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Haven't dated in a decade, 28 and a virgin, consdering suicide


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 1st March 2016, 2:21 AM   #31
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Originally Posted by mariababy View Post
Hi JGF87,

I think I should share my experience with you because I can relate with the situation you are in. I felt the same way you did last year. I am turning 31 this year and I was also never in a relationship before until last July. I used to cry in bed occassionally thinking why I could never find love or be in a relationship. I put myself out there with online dating, meetups and interacting with more people but nothing worked.

I was so obsessed with having to "be in love", "in a relationship" and went with the first guy that showed some kind of affection towards me even though we were so incompatabile in so many ways. I was 30 when I had my first relationship and it lasted about 7 months and I also lost my virginity to him. Honestly, I was never happy in the relationship. I cried way more than when I was single. I was depressed being in a relationship. I cried almost every night because I was so unhappy in a relationship. It wasn't what I dreamed of or wanted.

Although, I am going through the sadness of heartbreak right now, I can say that I am so much more happier with myself than I was when I was in a relationship. I wish now that I had never met him, because I am back to square one but with more heartache to carry around - but then again, I would have never experienced the things I did.

So please don't be so depressed with not having a girlfriend. As long as you learn to be happy with yourself, it is all that matters. No one can bring happiness except yourself. Sometimes, because you haven't experienced something, you think the grass is greener on the other side. But when you do, you realise how much more you have not missed out in reality.
It's shocking to hear of a woman not having a boyfriend or being a virgin that long mainly because women don't have to approach and be the initiators
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Old 1st March 2016, 9:02 PM   #32
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As of today, I've had emotional breakdowns for eight days straight. I've done the Match.com promotion of boosting my profile to the top of everyone's search results three times and have a whopping one view from all of them. Maybe I'm not as decent-looking as I thought.

Either way, logging on to Match or trying to do anything to change things results in me falling apart and feeling more hopeless than ever; certainly something no hospital, medicine or therapy can help. I'm damaged goods and hate myself for the inevitable devastation my suicide will bring to those who care about me, but what else can I do at this point?
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Originally Posted by fireflywy View Post
Now, talk to us. What do you do for a living?

What is your "geek side" you talk about?
My day job is to do really routine data entry-related stuff at a small housing company. The hours are flexible and my coworkers are nice, but after nearly four years, I've grown to hate it and want to move on. (There's also no chance of finding love there as every other co-worker is in their fifties or sixties and long married.) Unfortunately, I don't think there's any other job I could reasonably get that would let me suddenly take days off due to these nonstop breakdowns (I missed 4 out of 5 days of work last week for this reason), so I'm probably stuck there till the day I die, which should be soon.

I watch a lot of movies, play a lot of video games, and review both as a freelancer, though it's never been enough to make a living off of. I even went to a local game convention last week, struck up a long, fun conversation with a girl, and felt hopeful about it, but she's ignored my Facebook request for a week now and I'm back to feeling like there's no hope for me. I've been to literally dozens of Meetups related to these things and made a few male friends, but again, no progress at all with women, which is all that I can focus on.
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Originally Posted by mr1 View Post
You should come to a random woman which have attracted your attention on a street, in a bar, during dance lesson or somewhere else and start a conversation, make jokes, pay compliments to her, ask for coffee tomorrow if conversation goes good. And do all that on a regular basis with different women. You should be ready to be rejected by a woman. Dozens of times. And it is also normal. Many guys passed through it. You will learn from mistakes. Keep in mind you are doing this for your own development, to be successful in the future and do not expect fast results.
But what am I supposed to say? Saying something random out of the blue to a total stranger would just make both of us feel awkward, and I'd hate myself more for it. And I react to all of my failures in life by feeling devastated and plotting suicide, so what hope is there for me? I literally can't think constructively or confidently, no matter how hard I and others try.

Last edited by JGF87; 1st March 2016 at 9:08 PM..
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Old 2nd March 2016, 4:08 AM   #33
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I have no interest in dissuading you with what you've concluded is the only option left. After all, I had the (maybe bizarre) idea not long ago that in addition to euthanasia, the government should support suicide and pay for the expenses afterwards (which by the way, are VERY expensive..). I won't elaborate on my thoughts on overpopulation, waste and pollution here but I still stand by it...

I do notice some absolute NOs in what you write, first of all the job, which sounds boring and you hate, second the online dating thing, finally the video games. It all sounds like the perfect recipe to feel very down. I've struggled with image my whole life but also consider myself naturally quite vain, meaning I consider myself and the rest of the world not very good-looking and it hasn't helped that I tend to attract modelish types. Judge away. That said, I noticed every good looking guy or guys with a lot of potential to look great looked not so good online, some of them looked positively deformed. Meanwhile the average or blah ones looked hot... it's like they've invested more time on the selfie skill out of necessity. In short, how you look online and how people respond to that is not exactly reality. A lot of people do build real relationships from that or go on dates all the time. Good for them. I for one could never do it, nor could I put myself as some option to swipe through, this type of fast-food rejection would demolish my self-esteem, and it's already degrading knowing it's pretty much the same in the real world, but since we all look better in motion...

So I would completely discard online dating... especially if you are already in a vulnerable condition.

Then I will share that there was a time in my life (early to mid 20s, not long ago), when, for a long list of poor decisions I took as a teenager, I found myself without any friends, relationship, money, job, school. The years everyone was out laughing with friends, flirting or drinking.. I was on my computer or staring at the ceiling, living with my family, and even they would avoid me too, I was a bit bitter and would constantly say hurtful things.

Through a relative, I found a job, a shi.ty office job. I made copies and took them to different departments 8 hours a day. Most people were over 40 and married, they looked at me a bit fascinated by my youth (I wasn't super young though) and maybe a bit horrified too, who knows. I'd spend a couple hours a day on data entry too, it was very little and the microsoft computers weren't even connected to the internet so I had to be in a position that said 'I'm working so hard right now' but wasn't really working! just staring at a stupid screen and more often than not, screaming inside. I abhorred every single thing of my reality starting with myself, looking back I was pretty harsh with the constant bullying... always picking out flaws and convincing myself everything was a flaw and reason enough to be rejected, when people would laugh about how I spoke too fast and wasn't being understood, I'd apologize but deep bottom I knew nobody would want to be with someone that speaks like a nervous fool (of all things! now I actually enjoy it ). I wanted to escape so bad, I did contemplate suicide, but I wanted even more than death, chilling in nothingness smelled like impunity, maybe it's my sense of justice or egomania but I deserved a lot more and I certainly didn't want to ruin my mother's life by forever condemning her to not knowing exactly what happened in my head and whether it was her fault or not. Of all the things I didn't have in order, I think a good heart was not one of them, and if that meant keeping on living what's actually not a long life anyway, then so be it. But anyway, my deep craving for escape was in the form of some earthquake, something that would shake off the mess I had allowed myself to become, something that would allow me to take control over my awkwardness and failures and acknowledge them and hopefully turn them into something better. As I'd sit there pretending to be working, I'd think of my dreams as a kid, as a teenager, how I always wanted to go to these far away places that I could not even afford, the things I liked doing the most before I succumbed to shyness and hid in it. I remembered I like drawing and hadn't done it in years..

I went online and searched for art schools in South Africa, South America.. anywhere that was remote and maybe affordable. I found a school after a few hours, in the b*tthole of the world but it seemed legit, and the tuition was 100 dlls and the semester would start in aprox. 6 months. I paid .. I had no idea about the country but it sounded fun and challenging and even romantic. After a few weeks I had enough for my one-way trip. My family was surprisingly very supportive and helped me with some money, I was still very poor when I got there but soon found a part-time job at a call center that at least helped me with groceries. Anyway, after even just paying and knowing I was going away, things just looked so different to me, I felt more... alive? like I had allowed some kindness to myself and with that, a second chance. Moving there has been the craziest thing I ever did, some sort of self-rescuing mission. It turned my life around and it was so hard at first and I finally became as lonely and strange as I felt inside and I cried everyday for the first two months (also culture shock!) but after a while, it got better and better and I realized my awkwardness mostly translated as 'foreigner charm' over there hahah, and it was easier to make friends with other foreigners because we were all just as lonely and dying for interaction. I started dating a gorgeous man after some months... it didn't go anywhere but I realized nothing was really wrong with me, we just live life differently and most of the time, we still have our own hands on the wheel and can go anywhere.. literally.

I stayed there for two years. Then went back home and guess what happened? depression again. I never belonged there, I never wanted to go clubbing, or was attracted or even attractive to the people there, I've always been seen there as "weird" and I let it bring me down for a long time, I'd go home after family reunions and cry because they had made cruel comments about me being single and my sexual orientation was even put into question (not that I care but it goes to show you the level of social pressure). After over a year there I moved to another city, then overseas, then back and I'm currently in another country and finally feeling like I found my place (surprise, it's one of the largest cities in the world, where there's nothing weird about being "weird"). I now have my own place, a good job, some friends, romantic drama (which often makes me long for the days when none of that was part of my life).

I guess my point is that escaping reality is perfectly valid but there are different types of realities... death is a bit like going to a restaurant and realizing all the food there makes you sick and concluding you shouldn't eat at all anymore. Plenty of restaurants out there... just er, walk around some more?!

I do understand the sex part, more than you know, but right now that's the smallest of your battles... once you get it all in order, sex with the right person will happen almost like someone above has a sick sense of humor, and it won't be all that really and most of all, she'll never have to know, it's a primal thing and it's often awful at first regardless of how experienced you are.

And by the way I know you'll dismiss my post thinking I had some sort of advantage in my conditions or age. I didn't, and it doesn't work like that but just wanted to share something I found that worked for me and was related to being suicidal (I did commit social suicide in my hometown come to think of it...).

Last edited by lop98; 2nd March 2016 at 4:14 AM..
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Old 3rd March 2016, 9:32 PM   #34
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Ya just because it's the way it is, the way the world works, doesn't mean I have to like it or enjoy it
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Old 3rd March 2016, 10:20 PM   #35
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True. A prostitute could give you some pleasure. But she could not make you happy. The purpose 1 have not been achieved - she sleeps with you for money not because of love and respect. But she could give you a tactical advantage: you will be more self-confident with another woman. And that another woman is a purpose and the first one could just be a small and not necessary step.
Sexual relief of any type produces chemical reaction and change in your body - don't dismiss this as minor or unmeasurable.

Absolutely agree that such an experience, or better, experiences, will make one more confident with women, at least with their physicality and the basic fact that they are not a million miles from men in what drives them and makes them function.

After a long and essentially sexless marriage, followed by even more years of no sex post divorce, due no doubt, to depression, I saw many many escorts. The chemical brain reaction of this can't be denied. Geez, a couple of times I had to actually stop my car on the drive home, get out and give an almighty 'WOOT!' before calming down, back in the car, and back home again.

The thing is mate, like more of us than you might imagine, you are a square peg and you're trying to force yourself into a round hole (oh.. the puns), why? Because most of society appears to be a round peg and their socially acceptable lives are round holes - they 'just fit'. You don't, lots of us are like this. We're on the fringe.

A -lot- to be said on this subject, but before I turn this post into a mammoth unreadable tome just let me say this:

I have now been with countless escorts, honestly, I couldn't easily remember the number, this is not a boast though, my point in raising it is that in amongst those countless faces a small number have become real friends, I no longer pay/fyck them, we're a social circle, I actually married my favourite escort and she's a wonderful wife ... a girl who is also a 'square peg' like me ...

Yes, there are lots of legitimate reasons not to go down this path, posters have mentioned some here and many people on LS are completely against the idea - thats fine, I respect their point of view - but, if you're convinced you are going to leave this earth anyway, well, what have you got to lose? Go out, get yours, and report back if you feel any differently about life.
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Old 5th March 2016, 9:41 AM   #36
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Sadly a lot of dating/relationship coaches charge thousands of dollars, don't know what the OP's financial standing is
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Old 5th March 2016, 9:53 AM   #37
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It's shocking to hear of a woman not having a boyfriend or being a virgin that long mainly because women don't have to approach and be the initiators
If no-one approaches or initiates, what do you think the outcome of that is?
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Old 7th March 2016, 9:49 PM   #38
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If no-one approaches or initiates, what do you think the outcome of that is?
Still, women are usually never a shortage of men approaching them or initiating with them
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Old 9th March 2016, 8:07 AM   #39
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I feel like you are too much of a traditional man, saving your virginity for the right one. When it should be the other way around

Logically if your 29, you will be looking at options of girls age 21-35. At these days if your planning to find a girl who is also a virgin probability is kinda low, seeing as how you can find porn so easily by just typing it on google. And these days its always someone's ex.

The problem dude you have never been with a girl all this while. And we are talking 21 century here. You need to get hold of one and study how they tick. it's like clockwork

Once you get one, many more will come. Somehow it's like magnet.

Btw you need to unleashed what you kept so long in your testicles, it is screwing with your brain.

Last edited by lostmyway82; 9th March 2016 at 8:13 AM..
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Old 11th March 2016, 9:16 AM   #40
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I don't know if you ever follow Simple Pickup, but I read on one of their comments somewhere, forget which link, the guys who run it said they once coached, worked with a guy in his early 30's and had never kissed a girl before either
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Old 17th March 2016, 2:02 PM   #41
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Have you tried getting a life coach? Maybe you just need to have a new beginning, change up your style, go to the gym work out with a personal trainer in 6 months you will see a difference physically, and it will make you feel better! Get a new haircut, buy cloth use your geekiness to become successful and you will draw a lot of girls. Maybe I'm just talking nonsense but from what I read you have a self esteem issue. And that my friend will not get fixed if you don't work on yourself. Sign up in a gym today! Get a life coach if you have to a person that can guide you! You seem lost.
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Old 17th March 2016, 10:58 PM   #42
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First of all , I dont have a practical solution for you right at this moment JGF - I just think that , if you came here , there is a glimmer of hope . You came on this forum to talk your concerns through with people , before acting on them. That's a great first step!

We are all here because of our problems, pain and issues. We are all trying to get through our overwhelming thoughts in our head. But I think we all have a lot of love to give to others and everyone here is offering their shoulder , a supportive ear , or a virtual hug , till you start feeling a bit more optimistic.
To give you an example of something I have witnessed: I have a very good friend who was a virgin till the age of 28 , lost hope and decided not to concentrate on it for a while, and pursue other hobbies and platonic friendships. And then , somebody came along and saw him for the good person he was. Just as he stopped looking ... Its possible! Dont lose hope .... we are all here to get you through the day!

I , myself am new here , and I came to post about my troubles and negative thoughts but I really felt compelled to start my journey on this forum by saying : I care! Stay with us! You matter!
Give it some time , let's take it one day at a time ....
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Old 22nd September 2016, 4:39 PM   #43
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Half a year later, and nothing has changed. I managed to get 1 girl from Match to respond and do a blind date, and while it wasn't unpleasant or anything, it was clear that there was no spark. I've messaged over 20 girls on both Match and OKCupid since, and nothing has come from them, other than 2 or 3 responses with nothing afterward.

I'm officially unable to do any major life changes to fix this, since I'm getting an apartment on my own next month and can't walk away from or reduce my work hours as a result. I'm exercising and eating healthier and gradually losing some weight, but I still look average at best. I've found three or four Meetup groups comprised of people my age that I like and consistently go to, but I doubt anything will come of it. I've also seen a new therapist this past year who's finally given me some self-esteem and self-respect, but it seems that I just can't do this, and I no longer know why, so I can't fix it.
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Old 22nd September 2016, 5:01 PM   #44
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Adversity is our best teacher. My friends always used to joke with me that I would be a virgin till I was 39 then marry the hottest girl in the world because I waited so long. Im a decent looking guy too. Played sports in HS and all that stuff. But I never had a girlfriend and didnt end up losing my virginity till I was 21. Now I know you've had a much more difficult road. But i just had 5 amazing years with the girl I lost my virginity too (we just split, should explain why I am here.) And maybe it didnt work out right so I could be here right now. Let me tell you man, when you find someone that loves you more then you love yourself its totally worth the wait. But the key is you do have to love yourself first before anyone else can love you.

Its like a video game. You gotta go through the levels. We've all played shooters before, and its boring in level 1. They pretty much show you how to move, aim, shoot.. ect its lile "hell ive played shooters before I wanna get to the good stuff!" But its there for a reason. You cant just jump to a boss battle without tackling his stupid friggin henchmen first. So just consider yourself at level 1. You gotta work on getting your feet on the ground and moving in the right direction. But this games a bitch, no checkpoints or saves. If we lose we go right back to the start. But if you play enough you will get there. Keep working out, eating right and try to find one positive thing each day. Even if its just seeing a bird outside a window. It was put there for you my man. The universe is working all the time to put us where we are supposed to be. Youre not broken, youre playing at a higher difficulty then everyone else. It makes you unique, gives you a different perspective on life than most anyone else in the world. Its not something you may have wanted, hell i'd love to be rich and super handsome and play the game on easy. But where's the payoff with that? When you do finally beat the game, it'll be that much sweeter. And I believe that you will get to the end. Take every opportunity and leave no corner unsearched. You will get there my friend, I have faith in you. Dont give up.
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Old 22nd September 2016, 7:18 PM   #45
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Step up your workouts. Reduce your gaming time. Im a gamer too and I know how much it messes with your ability to socialize when taken to excess. Main thing is lift weights and go hard at it. Socialize and don't turn down an invitation. Don't disregard potential friends. They might know someone good for you. Relationships also jave a heavy cost to them. You are not missing out on anything profound anyway. Also you need to go afyer ugly or overweight women until you get your confidence up.
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