Watcher_On_The_Wall Posted September 24, 2016 Share Posted September 24, 2016 I ve done everything by the NC book. Cut all ties,deleted all her contact information including phone number (but her number is embeded in my mind),deleted all the pics,all memorabilia,everything that had and has any connection with her,went to gym,started flirting with other girls (no sucess though..yet) but at the end of the day she still haunts me,she s still there when I close my eyes. Today is the 60th day of NC initiated by me and I am on the edge of breaking it but I know that I have to hold on but what drives me crazy is her attitude,her disinterest. I was expecting that she will at least,after 9 yrs,ask me where am I but nothing. Radio silence on both sides. Our relationship was toxic from the beginning. Lots of argument,lots of harsh words,calling each other names etc etc. but somehow we manage to overcome all that but after first 3 yrs everything went down the drain. Our last sex was 3 or 4 yrs ago although we saw each other after that couple of times and behaved like everthing was good and ok. Last time we saw each other was last year in November and it ended in disaster. Some nasty things were said on both sides Nothing since than but convos trough whatsapp... I asked her couple of times after that to meet up,to official end things and she said no She said that she still wanted to see me but she continued to avoiding me. Next month is 10 yrs of our "relationship" and November marks the 1 yr without seeing each other and thats what bothers me. I know (although my inner voice and my gut are saying otherwise) that the things are definatly over but lack of closure is driving me mad. I dont want to break NC b/c reconciliation,but I need closure. I need my piece of mind and to laid to rest this toxic relationship once and for all..its driving me mad... What to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted September 24, 2016 Share Posted September 24, 2016 Closure can only come from the inside, from acceptance. Don't break NC. All you will get is another dose of the toxin. Take care. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
SixxChick Posted September 24, 2016 Share Posted September 24, 2016 All you will get is another dose of the toxin. I am a living testament of this truth. It was more awful than you could ever imagine. I wish I had never done it. I can never take it back. My advice to you is, heed this wisdom or else you will beat yourself up more than you already are now. Strength and honor. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Bialy Posted September 24, 2016 Share Posted September 24, 2016 I am another living testament that you should not break NC. I had a major emotional setback that I'm still working through because I thought contact would give me closure. NOPE. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted September 25, 2016 Share Posted September 25, 2016 It is not in her hands to end things; it is in your hands. In my experience, one rarely feels that a break-up is a resolution. It can leave you feeling hurt, disappointed, sad, deprived - you name it, not good things! You need to resolve it and end it in your own mind. As long as you have given her the power to do this, you are hanging on and waiting for her. Exactly why have you given her this power? Is it purely because you want her back? She's been gone a while and shown no inclination to spend time with you - why exactly does she deserve to have you back? She's not the person you think she is. You will only hurt yourself if you break no contact. We can't tell you not to do it if you are going to, but be prepared for pain. You know it's over but are clinging onto that last shred of something. Is she the only woman you will ever love in your life? Can you really not believe it is possible you could meet someone better? It is possible, it really is. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
wow123 Posted September 25, 2016 Share Posted September 25, 2016 I'll be broken up 1 year in November just like you. I broke contact a few weeks ago. She told me she has a new boyfriend. Can u handle that? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
juniorrocha Posted September 25, 2016 Share Posted September 25, 2016 Just keep doing what you're doing, you seem to be on the right track. It gets easier with time. As said, closure comes from the inside. Accept it's over and continue moving on. One thing that helped me a lot was to set a few goals. Some of them are short ones, some long-term, but all of them are about me. Find yourself working towards achieving what's important in your life & for you, doesn't matter what it is. It makes you value yourself more. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Watcher_On_The_Wall Posted September 25, 2016 Author Share Posted September 25, 2016 It can leave you feeling hurt, disappointed, sad, deprived - you name it, not good things! You need to resolve it and end it in your own mind. As long as you have given her the power to do this, you are hanging on and waiting for her. Exactly why have you given her this power? Is it purely because you want her back? She's been gone a while and shown no inclination to spend time with you - why exactly does she deserve to have you back? She's not the person you think she is. You will only hurt yourself if you break no contact. We can't tell you not to do it if you are going to, but be prepared for pain. You know it's over but are clinging onto that last shred of something. Is she the only woman you will ever love in your life? Can you really not believe it is possible you could meet someone better? It is possible, it really is. I ve already gone trough all these stages and no I don't want her back...I am done with her. But lack of closure is eating me inside. I want one final sit down with her,to spill my guts to her and to tell her all the things that I held inside me trough all these 9 yrs. Thats why I want to break NC. Not b/c I am expecting for us to be reconciled,b/c we won't She told me she has a new boyfriend. Can u handle that? Yes b/c in my mind I don't have any feelings left for her. Maybe just a traces in my heart but those are the feelings from the beginning of relationship, from honeymoon phase... She cant hurt me,no matter what she do or says. I feel only contempt for her and anger and even that doesn't have much to do with her but rather with me and my inability to move forward without closure Accept it's over and continue moving on. I accepted it but I hate unfinished business. And this relationship to me is unfinished business and it will be until I get my closure and my piece of mind,,, Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted September 25, 2016 Share Posted September 25, 2016 Maybe it's best to rant on here rather than tell her. Are you angry with her? Is that why you want to give her a piece of your mind? It's understandable. She's probably moved on. Complain here, maybe that will help. It can't be good to carry all that around with you all this time. Link to post Share on other sites
dyna85 Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 The way I see it, you kind of have to weigh your options: dignity vs. quest for closure - I think honestly you're better off preserving your dignity because as many of us can attest, breaking contact typically results in going back to square one - and then in another 60 days you'll end up feeling similar urges. Then again, I can think of a few situations where I have broken contact and experienced closure, so I do at times wonder, should I have broken NC at 60 days? There is a reason why you're asking though... and resisting at the moment. Why are you resisting? There is a reason why you have held out for so long. Think about that. I remember that was my mantra 'why have you held out for so long?' there IS a reason. If you didn't get closure during your last communication with her, what on God's green earth has changed to make you think that things will be different now? People typically don't change. We may idealize them, and hope for a better outcome, we may wish that they'll 'come around' and see things our way. The truth is, though. She's still stubbornly standing in her corner, as you are standing in yours. You can't force understanding or an apology. You can't force empathy to your viewpoint. I would leave it be. I think you're on edge because your body is trying to protect you from going where you shouldn't go. You need to heal. Stay the course. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Watcher_On_The_Wall Posted October 6, 2016 Author Share Posted October 6, 2016 There is a reason why you're asking though... and resisting at the moment. Why are you resisting? There is a reason why you have held out for so long. I've been thinking about this and I can't put my finger on any reason why I'm resisting to break NC. I am resisting,that's true, but I don't know why. Something is holding me back... But,I say again,I don't know what. I've been racking my mind with that,trying to figure it out but nothing came up. Some inner voice,intuition maybe...or something else Reason? Don't know that either. After all this I'm confused...and maybe somewhat amazed by myself. I thought that I won't be able to this NC but here I am...70 days and counting and I don't feel any remorse for this 70 days nor any remorse for going radio silent with my ex. If you didn't get closure during your last communication with her, what on God's green earth has changed to make you think that things will be different now? During our last conversation I didn't look for closure. I was looking for a way to,maybe,make things right. When that and everything else fell trough I started looking for closure b/c I knew than and there that it was over and I needed closure You need to heal. Stay the course. I am healed. Maybe not completely,b/c she still haunts my mind and my thoughts from time to time, but I feel that,at least,partially I am healed. I'm not even mad and angry at her. Not anymore... I just don't even care what happens to her. She became face in the crowd,the one that you see and forget about it and after some time you catch the glimpse of that face and trying to remember where did you see that face before and right now I'm not even sure that I'm gonna recognize her on the street That's how I feel about her. Don't even have any feelings,she became,and will stay just another stranger. Almost like in Linkin Park song...In the end But there is one thing though. Next week is "our 10th anniversary" I'm sure that she won't be contacting me, b/c if she wanted she would already done that,but if she does I'm not sure how to respond.... Link to post Share on other sites
Mi7522 Posted October 7, 2016 Share Posted October 7, 2016 (edited) I want something new right now just to clean the slate of all the toxic crap I've been through. It's tough to get your mind around it but trust me when you accept its over than you will start living a fulfilled life Edited October 7, 2016 by Mi7522 Link to post Share on other sites
Offspring Posted October 7, 2016 Share Posted October 7, 2016 I think the only way to get closure is forgiveness and to accept that neither of you are perfect, and the situation will never be resolved in a neat package. Acceptance and letting go are very closely related, and i think that forgiveness is the precursor to acceptance. You probably both tried your hardest, but for some reason your relationship skills were under-developed, or you butted heads because the timing was off. You may both have been coming from faulty (unresolved) mind maps as well . Be kind to yourself, and perhaps get some counselling if it becomes all too much. Link to post Share on other sites
Thatoneguy55 Posted October 7, 2016 Share Posted October 7, 2016 (edited) You have no feelings for her but you are busy posting about her on forum while she is Netflixin' with Mr. Newguy. Edited October 7, 2016 by Thatoneguy55 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Watcher_On_The_Wall Posted October 7, 2016 Author Share Posted October 7, 2016 You have no feelings for her but you are busy posting about her on forum while she is Netflixin' with Mr. Newguy. I don't care if she's netflixin with newguy...although I think she even don't have Netflix maybe he has it but like I said, don't care Link to post Share on other sites
Kelley Posted October 7, 2016 Share Posted October 7, 2016 Ironically, we also use seeking closure to avoid closure. We cannot always get all of the answers especially when those answers are being sought from people who don’t want to give them, who talk out of their bums and are avoiding as much honesty in their own lives as possible, or who aren’t around anymore. I don't think you will get the answers you seek. I think 10 months NC would say to me the relationship is over, and where you are now, over everything I would be out in the world, too busy meeting different people, living my life to even think about contacting the person that broke me. The best revenge is moving on and living your life well. You don't need to go backwards it's over, look to the future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Watcher_On_The_Wall Posted October 15, 2016 Author Share Posted October 15, 2016 Well today is the day...10yrs ago on this day we started our toxic relationship.... I didn't broke the NC but I was so close....sooooo close but I held on... And I felt and still feel indifferent...not sad nor happy,just indifferent... Although it did bothered me for a short of period of time that she havent sent not even courtesy message...after 9 f******* yrs but like I said it was just a moment of weakness b/c my defensive mechanism kicked in and the thought was gone just like her. But hey, at least once again she showed me her true self and once again she contributed to my healing... And I am on the 80th day of NC and counting 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Kelley Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 Good for you, keep looking to the future the past is done. Well today is the day...10yrs ago on this day we started our toxic relationship.... I didn't broke the NC but I was so close....sooooo close but I held on... And I felt and still feel indifferent...not sad nor happy,just indifferent... Although it did bothered me for a short of period of time that she havent sent not even courtesy message...after 9 f******* yrs but like I said it was just a moment of weakness b/c my defensive mechanism kicked in and the thought was gone just like her. But hey, at least once again she showed me her true self and once again she contributed to my healing... And I am on the 80th day of NC and counting Link to post Share on other sites
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