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when someone stops loving you


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 17th March 2005, 8:29 PM   #1
jc
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when someone stops loving you

I've been doing no contact for the past month (slipped up once and called him though), and there are days when I barely think about him and I actually feel good about the future. But the past couple of days I have been missing him so much, I just want to call him and tell him that I miss him and make up and live happily ever after (I wish).

When C and I got together, we were both so in love, or at least that's how it seems. How can someone just stop loving you? Even with all the hurt he's caused me, I still love him, but he stopped loving me so easily it seems. I just think that if you truly love someone, you don't just stop loving them, you probably love them forever, though not as intensely. I'm starting to think that maybe he never really did love me...maybe it was infatuation, not love.

Right now, I just wish I could understand why he stopped loving me...am I that unloveable...I don't know.

And for next time, how do I trust that someone really loves me when they say they do. I'm scared to put my trust in someone like that again because it seems so easy for some people to change their minds. In my opinion, that is not love.
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Old 17th March 2005, 9:08 PM   #2
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I've been where you are and would like the same answers.

Is there anyone out there who suddenly fell out of love with the person they were with and how did that happen or were you being dishonest with them from the start or ???
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Old 17th March 2005, 9:14 PM   #3
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I've been there too. My ex fell in love and out of love with me more than once.

I've never understood it. How can you fall out of love with someone? Is it because you spend too much time with them? You get tired of being with them? Really, if there is someone who's fallen out of love, how? How does it happen?
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Old 17th March 2005, 9:28 PM   #4
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Quote:
1. How can someone just stop loving you?
2. Even with all the hurt he's caused me, I still love him, but he stopped loving me so easily it seems.
3. I just think that if you truly love someone, you don't just stop loving them, you probably love them forever, though not as intensely.
4. I'm starting to think that maybe he never really did love me...maybe it was infatuation, not love.
1. They just do. Hope, expectation and anticipation are things that keep love alive. Once someone loses hope for your relationship, no longer has expectations for the future of the relationship, and anticipation turns to obligation - then love will die. Why did this happen? There really can be no answer to 'why'. Falling out of love is just as intangible as falling into love.

2. I don't expect it was easy - falling out of love is a painful internal process. You feel it happening, and you helplessly watch love drain from your heart. Every day you see your partner in an ever diminishing light. Its painful, sad, hopeless and makes you feel guilty as hell particularly if your partner did nothing to bring it on. Having your love die for someone is like watching a loved one die from a long, painful terminal illness. You know it will end, and you've accepted it - but you don't want it to end at the same time. You remember how much you did love them, and you know you'll miss them - but the love just keeps dying. Why? That's the most infuriating part. Sometimes there is no why. Toward the end, when the pain is so great - you find to your horror and guilt that you wish it would just end, so that the pain can end and you can go on with your life after you let go and move on.

It is never easy. It only seems easy to you, because you only get to see the process after the person has accepted it and lets the love for you reach a low enough point to start making emotional breaks with you. That coldness - that "he seems like a stranger", that tension - those are all part of the end stages. By the time it reaches this part you start hearing stuff like "I need space" or "I'm confused about what I want". The confusion comes when you look at someone who you loved so much, and to your horror you find that with every passing day that love dies a little more, and a little more - against your will, it seems. Those bits of love left that are receding, are those bits that keep you coming back - but eventually even those go, too. The person who fell in love with you is gone, replaced by the person who fell out of love with you. The person who loved you would have never gone cold on you, but the person who fell out of you would, because you no longer are in a 'loving' or 'romantic' context for them, and they feel no particular need or obligation toward you anymore.

3. I think 'true love' is the kind that transcends the neediness of romance, and deepens into the same sort of emotions you might have for a family member. When you can love your partner as you love your family - a deep, enduring, understanding love which allows for acceptance of who the person is rather than what they do for you, then that is the type of love which generally lasts. Can that deep base of love end? I'm sure it can, but it doesn't end in quite the same way. The 'romantic' or 'lustful' stuff will recede and fade and fluctuate - and it is that base of 'true love' which sustains during these fluctuations.

A lot of 'love' never gets to this point, because a lot of that 'love' is purely conditional. It only lasts as long as one partner keeps the other one happy and 'in love'. If that 'in love' and 'happy' takes a nose dive, and there's not that enduring base of non-romantic love there - the relationship will end.

4. I'm sure he did love you. The hardest thing to understand though, is that just as someone can fall deeply 'in love', they can also fall 'out of love' as well. Falling out of love doesn't mean that the love wasn't real. It just means it ended.

Quote:
am I that unloveable
Most of the time, falling out of love has little to do with the partner. You can be the 'best girlfriend in the world' and that won't stop the process, because while you may perceive the relationship as 'good', your partner may not feel the same way. You can control emotional investments you put into the relationship, but you have no control over what your partner will do with those emotional investments.
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Last edited by LucreziaBorgia; 17th March 2005 at 9:32 PM..
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Old 17th March 2005, 11:24 PM   #5
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Hm.


Quote:
2. I don't expect it was easy - falling out of love is a painful internal process.
Quote:
3. I think 'true love' is the kind that transcends the neediness of romance, and deepens into the same sort of emotions you might have for a family member. When you can love your partner as you love your family - a deep, enduring, understanding love which allows for acceptance of who the person is rather than what they do for you, then that is the type of love which generally lasts
Quote:
4. I'm sure he did love you. The hardest thing to understand though, is that just as someone can fall deeply 'in love', they can also fall 'out of love' as well. Falling out of love doesn't mean that the love wasn't real. It just means it ended.
I agree with your para. 3 but find paras. 1 & 4 contradict it. I don't think that what you fall out of is love. If you just fall out of it for no reason, then it was something you might have thought was love but wasn't. If you fall out of love because your love is killed by the misdeeds of your partner, maybe you were in love. But if it just fates, I'm really dubious it was the real thing.
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Old 18th March 2005, 4:52 AM   #6
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I also agree with section/paragraph 3. I would amend it to say that it is true love also only if both parties involved feel the same way. Otherwise, it's a one sided true love and in this case discussing the love between two people, I think it's important to make the distinction.

To have loved truly and to have been lovely truly, that is love.

Thank you all for these engaging comments and for the hope!

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Old 18th March 2005, 5:42 AM   #7
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Lucrezia, I really love the way you describe the falling out of love process. It touched me because it helped me understand the position I was in with exbf 6 months ago.

One thing I still wonder is, is it possible the person who fell out of love with you feels regret and second guesses if they made the right decision?

My ex was very cold in the breaking up process (over the phone, without clear explanation), so different to the guy I knew. I was so shocked by the way he did it, almost as if he was sabotaging the relationship we had on purpose.

I don't want him back anymore but I guess it would make him seem more human to me right now if I knew he may feel regret and feels bad for what happened, even if he doesn't necessarily want to be back in the relationship.

Does that make sense?
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Old 18th March 2005, 10:56 AM   #8
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Originally posted by Donut
One thing I still wonder is, is it possible the person who fell out of love with you feels regret and second guesses if they made the right decision?
It depends on how far he went with his emotional break from you.

Sometimes in a breakup, the person will still retain some small bit of love and affection for the partner that they take with them when they leave. It is these small bits which will cause them to see things or hear songs which remind them of you and make them sad (not sad enough to come back, but more of a nostalgic 'sad for what was lost' sad). This is not to say they would go so far as to have second thoughts, but I suppose they could if they retained enough of the love they had left for you.

Now, in some cases its not so pretty or poignant. If the breakup drags out too long, any bit of love or affection will be seen as traps to escape from and any positive feelings will turn to feelings of hostility and all that the person takes with them when they leave is a sense of relief (like my ex, Mark - I'm sure he had to detox for a looooooooong time after the emotional black hole hell I put him through.) I made it very difficult for Mark to leave - and by the time he did finally get away, any love he had for me turned to hatred. I am not exaggerating, either. I expect he still does hate me.
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Old 18th March 2005, 11:49 AM   #9
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This would probably be the thread where the question on everyone's mind is this:

Is it possible for someone who fell out of love with you to fall back into love with you?
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Old 18th March 2005, 12:04 PM   #10
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4. I'm sure he did love you. The hardest thing to understand though, is that just as someone can fall deeply 'in love', they can also fall 'out of love' as well. Falling out of love doesn't mean that the love wasn't real. It just means it ended.
Well put.

I think too, that things can just get in the way. Controlled and uncontrolled events. Depends on the person too, how they handle every day stresses and the ups/downs in relationships.

You can still LOVE somebody always, but maybe just not feel it as intensely as it was at the beginning. Some can turn it on/off more easily than others, which then comes off like the other person doesn't care...When infact they could just be coping and the wall goes up.

In any relationship that ends or if somebody falls out of love, remember it isn't about you, it's all about the other person. You may not have done anything.

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Is it possible for someone who fell out of love with you to fall back into love with you?
Great question!!

Maybe. Depends on the history between 2 people. And how much they were in love.
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Old 18th March 2005, 12:57 PM   #11
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Originally posted by BrotherAaron
This would probably be the thread where the question on everyone's mind is this:

Is it possible for someone who fell out of love with you to fall back into love with you?
When a dish falls, it breaks. It doesn't then jump up from a broken state back into a fixed state. You can glue the old one back together, but there will always be cracks there which will cause the dish to be weaker than it once was. You can't unbreak the old plate, but you can buy a new one that is similar to the old one. It won't be exactly the same, but it will be similar. It just depends on whether or not you want to hold on to the pieces of the broken dish, or go out together and buy a new dish. You'll need to keep the pieces around somewhere though - to be ever mindful to be careful about those things that caused the old one to be broken.

This is how relationships and second chances work. If both partners are willing to set aside the broken pieces of their love as 'lessons learned' in the relationship, they can take greater care to see that their new love doesn't suffer the same fate. This will only work though, if both partners are willing and able to let go of those broken pieces instead of continually trying to fix them. You have to start with something new, and take great care to keep from subbing in the broken pieces. Give up the 'old', but keep it in mind as you work on the 'new'. You have to accept that the first chance was over, accept why it ended and prevent yourself from making the same mistakes the second time around.

It has to be mutual though. Most of the time, people are perfectly willing to walk away from the shattered pieces and go buy new dishes with someone else. They have to want to fall in love again. A lot of times, they don't.
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Old 18th March 2005, 8:18 PM   #12
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love as a broken dish

[QUOTE]Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia
When a dish falls, it breaks. It doesn't then jump up from a broken state back into a fixed state. You can glue the old one back together, but there will always be cracks there which will cause the dish to be weaker than it once was.

I completely agree with your analogy about the broken dish...When C and I broke up the first time, he told me that he didn't love me anymore and didn't want to be with me anymore...then we got back together a few months later. The problem was, I never felt totally secure in our relationship ever again. When we got back together, he told me that he loved me and wanted to be with me forever. A part of me couldn't believe him though, because of what he said to me before. If he had stopped loving me so easily just a few months earlier, how could I trust him again? I tried to patch the pieces back together, but all the issues that had broken us up in the first place remained cracks in the relationship.

I guess it's not much of a surprise that this time when our relationship broke, it shattered into pieces.

Like you Lucrezia, I put C through hell when he broke up with me the first time, I just didn't understand how he couldn't love me anymore. I still don't understand that part of it, but at least now I'm willing to let him be on his own and in turn, letting myself heal from this.

One last question: When we broke up this time around, C told me that he didn't love me the way I loved him, but when I asked him if he still loved me, he refused to answer. When we said goodbye last time he told me he loved me. I'm probably reading way too much into this...or is he just playing head games with me?
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Old 19th March 2005, 4:38 PM   #13
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JC,

Maybe I can provide some insight for you being the guy who is on the other side of the fence. Me and my ex broke up five times with each period of reconciliation getting shorter and shorter. I initiated it all five times....kinda sad huh? Obviously, I don't know if I am exactly like your ex, but if I tell you my story maybe you can see the correlation and understand a bit better.
------------------------------------------------------------
The story in a nutshell

You see, I loved this girl TO DEATH! I can't put into words how much being with her changed my life. But over time, as with any relationship, a lot of heavy stuff entered our sphere of love and slowly began to weaken the structure. In retrospect, I think she did a lot of hurtful things to me unconciously (at least I hope this was the case)...in wake of the problems we never clearly communicated and discussed a plan for action and resolution. All we did was wallow in our own problems and grieviances. Anyway, where I am heading with this is that I simply could not bear the agony, frustration, and complete mind-f**k that was ensuing. It was ruining me, my progress in life, and I had to have been very similar for her. We let the problems compound so much that we got in over our heads.
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My rationale

For me, my only choice was to leave. The process that Lucrezia described is on point! I continuously felt like something was amiss (I still don't know what it was...). All of a sudden I could feel myself falling from this Cloud 9 of love and slowly drifting back to the jagged earth below. I hated every minute of it. As such, I tried even harder to remedy the situation and ignore all the bad. Needless to say I just couldn't do it. I had open wounds that ran deep. One day, I woke up and realized that she was not going to change any time soon and that it was silly to continuously beat each other down. I loved her so much, but the only way to fix the situation was leave...I soon adopted a principle that maybe we just weren't right for each other.

Just like you, she made it impossible for me to leave. Over a period of four breakups and reconciliations she realized that she was losing me. Everytime, she called she would make an observation about our relationship that I didn't fully grasp...before you know it, I began to doubt my rationale for breaking up with her and second guess whether I had truly given it my all instead of simply bailing. I went back each time determined to make it work. But, in the back of my mind I still had this feeling like we just weren't right for each other. And just like your ex JC I told her I loved her and that I wanted to be with her forever. Damnit, I meant it too...but there comes a point when you realize that its just not working and that you need to stop pretending.

I am sure that your ex loved you, but whether it was an inherent problem in your relationship that continuously eat away at him or a feeling like you just weren't the one, it probablly eventually compounded to the point where it was just too much. I don't know about him, but in the last few weeks I was with her, it was the only time in my life that I felt like I was going to collapse from the crazyness and insanity. I lost it for one night...that was enough for me. The point is, it is probably not about giving up on you or falling out of love with apparent ease and quickness. It may be more about realzing that the situation is not good for you or the other person and that maybe you simply weren't meant to make babies together...Lord knows we don't need another disfunctional kid from a broken home in this society.
------------------------------------------------------------
To answer your last question

I'll bet that there is more hidden meaning in him saying that he doesn't love you the way you love him. I'll bet that its not about love at all. Its probably him trying to tell you that he doesn't have the conviction and capability to be in this relationship with you at this time. For whatever reason its just not possible. If you adopt the mindset that the situation its simply not right for you and possibly not meant to be, then whats the point of prolonging the pain and hurt...especially if you do love the other person? Its better to end the hurt, part ways, and hope that you can be friends in the future.

As for him not responding...I did the same thing when she asked me if I loved her (actually she said "I know you still love me"). I was quiet. Why? Because I didn't want to lead her on in hopes of getting back together and I didn't want to get sucked back into a situation that I really wanted to work but on the inside knew wouldn't . It wasn't fair to either of us. So, I sucked it up and said nothing (eventually I too said I loved her before I left). I still love my ex and always will and I wouldn't be surprised if your ex feels the same way. But for whatever reason at this point in your lives, it just isn't going to work out. He's not playing head games, he's telling the truth. Its just really hard to admit (especially to yourself) that its not going to work out.

Hopefully that helps you...I know it was a bit therapeutic for me (my breakup is still very fresh). Anyway, good luck to you...you'll find the right one when the time is right
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Old 19th March 2005, 7:43 PM   #14
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This thread has given me alot of insight, thanks everyone
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Old 19th March 2005, 8:27 PM   #15
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But of course! (Assuming my post helped at all )
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