How to deal with your ex anger?

[little_cloud]

We are both in our late twenties. My story with my last ex was very bad and I would like to get your advice on how to deal with this break up.

 

 

It was a proper rollercoaster of on and off relationship (worth of a pure black comedy movie), then there was a break of 9months or so, he came back pursued me and yet again 2 more years of on and off. The situation is pretty much the same:

- He comes back, pursues,

- And once he has a relationship he gets angry about anything and everything I do and say.

- Then he goes ballistic and causes much pain, cancels plans the last minute and wish for me to fail (like once per 2 weeks every month)

- But he doesn't want to leave me.

- I shut down and feel worthless You know when a new day comes, and all you want for it to end and go to sleep. You do not want to meet anyone, do not want to deal with him just contemplate my life by myself and rely on the fact that with time I find a way out.

 

In total 4 years it has been like that!

 

The last episode was when he agreed to attend a wedding together and a week before went ballistic again, blocked me and disappeared for a week, when the wedding was happening. If you asked me why? It was because I told him that my friend asked whether he helped me moving my things from one property to the other and I said the truth - that he did not. For my ex it was an insult.

 

I decided to break up. Week of peaceful time passed, we got back in contact and he was nice for 20min and yet again went ballistic. If he hates me and although it does hurt, I do not wish him anything bad and want us to break up, why he keeps coming back to attack me? He insists on us being together, that I need to change while he does not believe in this relationship and will not do anything to change himself. (what is this ???) Should I laugh or cry in such situation?? When I ask how to make him stop attacking me - he says that he doesn't know. How can I disappear from this situation?

 

I was thinking maybe to ask him for 3-4 months silence and offer then to get in contact. I do not wish to get back together, but I do not want to go through a month or more of insults and all the hurtful phrases he says about me. It is hard to juggle extra long hours at work with tight deadlines and at the same time deal with a person who hates me. HELP!

[Zahara]

How can I disappear from this situation?

 

I was thinking maybe to ask him for 3-4 months silence and offer then to get in contact. I do not wish to get back together, but I do not want to go through a month or more of insults and all the hurtful phrases he says about me. It is hard to juggle extra long hours at work with tight deadlines and at the same time deal with a person who hates me. HELP!

 

You disappear permanently by going no contact. No, you don't get in contact 3-4 months later because the cycle will only repeat where it left off.

 

What does it say about your self-esteem and self-respect that you desire someone in your life that insults and antagonizes you?

 

I'm not sure why 4 years of this hasn't been enough for you to want to move on. Instead you choose to be beaten over the head over and over.

 

And you don't "deal" with an angry ex, you remove them from your life.

[little_cloud]

Thank you for your reply. The 3-4 months offer is a false hope, in this case I would say anything to make him calm down and let me be without attacks for the future. My hope is that in this time he would move on.

 

 

The worry is if I do not understand from where such anger is coming how can I ensure that this would not happen in the future with another person? Could I be doing something that would make the person I would be with in the future not become so angry with me? How do you calm down a person if he is insecure or angry? I do not want to be with him, but would like to ensure not to end up in such situation with another person, calm this storm and learn something from this situation.

[Zahara]

Thank you for your reply. The 3-4 months offer is a false hope, in this case I would say anything to make him calm down and let me be without attacks for the future. My hope is that in this time he would move on.

 

That's the thing -- why do you have the need to appease him? Who cares if he's angry or mad? If you remove him from your life, you will not be witness nor have to tolerate any of this bad behavior. There is no need for you to allow him access or opportunities to attack you. I'm not sure what this "future" all means -- when someone treats you badly, they are removed permanently. There is no future.

 

The worry is if I do not understand from where such anger is coming how can I ensure that this would not happen in the future with another person? Could I be doing something that would make the person I would be with in the future not become so angry with me? How do you calm down a person if he is insecure or angry? I do not want to be with him, but would like to ensure not to end up in such situation with another person, calm this storm and learn something from this situation.

 

What would be better for you to understand is why you've tolerated this for 4 years. This isn't about him anymore but your lack of boundaries and your lack of self-respect. Work on those and you'll eliminate from having to tolerate this sort of behavior again in the future.

 

Why are you self-blaming? Could it be that he just has anger issues? Could it be that he is emotionally stunted? This is the thing with staying in situations where people break you down with manipulative behavior -- you lose yourself, you lose all sense of sound judgement, you lose your self-esteem -- and you end up sitting there taking the blame for everything because you've been conditioned to walk on eggshells. As you said, he's made you feel worthless. So you sit there and point the finger at yourself.

 

Instead of worrying about how to calm an angry or insecure person, best to focus on working on yourself. Once you establish healthy boundaries and standards for yourself, you'll know what you will accept and what you'll not tolerate in the future.

Edited May 23, 2016 by Zahara

[basil67]

The worry is if I do not understand from where such anger is coming how can I ensure that this would not happen in the future with another person? Could I be doing something that would make the person I would be with in the future not become so angry with me? How do you calm down a person if he is insecure or angry? I do not want to be with him, but would like to ensure not to end up in such situation with another person, calm this storm and learn something from this situation.

 

What you need to remember is that we are each responsible for our own behaviour. If he's angry and acts inappropriately, that's on him - not you.

 

But for argements sake, let's say that you were doing really annoying stuff. A man with good behaviour would talk with you kindly about how what you do makes him feel. He would treat you with respect and work to solve the problem together. He wouldn't treat you in the appalling way that your ex did.

 

Do a quick Google search on assertive vs aggressive. You'll see what I mean

[little_cloud]

I am just checking it via Google. Both assertive vs aggressive and also any ideas on how men act if at some point they lost interest and are indifferent but not confident enough to leave you.

 

It would be hard to think that all the things I did was to annoy the person. The things that made him angry was my smile, my shoes, the way I clean the dishes, or simply my interests, my laugh, or that I did not look happy enough when I said 'Hi'. Most of things were rather mean. If you walk down the street without speaking and see a little bird on the tree, which makes you smile, why should that person get angry at you because of that..

[Satu]

 

*I decided to break up. Week of peaceful time passed, we got back in contact and he was nice for 20min and yet again went ballistic.

 

*You broke up with him, so what possible reason could you have for seeking him out?

 

Did you want more drama?

Edited May 24, 2016 by Satu

[little_cloud]

that is interesting to hear. So does this mean that if you break up the only thing your ex is capable of is drama? Aren't we mature enough to return each other's items, or not run 20 miles away in case that person gets in contact with you? And if the person starts sending you mean words about you and your family out of the blue, is this me what causes the drama? Natural feeling you get receiving such messages - well, it hurts. I don't see a purpose of sending these.

 

 

I question why people act this way and isn't there a way to let go without anger outrages? I had break ups before (including the previous person I was engaged with) and they did not include attacks from ex'es.

[Zahara]

that is interesting to hear. So does this mean that if you break up the only thing your ex is capable of is drama? Aren't we mature enough to return each other's items, or not run 20 miles away in case that person gets in contact with you? And if the person starts sending you mean words about you and your family out of the blue, is this me what causes the drama? Natural feeling you get receiving such messages - well, it hurts. I don't see a purpose of sending these.

 

 

I question why people act this way and isn't there a way to let go without anger outrages? I had break ups before (including the previous person I was engaged with) and they did not include attacks from ex'es.

 

You experienced 4 years of volatility. At some point you grasp the fact that this person only adds drama to your life and you let go. Don't project "maturity" on another when time and time again it's been established that this person cannot and will not be what you expect them to be.

 

Yes, when someone sends you mean messages about you and your family and you choose to allow them back into your life -- YOU are the one enabling and encouraging drama in your life. I have to think after this long you are actually addicted to the drama.

 

Your ex attacks you because he's an angry and bitter person. He probably gets a kick out of tearing someone down because it makes him feel better about himself. He likely treats you badly because he knows you have no self-respect. He probably gets some satisfaction seeing you squirm. He probably can't stand you but also can't stand the fact that he has to depend on you for benefits, therefore it manifests as contempt for you.

 

I hate to be harsh but this consistent need to understand and analyse his behavior is useless. The behavior you should be analyzing is why you allowed yourself to be treated so badly for this long without having the ability to step away and move on.

Edited May 24, 2016 by Zahara

[trueluV]

I read a post from you on another thread and it lead me to here.

what you wrote and what you're going through or had gone through sounds almost identical to my situation.

 

the anger, blaming, finger pointing, apologizing, ...etc.

My b.f. (not sure if i could still call him like this) always gets angry at me for small things, and if i don't apologize to him right away and admit my wrong, and even if i admit my wrong, he blames me for creating a problem and keeps going on and on and tell me how wrong i was.

i would be the one who gets all the responsibility for creating this problem.

i told him a few times, if he sees a problem, can he tell me in a 'nicer' way, otherwise if he crtisizes me while he is angry, i naturally get to defend myself. but he doesn't understand it why he needs to be nice or why i'm giving him directions what to do when i am the one who caused the issue.

 

i told him many times, we need to compromise and both need to work on the relationship, not just me, but he thinks i'm the only one who has a problem so it's not us to work on the relationship but only me.

 

and yet, he seems hesitating to break up with me.

 

i can't break up with him either. i don't know, but somehow i can only remember the happy moments with him and when he was so in love with me, and makes me so sad if i think we'll part and i won't be able to see him again.

 

you were very brave. you broke it off.

i still can't.

we're not really talking now,

i miss him so much.

[ExpatInItaly]

I dated a man very similar to your ex, OP. I know how it feels to be sucked into that cycle of madness and wonder why we can't seem to just walk away.

 

I finally did after one year of insanity. I found the integrity and self-respect that had slipped away, and finally said "enough."

 

What you need to understand is that this guy has problems that are unrelated to you. You are not the cause of this. My ex actually had an underlying mental health condition, which I tried to be compassionate about but it was just too much. He refused to seek treatment of any kind and I couldn't tolerate the emotional fall-out. It was ugly. I cannot claim your ex has a similar issue. But my point is that you cannot provoke a change in him. His problems are his to resolve, not yours to absorb.

 

Stay away from him permanently. Don't be his emotional whipping post. Don't contact him in 3 or 4 months or ever. Walking away from an emotionally and verbally abusive partner was probably one of the best things I have ever done. We aren't in contact at all anymore, but he did try to reach out after we had split. (before I knew how to block him on my phone!) I knew it would be more of the same. I have heard in passing through a mutual friend that he is getting married soon, but that the relationship is similarly filled with drama. All I can say is I am forever grateful it's not me. Someday you will be too.