S08085 Posted September 23, 2016 Share Posted September 23, 2016 I will soon be 52. The only things that keep life interesting are my foolish notions. I'm growing sick of those. I'm a man who will soon be divorced and I never dreamed of being that - 16 years ago, when I married. Less than two years ago, I discovered that I married someone with an addictive personality. Oxy pain killers, prescription medications, crack cocaine were all too tough for me. I have insurance that will pay for the best rehabs that money can buy. My wife wants none of it. She wants her drugs and lifestyle - and I have been re-adjusting and trying to make sense of it all. As the lawyers work it out - I am the one who is struggling emotionally. With a wife who stays holed-up in a room doing drugs and doing zero to help with the cooking, laundry, household and pets - I am struggling to do it all AND work a full time job that I have had for 27 years. Unfortunately, in New Jersey, the law is against me. Because I have been married for 17 years - and my wife hasn't worked at all - I am responsible to support her for a very long time - even after divorce. Half my pension will go to support her future drug use and I will have to contribute to her health benefits - which she currently uses to fool her primary and specialists - to supply her with prescription drugs. On top of that - she frequents Camden New Jersey - one of the most dangerous cities in America - in order to score crack and who knows what else - on a daily basis. My attorney advised me to stay out of any confrontations or discussions about her drug use. I never saw any of this coming. So after 17 years of marriage - with me trying to do the best for her and our relationship - I am faced with losing my home, money and everything that I have worked for. The sucker-punch is this: She wants the drugs and she wants what she can get out of this lost relationship - and as for me, as a person: She doesn't give a ****. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 23, 2016 Share Posted September 23, 2016 I'm so sorry brother. And although it sounds harsh, at the rate she's going you may not have to support her for long. Is it even a remote possibility that you could move to a more friendly jurisdiction (cough Texas ahem), with or without her, and establish sufficient residency to file? And if not, would getting rid of this mess be worth the high price of admission? I'll tell you one thing, I'm 54 and my life is nowhere near over. Neither is yours. Again, I'm very sorry. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SixxChick Posted September 24, 2016 Share Posted September 24, 2016 (edited) I am 56, and have never been married. Because I would have been divorced too many times to have counted. Smart? I don't know. I feel for you though. I could probably look at your broken relationship like I could look at it through a mirror. The only thing I didn't do was take that fated walk down the aisle. Thank God? I don't know. Maybe. Keep posting. There are a lot of good folks, old and young, on this forum. I am sorry for your excruciating heartache, and the demise of everything you have worked for. I wish I could tell you that there are no foolish notions. Heavy sigh. Strength and honor. Edited September 24, 2016 by SixxChick 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author S08085 Posted September 24, 2016 Author Share Posted September 24, 2016 I really appreciate what you wrote. Thank You. My pity parties don't last long - but divorce in Jersey is legally obscene and when the legal system supports the addict and clamps down on a guy who only wanted to do good things - I can't help but wake up each day with thoughts such as: "Why bother even going to work." Where in Texas? I'm in southwest NJ Link to post Share on other sites
Author S08085 Posted September 24, 2016 Author Share Posted September 24, 2016 Thank You for your thoughts. I am not a "poor me" person - but I did get blind-sighted marrying an addictive personality. Truth told - I have no anger or bitterness. I just want her out from my space and I want to no longer be legally responsible for her reckless behavior. The other big issue is that I love old Victorian homes and live in one that looks like a stone castle. I am being told, by my attorney, that I might have to give it up. That's the killer for me. I love this old stone castle. Thanks again for writing Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted September 24, 2016 Share Posted September 24, 2016 Thank You for your thoughts. I am not a "poor me" person - but I did get blind-sighted marrying an addictive personality. Truth told - I have no anger or bitterness. I just want her out from my space and I want to no longer be legally responsible for her reckless behavior. Perhaps a strange question, I get that you already are trying to detach from her. Have you tried talking with her via the way of therapy? Not to convince her but to let her see the pain she causes. If it was a bit of a loveless marriage than perhaps it is for the better, but if it wasn't ... Anyway I feel for you. It is harsh when your reality crumbles down. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted September 24, 2016 Share Posted September 24, 2016 Bud, read some of my posts. I lived through the same stuff. My only saving grace is that my wife got sober and we are trying to work it out. The money that you will lose is nothing compared to the peace of mind that you will eventually get from the divorce. After you get over that pain, life will be worth living. I can promise you that with out a doubt. Hang in there... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author S08085 Posted September 25, 2016 Author Share Posted September 25, 2016 Thank You for those thoughts. No - therapy is out of the question. I was able to read her texts and read how she mocked her rehab and therapists - mocked me - wished I would die of a disease and wrote how she exaggerated her injuries and pain in order to get doctors and specialists to supply her with prescription drugs. When she got out of rehab and got into NA meetings - she manipulated people there - tried to get recovering addicts to relapse with her. Poor, struggling people who were really trying to stay clean. She continues to go to psychologists and psychiatrists and they try to re-adjust her prescription drugs to better help her - however she doesn't tell them that she smokes crack and there is no way to adjust the prescription drugs to help her! Truth told - she is not a nice person and she doesn't care if she hurts anyone else. So no - therapy is not an option with this person. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted September 25, 2016 Share Posted September 25, 2016 Thank You for those thoughts. No - therapy is out of the question. I was able to read her texts and read how she mocked her rehab and therapists - mocked me - wished I would die of a disease and wrote how she exaggerated her injuries and pain in order to get doctors and specialists to supply her with prescription drugs. When she got out of rehab and got into NA meetings - she manipulated people there - tried to get recovering addicts to relapse with her. Poor, struggling people who were really trying to stay clean. She continues to go to psychologists and psychiatrists and they try to re-adjust her prescription drugs to better help her - however she doesn't tell them that she smokes crack and there is no way to adjust the prescription drugs to help her! Truth told - she is not a nice person and she doesn't care if she hurts anyone else. So no - therapy is not an option with this person. I am sorry to read this, that all sounds really hurtful. Just know - as other have said -that your life isn't over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author S08085 Posted September 25, 2016 Author Share Posted September 25, 2016 I think you hit on it - with the peace of mind after the divorce, regardless of the money. I will read your previous posts, as suggested. If you read the reply I gave to "itspointless" you will see that I am dealing with a very bad person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author S08085 Posted September 25, 2016 Author Share Posted September 25, 2016 Again - very appreciative for your caring comments. You are correct - life is not over. I would like to clarify my initial statement and say that life, as I knew it, is over. That is a good thing. However, in New Jersey - the guy gets hammered. I lived a good, honest life and divorcing a wife, of 17 years - who has never worked full-time, will force me to find a second full time job to be able to afford the alimony. If the courts find out she is drug addicted - that will make it worse for me - as if I am abandoning a cripple. I can not prove that she is manipulating everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted September 25, 2016 Share Posted September 25, 2016 Is there no way to drag out the divorce and hide/transfer assets? Not trying to screw your ex outta cash(Yes I am!) but, there should be some options here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author S08085 Posted September 25, 2016 Author Share Posted September 25, 2016 No. But the assets are not this issue for me. It's this old house that I love. I want to stay here and want her to leave. Luckily, I bought the house 3 years ago and there is no equity - so I am hoping she simply leaves. She mentioned that she would move out but she is also on copious amounts of mood-modifying prescription drugs and smokes crack regularly - so it's hard to take her for her word. I am in the process of waiting for my attorney to hash out the alimony and other issues. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted September 25, 2016 Share Posted September 25, 2016 Damn that sucks and is also the reason I always refused to get married again.. Stupid laws! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted September 25, 2016 Share Posted September 25, 2016 Good luck buddy. I spent 26 years being a good guy and I go screwed over for it. I did not even realize that she was addicted until about 2 1/2 ago. I was ready to divorce, finally, and she decided to get sober and has stayed that way. I am happy for that and if it all works out, I will be even happier. But the resentment of her is another thing, I am just starting to get over that. And I don't know if I ever will. I will say it is a lot better than it used to be so, who knows. You are going to be so much better off, you just wait. Link to post Share on other sites
Author S08085 Posted September 26, 2016 Author Share Posted September 26, 2016 Ughh. I read your last post and cringed. My wife "played" sober and went to all of her meetings for almost a year. "Somehow" I was able to read all the texts on her phone. SHE WAS FAKING SOBER. Then, she tried to "explain" to be what an addict was and that she will relapse from time to time. In short: she was giving herself the right to be an addict and relapse- while trying to work me into an understanding that this is her disease and I need to learn to live with it. I am not saying that your wife's sobriety is an act - but I am telling you that my wife's brief stint into sobriety was a complete fake and I know it, because I read her texts for a year when she got out of 30 day rehab. I really hope your wife's sobriety is real or an honest effort. I really do Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 Again - very appreciative for your caring comments. You are correct - life is not over. I would like to clarify my initial statement and say that life, as I knew it, is over. That is a good thing. However, in New Jersey - the guy gets hammered. I lived a good, honest life and divorcing a wife, of 17 years - who has never worked full-time, will force me to find a second full time job to be able to afford the alimony. If the courts find out she is drug addicted - that will make it worse for me - as if I am abandoning a cripple. I can not prove that she is manipulating everyone. I know of a good lawyer in Cherry Hill who told me to start recording conversations. You should look into getting a voice recorder for yourself. Don't let her know you're using it and it's perfectly legal in NJ. Evidence is always a good thing. It gives you power when you feel helpless. An attorney helps you feel more powerful too. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 26, 2016 Share Posted September 26, 2016 Where in Texas? I'm in southwest NJ The site of a large-ish university that walloped Arkansas this weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
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