My great-grandmother just found out my grandfather died

[Nabely]

We're all at lost on how to deal with her sadness.

 

My grandfather who was 69 years old died of cancer several weeks ago and we were trying to keep this news from reaching my great-grandmother (who just turned 90 this year). We thought she wouldn't really notice due to her age.

 

She found out 3 days ago; I don't know how. She has a great memory and has been devastated. At this moment, she's been crying all day long in her room. She kept saying how she doesn't want to live anymore.

 

My grandfather was really her only child, Is there anyway we can help her cope with her (ours as well too) loss? At the same time, she's very upset that none of us informed her.

Edited June 18, 2016 by Nabely

[anna121]

You say she is 90, but is she actually senile? If she has a good memory, it doesn't sound like it.

 

If she isn't actually suffering from dementia, then I'm sorry but what you did was very wrong. It was not your family's right to keep such vital information from her. Finding out this way has probably made the loss that much worse.

 

Apologize as sincerely as you can, take your lumps and tell her that you will do all you can to support her.

[Nabely]

Thank you for answering anna121,

No, she isn't senile. She's a very healthy woman for her age and can still stand up with a walker whenever she wants to get off the wheelchair.

 

We all feel truly awful but just didn't know how to bring her the bad news. I didn't want to see her suffer, esp at her age. We felt this was too much of a sensitive information for her to handle.

 

I will do all my best to support her.

[anika99]

Whose bright idea was it to hide your grandfather's death from his own mother? Does this mean she was excluded from the funeral? Did she know he was terminally ill or was that also hidden from her so that she was robbed of saying goodbye to him as well? What a terrible thing to do to her. It's probably compounded her grief.

 

There isn't much you can do now. She's going to grieve for her son, there's no way around that. Just let her through it, be supportive and listen to her when she wants to talk. Don't tell her how to feel or how she should cope. Grieving is a personal experience that everyone has to do in their own way.

[elaine567]

She's an adult, stop infantilising her.

I have never heard anything so cruel.

She is in sound mind so how were you going to hide the fact he had died for potentially the next 10+ years?

[anna121]

Was she also not told beforehand that her son had cancer?

[BlueIris]

Apologize to her. Oh, your poor great-grandma.

 

Talk with your family members about what a mistake it was, how disrespectful, how she might not trust any of you again, how she is just like everyone else who would be incredibly sad at the death of their child. I hope they understand that- really understand and regret it- and they apologize too.

 

You know, I'd want to talk as a family in general and decide to never do that to each other in the future.

[Poppyolive]

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I'm sad to say you not telling her was a terrible idea. Im sure you had the best intentions. But, she is hurting big time. And possibly more so having kept it from her. She was bound to find out, right? It is her son! Of course she is crying heaps, and it's completely natural and ok. Allow her to do that. Right now she needs apologies, explanations and above all, comfort. Even just to be held. No words.

 

I'm sure in retrospect you regret not telling her, but, I dint understand why? It's all very sad.

[Nabely]

Update: For now we're all doing our best to comfort her. She has been asking why didn't she die first, why did it had to be her son.

 

She knew about when my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer but thought that he was going to be fine and improve with all his medications and treatment. At the time, none of us told her that it was terminal and instead told her another version. Even my grandfather didn't want to tell his mother about it so it was something we all agreed we wouldn't tell.

 

Yes, we all feel terribly sorry for robbing her of her choice to say goodbye to him (even though he didn't want to tell his mother either that there was no cure).

[Nabely]

Was she also not told beforehand that her son had cancer?

Yes, but she didn't know it was terminal. She thought my grandfather was going to improve.

 

I have to go now. I'm going to be with the family. She wants to visit his grave.

[BlueIris]

Update: For now we're all doing our best to comfort her. She has been asking why didn't she die first, why did it had to be her son.

 

She knew about when my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer but thought that he was going to be fine and improve with all his medications and treatment. At the time, none of us told her that it was terminal and instead told her another version. Even my grandfather didn't want to tell his mother about it so it was something we all agreed we wouldn't tell.

 

Yes, we all feel terribly sorry for robbing her of her choice to say goodbye to him (even though he didn't want to tell his mother either that there was no cure).

 

Oh, so he decided. That's too bad.

I'm glad you're taking her to his grave so she can say goodbye in that way.

I'm sorry for your loss.

My father died in January so I understand, especially today on Father's Day in the US. I'm glad your family is getting together.