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I broke it off...but I miss her. Funny huh?


DeaconFrost

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DeaconFrost

Strange huh? Some of you may have read some of my posts in the past (which I thank you for very much), but in any event I broke up with my ex a total of five times in a nine month relationship. Two weeks ago with mutually decided that we just don't have the energy to make it work (although she kind of structured it that I was the one who had much less capability).

 

Its true that I broke up with her all five times, but it absolutely killed me every time I did it. Why you ask? I felt it was an action that was taken out of necessity. We were arguing all the time, and breakups didn't seem to change anything. She would cry, pour her heart out to me, and tell me that it would work out if I only gave it a chance and worked with her on it. So I kept going back hoping that things would be different. I also second guessed my rationale, thinking that I missed something or that I didn't really give it a chance to work out. But the emotional rollercoaster never stopped...it would be GREAT for a day or two and then somehow we would fall back into a pattern of the same old s**t. There was no progress or change. It was all the same...merely sustaining, not improving. I simply couldn't bear the heart ripping agony that was going on between us and rather than attempt to patch a relationship that was already broken and possibly accept mediocrity, I choose to leave.

 

Who knows, maybe I didn't work hard enough. Maybe I haven't learned to compromise or be in a working relationship. Maybe I'm too needy or demanding. I don't really know. But what I do know is that obviously things were just not working and a LARGE part of me started to feel that we may not be right for each other. I always felt we were very different in a lot of aspects, but the good points were too great to ignore. She has a ton of awesome qualities, but when it came down to it we simply had different ideas of how we wanted a relationship to be on a day-to-day level. I am a very passionate guy and I like to have a certain degree of romance present on a regular basis. I love to be in love and I like to reflect and embrace that often...what can I say? The Italian side of me takes over! I'm an extrovert and I don't really care what people think or see. She's an introvert, a bit reserved in public (except when she drinks :p ), and is completely fine with a relationship that operates closer to a friend interaction than that of a pair of lovers.

 

Anyway, I may have broke it off with her and wanted to end the relationship, but I miss her terribly. Whether I do it conciously or not, I seem to just wake up and remember the awesome times we had together (which were in the beginning...not much towards the end). We had great times together and I can't tell you how much it sucks to think that I just can't call her and say hi or go out to dinner with her. It makes it even harder when you have mutual friends and you know you can't all get together ( She introduced me to them). Obviously I'm not going to call her for a while. We both need time to heal and get back to ourselves. But the whole situation just sucks. I miss her. I wanted to be with her forever...like others we talked about marriage and kids in the future. But we could never just connect. We were always running hi-lo with the other.

 

It still amazes me how two people can hit it off so incredibly hard, fall head over heels for each other, be very similar in some ways, and yet not be able to make it work to the point where both are happy AND feel like their needs are fulfilled. Maybe we are just asking too much from each other. I don't know, but it really sucks to be where I'm at. I guess this all kind of sounds absoultely stupid coming from the guy who wanted it to end. Any thoughts guys? Thanks for at least reading...you can respond if you want too :):(

 

Its like what I tell my friends..."Hey, I'm single!....but, I'm single"

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michelle333

It sounds to me like you are committment phobe..You like the rush of a new reltaionship but when it gets comfortable you bail!! You really need to focus on yourself and learn why you need the passion all the time, you will never have a relationship that lasts if you can't get past your fears!!

 

good luck

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DeaconFrost

I don't think I'm a commitment phobe at all, but I guess I'm open to interpretation. I love the idea of a long term relationship and marriage. What I am scared of is divorce. Having said that, if the relationship is not working and nothing seems to be improving then I sure as hell am not going to find out the hard way. I'd like to keep my personal property, thank you. True, I do like the rush...who doesn't? But, at the same time I believe that you need to make an effort to remain romantic with each other on a regular basis...you know, dates, holding hands, cute letters, etc. Maybe passion isn't the right word; I don't need to be lusted after and pined over daily, but there's nothing wrong with enjoying each other's company in a very surreal sense. How about a continuous commitment to romance. I don't think that is such a bad thing...do you?

 

I have no interest in cheating or the like. I am commited to the person I am with. Being comfortable is not my problem per se. It's the routineness and the lack of keeping your relationship fresh that I equate as a precursor to divorce. If you allow yourself to let your relationship lose inventiveness and creativity then you are doomed to mediocrity, IMHO. You have to be committed to keeping it fun and interesting. Maybe I'm wrong. Do I still sound like I am a commitment phobe? I'm intrigued...

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DeaconFrost

You can read my original post about this relationship if you want:

 

The nitty gritty details...

 

Read it and then tell me if I'm a commitment phobe. I kinda doubt it, but sometimes we don't see things as clear as others.

 

Thanks

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Young Woman

DeaconFrost,

 

You did the right thing in breaking up with this woman. The last thing I would have thought of after reading your post is that you are a commitment-phobe. It doesn't sound in the least like you are afraid of commitment.

 

You obviously appreciate a lot of things about your ex-girlfriend. But as you got to know what it was like to be in a romantic relationship with her, you came to learn that what she wants out of a relationship and what you want out of a relationship are simply not the same thing. She wants a relationship that is mostly pretty low-key, light on the romance except during the early part of the courtship, like best friends. You want a relationship that is truly romantic and exciting for the long-term. You are willing to dedicate yourself to keeping the romance alive; she is not really interested in that.

 

What it comes down to is that you are not compatible in a very important respect. It is very healthy to use the dating process to figure out how compatible you are with the other person, and you are very lucky to have been able to figure out that you are incompatible with her in a very important way. You are right, if the two of you had decided to get married very quickly, you would not have had a happy union. You would have felt constantly that your need for romance was not met.

 

Consider yourself lucky to have some great times with this woman. Consider yourself lucky to have learned more about what you need romantically. Remember this woman fondly, but move on. Find someone who is as romantic as you.

 

Good luck.

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  • 2 weeks later...

DeaconFrost,

This explains my most recent relationship in a very real way. Over the span of 2 years, I broke up with the ex numerous times only to want her back or be convinced by her that we can work things out. The extent of our differences and problems in retrospect were very very deep. We had very different views and attitudes on family, religion, and even movies and radio stations. Back then, I realized our problems and decided numerous times that we couldn't be together. Only to try to work things out over and over.

 

She broke up with me in October by stopping all contact without any real reason as to why. I was heartbroken and utterly crushed. After some initial pathetic pleading with her, I started no contact. Since then I've recieved a few emails and responded to a few of them by being brief and friendly. Just this morning I received another one from her giving me an update of her life. Short and sweet. I still love her and think about her on a daily basis. Some days I feel fine, others I wonder what I could have done to make things work. Which brings me to my point.

 

Upon reading the 1st thread of this topic I began to remember how truly incompatible we were. For the last 5 months I've been holding on to this idea of my ex and the relationship I pictured we had. I only thought about the truly good things no matter how much I tried to remember the bad. This might sound dumb to you but heartbreak can play some funny games on our minds. Start no contact and like someone wrote they will either miss you or you will fall out of love with them. For a relationship to end, most of the time its because one of two people are unhappy. If you really think about it, my guess is that its probably more like two. At least that's how it was in my case. I just had a hard time realizing it.

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Ohhhh - I came on here to read people's stories and hopefully find some comfort...and I found this post - I am in a very similar situation. I broke up with my boyfriend of a year, two months ago. For the same reasons as the two of you - we were so into each other but arguing all the time, it just wasn't working. Well, I panicked - begged him to try again, so we did.

 

For a while it was good, but we broke up Saturday. And while I know it's the right thing, it hurts like hell. I am actually aching, but I just don't have the energy for constant arguing. Not shouting matches - I don't mean that, we just bickered non-stop, didn't agree on tiny little things, and eventually our opinions started to grate on each other...it's annoying when someone doesn't see your point of view EVER. Like the post before me, our fundamental beliefs were so different, as well as the tiny little things that make up a conversation - it was exhausting.

 

I don't know what advice to give you, cos if I did, I'd be taking it. But I think we both need to be strong.

I'm not a commitment phobe either, I loved being with my boyfriend and really sharing my life, my family and my friends with him - we were very serious and I enjoyed that.

But again - we must stay strong. There's no point staying with someone if you're not happy - it's the most obvious statement but it's true!! I know it's incredibly sad, I got so p****d off and upset that we both had these feelings but just couldn't make it work - it just seems so unfair. But it's time to move on. It's not meant to be this hard, surely.

 

I'm really feeling for you, I know how hard it is. If you're anything like me, you just want to pick up the phone and tell them you're really hurting too....but that's just so unfair and selfish. I want to tell my ex how much he means to me and how much I am hating myself for hurting him and breaking up with him - I'm devastated!!!! But that would make him feel no better.

 

:( It's really s***.

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