realization after the ending

[burnt]

I lived with my parents for almost two decades in a nothing but constantly abusive home. I ran. Into a marriage that lasted a decade a half. I had an affair with a married man, which left me completely torn, destroyed, feeling used and discarded; only then to realize that my marriage itself all those years had been covertly emotionally abusive and dysfunctional and I had no clue the whole time, while slowly I had been sinking and falling apart inside all these years, not knowing what the source of the problem was. I ran again. I left home, left the marriage, left home state, left everything I had and knew.

 

Now living in a different state--absolutely alone. I was ABSOLUTELY certain that I was not going to let anyone come anywhere within a mile near me. I didn't go out dating and looking for men to meet. I was looking for someone to socialize with.

 

But I met someone; he showed interest. I didn't see it coming. I was reluctant. Eventually, I opened up to him with everything in my past--all the ugly hurts and secrets.

 

The short-lived relationship ended yesterday, finally after a tumultuous unstable emotional roller coaster.

 

And now today, I realize, it wasn't him who gets the blame for the ending of the relationship. It's me. I ruined it. From the start, I have been a mess, constantly and helplessly at it with all my past messed up relationships and past angers and past losses, while completely ignoring this wonderful person right in front of me, who was giving me his time and affection all to me.

 

All the while, I didn't realize how badly I was falling for him. I realize that now, once it's over.

 

I wish I could call him up to say I'm sorry. He made it perfectly clear he doesn't want to hear back from me. So, I won't call him. So, I'm putting the message out here: what I wish I could tell him. Just to get it off my chest. There isn't another person in my life right now to talk to. There isn't another person who I can call and what I want to tell him.

 

I'm sorry; I'm sorry that I didn't appreciate you all this time. I'm sorry I didn't realize you were an unexpected gift at the the most unpleasant and unstable time of my life. I'm sorry I didn't realize I was falling for you the whole time. I'm sorry I didn't see you in front me and appreciate all you offered because I was so focused and obsessed over my bitter past. I'm sorry that I lost you. I regret my mistakes. I am a mess--a complete mess. I wish, I wonder, if, only if, I had met you another time of my life, when I wasn't such a complete mess, I wonder...could we have worked it out? A pointless question now, anyway.

 

Thank you for painfully sweet memories that I didn't value at the time; the loss hurts now; the painful realization hurts now. I miss you. It's my price to pay now.

 

Not much to say here.

Let time pass; enough time to pass. This becomes yet another loss. A perpetual game of pain.

It's time to be alone; reflect; and let go. Easier said than done.

[Majormisstep]

Burnt, I'm so sorry that your relationship ended. Looks like we are 'running' down that same road. You are not alone.

 

I ruined a long term M. Ex H was good to me, loved me unconditionally but I had no clue how to reciprocate. Was consumed with bitterness from my past. I see now what I had and what gift he gave me. I apologized repeatedly to xH but it was too late. Way too late. He's now living with his new lady and is very happy. He deserves that.

 

Maybe allow some cool down time between you and your guy. Then send him what you wrote above. It takes courage to openly admit these mistakes but we need learn from them as well. Take care of yourself.

[burnt]

Hi Major,

Thank you for your words. I am sorry for all the pain you are feeling now. I hope you can find a way to heal.

 

Once NC is started, it would only cause more pain to break it to send him any messages. I already caused him enough pain--no need to add more to it. All I can do now is acknowledge the mess I have made.

[Miss Peach]

I've been on the other side of this a few times and had been the recipient of someone's baggage. Some people write a heartfelt apology while acknowledging they don't expect a reply. I've seen some people it hurts and stirs things up and other who appreciate that the other person finally got it. I can't tell you which would be better for your ex. But if you do, I would do something like send an email with no thought that you may get a reply.

[Satu]

snip

Not much to say here.

Let time pass; enough time to pass. This becomes yet another loss. A perpetual game of pain.

*It's time to be alone; reflect; and let go. Easier said than done.

 

*I also had a very difficult background and had some behaviours that sabotaged my relationships.

 

I spent nearly 2 years completely alone, got into journalling, had more than 2 years in therapy.

 

As a result I am stably happy, have wonderful relationships with everyone in my life, and am truly living my dream.

 

I had to change in some very real ways, and I did.

 

Your life doesn't have to be "a perpetual game of pain."

 

You can change.

 

Make a commitment to that change.

 

 

Take care.

[Majormisstep]

snip

 

 

*I also had a very difficult background and had some behaviours that sabotaged my relationships.

 

I spent nearly 2 years completely alone, got into journalling, had more than 2 years in therapy.

 

As a result I am stably happy, have wonderful relationships with everyone in my life, and am truly living my dream.

 

I had to change in some very real ways, and I did.

 

Your life doesn't have to be "a perpetual game of pain."

 

You can change.

 

Make a commitment to that change.

 

 

Take care.

 

 

Satu - I wish I could 'like' this 1000 times.

 

Yes burnt, we can change. I'm choosing to do that, one day at a time. It's a slow process but I'm starting to give myself kudos for small achievements (ie. hooking up a gas barbecue - SO out of my comfort zone LOL). That's where we start...liking ourselves. External validation not necessary!