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Pain, pain and more pain


Heatemyheart89

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Heatemyheart89

I was with my ex on and off for a year. I loved him but we had problems and did not see eye to eye a lot of the time . I tried hard to make it work but he could not give me what I needed..It has been 6/7 months since I was with him. We have met up in that time / texted etc. But he has now basically cut me off.He says he cares about me and that I should get counselling for my depression/low self esteem. Since I have realised it is really over , he doesn't want to see me /talk to me I have regressed massively. Before it was him who broke n/c. Now I know he won't I have been excessively stalking him on fb, started thinking of him again & I feel rejected. Like a delayed reaction. I am not coping well mentally at all, my friends have heard this rubbish over & over. I can't see an end to the pain, I can't see me meeting anyone else.

 

Anyone had this ?Any tips? Did therapy help ?I am thinking of deactivating /deleting fb while I get a grip of myself.

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Deactivate FB immediately. I am 6 months post break up as well. I blocked my ex before deactivating as well. I was on the other day for the first time in a while and saw a pic of her from a mutual friends wall. It brought back emotions that I didn't go through when deactivated. I refuse to go back on FB until i am healed and over her. It is so key to stay off off in order to recover and feel better. I was doing better 2 months ago then I am now. I believe for me its realizing that she isn't coming back and has no desire to speak to me. Just avoid social media and try and focus on yourself as there is nothing you can say right now to change things.

 

Good luck!!

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Therapy helped me a lot, and in too many ways to list.

 

I don't think your problems are with your ex.

 

I think your problems are with yourself.

 

 

Negative self-image.

 

Depression.

 

Low self-esteem.

 

Negative expectations re the future.

 

 

Address these in therapy, rather in a relationship with someone, and you'll be more able to enjoy life.

 

Life is meant to be enjoyed.

 

 

Take care.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Heatemyheart89

So on Saturday, I broke no contact and it was pathetic I said I missed him and that I kept thinking about him. He ignored me completely. I am finding it really hard because the relationship was on and off for a year and a hald. We have been split up for 6 months! I have set myself back by two weeks, I was really determined. Can someone tell me what gets them through no contact, I just broke ( before he has)!

 

 

It is like I can't accept that he doesn't want to speak to me, he has said he doesn't want to speak to me. I think it is harder when things are on and off. Also I think he is probably dating/ looking for someone but I am completely stuck. I feel like I won't meet anyone. I never get chatted up/ not talking to any guys, I meet someone about every three years. I know I will hear/ see he has met someone and I will just be as stuck as ever.

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Don't feel too bad, a lot of people have a relapse when they try NC. I did the same thing in the past and got the same result as you. (No reply)

 

Next time you're tempted to break NC, remind yourself of this moment and how it made you feel. At least you can tell yourself that you did everything possible. Now just start NC over again, and block/hide him on all social media.

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I broke NC numerous times on the first 3 months; each time I was ignored, I then regretted what I had said and ow I had said it, so of course had to send another e-mail letter to rectify the previous one - lather, rinse, repeat!

 

I've been three months 'clean' now and it's been to two things: 1) seeing that she has clearly moved on and forgotten about me; 2) reaching acceptance that it is is all over, that she wasn't as great a person as I wanted to believe and that she treated me appallingly.

 

You feel bad about breaking NC because it makes you feel/look weak and because you don't get that reply you crave. You may break it again, but the gaps between each lapse will increase and it's a sign that you're getting better. Just don't beat yourself up about it!

 

A good remedy is to post what you want to say to your ex here; that way it gets it off your chest without breaking the rule.

 

Just remember you're not alone in going through something like this, and you've nothing to feel bad or embarrassed about!

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Bear in mind that he isn't the man he was when you met.

 

He is now the man who left you.

 

 

Take care.

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Heatemyheart89
Bear in mind that he isn't the man he was when you met.

 

He is now the man who left you.

 

 

Take care.

 

 

Thank you Satu , you are right.

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I broke NC numerous times on the first 3 months; each time I was ignored, I then regretted what I had said and ow I had said it, so of course had to send another e-mail letter to rectify the previous one - lather, rinse, repeat!

 

I've been three months 'clean' now and it's been to two things: 1) seeing that she has clearly moved on and forgotten about me; 2) reaching acceptance that it is is all over, that she wasn't as great a person as I wanted to believe and that she treated me appallingly.

 

You feel bad about breaking NC because it makes you feel/look weak and because you don't get that reply you crave. You may break it again, but the gaps between each lapse will increase and it's a sign that you're getting better. Just don't beat yourself up about it!

 

A good remedy is to post what you want to say to your ex here; that way it gets it off your chest without breaking the rule.

 

Just remember you're not alone in going through something like this, and you've nothing to feel bad or embarrassed about!

 

Oh I can identify with this so much.

 

I haven't managed more than 24 hours yet. Firstly text, then via facebook (which I've now deleted my profile from, don't like it anyway!) and then today an email, when I felt the need to explain myself.

 

No fool like an old fool :/

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A clipping from my journal:

 

 

"Being attached to an ex that doesn't want to be with you, is like being attached to an old lottery ticket that didn't win you anything."

 

The task in hand is detaching from the ex.

 

It isn't easy, but sooner or later it has to be done.

 

It usually happens in stages that contain false starts and reversals.

 

 

Another clipping:

 

 

"People grieve for what they had and lost, but they also grieve for what they needed and wanted, but didn't get."

 

Its often both.

 

Grief is a noble thing, but it should not become a permanent, or settled state of being.

 

Do your grieving and move on as quickly and completely as you can.

 

 

Take care.

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Oh I can identify with this so much.

 

I haven't managed more than 24 hours yet. Firstly text, then via facebook (which I've now deleted my profile from, don't like it anyway!) and then today an email, when I felt the need to explain myself.

 

No fool like an old fool :/

Well, next time you get the urge, post your thoughts in the forum or send it to me instead if it helps! You have to get the words/thoughts out, so you don't want to deny yourself that catharsis. But as you know, sending them to your ex just makes you feel worse.

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Heatemyheart89

Does anyone have this problem? I have stopped looking on fb now, but I did see my ex liking girls pics( girls I know who like him). I keep thinking about him being with someone else and I have had dreams aswell about him. Any tips on how to deal with this? I know he is just moving on but it is hard.

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TaraMaiden2

I think of whom my ex is with now, and it just makes me laugh.

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I don't have to picture it. I live with the fact that my exgf has clearly moved on and happy with someone else.

 

Your best bet is to block your ex on all social media for your own sanity. Ignorance is bliss.

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Better to have an abstract image in your mind than something concrete. Trust me.

 

If I had a chance to do it again, I would've bailed out the moment my ex told me she was talking to someone. Instead, I lingered for a few weeks and found out way too much, which in these cases, is ANYTHING.

 

My inability to just go away and cut myself from any information led to me knowing the guy's name, his affluent situation, his appearance. All of it made it that much tougher to move on.

 

So while it's unpleasant to imagine them with someone else, it's infinitely more difficult when you can put a face and personal information to it.

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Thank you for this. I could have started this post! Yeah, I'm with you. It's the hardest thing for me because I can justify everything that was negative about the relationship, and what didn't work. But the intimacy? It still haunts me. What I have learned through sharing with friends and on LS is that there is nothing going on with this guy. He had a good thing with me, and a lot of benefits (including financial ... stupid me). I just try to convince myself that his next supply source will find out what he is all about sooner rather than later. Hang tough!

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I don't know why, but what hurts me more than anything is imagining my ex with his other ex, even though they weren't together for nearly as long as we were and they're not getting back together or anything. Maybe it's cuz she dumped him so when they broke up he still wanted her, whereas with us I know he didn't care when things ended cuz it was his decision.

 

So I can imagine it would be much worse if I had to picture him with a new girl. Just so your best to not check his profile, I know that makes the dreams a lot worse for me.

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Better to have an abstract image in your mind than something concrete. Trust me.

 

If I had a chance to do it again, I would've bailed out the moment my ex told me she was talking to someone. Instead, I lingered for a few weeks and found out way too much, which in these cases, is ANYTHING.

 

My inability to just go away and cut myself from any information led to me knowing the guy's name, his affluent situation, his appearance. All of it made it that much tougher to move on.

 

So while it's unpleasant to imagine them with someone else, it's infinitely more difficult when you can put a face and personal information to it.

 

I am in exact same position - a few weeks ago, before he decided 5 days ago that he really wanted to be with her, not me, he was showing me stuff on his facebook page (something he rarely ever did and something I was rarely ever interested in) and he wanted to check another friends page, and lo and behold there she was as a friend of this other guy. I knew her name and had seen photos on his phone previously. I just dumbly said oh is that '...' and he just said 'yeah'. I can't tell you what an absolute idiot I felt - and still do - for wanting him then and still wanting him now. It's been a bad few days. :sick:

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Heatemyheart89

How do you cope when your ex is moving on to someome better looking than you ? My friend acknowledged that my ex was definitely going for a certain type of girls

Me on the other hand, no one likes me , I like no one and I have gained weight. I really dislike the way Iook and feel he must be so much happier without me.

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You need to get into some RL counseling you have a self eastem issue that none of us here can fully help you with best thing you can do is to stop listing to things about your ex tell your mutual friends you don't want to know you cannot heal if you keep ripping open the wounds..

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You're projecting. Stop. If you don't like what you look like because you have been comfort over eating, stop. Take your free time & work out. You are sad & upset right now so you are in a bad place mentally. Everything looks worse when you are there. But until you like yourself again it will be very tough for others to like you.

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Do not focus on what your ex is doing or who he is dating. Right now, you have to focus on making yourself better and using that energy for you. Its your time to go above and beyond for YOU. Thinking about negative energy or a negative person is just wasteful. Is it hard to do? sure. You just have to try.

 

If you really believe you have gained a lot of weight and its bothering you, than workout. Not only will doing aerobics and working out make your body look better and boost self confidence, but its natures natural anti depressant.

 

some places in europe use aerobics for treating depression and other issues. It rewires your brain and actually helps the hormones in your body conduct better.

 

so not only will you be making yourself look better, but it will help you with the break up by producing the good hormones in your body making you feel great.

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How do you cope when your ex is moving on to someome better looking than you ? My friend acknowledged that my ex was definitely going for a certain type of girls

Me on the other hand, no one likes me , I like no one and I have gained weight. I really dislike the way Iook and feel he must be so much happier without me.

 

If you think it sucks when they move on to someone better looking, wait until one moves on to some who is worse looking and/or a crappy person to boot and see how that feels. That has happened to me more than once. It always just leaves me with my head exploding and it always ends in disaster for them, which is the one consolation:), though that can take some time. One actually ended up in prison. One dumped him right in front of him by fawning over a guy in a band. One went into the back room with a band right in front of him (I was at all this music stuff and saw it all). One ended up lighting one guy's room on fire, starting with a valentine from me he'd kept on his wall.

 

My dear, the moral of this story is some men (and women) have very bad taste. But at least if they're going for someone who looks better, you can just say, Well, he cares a lot about looks, and that's not a very deep-seated thing and speaks only to his sex drive.

 

There is always going to be someone better looking out there. It's not what you look like but what you do with it, the standards you set, etc. You can't give someone the power to make you feel bad about yourself. You just remember every day the wonderful things about yourself and know that one day someone will see that in you.

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Then improve yourself and get ready for someone with better personality, styles and intelligence. If you think he has upgraded, you should too.

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