." "How can someone promise you the world/you are their soulmate...."

 

15. Relying on you to sooth him and calm him down, when he is stressed, because he has so little ability to do self soothing;

"Every time we would argue he would hurt himself or have suicidal tendencies or cry and then I would shift all the blame to me so that he wouldn't feel bad".... "It made me feel terrible and I did my best to shift the blame all to me . I didn't know what else to do." [i.e., you repeatedly accepted the blame during arguments so as to calm him down and prevent him from hurting himself.]

 

18. Always convinced that his intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that he regards his own feelings as self-evident facts, despite his inability to support them with any hard evidence.

"After the first year he started assuming terrible things. I would ask him a simple question, and he would think that i was assuming something terrible that i wasn't even thinking of."

[slowloris44]

Again its been 3 months . I made the mistake of looking at some photos on my ex's sisters fb and I saw some Halloween photos they took. It broke my heart to see him look so happy in those photos. To think that he is happy without me and I could have been there makes my stomach turn. I feel like I ruined it all with our arguments and unableness to see eye to eye or come to some sort of conclusion with each other. I feel so petty for having those arguments. I should have done more and appreciated more or done something more. But yet he still left me and I'm just shattered. I think about him everyday and I just cant stop . I wait for a possibility that hell contact me but he doesn't and never will. He was my everything. I almost want to reach out and just apologize to him for everything whatever it is but just apologize but I'm writing on here for advice and if I should reach out to him. I reached out after the breakup like a week after but he was very confused. I'm lost and I feel like he was the love of my life and I ruined it by being immature. I get that I am , but I'm working on it and I feel like ive become more carefree and someone I think hed like to be with . I was at a party on Halloween with my friends and I was like wow I would have never gone to a college party on my own before and be so care free and look at me now. And then I thought I'm sure if we were still together he would think I'm cool too and not such a stiff.

Also last weekend I deleted all of our photos on my old laptop but boy that was hard too, so many memories and love down the drain , it ripped my heart apart. We were perfect

PS if you don't know the complete story , I have a bunch of other posts on this thread.

I need advice please help. thank you