Totally stagnant, no progress

[Raina314]

I was with my ex for a year and then he dumped me after taking a break for 2 months.

We never fought, he told me he'd never had a bad time with me or been turned off by me and thought I was attractive, fun, smart, engaging, etc... I know it's not another woman because his friend group is very insulated and they're all guys. I was crazy about him, but when he ended it he just said the spark was gone and he wasn't emotionally mature enough for a serious relationship, but he still wanted to be friends and didn't want me to stop hanging out with the group etc...

I've been doing NC for over a month now, but I still keep falling backwards. I have some good days, but this whole weekend I've been a wreck and it happens at least once a week that I feel almost as bad as I did the day he dumped me and the thought of dating again seems so daunting now that I'm not in college anymore and don't meet anyone new at work. I can't stop thinking about him and wishing he'd come back and it's driving me crazy.

I almost think it would've been easier if he'd cheated on me or been a jerk or something, that way I'd at least be secure in the knowledge that I was better off without him. But the way things ended, I can't even find it in me to be angry with him. I just find myself wanting to cry half the time and I'd do anything for it to stop

Even though I know I have a good life every day feels like a drag.

[mammasita]

When will you get over it? In time.

 

Find things to occupy your time. Find a project, pick up a new hobby, join a club, read a new book, travel to a new place (if you can), learn how to cook a new dish, exercise.....

 

We've all been through it. I've been through it.

 

This is a good site with lots of good reading Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

[Raina314]

Yeah, I'm doing all that. I'm exercising regularly, took up tennis, read a ton of books, and started cooking more, but I still find myself wanting the same thing. It's like I can't get away from it.

 

But thanks. I'll definitely take a look at that site.

[BeFierce]

At least he cared enough about you to admit to you that he was emotionally immature to be in a relationship with you. Thumbs up for that. Just focus on yourself now.

[Raina314]

Yeah, I do appreciate that from him, but the pain is still awful. This breakup has entirely taken over my life and I just wish I could feel normal again :/

[Emaize3]

Raina314, I just want you to know that I'm right there with you as we speak. He was never horrible to me either until the breakup which makes it hard to accept. Like you, I've tried doing new things, getting out, talking to friends, joined a gym. It does help but I'm consumed with the loss and just when I think I'm ok, I go backwards. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone and I feel your pain. Hugs

[Raina314]

Raina314, I just want you to know that I'm right there with you as we speak. He was never horrible to me either until the breakup which makes it hard to accept. Like you, I've tried doing new things, getting out, talking to friends, joined a gym. It does help but I'm consumed with the loss and just when I think I'm ok, I go backwards. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone and I feel your pain. Hugs

 

Thanks. I'm really sorry to hear you're going through the same thing since I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but it does help to know I'm not alone. How long has it been for you? Do you mind me asking what happened?

[Emaize3]

Thank you. I don't mind. I have a post from yesterday that's called "To the male dumpers.. Need advice" and if you read my response about 4 posts down, it gives a very short version. This break up has been 3 weeks to the day. I've done NC but I know I'll break it after time, regardless of what anybody says because that's what I need to do. We never talked and I have to talk for MY closure. I've been down this road before and I know what I need. Once I do that, I can move on. I'm sure other readers are cringing. Lol. I am also sorry for your loss. I know it feels like you've lost a limb.

[Raina314]

I don't blame you at all for wanting closure. I guess I was lucky in that my ex let me ask any questions I had and explicitly told me he wanted to give me as much closure as possible. I still don't know whether that small bit of kindness has made it easier or harder for me to move on, but I do think closure is necessary. Before, when he put us "on break" for two months I didn't have any explanation and while I'm often a mess now, it was admittedly worse before I'd gotten to talk to him and ask the questions I wanted to ask.

So I hope getting closure from your guy helps you move on too.

[Emaize3]

You're lucky that he gave you an opportunity to talk and ask questions. Understandably, it still does not take the pain away no matter how it happened. I'm just left with lots of questions.

[Raina314]

Well, at least it's week 3, so that means only 1/1.5 more until you can contact him and hopefully figure some things out :/. While talking to him won't fix everything, I do hope he gives you the explanation you deserve so that you can start healing more fully.

[Emaize3]

Yes. Thank you! It will hurt but I need him to explain- so I'm out of the dark.

[Emaize3]

And I hope you start feeling better soon.

[mlcj69]

Your comment on my post is basically what you should tell yourself. Sometimes no matter how much you "should" be together, it doesn't work all the time.

 

In my opinion you always need the passion to be together. Even after 30 years. Dedication comes when times are rough.

 

There are probably a lot of questions going through your head. You can ask all you want but it will probably never answer "why?". Some things go unanswered in breakups.

 

Being friends is a lot to ask for after a break up. I couldn't handle it emotionally. And it's probably not good for any future relationships for the both of you. Will just prolong healing. Give each other space and time, but don't expect anything. Maybe something might happen years from now when you two are on the same level.

Edited February 16, 2016 by mlcj69

[Raina314]

And I hope you start feeling better soon.

 

Thank you <3. Do keep us posted on how that conversation goes.

 

Your comment on my post is basically what you should tell yourself. Sometimes no matter how much you "should" be together, it doesn't work all the time.

 

In my opinion you always need the passion to be together. Even after 30 years. Dedication comes when times are rough.

 

There are probably a lot of questions going through your head. You can ask all you want but it will probably never answer "why?". Some things go unanswered in breakups.

 

Being friends is a lot to ask for after a break up. I couldn't handle it emotionally. And it's probably not good for any future relationships for the both of you. Will just prolong healing. Give each other space and time, but don't expect anything. Maybe something might happen years from now when you two are on the same level.

 

I guess for me it depends on how you define passion. I don't expect to have butterflies thirty years down the road. I do however, expect to feel content companionship and unshakeable loyalty. So perhaps you can label that as a form as passion as well, but in terms of that crazy in love feeling, I don't expect that to last forever.

But yes, some things do go unanswered. Some things he can't even explain himself, so you're right.

 

Being friends can be a lot to ask for, yes, but I've managed it with my other exes and I consider them some of my closest friends. It did take a while to heal, but it was worth it. That said, you are right that space and time are needed so right now I'm not speaking to him and vice versa.

[The Poster]

It sounds so cliche, but it's 100% true. It just takes time. I remember the days in the aftermath of my breakups where some days were ok and others were filled with anguish so bad I couldn't even function. Even when I was doing well in other aspects of my life, I still felt that gaping hole that made everything else meaningless, no matter how positive.

 

Eventually, the bad days start to fade and the good days become more frequent. You seem like you are doing the best you possibly can. That's good! Just keep moving. Keep looking for new paths. New things to jump into. New challenges to take on.

 

If you keep on moving ahead, you'll be feeling better soon. I promise.

[Bewildering]

 

Being friends can be a lot to ask for, yes, but I've managed it with my other exes and I consider them some of my closest friends. It did take a while to heal, but it was worth it. That said, you are right that space and time are needed so right now I'm not speaking to him and vice versa.

 

How did you and your ex reach out so that you could become close friends?

[Raina314]

It sounds so cliche, but it's 100% true. It just takes time. I remember the days in the aftermath of my breakups where some days were ok and others were filled with anguish so bad I couldn't even function. Even when I was doing well in other aspects of my life, I still felt that gaping hole that made everything else meaningless, no matter how positive.

 

Eventually, the bad days start to fade and the good days become more frequent. You seem like you are doing the best you possibly can. That's good! Just keep moving. Keep looking for new paths. New things to jump into. New challenges to take on.

 

If you keep on moving ahead, you'll be feeling better soon. I promise.

 

That's exactly how I'd describe it, yeah. I'm doing pretty well in every other part of my life, but this totally dominates and even though I've always had healthy self-esteem and taken good care of myself, this totally crushed it :/. The worst part about good days v bad days is that on good days, I still feel confident that another bad day is just around the corner whereas on a bad day I feel like I'll never have another good day again :/. How long did it take for you to recover?

 

How did you and your ex reach out so that you could become close friends?

 

Well, with my first ex, we broke every rule in the book and never did NC lol, so we never stopped talking. We dated in HS and he was my best friend as well as my boyfriend. We didn't break up because we disliked each other, I ended it because he wasn't growing up and his family wanted him to be with someone of his own ethnicity (he's Filipino and I'm white) and that was always a source of conflict. Afterwards I was really, really sad and he was kinda stoic and distant for a while, but we still talked regularly and eventually we just developed feelings for other people but moved on from each other. But we're still very close friends and talk a lot.

 

The other one I only dated for four months and it was a really stupid thing to begin with and I was pretty pissed off when I broke up with him because of the way it had been going, but he still wanted me as a friend so we kept in touch and we have the same group of friends so we see each other fairly often and it's fine.

 

The first ex was also part of that "group of friends" so I guess having those ties helps because it sorta forces you to be amicable.

 

What I'm worried about with this break up is that it's the first time I've been the dumpee, and my ex is generally not very communicative so even if he says he wants to be friends, it's not likely he'll put actual effort into that.

[kztar]

I feel your pain. Im basically going through this same exact situation. My ex boyfriend dumped me after 1.5 years telling me that he was no longer in love with me. That he didn't really know what a real relationship was and that he was not ready. He said he was sorry and that he still loved me and cared for me but no longer in love. I totally agree, those butterflies will not last forever, but a relationship is not all about the butterflies after it becomes real. People who are immature will not understand this because they think that being in love is all about feeling that good feeling like at the beginning of the relationship. Anyways hugs and more hugs. You are not alone. Stay no contact and you will make progress.

[The Poster]

That's exactly how I'd describe it, yeah. I'm doing pretty well in every other part of my life, but this totally dominates and even though I've always had healthy self-esteem and taken good care of myself, this totally crushed it :/. The worst part about good days v bad days is that on good days, I still feel confident that another bad day is just around the corner whereas on a bad day I feel like I'll never have another good day again :/. How long did it take for you to recover?

 

 

 

Well, with my first ex, we broke every rule in the book and never did NC lol, so we never stopped talking. We dated in HS and he was my best friend as well as my boyfriend. We didn't break up because we disliked each other, I ended it because he wasn't growing up and his family wanted him to be with someone of his own ethnicity (he's Filipino and I'm white) and that was always a source of conflict. Afterwards I was really, really sad and he was kinda stoic and distant for a while, but we still talked regularly and eventually we just developed feelings for other people but moved on from each other. But we're still very close friends and talk a lot.

 

The other one I only dated for four months and it was a really stupid thing to begin with and I was pretty pissed off when I broke up with him because of the way it had been going, but he still wanted me as a friend so we kept in touch and we have the same group of friends so we see each other fairly often and it's fine.

 

The first ex was also part of that "group of friends" so I guess having those ties helps because it sorta forces you to be amicable.

 

What I'm worried about with this break up is that it's the first time I've been the dumpee, and my ex is generally not very communicative so even if he says he wants to be friends, it's not likely he'll put actual effort into that.

 

 

My last relationship wasn't very long, but I still fell madly in love. The first 3 months were absolute hell. Then the fog lifted and I felt much better. Still had days of sadness, but no more anguish or bitterness.

 

My first breakup I was with the girl for two years, and it probably took me about 6 months to truly feel ok about it.

 

Everyone is different though. Some heal faster than others. The best way to speed up the process is by improving yourself and staying away from any and all contact with your ex, including checking his social media. That to me was always the hardest part. I could easily avoid texting or calling, but I hard a hard time staying off their social media pages. Eventually I pulled myself together and it was all forward momentum from there.

[Raina314]

Yeah, 6 months is about how long it took me when I was the dumper. I've so far managed to avoid looking at his social media which is good, but I know there will come a point where I have to see him again because we have so many mutual friends and I don't want to cut all those ties. So I think that's kinda added pressure that makes it a little harder.

[Raina314]

I feel like I've hit a plateau and I've been there for almost three months. I have good days where I feel like I'm turning a corner, but they never last longer than a few days and then I'm back to crying myself to sleep. I've tried really hard to imagine myself being able to theoretically love another guy again, but I can never get more than the faintest trace of that concept through to my head before it gravitates back towards my ex, no matter how hard I try.

 

I feel so discouraged and hopeless that I'm not making any progress. Every time I think I have it turns out to just be a false glimmer. They say that your first good days will still be outnumbered by your bad days and gradually they'll start to be more and more, but that's just not happening. The good day v. bad day ratio is still stuck around 1:4 and while that's improvement over the first month post breakup, it's been completely stagnant ever since. I still feel head over heels for him and whenever I think about our time together my heart just shatters and I want to cry. I'm losing faith in myself in a way that I never did before this breakup and I don't know what else I can do.

 

I have this terrible feeling of despair that this is it - I really won't be able to love anyone else and I'll just feel this way indefinitely. The only hope I have is that when I imagine myself years from now, I do see myself better and able to love other people. But I can't see a path to get there. I'm just so heartbroken and so stuck. Every time something good happens all I can think of is how much better it would be if he were with me and none of the little bits of happiness I find now can compare to what I felt when we were together. I'm so tired of fighting.

Edited March 20, 2016 by Raina314

[Raina314]

I hate this so much. Almost all week I was feeling great, some days I'd go as far as to say "inspired" but today I'm crying again. I keep remembering how happy I was whenever I saw his face. I can imagine myself eventually loving another guy now, but I know it's not smart to date if I'm still crying over my ex. This morning I decided to go to yard sales to try and find furniture for my new place, but on my way I realized that I was all alone and I just got really depressed and went straight back home and cried instead :/. My moods have never been this unpredictable, not even while I was in puberty. I don't know what to do.

[Zahara]

It took me about 6 months to feel some sense of emotional stability, and even then I'd fall into sporadic breakdowns here and there and about a little over a year to feel some level of indifference towards him.

 

There is no easy and quick fix to this. As others mentioned -- time. Like a wound that needs to heal -- it heals with time.

 

Healing comes with waves of emotions, one day good, one day bad, one week great, one week bad, one day determined, one day weak -- up and down. You're going to process these emotions over and over and as time goes by, the bad will slowly start to become few and far between.

 

You're not stagnating but just going through the process of grieving and healing. I've been where you are -- you just need to keep going one step at a time, one day at a time. The only way past is through.

[Rachel39]

I honestly know how you feel I'm 4 months in only picked up my things last week have been hoping focus to try again but he doesn't want to be with me.

 

I have been not good the whole time.... Today I was out with friends had a lovely meal and then walked the dogs around the park i was so quiet the way round people asking if I was ok.

 

I wasn't I just wanted to cry and in the end I did.... I had to leave the park as I started to cry when they asked if I was ok and sit in the car... I feel so empty inside and I don't like it.

 

Just like that he's gone my life planned with him

 

I'm nearly 40 I feel so embarrassed maybe I shouldn't be going anywhere if I'm like this