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Drinks with the ex last night - feel terrible.


lillian39530

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lillian39530

This post is a little long. But I need you guys to understand the complete situation.

 

My boyfriend of 7 months dumped me on January 1st, this year. We had known each other for three years (he's a friend of a friend), but he was married at this time, so nothing had happened before, although I always had a huge and secret crush on him.

 

So he has been single since January 2015 and he asked me out in May 2015, and everything has been perfect since then. He would think of fantastic ideas for dates, he would ask me to be exclusive, he told me he loved me three months after we started dating, he was enchanted to meet my friends, he talked about us moving together, he talked about our future kids, talked about trips we could take together, he always said he was so lucky to have found me, that I was making him so happy, he even said he wished we would be together for the rest of our lives, etc.

 

No need to say that I was so so so happy. This guy meant everything for me. We shared the same interests, we had the same tastes for everything, we had the same kind of personality (low-profile and intellectual), we both have demanding jobs (he's a medical resident and I'm a litigation lawyer) so we understood each other on that level and when we wouldn't see each other for few days because of our busy schedules, he always texted me that he misses me and that he loved me and couldn't wait to see me. From August to mid-october he temporarily moved to a city 5 hours from our town, for work. We would talk every day, he would come back every two weeks (he has a car, I don't), we met for a lovely long week-end in a city in-between, and I visited him once.

 

In mid-November, he started an internship that would last for two month, where he was asked to work approx. 12 to 14 hours a day, plus many night shifts. I knew he had a history of anxiety disorder / and episodes of depressions, but everything was under control until then. He told me honestly that he started to feel that he was entering an episode of depression, but not to worry if he was a little bit more distant, for it had nothing to do with me. I was reassured when he asked me to meet his parents at the end of November, and told me that he was happy to have reach that step with me. The day I met his parents, he had a weird episode of anxiety later that night, where he cried and said that he wanted me so badly to love him. I reassured him and to prove him my commitment, I asked him to meet my parents as well. That day was the last time he told me he loved me.

 

A week after this, (first week of December) he told me that he wasn't sure he was still in love with me, that he saw everything dark. I asked him if he wanted to take a break, and he said that no, it would kill him to see me dating other guys, that he still wanted me to belong to him, and that he wanted to see me more often. It came as such a shock, the discussion lasted for hour, finishing with both of us crying like babies on the floor of the kitchen and him taking his first pill of antidepressant (from a previous prescription). I told him I didn't know what I wanted and I left his place in the middle of the night. We met the next afternoon, where I told him that I wanted to give our couple a chance, and that I had hope that all his mixed feelings where due to his depression, and that I was ready to be there for him until he would feel the effect of the medication. He told me he was very reassured and agreed, and that he would do everything to save our couple, but that he could not promise me anything for the future. Few days later he met his family doctor, who diagnosed him with a major depression.

 

All December I was walking on eggshells. Even though he said it was better if he didn't come in my family, nor at my friend's or my firm's Christmas parties to "minimize the damages", I was hopeful everything would work out, because we would see each other more often then ever (on his request), he would be really more cuddly, the sex was amazing and we had nice discussions as always. He even bought me a gift for Christmas, and on December 26th, he asked me if I was interested in seeing a concert with him in February. Since we both had off from December 29th to January 3rd, we planned many activities and I was finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

So on January 1st, when he came to my place and told me that he really didn't love me anymore, and wanted to split, I was blown away. He said that his medication was now effective, and that he had fallen out of love not because of depression. He said he couldn't see a future with me, that he was very much sorry, that he had mean everything and had never been dishonest, but now he had changed. He said I had done nothing wrong, he didn't know where that was coming from, that he hadn't met anyone, that I was perfect for him but He. Just. Was. Not. In. Love. Anymore. He said he didn't mind picturing me with other guys and that he just hope I would be happy. He asked me to still be his friend (but to "kill" the boyfriend in him), and he even mentioned that we could still have sex if I wanted to. He told me, I think out of pity, that maybe we could reconsider in one month. I told him that was not an option. All that conversation was done in calm. He wanted to leave my apartment right after, but I kept him for one hour, where we would cuddle and saying to each other how we would miss us.

 

Since then, I'm miserable. I miss him so much. I miss his soul, his body, his presence, his voice, his touch. I cannot face the fact that my perfect relationship is gone and that I will more than likely never see him again in this life, that one who I thought was the love of my life. I'm 27 and he was my first real boyfriend. I hated my single life before and I am in despair that I'm back there, again, after so many years of searching the one.

 

I haven't barely eaten since the break-up. I cannot concentrate at work. My sleep is disturbed and I have panic attacks. I hide my tears when in public places, and fall apart in private. The only thing that is keeping me sane is that I have that slight hope that he is in fact NOT out of his depression yet, and that he will come to his senses in about a month, since I read the medication could take that long to be fully effective. I have every intention of texting him in a month to see how he's doing and I have the stupid hopes that he will have miss me, that his medication will be more effective and will want to get back together although nothing in his speech gave me hope.

 

I would like to seek help if anyone know about the length of time it takes for anti-depressants to be effective. If you anyone could tell me if depression can really make you fall out of love and if, reading my story, such thing could be reversible? Also seeking generals impression on my situation.

 

Thank you for your help in advance,

 

Lillian xx

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Sorry to hear what you are going through. It is very painful.

You are going through a loss right now. The relationship, and everything you believed it was and he was...is not true anymore. It's difficult. Allow yourself to feel sad. You need to go through the emotions.

 

I have had a guy go through depression and say he fell out of love with me as well. He turned in every other direction except towards me, and it was so frustrating. I wanted to be there for him but he was not receptive to it. He found a new woman to turn to. Mostly he was trying to fill a void that could not be filled. You can not force his will. You can not fill the void. No one can, and he needs to get his mind healthy again to realize that.

 

 

Tell him to go get himself healthy and maybe one day you can reconnect. But for now it is not healthy for either of you to be in the relationship. Grieve the pain of loss, and move your life in new positive directions. I believe that true love finds you in the end.

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lillian39530

Thank you for your message. Your story does put me in despair even more, but I assume you are ok now, which makes me optimistic. I will try to reach him in one month, even if it's just to make proper goodbyes. I cannot never see him again. Meanwhile I'm entering therapy and I hope it will help me.

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lillian39530

My boyfriend dumped me two months ago, leaving me completely terribly horribly devastated, as I thought he was The One. I'm 27 and he's 28. We were N/C until last week, when I texted him to see if he wanted to grab a drink. Our apartments are very near, and I was always worried to bump into him at the grocery store, in the street, etc. And we share a mutual best friend. So I wanted to initiate the first contact, instead of randomly bump into him and have an awkward moment.

 

I admit that I still had the hope that he would have "realized", but my healing process was doing good. After a month in the dark, I had restart to eat and had good times with friends, and got happy for small things. I'm still struggling with an eating disorder developed after the break up, but I think I was doing ok. I have start therapy (as I always pictured myself as the "strong and independent woman", I'm still flabbergasted that a MAN rushed me into therapy). My psychotherapist agreed for the post-break up date, which was last night. So everything went ok, we catch up, I told him why I wanted to see him and we had a good time. He walked me home, and I invited him upstairs, and he said no, for he has had TWO DATES with a girl and felt he was cheating on her. All my courage, all my hopes, all my joy, all my strength = everything vanished at that precise moment, I felt like I was being stabbed. He finally agreed to go upstairs, we slept together, and he wanted to leave right after, because he said he was starting to get "confuse", and that he thought about the girl he was about to have a third date with, and felt bad. He told me he wanted to stay but didn't want me to think that we could get back together (again, the horrible stabbing feeling) . I then turned into that needy teary-eyed girl and begged him to stay, as I knew if he would have left, I would have spent the night crying, make a panic attack and hope to die. He agreed, we slept together again and spooned. I cried and we talked about our relationship.

 

This morning he woke up and left my life forever. I'm a complete mess. It's like I'm returning to day 1. It's like I lost all of the healing I've done. I'm thinking about this other girl he's seeing and I'm completely broken. I'm thinking about the precise words : "we are never getting back together, you know that?" and I want to die. I'm afraid that I was functional because I had the hope he would come back. Now that every hope is dead, I don't see any way I can recover. Can someone tell me if you think I'm normal? How much time again do I have to wait until I feel ok again? It's his birthday on Saturday and I'm planing on texting him : "Happy birthday, I'm glad we got to talk and that you're doing good. I hope we can still be friends". = I know it's insane to do this but I feel this urge!!! So lost. So sad. Thanks in advance xx

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Sorry you're feeling like this but this guy is not doing you any good. He gave you false hopes. Why did he want to have a drink with you ? Why did you go with him?. Whenever you break up with someone you should tell them to please leave you alone and not to contact you unless they ever think of reconciliation. If you never hear from them again well there goes your answer. You need to not text him for his birthday It's just another day. Block and go NC forever.

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Of course you are normal. You are also vulnerable, but a bit misguided. You should not have reached out to him; you in essence shot yourself in the foot. Don't do that again.

 

You are back at almost square one of your healing process but at least this time you are realistic: you know he's not coming back & you have stopped holding out hope.

 

Fall back on the coping mechanisms you used over the last two months & you should get through this. Take time to delete him & block him so you can't be tempted to get in touch again.

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Don't text him happy birthday, even though it'll kill you inside for now. You don't need anyone to tell you sleeping with him was a mistake, but now you know not to do it again. I (and many of us) have found our way back to square 1 several times in the recovery process and though it's the worst place to be, it doesn't mean you're not normal or can't come out of it. Just do the same things you did before that helped you get to where you were before this incident.

Stay strong.

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SunnyWeather
My psychotherapist agreed for the post-break up date,

 

 

I don't understand what you are implying or saying here. please clarify.

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lillian39530

Thank you for you replies guys. I know you are right and it is comforting to know others have been through similar situations and are ok now.

 

It's crazy, when I was with him, I would think (without knowing what was coming) : "if ever he breaks up with me, I will go crazy, I love him too much and this is too precious". And he did break up with me. And I don't know how I managed to go through the last two months, but I did. And last week I thought : "If ever he tells me straight to the face that he is seeing someone else I'll go crazy because of the pain". And here I am, again with my worst fears now being real. Still alive.

 

@sunshine weather: I discussed with my therapist the fact that I needed closure. She thought I was strong enough to face the reactivation of the grief following an encounter with my ex, and thought I would move more easily if I had no more hope in my (poor) heart.

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SunnyWeather

 

@sunshine weather: I discussed with my therapist the fact that I needed closure. She thought I was strong enough to face the reactivation of the grief following an encounter with my ex, and thought I would move more easily if I had no more hope in my (poor) heart.

 

 

hmmm, interesting approach. I'm wondering if she let YOU come to that conclusion. I'm also wondering if she knew alcohol would be included (you did say 'drink' so I"m assuming you went to a bar, yes?)

 

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I hope you can get some support with friends and family to help you during this difficult time. The one phrase that got me through my divorce was: this too shall pass.

 

I don't know if that helps you, but it's something to consider when you are in your darkest moments. The universe is asking for you to discover something new about yourself, to find a strength you didn't know you possessed. Use this time to cultivate your unique gifts and to get to know who you are, which includes being fearlessly honest with yourself about what your motivations and desires are.

 

{{{{hugs}}}}

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@sunshine weather: I discussed with my therapist the fact that I needed closure. She thought I was strong enough to face the reactivation of the grief following an encounter with my ex, and thought I would move more easily if I had no more hope in my (poor) heart.

 

I think you will progress with your healing now that you have been forced to let go of hope. That said, please recognize that closure comes from within, not the person who broke your heart.

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lillian39530

Thank you for your kind message Sunshine. What you write reminds me of that quote I read: "Damaged people are the worst, they know they can survive".

 

You are so right about alcohol. I was nervous so I took two glasses of wine previous to our encounter. And then two beers at the bar. I was quite tipsy, probably what made me clingy and pushed me to beg, BEG! for him to stay. But tipsy or not, that was really what I felt.

 

What you say, about dark moments, is filled with positivism, so yes, a little helpful. But to be honest, I've been through many dark moments before, (i.e huge car crash, death of a dear friend, mother diagnosed with incurable cancer and all what implies taking care of someone sick, violently and randomly attacked by a psychopath on the street, psychological harassment going on for three years at my job now, along with a decade of unsuccessful dates). I thought I had discover myself enough, I thought I had learn enough life lessons with those quite traumatic experiences. I'm very tired.

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SunnyWeather
Thank you for your kind message Sunshine. What you write reminds me of that quote I read: "Damaged people are the worst, they know they can survive".

 

You are so right about alcohol. I was nervous so I took two glasses of wine previous to our encounter. And then two beers at the bar. I was quite tipsy, probably what made me clingy and pushed me to beg, BEG! for him to stay. But tipsy or not, that was really what I felt.

 

What you say, about dark moments, is filled with positivism, so yes, a little helpful. But to be honest, I've been through many dark moments before, (i.e huge car crash, death of a dear friend, mother diagnosed with incurable cancer and all what implies taking care of someone sick, violently and randomly attacked by a psychopath on the street, psychological harassment going on for three years at my job now, along with a decade of unsuccessful dates). I thought I had discover myself enough, I thought I had learn enough life lessons with those quite traumatic experiences. I'm very tired.

 

oh wow, that is so much to take on, I'm so sorry. It makes sense that you would attach so intensely. Have you considered EMDR or energy-type therapies? You've suffered quite a lot of trauma, it's good you are seeing a therapist, but I'm wondering what you are doing to sustain/uplift your spirit?

 

I hope you can find something that brings you joy, something that can that ignite the passion in you again (not romantic passion, but a strong love of something you do). Perhaps when you come out of this you will be a source of strength for others.

 

Sending you rays of sunshine

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Now that every hope is dead, I don't see any way I can recover. Can someone tell me if you think I'm normal? How much time again do I have to wait until I feel ok again? It's his birthday on Saturday and I'm planing on texting him : "Happy birthday, I'm glad we got to talk and that you're doing good. I hope we can still be friends". = I know it's insane to do this but I feel this urge!!! So lost. So sad. Thanks in advance xx

 

With every hope dead, it is now time to recover and you will. Everything you feel is normal, even going back for another round of rejection because we've all done it. And sometimes you need that nail in the coffin to finally let go and move on. There is no timeline as to when you will feel okay again but your first step is to cold turkey NC.

 

Please do not send him a birthday message. You're doing this to remind him of your existence and to show him that you still are thinking of him and that you care. And you are right, it is an urge. You need to let it pass and it will. He's going to be spending his day with another woman, and you need to let that fuel you into ignoring him and focusing all your efforts on moving on.

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lillian39530
oh wow, that is so much to take on, I'm so sorry. It makes sense that you would attach so intensely. Have you considered EMDR or energy-type therapies? You've suffered quite a lot of trauma, it's good you are seeing a therapist, but I'm wondering what you are doing to sustain/uplift your spirit?

 

I hope you can find something that brings you joy, something that can that ignite the passion in you again (not romantic passion, but a strong love of something you do). Perhaps when you come out of this you will be a source of strength for others.

 

Sending you rays of sunshine

 

I'll look up for EMDR, thank you! I have done everything I could to heal, yet again. I cut my hair, changed my phone, changed the disposition of my furniture, changed my glasses, changed some of my decoration, even tried crystal healing.

 

Fortunately I have a very good circle of friends, some of them singles, which is a great source of comfort, all of them supportive and loving. Spending time with them is my main comfort. And I have a very demanding job (I'm a litigation lawyer) so again, burying myself into work is quite helpful. Weirdly, the one thing I find that is helping me is decluttering. So far, I got rid of about 8 to 10 bags of clothes/objects/papers. This is the only thing I can say that is really helping me. Many people around me are getting engaged/having babies / buying houses. It's sometimes difficult to be surrounded by a happiness that doesn't belong at all to me. It's like getting rid of stuff is proving me I'm not completely belonging to the past.

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lillian39530
With every hope dead, it is now time to recover and you will. Everything you feel is normal, even going back for another round of rejection because we've all done it. And sometimes you need that nail in the coffin to finally let go and move on. There is no timeline as to when you will feel okay again but your first step is to cold turkey NC.

 

Please do not send him a birthday message. You're doing this to remind him of your existence and to show him that you still are thinking of him and that you care. And you are right, it is an urge. You need to let it pass and it will. He's going to be spending his day with another woman, and you need to let that fuel you into ignoring him and focusing all your efforts on moving on.

 

Thank you for your kind words Zahara. Thank you for being optimistic about my healing, and for understanding why I contacted him in the first place. It is exactly like you describe it.

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lillian39530
I think you will progress with your healing now that you have been forced to let go of hope. That said, please recognize that closure comes from within, not the person who broke your heart.

 

Very true, very helpful. Thank you.

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Simon Phoenix
Sorry you're feeling like this but this guy is not doing you any good. He gave you false hopes. Why did he want to have a drink with you ? Why did you go with him?. Whenever you break up with someone you should tell them to please leave you alone and not to contact you unless they ever think of reconciliation. If you never hear from them again well there goes your answer. You need to not text him for his birthday It's just another day. Block and go NC forever.

 

Meh, I don't think he really did anything wrong here. This wound was a completely self-inflicted wound by her. She initiated the meet-up, she insisted he come up to her place when he refused, she was the one who wanted to sleep together multiple times to try to bring him back into the fold and she was the one who kept telling him not to leave.

 

Now could he have spared her the embarrassment/shame of what she's currently feeling by rebuffing her advances? Sure, but he's not compelled to. It's not his job to make sure she doesn't slip up.

 

As for the OP, I'm not trying to bag on you. You made a series of mistakes out of desperation and loneliness. You aren't the first and won't be the last to do this. Shake it off and learn from it. But whatever you do, DO NOT DOUBLE DOWN with a birthday message. You went all-in on a bad hand of cards and lost -- don't go further into debt in a feeble attempt to try to make your previous mistakes go away. That will just sink your ship more.

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lillian39530
Meh, I don't think he really did anything wrong here. This wound was a completely self-inflicted wound by her. She initiated the meet-up, she insisted he come up to her place when he refused, she was the one who wanted to sleep together multiple times to try to bring him back into the fold and she was the one who kept telling him not to leave.

 

Now could he have spared her the embarrassment/shame of what she's currently feeling by rebuffing her advances? Sure, but he's not compelled to. It's not his job to make sure she doesn't slip up.

 

As for the OP, I'm not trying to bag on you. You made a series of mistakes out of desperation and loneliness. You aren't the first and won't be the last to do this. Shake it off and learn from it. But whatever you do, DO NOT DOUBLE DOWN with a birthday message. You went all-in on a bad hand of cards and lost -- don't go further into debt in a feeble attempt to try to make your previous mistakes go away. That will just sink your ship more.

 

I'm not angry at him, he did what I asked him to do. Drinks, sleeping with me, I'm responsible for that and I don't even regret it. I don't want to label what I did as "mistakes". I needed closure and I have closure now. I knew how I was feeling before, always wondering : "what will happen if I text him?"/ "I can't meet other guys, if ever he comes back?".

 

I just wish I can fast forward in time, for when I'll be healed. I'm angry at life for being yet again under a cloud. Right now, I idealize him and I feel that the scars I have will never heal. He was everything I was looking into a man. I'm very picky and I don't fall in love often i.e never.

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PinkElephants
Right now, I idealize him and I feel that the scars I have will never heal. He was everything I was looking into a man.

Almost. He was almost everything you were looking for in a man. "Everything" would include him not wanting to leave you.

 

I, too, have been left by a guy that I thought was special. We got along great, had fun, he was smart, and the sex was fantastic, seems like it should have worked, right? Well, he saw a problem that was too big to overcome and decided not to date me. During the times when it got me down I repeated to myself that if he was the one, he wouldn't have left. It helped to remind myself that he wasn't actually what I was looking for if he left.

 

In the end, I'm so grateful he made the decision that he did because the one did find me and I wouldn't have been able to date him if I was still tangled up with the wrong man.

 

I'm angry at life for being yet again under a cloud.

You have two choices, get bitter or get better. Did he teach you a lesson or ruin you? Did he free you to find someone better or did he take your last hope with him? How you frame things matters. You can get angry or you can find the silver lining.

 

"what will happen if I text him?"/ "I can't meet other guys, if ever he comes back?".

If he ever comes back, you walk the other way. Going back to an ex is like trying to put poop back in your butt; it doesn't work. There's no sense in going back to a man who's already left you once because he'll do it again.

 

It's crazy, when I was with him, I would think: "if ever he breaks up with me, I will go crazy, I love him too much and this is too precious". And he did break up with me. And last week I thought : "If ever he tells me straight to the face that he is seeing someone else I'll go crazy because of the pain". And here I am, again with my worst fears now being real. Still alive.

We always fear what comes next. In the relationship you feared the breakup. In the breakup you feared being replaced. What's left to fear? Nothing in this relationship; the worst has happened and you made it. So in moving on you might fear rejection, disappointment, heartbreak and they'll all likely happen but you'll survive them too.

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lillian39530
Almost. He was almost everything you were looking for in a man. "Everything" would include him not wanting to leave you.

 

I, too, have been left by a guy that I thought was special. We got along great, had fun, he was smart, and the sex was fantastic, seems like it should have worked, right? Well, he saw a problem that was too big to overcome and decided not to date me. During the times when it got me down I repeated to myself that if he was the one, he wouldn't have left. It helped to remind myself that he wasn't actually what I was looking for if he left.

 

In the end, I'm so grateful he made the decision that he did because the one did find me and I wouldn't have been able to date him if I was still tangled up with the wrong man.

 

 

You have two choices, get bitter or get better. Did he teach you a lesson or ruin you? Did he free you to find someone better or did he take your last hope with him? How you frame things matters. You can get angry or you can find the silver lining.

 

 

If he ever comes back, you walk the other way. Going back to an ex is like trying to put poop back in your butt; it doesn't work. There's no sense in going back to a man who's already left you once because he'll do it again.

 

 

We always fear what comes next. In the relationship you feared the breakup. In the breakup you feared being replaced. What's left to fear? Nothing in this relationship; the worst has happened and you made it. So in moving on you might fear rejection, disappointment, heartbreak and they'll all likely happen but you'll survive them too.

 

Thank you for your message. This is very helpful, and true. I will try to integrate what you say, really.

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