Ex contacted after breakup; I was cold. Regrets. Help!

[Thebob]

I really need advice and didn't know where else to turn to without havin my friends yell at me for askin for too much advice. Sorry for the long post.

 

My ex and I broke up on June 25th over face time, we already were having issues and she had moved out a month prior, but we were still working on it. During this time I could tell she was pushing herself away and finally when we were talking she was saying hurtful things such as her friends hate me, family doesn't like me, and her boss doesn't like me so I said well then let's just end this so please **** off(emotions ran rampant), lose my number, don't talk to me please. Please keep in mind that we lived together for 2 years when we both moved from Florida to NY. So I hung up and applied NC for a week until she message me about grabbing her clothes cause she had left a ton of her clothes because the place she moved too was too small for her to fit everything. she was like I'll grab it at the end of August. I kept it short and too the point and said I don't care. Then a week later comes her birthday and I sent a happy birthday text and she responded but I didn't say anything back. Then she that night while drunk texts me asking what I said to her best friends because they didn't come to her birthday on a Monday at midnight. I wanted to say that normal people have jobs and can't party on that day but I held my tongue and didn't say anything.

 

Then comes the day when she finally grabs all her **** she messages me and is like I'm coming over today to grab it and all I said was what time? She would tell me and I didn't respond. I come home that night and she had left a hand written letter on my computer pretty much saying she hopes I am doing well, that she hopes I found someone else and am currently happy and that she will always love me no matter what and hopes to be able to talk one day. I of course give her no response. Anyways she left all her stuff on her couch when she supposed to move out but she didn't have access to the Car and she apologized for this and all I said ok and she said she'll grab it tomorrow.

 

Anyway as when I look at things she packed I was like that bag was mine and I took back the vacuum cleaner. When she sees this she took them back and wrote me a long message like 10 pages worth stating how mad and disappointed she is about why I went through her stuff, in which I didn't go through all her stuff I just took 2 things cause she took my ps2 back and other stuff that was both of ours but I didn't say anything. I was sticking to my guns with NO contact.

 

At the end of this long message she sent she told me that I better give back her security deposit and not make this complicated. So I waited a day or two and finally gave the 600 back to her then she sent me a text saying she wished that we could talk about our breakup with no pain or sadness and that everything happens for a reason and that she has no animosity or hostility towards me and wishes me the best, and sayin she still values our time together and saying that I was her everything for such a long time and best friend. And she said in the beginning that she knows that I won't respond.

 

So of course I still haven't initiated contact in 1.5 months but she did a few times but I acted cold the whole time. Now I'm feeling regret and after she wrote the love letter and these long messages showing her true side I feel like i should try and talk to her again. I just don't know if it's the right course of action or not. Sorry for the long message but I wanted you to know the details. I wish I knew what the best course of action is but I don't. I felt like no contact would help me get over but I constantly have these set backs. No one cheated on each other so I can't hate her for anything except for her cancelling our trip before she moved out.

 

Best,

 

Thebob

Edited September 11, 2016 by Thebob

[CarrieT]

I'm sorry, but I don't see a question anywhere in your post.

 

What do you need advise on?

 

If you have broken up, than you should be 100% No Contact so she is no longer in your life and there is nothing to discuss.

[Thebob]

I am regretting not speaking to her when she told me in her messages twice that she would like to have closure and to be civil about all of this. I love her to pieces but I felt by the way she was acting by moving out and being verbally mean that NC was the only way to go. And since she has reached out a couple times and I haven't said anything maybe those were her attempts to talk and potentially fix things? I don't know if I'm doing the right thing because I don't even know if we are compatible in the longer picture.

 

Also the questions were in the last paragraph they just don't have question marks. I'm sorry. And also how long can NC last for cause usually NC is used to get the ex back or its used to better yourself? I just don't know if by what I'm doing is burning bridges.

Edited September 11, 2016 by Thebob

[Satu]

snip

And also how long can NC last for cause usually NC is used to get the ex back or its used to better yourself? I just don't know if by what I'm doing is burning bridges.

 

NC can be very helpful if you want to heal and move on.

 

If you use it to get somebody back, its usefulness is doubtful.

 

You don't have to do NC.

 

It's just an option that some people choose.

 

If you've been very badly treated by someone, I think it's a solidly good option.

 

 

Take care.

[juniorrocha]

What Satu said.

 

NC may work to get back with someone if during the time apart you both realize the problems were fixable, but that appears to be rare.

 

The true intention of NC is to move on. Using NC to try to get an ex back is just like playing a game, where you're pretty much throwing hints everywhere hoping they're seeing them and that they will find the light in you again. Satu used the word doubtful, but I'd go ahead and say it's dumb. Too much work to try to get back someone who doesn't even want you in the first place. lol

 

You said yourself you aren't sure if you want her back, because you don't know if you're compatible for the long run. So just relax, occupy your mind with things for yourself, work out, find happiness within, and it's ever meant to be, it will be.

 

Following NC will only bring you good things at the end, anyway. Imo, it's worth it.

[Thebob]

But if she wrote a love letter/ texted a few times could that have been her hints? 3 years then not talking again is so rough especially when I quit my job in Florida to be here in NYC with her. And playing NC when I've never ignored her and she has never ignored me is just painful. I feel like a bad person when I probably shouldn't.

 

I do have this theory though on why she messaged me and wrote those letters so please tell me what you think. When she was packing all her stuff up I know she saw a condom in my trash can from some tinder girl. so I think she was starting to get communicative cause of that. The trash can was right next to her closet where she left everything. Then moved out u couldn't have missed it.

 

Thebob

[Thebob]

Idk does anyone else think I should have said something to her or keep it the way it is? She is the one that moved out after 2 years of living together and stuff. I'm still confused after 2 months of being broken up.

[NopeNah]

Idk does anyone else think I should have said something to her or keep it the way it is? She is the one that moved out after 2 years of living together and stuff. I'm still confused after 2 months of being broken up.

 

I'd steer clear! Her "friends, family and some other people that DO NOT matter to you,don't like ya!" Vanish!

[NopeNah]

I'd steer clear! Her "friends, family and some other people that DO NOT matter to you,don't like ya!" Vanish!

 

I'm being DEAD serious too!! Seriously.....serious.

[Thebob]

I'm pretty sure she was just saying that to piss me off to end it. I've thought about it over and over and her boss/ friends have no reason to hate me. I let them stay at my house for months on end and I took care of their son for 1 month in NYC. It's so dumb this breakup. Wish it was something nasty like cheating or something but it isn't. It's just a good ol fashion dump and now doing NC. I don't know what she could possibly want To talk about.

[Trinity_84]

There doesn't necessarily have to be some sort of dramatic end to a relationship like infidelity. Sometimes two people just stop getting along and realize they're better off without each other.

 

Like you said, maybe she saw the condom and felt a little needy and wrote you the letter. Maybe she didn't and she just felt liek writing a letter. Who knows, at this point, does it even matter?

 

You have been broken up with her for a couple of months, it's understandable that you're still over-analyzing and confused about her actions. But you need to take a good look at why the relationship ended in the first place. Yes, maybe it was a dumb way to end it, but it ended, and that's the bottom line.

 

She did say hurtful things to you unnecessarily to push your buttons and probably hurt you. I would focus on that, she was mean, you guys broke up, end of story. In fact, I focus on the mean things my ex said to me when we broke up every time I start getting fuzzy feelings for him (which happens usually a week before my period, LOL).

 

You don't have to keep NC, maybe you can do Low Contact which is just to message her about practical matters, like unresolved rent issues or what have you. Just keep it about that and leave your former relationship out of it. She might try to bring it up again because she's feeling lonely or misses you or her current hook up ghosted her or her period is coming up (hey, that's honestly a valid reason!), but like I said, who knows and who cares why our exes do what they do? It's up to us to move forward in life. You'll bounce back, just give it time.

[Thebob]

Yea all the rent stuff is taken care of so whatever contact I do would be considered I'm reaching out which I don't want to lose the power that I'm currently in. She broke up with me and I confirmed it by officializing it. so she should deal with it. Probably best advice I've gotten but what do u mean by other sorts of low contact? Won't that bring me back to square 1? I don't want to contact if she is seeing someone. It's just super hard that she was my best friend for 3 years then nothing. I hope she feels the same way and I wish I could understand why she asks me on why she wants closure. Maybe she didn't want me to end it like that, but my manhood was at stake.

[Trinity_84]

When I say Low Contact I mean just contact for practical purposes, as in maybe she still has some of your things that you want back or vice versa.

 

If all that stuff has already been resolved, then you could just not contact her at all from now on. And if she contacts you, it's up to you to decide to respond or not (I would advise against responding until you are fully over her and the relationship. Nothing good ever comes out of contacting an ex you still have feelings for).

[Thebob]

Yea she texted me again last night after 2 weeks of no contact and she was like "I know I'm not supposed to be reaching out, but hope you are ok and not in the city tonight." Of course I haven't responded but I just feel bad. No one has ever ignored one another in our 3 years. I hope I'm doing the right thing. This is the 5th time and I haven't said anything back in 2 months. What is the purpose of her messaging me? To mess with me? Or is she finally missing me or something. I don't get it.

Edited September 18, 2016 by Thebob

[Trinity_84]

Yea she texted me again last night after 2 weeks of no contact and she was like "I know I'm not supposed to be reaching out, but hope you are ok and not in the city tonight." Of course I haven't responded but I just feel bad. No one has ever ignored one another in our 3 years. I hope I'm doing the right thing. This is the 5th time and I haven't said anything back in 2 months. What is the purpose of her messaging me? To mess with me? Or is she finally missing me or something. I don't get it.

 

I think if she wanted to get back together, the message would be clear.

She's fishing for attention, she wants to have her cake and eat it too.

[Thebob]

I know her very well and she isn't the type to blatantly blurt out I need you. She is a high valued girl, that many men wish they could be with. I am not just saying this to brag, so this is something she just isn't used to doing. When she tried the long drawn out messages I didn't say anything, so I think she stuck to the short messages. BUt this message she sent was pertaining towards the bombing in Chelsea that injured 20+ people. She knows for fact that I never go there so I know she is just trying to talk to me. So you think she just wants to be friends or chit chat here and there? I made it clear that I don't stay friends with exes and never will cause it never works unless you are the needle in the haystack. I prolly sound like a big baby on this forum, but its still kind of fresh and i feel like what Im doing by ignoring her is against my psychology of everything lol.

[dumbass2]

Yep, it's just because it's still so fresh. Keep doing what you're doing. You are 100% right in that you cannot be friends with an ex. It doesn't sound like she is having regrets, only going through what you are going through which is that you are both going to miss each other. Doesn't mean she wants back or that you should get back. Truly, once that break happens, it is so rare that the two ever come back. It's just never the same as it was in the good times.

 

Trust me when I say that if someone really wants to be with you, they will find away. I don't care how high on a pedestal you have them. These are going to be some of the toughest days for you, but in the end, YOU have to do what you want so you have no regret and if you have no past history to base this on, then you may end up learning the hard way and that's just how it has to happen sometimes. You live and learn as many of us on here have. Again, you make the decisions on what to do, but I think you are going about it the right way right now.

[bubbaganoosh]

I made it clear that I don't stay friends with exes and never will cause it never works unless you are the needle in the haystack.

 

Then what you need to do is reply to her last message and let her know that you don't want any more contact with her. You can do it in a polite way and make your case that you don't stay friends with any of your exes.

 

You said she knows about this so gently remind her of it and be done with it.Either that or this will continue, your choice.

[Thebob]

The thing is that I would feel like doing this if we broke up over like cheating/ lies and such, but there wasn't any of that. This is our first breakup in 3 years which i think is pretty good? So saying that there isn't a future after 1 breakup i think isn't really fair.

 

Either way, an update from last weekend. I posted a snapchat of a girl i was on a date with and there wasn't any kissin in it or touching just a video of her. Remember i removed my ex from my friends list on snapchat, but i dont know if she did to me (odds are she didn't). Anyways, I log on my Match.com profile the next day and 30-45 minutes after i posted the snapchat someone had logged on my match.com profile and posted photos that I never took of myself or had on my facebook that only my ex girlfriend has. If it was her she changed my profile to the modeling shoot i did for her a couple years back that she took photos of me for fun as well. Then whoever did this posted a photo that was photo shopped which covered one of my teeth with black to make it look like i was missing a tooth and changed all my expectations for what I am looking for and wrote all all my defects that only she complained about in what I am looking for. I didn't think she knew my password, but she knows my emails to log into any of the social services that I use.

 

I wanted to text her and be like why did you do this? But of course I don't have solid evidence that it was her so she would just deny the fact that she did it (if it was her). Does this sound like something she did? or is it someone who I know messing with me? She/he also messaged 30 people that were atrociously ugly and gave them my phone number saying that I wanted to hook up with them and she/ he did it again yesterday to my account but only messaged a lot of people AFTER i had changed the password again. The only person that has my number or passwords is her. I really don't know what to do about this.

[Cephalopod]

Keep ignoring her.

 

She's a control freak psycho-drain.

 

I don't know what to tell you about all the crap she's doing to you on the social media. But do what you can to keep her away from you.

[dumbass2]

Do you really think any of your friends would have done that? Chances are pretty high that if your gut tells you it was her (photos only she would have had), it was probably her. hopefully you've changed up your password to one that no one could possibly guess. And no, you don't want to call her out on it. Just don't contact her. The fact that you think she might have done it should tell you right there that she is someone that you don't want anything to do with. That is totally totally psycho.

Edited September 29, 2016 by dumbass2

[Thebob]

The only way it could happen is if someone from my work knew my login to my computer and automatically went to match.com and did that at 1am on a Friday. It just wouldn't happen. This also could be a sign that she doesn't want me seeing anyone else or is scared that I'm moving on and this is the only way for her to get a reaction out of me because I've ignored her in every other aspect for 2.5 months. I just have no idea how she found out and got my password, the only other person that could do this is my sister since she helped with the profile cause I been out of the game for so long, but she would never do that. I understand the psycho thought but maybe like I said it's cause she is worried since I ended it officially but she initiated and didn't expect me to be so cold. Oh well, woman be cray cray.