Trying To Bury Feelings

[TobiasPelagiad]

I’ve already posted about it this on here, but in short, after about 8 or 9 months of working with this girl in work who I got on with, I developed feelings for her. I asked her out, got a yes, but afterwards she seemed hesitant to actually organise a specific date and time – she was always busy. Time went by, I kind of flip-flopped over the whole thing, and then I tried messaging her one more time and that’s when I got the “I’m seeing someone, let’s be friends” answer. So fair enough, got to accept that answer. I’m not sure if she was seeing this person when I initially asked her out, or if this happened after, but it’s all academic anyway as either way it’s a no. What’s worse is she said she’d still be up for going on a date as friends. That was a kick in the balls, to be honest. But ah well, maybe she was trying to let me down gently.

 

Unfortunately, though, I can’t turn the feelings off. I do still like her, enough that’s it’s getting me down quite a bit. I still work with her, so as is the problem with work-based situations like this, I can’t get away from her and do the whole No Contact thing. We still hang out at lunch because it would be weird for me to just go away and sit on my own, away from the rest of the team. And I still joke around with her because that’s what I do – I don’t want to become all cold and distant towards her because that seems unfair. So I’m trying to just play it off as if nothing happened, and we’re still just good mates. But inside I feel a wreck. I’m trying to move on but I’ve got this constant reminder every single day. I know this is why it’s not recommended to go with coworkers, but I didn’t choose for my feelings to arise. I spent about 8 to 9 months just liking her as a friend. I did find her cute and attractive during that time, but nothing out of the ordinary. It was only after a work’s night out my perception of her changed. I went home after that night feeling different. Couldn’t stop thinking about her for some reason. In the days after I realised I’d developed the dreaded feelings. I normally don’t ask out coworkers, but I didn’t want the horrible feeling of doing nothing for the sake of some dumb job, especially considering we probably won’t be working together in a year’s time. So I took a chance. Sadly, it failed.

 

Sorry, I know this is small potatoes compared to some of the stuff folk on here go through. I just needed to vent a bit. I know I’ll eventually get over her. Once she leaves, or I leave, the contact will be cut. I can unfollow her on Facebook too. But in the meantime, I’m stuck right in it, and it’s just really hard, you know? I’m trying to move on, but it’s really difficult because I still like her. I think what sucks more is that I actually thought I had a chance. We got on well in work. She’d laugh at my crap jokes. I’d catch her eye and get a smile across the desks. I remember messaging her through Facebook before all this, just to ask if she was going to a mutual friend’s night out. I was simply messaging to check she’d be there too because I didn’t want to turn up and not know anybody there. I got a quick, totally enthusiastic response, full of blushing smilies and laughs which kind of took me by surprise. I know all this doesn’t sound much, but it was just a lot of little things like that I, in retrospect, probably misread as being possible attraction. Then I develop feelings, ask her out, get a yes, then get mixed signals, and the whole thing dies a death. Now I’m left here feeling like crap, still seeing her every day, still joking around like nothing’s happened, except now I feel ultra self-conscious about every interaction I have with her, whilst at the same time trying to bury these feelings, which I’m finding very difficult to do.

 

Any advice on how to deal would be appreciated, but even so, thanks for listening….or reading I guess

[bummer]

I'd say unfollow her on Facebook and try to slowly build that distance. Fewer texts, fewer lunch dates, and more time chasing other girls or being with your real mates away from thoughts of her.

 

Soon you'll both drift apart socially but can remain joking friends at work. Find a new crush to put your time and attention towards.

[TobiasPelagiad]

I'd say unfollow her on Facebook and try to slowly build that distance. Fewer texts, fewer lunch dates, and more time chasing other girls or being with your real mates away from thoughts of her.

 

Soon you'll both drift apart socially but can remain joking friends at work. Find a new crush to put your time and attention towards.

 

Thanks for the reply! Thankfully since I posted the above I’ve kind of calmed down and cooled off a bit. I still like her, but it isn’t as much of a burning issue on my mind as it was. I’ve been physically and mentally dialling it down, trying to treat and think about her more like a pal, like it was before. So, although I haven’t unfollowed her on Facebook yet (good suggestion - I might still do that) I have stopped checking it as much for updates. I’ve also stopped initiating private messages to her at work and Facebook (to be honest, the only main reason we ever PM’d (private messaged) on FB anyway was when I was ham-fistedly trying to organise a date), and whilst I’m not avoiding her at lunch and breaks, I’m not fussing as much if she’s there or not. That’s not to say if the situation occurs naturally I avoid it – I still hang out with her at lunch if we happen to sit together, and I still joke around and chat as if nothing’s happened. But I’m not seeking it out, if you know what I mean. If I come out for lunch and there’s a bunch of guys I know, I’ll sit with them instead. Don’t get me wrong, inside I’m still a bit torn up about it, and I do still like her, but it’s not as at the forefront of my mind as it was. Kind of just trying to move on. As you say, building distance.

 

Since I’ve been doing this she’s actually started initiating contact more. She’s already PM’d me through work a couple of times. Over the past week she’s tagged me a Facebook post, replied to a FB post of mine that wasn’t even directed at her (it was just a dumb joke I posted for amusement of whoever was reading), and PM’d me over the weekend through FB to ask me a random work-related question. Kind of felt that last one was a bit unfair. She knows I like her and the only times we’ve really communicated through FB messenger was when I was trying to organise a date, which she turned me down for, so I thought there’d be some unspoken rule that we leave the FB chat alone. Sure, my heart skipped a little beat at the time when I got the message, but on reflection her messaging me outside of work with a question she could’ve asked any number of our other mutual work colleagues on FB with just felt a bit….meh, I dunno. I did what I thought was the right thing after being turned down by backing off any outside-of-work communication, and yet she starts contacting me more after I back off.

 

I suppose what I’m trying to get at is, as an example, from my point of view I’ve been on the other side of this where I’ve had a girl who liked me who’d keep messaging me on FB, outside of work. I’d always respond and talk to her (because I did like her, but just as a friend), but when it became obvious early on she liked me more than a friend I made sure never to initiate any FB chats myself as I felt that would be a bit unfair – I know what it feels like to get an unprompted message in the middle of the night from someone I liked, so I didn’t want to do that to her and give her false hope. So it kind of feels I had that done, deliberately or not, to me.

 

Anyway, thanks for the advice!