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We are in opposite places [update: Having trouble letting someone go]


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 9th August 2016, 5:48 AM   #1
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We are in opposite places [update: Having trouble letting someone go]

I won't go into too much details on my story, otherwise this post will be very-very long.

Basically, we were dating for 3 years, had on/off relationship, but she always had feelings for me and I never wronged her or as much as flirted with anyone else. She had troubles committing to me though and that was a big issue for me, slowly destroying my feelings.
She was my best friend and we talked days on end via chat. We usually met once a week and she told me this was something she was looking forward the whole week.

Two months ago she got a new job. She is very sociable and witty, so she was instantly showered with male attention. A few weeks after that a coworker adds her on fb. He instantly starts to give her compliments, says how great she is and how it's rare to meet good girls. Basically, after a few days he is in love with her. At first she was resisting, but he was very nice and sending her these elaborate compliments (that's what she told me).
One day she is out with her friend, he asks what is she doing and she tells she is going home. After a few minutes, this dude shows up in his car to pick her up and bring her home! He then tells her "Thank you for allowing me to spend time with you".

At this point she is distancing herself from me and after about a week of their contact (and 3.5 days after he showed up and picked her up) she says she fell head over heels in love and want to try it with this new guy! She thinks he is someone she was waiting for all this time! She only talked to him for a little bit over a week! She is usually very rational about these things and takes her time, but now it's like she is a completely different person!
I initiated NC and now I'm 24 days in. After a week of our break-up she was having a weekend trip to another city with him and they were official! Just yesterday it turns out they are on a trip to another country. She didn't even had spare vacation days yet, since she is working for only two months at her new job! I'm completely shocked. She appears head over heels in love with this guy, very happy, having the time of her life. When we were making plans, she always told that she has to work hard, sometimes on weekends, because this new job is very important and if she does well, she'll have a promotion. Now she has time to spend weekends in another city and even go to another country?

I'm crying my eyes out, having very difficult time coping, alone most of the time. And she is having the time of her life with this new guy. She is more in love with him than she ever was with me. Like how do you go from "My biggest fear is losing you" to complete indifference? I try my best not to look at her page, but sometimes I just slip up. I can't imagine not being able to talk to her or see her ever again. I'm in hell right now.

Was I this ****ty? I wouldn't dream of moving this fast with anybody. I mean, I liked her very much from the beginning, but I tried to control myself, go slow, know her better first, all these things.

This guy was apparently overhearing her for a week or two talking to her other colleagues on lunch break and was remembering things. He later started to present them to her. She was shocked at first, she said she didn't even know she told these things. She thought it's adorable, I think it's a little bit creepy. All his girlfriends were apparently ****ty and she is a rare really nice and amazing girl. Oh, and his hobbies consist of getting hammered at 4am. Apparently he was a pretty heavy drinker until he met her.

I mean, from his page, overall he seems like a decent guy, he has a good job, but I'm constantly asking myself "WTF?" Is this normal? Maybe I should have treated her the same? Was I taking her for granted?

I'm so hurt right now. It seems like she never was truly in love with me and now that she met that guy her life is finally amazing. I miss her very much and honestly don't know how to make it through this. My biggest fear is that I wouldn't be able to connect to anybody the same way I did with her.

It's like everything I want is to write to her and tell her how much I love her and miss her. I just want to stop the pain.

Last edited by He1senberg; 9th August 2016 at 6:24 AM..
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Old 9th August 2016, 1:14 PM   #2
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First off, you will be able to connect with someone else on that level. In fact, I'd like to wager that you would find someone even better. You have a lot invested into this relationship, that is without a doubt.

She has already mentioned her intentions to be with this guy. This is your chance to protect yourself. If you do anything but stay NC, you are going to regret it. If you think you can salvage this, I am sorry to say you can't. Women who are in love with their man would never do something like this. It hurts to know that she isn't truly in love with you in the way you are with her. It makes you feel inadequate, I know all too well.

Ask yourself this. Would you rather be with someone who loves you whole or someone who EVEN CONSIDERS leaving you for another guy just like this? It's pretty obvious, however, you're personal investment and self worth is at stake in your mind. It's a reasonable thing to contemplate, but in the end I know everyone here will agree you need to continue no contact. You need to be in the mindset, "Okay, you want to pursue things with him? Best of luck, this is goodbye. I am WORTH more than this, and I will find someone who appreciates who I am." Believe it or not, you are the lucky one in this situation. There is a high chance with these types of relationships that she will end things with the other guy. I would suggest not to take her back, for a couple reasons:

1. She left you once for someone else, she is likely to do it again.
2. If her relationship ended with the other guy, you'd simply be a backseat option. That is the definition of the worst thing. Imagine living your life with someone knowing that you were only chosen because she failed her "better" relationship.

Understand she didn't intentionally do it to harm you, but she did it to feel better about herself. If she comes back, don't believe her. It is literally already too late to salvage. It would take several years, part of which she was single in order for there to be a chance. Are you willing to wait for that long and that big if? I hope not.

Write her anything you want. Just don't send it. Feel how you need to feel.But just know, you need to start real NC. Why are you visiting the new boyfriends page? You should block her on EVERY social media site, on your phone, etc. Restrict access to his social media so you aren't even tempted to look at it. The saying "out of sight, out of mind" could never be more true. The more she is out of your sight, the less she is in your mind. It will be a slow, long journey for you; however, you are going to come out stronger and I know that you will eventually find someone who values you properly.
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Old 9th August 2016, 4:48 PM   #3
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That's very good advice. Thank you.

The hardest part is that I truly love her. I know that she is a good person, just very immature. I guess we were in codependent relationship, and this is something I need to work on in the future if I don't want to fall in the same trap again.

I know that I shouldn't look at their profiles. However this is one area I'm still struggling with. I'm doing my best to avoid looking ever again. It's not worth it.
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Old 9th August 2016, 11:22 PM   #4
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I am going to metaphorically knock some sense into you. I am only doing this because I am in almost the same place as you are and sometimes I am weak about what happened—right now I am holding myself back as best as possible from trying to check up on her. I need these lessons too. I am not going to hijack your thread, so you can read about my break up here:

https://redd.it/4syxsr
No Contact Support Thread [Post here instead of contacting your ex]

1. Acknowledge your role in this.
You probably feel used and like she wasted your time. Mine kept me around like a prop because I made her feel better about herself. But notice the keywords in your original post: “on and off,” “once a week,” “trouble committing to me.” This was a big issue for you but you let it slide. She was giving you flakiness and cues to exit and you didn’t take them. You didn’t recognize and communicate your own needs, and then take charge when they weren’t being fulfilled (i.e. leave). I did exactly the same thing for three years!

I don’t mean to point at you and say, “hey, you screwed up here”—she bears some responsibility for what happened as I am sure some of her tactics were designed to keep you away from other potential partners even if she wasn’t all that interested. But I want you to have some self-respect and know when to move on; it won’t save you from every heartbreak, but it will help you avoid these situations in the future. Also, I don’t want you to feel bitter towards her because this will not serve you well in the next relationship.

Besides, do you really want her to come back, hang off of you for a few more years, and then find something better again?

2. She is not your responsibility anymore.
Stop worrying whether she is immature, moving too fast or whether her new guy is creepy. This does not serve your recovery and you are wasting time. Your goal here is to reach a point where you don’t care anymore, or where you can emotionally handle seeing her with someone else. I know that sounds cruel and it’s probably a bit unrealistic, but you need to do whatever it takes to cut her and thinking about her out of your life. Someone will come next and you don’t want to miss it because you are still concerned about whether your ex is immature or not. Not. Your. Problem. Other potential partners will not engage with you if they think they would be dropped in a second if your ex came back. Stop tracking her and dwelling on it. I think mine is completely nuts, but it is not my problem.

3. You are not a sh***y person.
She would not have spent three years hanging off you if you were. Have some self-respect. You are not perfect of course, so work on bettering yourself and develop your own source of pride that is not dependent on someone else. It’s attractive and cool, but wallowing in doubt and self-pity is not. Never let one failed relationship ever have that much of an effect on your self-confidence or pride again. I know it’s hard but find some way to do it. Post on loveshack for catharsis!

4. She is not rare and exceptional
I am 45 years old. I have my share of failed relationships. Every time I think there goes ‘the one.’ Yet I have dated again and survived. This is just the psychology of a break up and something you have to work through. There is no ‘one,’ partners become ‘the one’ only after you engage with them in a positive and productive relationship over time. Read my story—do you want to be pathetic for the next five years like my ex? Do you want to miss out on other ‘rare and exceptional’ people because she was the ‘only one’? Besides, I am sure there are lots of things you didn’t like about her, but you just can’t think of them right now.

Hope some of this helps. Sorry if some of this sounds rude, but I wish you only the best OP and I know how hard it can be. Writing this is my own catharsis.
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Old 12th August 2016, 5:14 PM   #5
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Tomatome, man, that's an awesome post! Thank you. I stopped looking at her profile. I'm in much better place now. I understand she wasn't good for me and I can find someone much-much better.

I feel like I was in love with a person than never actually existed. I miss her very much, but letting her back in my life is the worst idea ever. Fool me once...
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Old 12th August 2016, 5:22 PM   #6
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You are better off

She will eventually realize the new guy is not what she wanted either. People fall in love with the idea of falling in love. Its exciting when its new.

Down the road I want to hear that she has tried contacting you but you ignore her cause you have found someone else who does commit to you.

I have been with a woman most of my life who would be polite when guys flirted with her but also made it known who she was with. And that nothing was going to change that. It is a special kind of feeling.
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Old 20th August 2016, 9:29 AM   #7
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Thank you all for good advice. I spent a lot of time trying to figure what went wrong, as she became extremely close to me over the years and I have very deep feelings for her, yet it seems like I was never good enough.

To my surprise I figured out she is a textbook narcissist. Every article about narcissism fits her to a t. She was very afraid of genuine commitment and relentlessly attacked me whenever our relationships became close.

If I am right, it's likely she'll be back and I need to do everything in my power to stay away. She just can't form healthy relationships and won't be able to change.

It's very hard and my mind is playing tricks on me to be around her again, but I need to break this cycle.

I'm 5 weeks NC and haven't looked at her social media for about two weeks now. I hope one day I will be completely indifferent towards her.
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Old 29th August 2016, 9:53 AM   #8
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Having trouble letting someone go

I already posted a thread on here about one aspect of my situation, but I feel like I need to tell the whole story to somebody.

I'll try to be brief.

Me and this girl met at a university. I was a young lecturer, she was my student. She liked me and flirted with me, but I felt like it's wrong to ask her out.
Finally she reached out to me and after talking for some time, she confessed her feelings for me. Another guy was courting her at the same time, but she said she didn't have feelings for him, but he was very persistent.

Long story short, she was torn between us, one night she texted him she loved him, while being completely drunk. After that she felt compelled to be in relationships with him.

I was heartbroken. I tried NC, but it didn't stick and I started talking with her as friends (although I secretly wanted for us to be back together). As you can imagine, my emotions were all over the place and I was making a fool out of myself by going NC and then coming back. I never hid my feelings for her.

After about 9 months of this whole mess, we started to go out together. One time she kissed me while being drunk. Omitting some details, we started to see each other behind her bf's back. I was not happy about it and encouraged her to break up with him, but she kept telling she'll do it later. They had "talks", but later never came. He kept popping in her life and she kept being with him. I was head over heals in love with her and afraid to loose her, so I kinda went with it. Not my proudest moment.

In two years we broke up and went back together a lot. She had talks with her bf, but he refused to let her go. From her words, he didn't care that she didn't love him, he just refused to end their relationship.

In July of this year she was supposed to break up with him to be with me (again). She had second thoughts. Long story short, she fell in love with her coworker and broke up with both of us. She then said that she wasn't satisfied with the state of things and this guy was just a final straw and something she felt she needed to do to change her life.

I immediately went NC and it's been 44 days since we last spoke. She and her new bf started a full-blown relationship right away. I stopped looking at their accounts a while back now, so I don't really know how it progresses.

Through all of this she said that I mean a lot to her and that she is still my friend. She hinted at a chance of reconciliation, but I really don't see that happening. It's just such a mess.

Now I know that this relationship is likely beyond saving and I accepted that it's a good thing it ended, because neither of us was fully satisfied in it. I don't envy the new guy and since she made this mess in her last relationship, I don't really believe next one will just magically work out. But who knows.

According to her, her first relationship was a complete mess too. They lived for 4 years together. They never had sex and she refused his marriage proposal. The guy went nuts, installed spyware on her computer and then she left him.

There were also some abusive moments from his part (he never hit her, but left her in very dangerous situations a couple of times).

I am no longer mad at her, but I really struggle without her friendship. The idea that we are supposed to never talk to each other or see each other just kills me.

I really can't click with anybody else on the same level intellectually and really struggling with my life without her.

I fear being alone again. I was alone for a very long time and when she appeared in my life, I finally felt like there is someone I can connect with.

I don't know what to do. I'm finally quitting my job (something she encouraged me to do, because I was not satisfied with it for ages) and now I'm going to work from home and mostly just be alone.

I could really use that support she offered me, but I feel stupid asking for it, because I'm not sure the person I knew was even real.
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Old 29th August 2016, 10:01 AM   #9
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He1senberg,

This may help;

Advice Wednesday: Will I Ever Stop Obsessing About My Ex & Find ?The One??

Good luck x
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Old 29th August 2016, 11:02 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by He1senberg View Post
I fear being alone again. I was alone for a very long time and when she appeared in my life, I finally felt like there is someone I can connect with.

I don't know what to do.
This is what stood out to me on what your wrote. I think you're focus should be on your self esteem and confidence. I don't think very many strong, confident people would of tolerated being a second fiddle to anyone.

You need to change your negative thinking as well. There are MILLIONS of women out there who possess what you want and need in a relationship. You simply have to apply yourself to meeting them vs. the energy you're expending thinking about this person who used you to stroke her ego.

You're on the right path. You need to vanish from her life and stay NC. You will heal and it gets easier w/each day passing. I can share from experience that dating and then finding someone who wants YOU full time will quickly put this other woman fully out of your mind.
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Old 29th August 2016, 4:52 PM   #11
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Is this the type of relationship you want? Settling is not an answer it is the road to misery. This woman seems to not know what she wants and your job is not to figure out what she wants. She has dumped you and that's all you need to know. Work on your life, you will find another. Be comfortable in your own skin as you don't need someone else to "complete you" or make you happy.
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Old 30th August 2016, 5:25 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by He1senberg View Post
She was very afraid of genuine commitment and relentlessly attacked me whenever our relationships became close.
For reference, mine would become very distant and almost hostile after intimacy/closeness. She would openly tell me she would not want to do anything intimate, then allow herself to be intimate, and finally turn cold if not hostile afterwards. It was very discomforting and left me feeling helpless and alone. This is when your attachment turns into a drug: you receive a hit of the drug (love, intimacy, etc.) and then you are hit with the withdrawal. You are not really missing some lost love, you are missing the high.

Quote:
Originally Posted by He1senberg View Post
If I am right, it's likely she'll be back and I need to do everything in my power to stay away. She just can't form healthy relationships and won't be able to change.
It is a high probability. Mine ignored me for three weeks and then suddenly texted me saying she was free that day to hang out; the message was all emoji and smilies. I told her I was busy and haven't heard from her since (almost two months now). Stay strong, post here.
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Old 30th August 2016, 5:36 AM   #13
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This is what stood out to me on what your wrote. I think you're focus should be on your self esteem and confidence. I don't think very many strong, confident people would of tolerated being a second fiddle to anyone.
Second this. Stronger boundaries as a result of self-esteem and confidence would have helped in this situation, although in my case my ex was manipulative enough to know how to do just enough to keep me in her orbit and to keep me doubting my intuition that the relationship was bad news. Again, NC is better for you because even if she came back begging she would probably play you again.

Coincidental that we both lecture at universities.
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Old 30th August 2016, 12:28 PM   #14
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Second this. Stronger boundaries as a result of self-esteem and confidence would have helped in this situation, although in my case my ex was manipulative enough to know how to do just enough to keep me in her orbit and to keep me doubting my intuition that the relationship was bad news.
Exactly. These things are pretty subtle. Just when I'm starting to doubt that she is sincere and prepared to walk away, she would say something like "I wake up in tears because of what I'm doing. It's really hard on me" or "I'm afraid of him". Once she told me her bf hits her, but asked me to promise not to tell anybody or do anything about it. Imagine my feelings. And the next day everything is back to normal and there is no sign she is afraid of him or wants to leave him.

When we had fights she would just go and do drugs or drink heavily. Giving her health condition, these things are very dangerous, and every time there were high risks of her killing herself in the process.

As you can imagine, I suppressed a lot of things. I was always afraid we would have a fight and she would go and do drugs and OD, and I would forever blame myself for her death.

And most days she is the most normal girl, and these drug-fuelled near-death experiences are like some kind of a dream.

There are days that I think she doesn't know what she is doing and I can't really blame her. And then there are days when I think she manipulated and betrayed me. Sometimes it's hard to understand what's real and what's not.
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Old 27th September 2016, 6:18 PM   #15
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Almost 2.5 months since I last spoke to her. Somehow seems like a lifetime ago. Having a pretty bad day today. She thrown me some breadcrumbs this month by visiting my linkedin profile and then 5 days later liking one of my social media posts (though she is unfriended). That made me angry, because I don't see any reason for her to do any of these things other than to manipulate me into thinking about her.

A week ago I was drunk and noticed that she changed her profile picture to her hugging her new boyfriend, arms and legs wrapped around him while he is holding her. I stupidly went to her page. Of course the pictures of them are everywhere and she is declaring her love all over the place. I was strangely calm when looking at this pictures. Then I was upset. Then somehow I became amused and laughed. It all just seemed so ridiculous. I don't know. Maybe I laughed at myself. I'm so heartbroken over someone who has an emotional capacity of a child. It was really stupid of me thinking she is capable of long-term loving relationship. She would rather run off and be infatuated with somebody, rush the things and make all kinds of stupid mistakes. Well, it's her life.

Hopefully I can restrict myself from looking at her profile again. Apparently I'm not ready to drink yet, so I'll keep my hands off the alcohol. At least I know I won't do anything stupid while I'm sober.

I still miss her very much. And I miss being loved romantically and having someone in my life. I contemplated dating, but I don't feel ready and I think I'll be better off figuring how to be happy by myself.

I still have this ridiculous fantasy her new relationship won't work out (which is likely, but it's irrelevant), and she will be back and I will reject her. And of course, part of me wants to be together with her, but it's just stupid.

I still spend ridiculous amount of time reading about breakups, rebounds, gigs and all that. I really need to stop wasting my time doing that, as I already know what to do: keep no contact, work on yourself and don't expect anything. Still, it's like an addiction at this point. I look for magical pill that will just take me back in time and repair our relationship. Too bad it doesn't exist. Still have to endure the hurt.

If anybody have any words of encouragement, I would appreciate it.
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