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She text msg today, with overtones of getting jiggy.

 

The reply, brief but poignant, that I was having trouble reconciling the four years of deceit, that it was hard but I cope :laugh::D:laugh:

 

I spied Satu journaling, it recorded perspective of Sex without Love, I would add Deep Love without Trust, can't be achieved with a SO.

 

Amongst my associates there are people I love, whom I don't trust, I wouldn't want to get jiggy without both love & trust

Edited by Nowty V
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  • 4 weeks later...
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Coping, coping on what level lah....

 

When I get up and start getting on with my do, the thoughts of her avalanche me.

 

I'm not aware of her last thing at night nor first thing in the morning, usually, today was a weird one as I was having a real strong visual of squeezing her breasts and kissing them.

 

Like Whoa wtf, some kind of Oedipus thing going on here, or some cure the Toxic Parent shid. Psychology theory can furrow ones brow.

 

Or do I just plain and simple miss her. My libido has tailed off to zero over the past month but this usually can happen if I'm working regular at the gym.

 

I have no motivation toward OLP, I used to be quite fond of it. I've visited an old profile that I used for OLD and chatted with a few female acquaintances, it was nice to catch up but I couldn't wait to get from there.

 

I'm not consciously aware that I want to 'Booty Call' my recent Ex although some visuals have been rather naked.

 

In the past if I've had a bad break up I heal for a number of weeks, then get out socially and 'get back on the horse' as it were. I have no interest in that. I do get out socially but have no motivation toward a hook up.

 

I wouldn't class this as a bad break up, it was the logical step to take as we couldn't progress or grow the relationship.

 

Maybe the problem was how deep I fell for her, if I'd wanted to continue getting off my cake and partying we'd still be doing it now.

 

Previously I haven't had a problem with a transient, partying encounter, but a long term partying thing wasn't going to make me happy. I don't mind a party but I like months of sobriety attending to life's necessities. I like being sober.

 

I've kept everything together [life, bills, hygiene, appearance, work, contacts etc] throughout the relationship. However my domicile is in a horrendous state.

 

I don't know what I was thinking, could have been if my place was a pig sty she wouldn't like to visit so often, and if she did she wouldn't bring anyone with her if I wasn't in, I work long hours. Screwy logic, poor perception of reality. [duration of state 18 months, it's bad]. To my knowledge she never let anyone in my place but her dealers did call.

 

Today is the first day I've set to work on putting it right, replaced the keyboard in a laptop when the part arrived 3 month back. De-cluttering, organising.... just generally going through mounds of stuff we accumulated while partying and passing the 4 years, she is everywhere, her clothes, CD's, shoes.... shoes... more shoes.

 

I know what needs to be done and I know how to do it, but a debilitating malaise descends on me like a fog, sits me on my ass numb.

 

Am I still in love with her? For sure, I wasn't in love with her potential, she was a blast. I hoped she could be more open but didn't press her on it, the chemical dependency was a deal breaker.

 

Part of what she did say was that she had been raped, I've read this can promote funky coping mechanisms, that is kinda scary.

 

Does any of this flag anything up for anyone that I'm not seeing?

Edited by Nowty V
omission
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So I got on with the clean up, in fits and starts. Little bit here that led to a little bit there.

 

Emptied the bathroom complete, washed the walls down, the utilities, fixed a tap that had leaked forever. I was stripping old sealant from around the bath.

 

I know how to do these jobs, had done them for a living .. mind was wandering when .... Epiphany... a blinding realisation.. why was I doing it this way .. the way to do it is like so .. Epiphany.

 

How tenuous has my grip on reality been these past years? Kinda stood me back. Been on automatic pilot.

 

Was a real eye opener. I left it all as it was and went for a swim. Now I can tackle it like a mean it. I feel a heap better, but the question of what I've been about these past years ... well least said soonest mended I say.

 

A question if anyone reads this and has an answer, there are boxes of items that are hers, do I contact her and give her chance of a refusal or do I just off it to the tip ...

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Had a brief txt interaction initiated by her on Wednesday it ended like this:

 

Her: F**k You, You know f***ing nothing

 

Me: I know you're a Coke-Head, what more do I need to know?

 

I sent a brief letter to her Father [she lives with Parents] Thursday, nothing heavy and no sour-grapes, just explaining our relationship ended due to her continuing Cocaine Addiction.

 

How much I liked her and how upset I am that it ended this way.

 

Included some drug test kits [Cocaine urine test strips] in the letter.

 

I'll never know how this was received.

 

I gave up Smoking on Thursday, feeling a bit full-on today. Have been swimming a mile every other day for past 7 days. Yesterdays recovery time was phenomenal.

 

I normally have to spend about 10 minutes in the Spa before I go in the steam room, amazing how the body recovers from smoking.

 

I guess it's onwards and upwards. I have to accept this thing is over now, I still held out hope....

 

Hope we could agree, hope I could get the money back I lent her, hope that the past 4 years weren't a waste of time, effort and money. Hope that at the end of the day I wasn't blinded by my feelings and just being really stupid....:sick::sick:

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  • 3 weeks later...
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A few friends were playing [band] in a newly opened venue in town, I went along with an old friend from way back when. I'd never seen their set before.

 

Also, it was a 50th birthday of a base player in another band, there was a huge buffet laid on and the venue was cool, retro but done very well.

 

I had an amazing night, played Tambourine and generally enjoyed the party.

 

The base players band was a punk outfit with a female lead guitar/vocalist and she was *HoT*, furthermore she was giving me the glad eye as she moved around between sets.

 

She is an established Muso with a huge apartment above the venue with recording studio, she also has shares in the venue.

 

The night progressed and we got to talking, flirting, but I stayed in the main with the group I arrived with.

 

At the end of the evening [early morning] I left with my buddy as I did not feel up to getting involved with anything.

 

She followed us out and asked us to hang on, went up to her apartment to let her dog out and we spoke about the breed, had a parting kiss and bit of a fumble. I don't recall this, my buddy filled me in next day.

 

I was supposed to go for breakfast with her next day but due to being inebriated I never made it. Never been back.

 

Trouble is my train wreck of an ended relationship still grips me. The ex had a trauma age 14 and I am one of only two people party to the information. I feel some kind of duty of care to assist her in whatever way to get some professional help for it. I don't feel easy moving on.

 

I've not seen her or spoke to her [ex]

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