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How did you develop coping strategies that worked?


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It's been 7 months after my break up and I'm not coping at all. It makes me feel so pathetic. I've always had trouble moving on but it seems much worse this time. I spend all my time thinking about him and it physically hurts.

 

I've tried all the normal things. Keep busy, see friends and family, get a new haircut, go to the gym, date. I'm selling my house so it's not like I'm moping around all the time. Nothing seems to help.

 

It's made so much worse that we work together. I know workplace romances are a bad idea. I took a risk and it didn't pay off. I can't regret it though, because it could have and love has risk attached to it. I also can't leave my job. I enjoy it and it gives me great opportunities for my career. But hearing from everyone how great we were together hurts.

 

He broke up with me and I was shocked. He said we aren't compatible. It turns out he thinks he's not good enough for me. It's not true. He just doesn't see himself the way everyone else does. He's really insecure. To me, he's making both our lives miserable because of something that isn't true.

 

I need to get over it. I need to not feel this way anymore. I need to stop contacting him, for hoping he can make it better if only for 10 minutes. So how do you do it?

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I need to stop contacting him, for hoping *he can make it better if only for 10 minutes. So how do you do it?

 

*Ask yourself what you really need, after first accepting that he isn't it.

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TunaInTheBrine

My advice is to start searching for a new job. Based on what you posted, I can't envision you getting over this anytime soon. Even if you enjoy your position, you are obviously not happy in your current situation. Why prolong it?

 

I'm not entirely certain, but I get the impression from some of what you said that you are still holding out hope. If this is the case, you have to come to terms with the reality that it is over forever and that if he really wanted to be with you then you two would be together. No making excuses for him and how his decision is irrational. Yes, it sucks really bad, and it's okay to acknowledge how awful you feel. I don't think you will move on though until you have left this job and also accepted that he is not the guy for you.

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My advice is to start searching for a new job. Based on what you posted, I can't envision you getting over this anytime soon. Even if you enjoy your position, you are obviously not happy in your current situation. Why prolong it?

 

I'm not entirely certain, but I get the impression from some of what you said that you are still holding out hope. If this is the case, you have to come to terms with the reality that it is over forever and that if he really wanted to be with you then you two would be together. No making excuses for him and how his decision is irrational. Yes, it sucks really bad, and it's okay to acknowledge how awful you feel. I don't think you will move on though until you have left this job and also accepted that he is not the guy for you.

 

All makes sense. If I was on the outside looking in, it's exactly what I would advise. Logically I mo there is no hope. And I keep telling myself if he wanted to be with me, he would be. I know it's true. My mind just seems incapable of accepting it when the logical part isn't in charge.

 

On the job front, that's a lot more tricky. There are very few opportunities for what I do. I have been looking for other things though. Thing is, I left once before and ended going back after 5 months because the other job was awful and not what I wanted at all. It makes me very reluctant to move on again.

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TunaInTheBrine
All makes sense. If I was on the outside looking in, it's exactly what I would advise. Logically I mo there is no hope. And I keep telling myself if he wanted to be with me, he would be. I know it's true. My mind just seems incapable of accepting it when the logical part isn't in charge.

 

On the job front, that's a lot more tricky. There are very few opportunities for what I do. I have been looking for other things though. Thing is, I left once before and ended going back after 5 months because the other job was awful and not what I wanted at all. It makes me very reluctant to move on again.

 

Yeah, knowing and feeling are two different things. We can logically know that there is no hope of reconciliation, but the brain only remembers the positive aspects of the relationship and feels that's what it needs to diminish the present pain. This is the same reason that many drug addicts relapse. When pain overwhelms self experience, people get desperate.

 

Even though you may find it undesirable to seek another job, and it doesn't sound like you're going to do so (at least not anytime soon), my hunch is that you're in for a very slow and agonizing process of heartache. You may be reluctant to move on, but the sooner you do the sooner you will facilitate the healing process that you will go through. I had a few workplace romances when I was younger, and I'll never do it again. Not even a fling. Never dip your pen in the company ink. It's not worth it.

Edited by TunaInTheBrine
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My only coping strategy was no contact, my only downfall is that she pops up every now and then either to me or my family with some bs reason to talk, it always leaves me feeling crappy for a good day or so, sometimes longer but you push on with no contact and gradually it gets easier, my main strategy was forgiveness, because if I couldn't forgive, I would sit and dwell on quite a lot, I don't hate my ex, she did some really messed up things, but I've chose to look the other way and just get on with it, her loss is someone betters gain ^^

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