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Haven't dated in a decade, 28 and a virgin, consdering suicide


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 27th February 2016, 9:43 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by mikeylo View Post
Stop thinking about having a girlfriend. Stop comparing yourself with others.These are the first steps before you do anything.

You are ONLY 29 !

Many people have been where you are and found their partner later in life and wished they had found them earlier !

Use this time to make yourself healthy.Once you are healthy, all pieces will begin to fall together.Its not easy.You probably need to get into therapy with a different mind frame. Dont go looking for a quick how to get a girl ! Many times a wrong relationship can screw you up for worse.To get the right girl, you need to be right !
Many people have been where the OP has been at? Being almost 30 and never had a long-term relationship before or still a virgin? Well ya on this site it sure seems that way, but sounds like you have known or heard of others besides this site, most people will have had a long-term relationship under their belt by their mid to late 20's already, it seems
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Old 27th February 2016, 2:47 PM   #17
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JGF, please don't kill yourself.

Quit comparing yourself to others.

Mikeylo is right. If you sit on this site and/or compare yourself to others who have had sex with every Tom, Dick, and Harry (or the female version), you're going to be depressed and think you're flawed, when the reality is, you're not. It just hasn't been your time yet.

You know that a watched pot never boils right? You said you have been obsessing over this situation for the past 6 yrs. Well surely, that has kept you locked in this cycle and detracted from your experiences.

You need to let go and just be, and stop worrying so much about the status of your life in terms of relationships and sex. Having a significant other and/or sex doesn't define you.

I was reading this really good quote lately that I think could help you: 'what we think we think, we create, what we feel we attract, and what we imagine we become.' I don't know who said this but this is very good quote from whoever came up with it. It's so true... if you get stuck in negativity and self-defeatism, you're not going to attract the best of experiences/people.

You need to be more compassionate to yourself and work on building up yourself and improving your self-esteem.... then the rest will fall into place.

You can't control fate and/or what the future holds, but there are plenty of people who are single/virgins til later in life and then meet someone.

Don't compare yourself to others and think yourself unworthy. You are you. These other people.. let them be them, but don't let your perception of everyone else kill you. You have be strong and build yourself up and make yourself happy.

Life is a battle sometimes but you have to keep holding on. Some successful people have toiled away for decades and they finally get that break after such a long time.. and it seems like forever, but it's because they never gave up and never stopped trying.

Don't let these thoughts destroy you. They're just thoughts and your perception of yourself if skewed because you're depressed. You can get help for that with another doctor if need be, and also in concentrating on making yourself happy with what you have rather than focusing on what you don't have and freaking out about it.

I think you need to loosen the reins a bit in terms of trying to control your destiny and let things fall into place naturally by just taking care of yourself.
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Old 27th February 2016, 6:20 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by JGF87 View Post
I'm turning 29 in May, but my only experience with love, relationships, and dating at all has been dating a girl I randomly met for two-three months in early 2007. Since then, I have been unable to do anything at all. No relationships, no dates, no sex, nothing. I've become increasingly obsessed with this every year for the past six years, have tried dozens of Meetups and dating sites, and nothing has happened.

At this point, I'm planning to commit suicide in a few days because I'm embarrassed and ashamed of the way I've turned out. People have told me for years to just act natural and keep living my life, but I know that if I was going to make any progress, something would have happened by now. I've seen dozens of doctors and tried dozens of medications to try and make me think normally, but nothing's helped. Unless someone has ideas for something I haven't tried yet, I'm ready to die alone.
I can't say or do anything to help undo how you are feeling right now, because clearly you've been through that much pain and heartache that words simply couldn't undo it. I am very sorry to hear this is how you are feeling. The only thing worse than a suicide attempt is completing suicide, because it can't be undone.

You are 29, and you're right, a lot of damage has been done. The thing is though that you never really know what would happen if you continued to live the rest of your life. A lot changes in your thirties and beyond. If you can find a way to hold on, mobilize supports and help, and keep working on yourself, you are bound to form something at some point.

As a side note, I've known men who couldn't get dates until their thirties and became massively successful with women. I'm not saying that you will too, but I'm saying this to you because honestly you never really know what is going to happen down the road. If you go too soon, you'll never know.
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Old 28th February 2016, 12:34 AM   #19
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Hi JGF87,

I think I should share my experience with you because I can relate with the situation you are in. I felt the same way you did last year. I am turning 31 this year and I was also never in a relationship before until last July. I used to cry in bed occassionally thinking why I could never find love or be in a relationship. I put myself out there with online dating, meetups and interacting with more people but nothing worked.

I was so obsessed with having to "be in love", "in a relationship" and went with the first guy that showed some kind of affection towards me even though we were so incompatabile in so many ways. I was 30 when I had my first relationship and it lasted about 7 months and I also lost my virginity to him. Honestly, I was never happy in the relationship. I cried way more than when I was single. I was depressed being in a relationship. I cried almost every night because I was so unhappy in a relationship. It wasn't what I dreamed of or wanted.

Although, I am going through the sadness of heartbreak right now, I can say that I am so much more happier with myself than I was when I was in a relationship. I wish now that I had never met him, because I am back to square one but with more heartache to carry around - but then again, I would have never experienced the things I did.

So please don't be so depressed with not having a girlfriend. As long as you learn to be happy with yourself, it is all that matters. No one can bring happiness except yourself. Sometimes, because you haven't experienced something, you think the grass is greener on the other side. But when you do, you realise how much more you have not missed out in reality.

Last edited by mariababy; 28th February 2016 at 12:41 AM..
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Old 28th February 2016, 3:02 AM   #20
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Originally Posted by mikeylo View Post
You are ONLY 29 !
I no longer feel that people telling me I'm only whatever my current age is a valid argument any more. Maybe 5-6 years ago, but not now. 50% of people lose their virginity in high school, 90% have had sex by the end of college, and the remaining people usually accomplish that soon after. I've been out of school for over half a decade and am still pathetic.

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Originally Posted by Qboro90 View Post
Is it the same therapist? I think you really should go see a new psychologist or psychiatrist who can prescribe you medicine after a more in depth study and physical exam. There's a huge different between therapists and counseling and a psychiatrist.

Most people who have suicidal thoughts don't realize that the medication they're on or have been on have A LOT to do with why you're thinking about this. The side effects aren't a joke, they're legit, serious effects on your body and more importantly your mind, that you have no control over. If the doctor you've been seeing has been unable to rectify this, notice it, or adjust your medication then you absolutely must consult another physician. Multiple opinions if you want to be smart.

I guarantee you that if you go meet another medical professional (hopefully two at least) and honestly describe what you're feeling, why, and what medication you're on as well as the effects you've felt... That they will be able to help you. .
I generally switch doctors every couple of years when we inevitably realize they can't help me. I've had doctors solely for therapy, others solely for medication, and others for both depending on certain points in time. I've met many, many unique people and done that honest description you talk about and nothing has improved. I'm a case that literally can't be solved.

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Originally Posted by Satu View Post
Be aware that being in a relationship isn't a ticket to paradise.

There are lots of unhappy people in unhappy relationships.
True, but it's also the only way I'll ever have any self-worth and not want to kill myself. People have tried nonstop to convince me that's not the case and nothing's worked.

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Originally Posted by spiderowl View Post
You're a nice, handsome and witty guy, so it's not reasonable to think you would need to be alone forever.

Did something happen to you that made you feel so bad at the age of 8?
I swapped schools when third grade started due to doing well enough to get into the gifted students program, but I got stressed out and threw multiple fits with the increased difficulty at my new school and got sent to another one for troubled kids for the rest of third and fourth grade, which I hated. I blamed myself for all of it and went on to hate myself for all my following academic failings (I almost never got good grades from this point regardless of how hard I tried), and I guess when school was done with, I chose another shortcoming to focus on.

And to everyone saying "Just don't focus on it, live life normally, and something will happen," that's what I've been doing most of the time, and guess what? Nothing has changed. When I try to fix this, I fail. When I try and ignore it, it doesn't fix itself. I can literally not comprehend the views other people have about how easy and "inevitable" me finding love is and insist that if something could happen, it would have by now, and dying seems far more comforting than continuing to wait for something I know will never come.
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Old 28th February 2016, 3:05 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by SincereOnlineGuy View Post
And how in the world do you see suicide as a more socially acceptable path than is hiring a working girl to cure the virginity part?
Forgot to respond to this. Hiring a prostitute or someone similar to have sex would still make me feel ashamed and suicidal because I'd just keep reminding myself that I'm so pathetic that I can't even get a girl to sleep with me out of love or attraction, but just for money. Sex for actual love is the only thing I want, and if I can't get it and can't stop feeling terrible about it, I might as well just end everything.
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Old 28th February 2016, 4:17 AM   #22
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Hey OP. Is there a way you can just take a temporary break from what's going on right now in your life. Firstly, try to remember we all experience things at different times in life. Some people are 30 or 40and still not married. Just the way things happen. I empathize with you feeling like nothing is going right especially in your love life. I've been depressed off and on for several years. People try to help by saying just don't focus on it,but they don't know you have to work harder to not focus on it.

You're in crisis and need attention. Please see if u can take a few days off from work and definitely call your therapist. Checking yourself in to a temporary hospital/facility may be necessary to get more one on one.care.

You are worth so much more than a sexual encounter which comes with its own set of issues.

Keep posting please!!!
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Old 28th February 2016, 4:27 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by mariababy View Post
Hi JGF87,

I think I should share my experience with you because I can relate with the situation you are in. I felt the same way you did last year. I am turning 31 this year and I was also never in a relationship before until last July. I used to cry in bed occassionally thinking why I could never find love or be in a relationship. I put myself out there with online dating, meetups and interacting with more people but nothing worked.

I was so obsessed with having to "be in love", "in a relationship" and went with the first guy that showed some kind of affection towards me even though we were so incompatabile in so many ways. I was 30 when I had my first relationship and it lasted about 7 months and I also lost my virginity to him. Honestly, I was never happy in the relationship. I cried way more than when I was single. I was depressed being in a relationship. I cried almost every night because I was so unhappy in a relationship. It wasn't what I dreamed of or wanted.

Although, I am going through the sadness of heartbreak right now, I can say that I am so much more happier with myself than I was when I was in a relationship. I wish now that I had never met him, because I am back to square one but with more heartache to carry around - but then again, I would have never experienced the things I did.

So please don't be so depressed with not having a girlfriend. As long as you learn to be happy with yourself, it is all that matters. No one can bring happiness except yourself. Sometimes, because you haven't experienced something, you think the grass is greener on the other side. But when you do, you realise how much more you have not missed out in reality.
I know I'm gonna get attacked for saying this but I always find it more shocking to hear of a woman being single or a virgin that long compared to a guy, for obvious reasons
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Old 29th February 2016, 11:21 AM   #24
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Originally Posted by JGF87 View Post
Forgot to respond to this. Hiring a prostitute or someone similar to have sex would still make me feel ashamed and suicidal because I'd just keep reminding myself that I'm so pathetic that I can't even get a girl to sleep with me out of love or attraction, but just for money. Sex for actual love is the only thing I want, and if I can't get it and can't stop feeling terrible about it, I might as well just end everything.
Money is a form of attraction for most girls.

And without money most relationship dies. So you are actually paying for sex in a way.

Anyway dude just go get a escort. Get one that really looks good to your liking, one that is professional, tell her what you expect from her, go on a vacation for a week with so that no one can interrupt you or her. Clear your head, enjoy yourself in her company. Then after sleeping with her for a week you will be cured of your current state. .

Trust a bro on this, it is not worth putting yourself through this just because you think there is a right one.
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Old 29th February 2016, 11:22 AM   #25
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Originally Posted by lostmyway82 View Post
Money is a form of attraction for most girls.

And without money most relationship dies. So you are actually paying for sex in a way.

Anyway dude just go get a escort. Get one that really looks good to your liking, one that is professional, tell her what you expect from her, go on a vacation for a week with so that no one can interrupt you or her. Clear your head, enjoy yourself in her company. Then after sleeping with her for a week you will be cured of your current state. .

Trust a bro on this, it is not worth putting yourself through this just because you think there is a right one.
Disagree with all of this. Sorry.
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Old 29th February 2016, 12:04 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by JGF87 View Post
Disagree with all of this. Sorry.
I'm going to be honest with you. I've been sitting back and reading your posts. Here's my two cents on people in your position:

If things were slightly different, and you were getting laid, and some girl broke your heart, you'd still be here posting about how you're pathetic and you want to give up and kill yourself.

I honestly don't think it matters that much which side of the coin you're on.

You've convinced yourself that your life isn't worth living and that's the real problem.

Now...the lovely people here have pleaded with you to stay alive, to visit a psychologist, and to help you see that you're not as old as you think, that there's plenty of time for love and happiness.

By your very words, none of those things have helped. You've tried them all or are otherwise unwilling to try the more unsavory solutions other posters have suggested. I get that.

I understand what it means to be in pain and hungry for love. Sex doesn't solve the problems. It just brings more. Neither will love for other people. You don't want to be convinced of that, I know. You think this is it. If someone doesn't love you now, you'll never be loved. I'm so sorry that something happened in your life to make you feel that way. Twenty years is a long time to be in therapy and I sincerely empathize with you. I've been through a lot myself.

Fortunately, the negative things you've convinced yourself to believe just aren't true. You have a ton of life left to live and if you take the time to realize that, you will have the things that you want. But others cannot love us unless we find it in us to forgive and to love ourselves. Sounds cheesy, but it's true.

I've had the things that you want so desperately. They've caused me a ton of pain. I'm here, same as you. Feeling unwanted and alone. I'm proof that love and sex are not the antidote. I'm here, posting, asking for help. I'm no better than you. No better than anyone. I'm human, existing in the same condition as you.

The mere fact that you're asking for help and trying so hard to tell others how you feel inspires me to believe in your ability to get past this difficult time in your life. In your desire to survive. If you want to give up, none of us can stop you. A sad truth.

But, I sincerely hope you don't. You have a lot to offer and I'll be here surviving too if you want support. You're not alone. You're no different than us. Don't walk that path.

That's the only surefire way to never having the things you want. Don't cheat yourself out of that chance.
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Old 29th February 2016, 9:55 PM   #27
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Well, I just had a friend who married at 32 and who was a virgin the entire time. He had a hell of a time finding someone and then it just happened just like it does for everyone else.

As for your other issues, I'm going to recommend that you see someone who specializes in Neuro-Linguistic Programming. its DIFFERENT than pyschology and asks the HOW to make things better instead of the WHYS. If one isn't close, find a way to travel to one to consult with. They are VERY interesting and may be able to help you combat your default thinking paradigm. What do you have to lose?

Last edited by fireflywy; 29th February 2016 at 10:01 PM..
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Old 29th February 2016, 10:26 PM   #28
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Originally Posted by Mr. Disposable View Post
I'm going to be honest with you. I've been sitting back and reading your posts. Here's my two cents on people in your position:

If things were slightly different, and you were getting laid, and some girl broke your heart, you'd still be here posting about how you're pathetic and you want to give up and kill yourself.

I honestly don't think it matters that much which side of the coin you're on.

You've convinced yourself that your life isn't worth living and that's the real problem.

Now...the lovely people here have pleaded with you to stay alive, to visit a psychologist, and to help you see that you're not as old as you think, that there's plenty of time for love and happiness.

By your very words, none of those things have helped. You've tried them all or are otherwise unwilling to try the more unsavory solutions other posters have suggested. I get that.

I understand what it means to be in pain and hungry for love. Sex doesn't solve the problems. It just brings more. Neither will love for other people. You don't want to be convinced of that, I know. You think this is it. If someone doesn't love you now, you'll never be loved. I'm so sorry that something happened in your life to make you feel that way. Twenty years is a long time to be in therapy and I sincerely empathize with you. I've been through a lot myself.

Fortunately, the negative things you've convinced yourself to believe just aren't true. You have a ton of life left to live and if you take the time to realize that, you will have the things that you want. But others cannot love us unless we find it in us to forgive and to love ourselves. Sounds cheesy, but it's true.

I've had the things that you want so desperately. They've caused me a ton of pain. I'm here, same as you. Feeling unwanted and alone. I'm proof that love and sex are not the antidote. I'm here, posting, asking for help. I'm no better than you. No better than anyone. I'm human, existing in the same condition as you.

The mere fact that you're asking for help and trying so hard to tell others how you feel inspires me to believe in your ability to get past this difficult time in your life. In your desire to survive. If you want to give up, none of us can stop you. A sad truth.

But, I sincerely hope you don't. You have a lot to offer and I'll be here surviving too if you want support. You're not alone. You're no different than us. Don't walk that path.

That's the only surefire way to never having the things you want. Don't cheat yourself out of that chance.
The problem with what you said here is that I just can't think the way everyone else does. I have a large family, and seeing all my cousins get married, my younger brother consistently be in loving relationships for the past decade, and my sister who's nine years younger already dating, having a social life, and not doubting herself just makes me hate myself more. All my 'positive' qualities are just geeky quirks that will never get me anywhere. Even trying to meet fellow geek girls with similar interests has resulted in nothing.

Maybe love and sex isn't the answer to my problems and would make me feel worse. Either way, my mind refuses to stop obsessing over them and making me feel pathetic and miserable because I'm not getting so much as a taste of something that's normal and usually joyous for people my age and much younger. As I said before, if it was possible for me to find love, something would have happened by now, and literally nothing has. Why don't people understand that it's better to cut your life short when you know there's just decades of loneliness and suffering if you choose to live? I'd rather die "young" (29 isn't young by my standards) than live to be in my 70s or 80s and look back on how I couldn't find a girl.
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Old 29th February 2016, 10:31 PM   #29
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Originally Posted by JGF87 View Post
The problem with what you said here is that I just can't think the way everyone else does. I have a large family, and seeing all my cousins get married, my younger brother consistently be in loving relationships for the past decade, and my sister who's nine years younger already dating, having a social life, and not doubting herself just makes me hate myself more. All my 'positive' qualities are just geeky quirks that will never get me anywhere. Even trying to meet fellow geek girls with similar interests has resulted in nothing.

Maybe love and sex isn't the answer to my problems and would make me feel worse. Either way, my mind refuses to stop obsessing over them and making me feel pathetic and miserable because I'm not getting so much as a taste of something that's normal and usually joyous for people my age and much younger. As I said before, if it was possible for me to find love, something would have happened by now, and literally nothing has. Why don't people understand that it's better to cut your life short when you know there's just decades of loneliness and suffering if you choose to live? I'd rather die "young" (29 isn't young by my standards) than live to be in my 70s or 80s and look back on how I couldn't find a girl.
I'm 38, been married, divorced, and had my heart broken. Have I found "love" yet to last a fairy tale lifetime? No. Honestly, there is no such thing even when you find someone.

The comparing youre doing is called the social clock. You need to smash it!

Now, talk to us. What do you do for a living?

What is your "geek side" you talk about?
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Old 29th February 2016, 11:45 PM   #30
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A man is happy if he has achieved two purposes:
1) He has a good relationships with a woman. A relationships where a woman respects, loves him.
2) He has achieved a self-fulfilment: he does something, earning money, people respect him etc.
They are dictated by a role of a man in Nature. The role serves to mankind survival. The role have been shaped by millions years of evolution.

If one of the above items is not fulfilled then a man has bad feelings. It is a mechanism of Nature to push a man to do what is necessary to fulfill the purposes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JGF87 View Post
I've become increasingly obsessed with this every year for the past six years
It is normal. You should be obsessed. Your instincts tell you the way you should go to be happy.

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Originally Posted by JGF87 View Post
People have told me for years to just act natural and keep living my life, but I know that if I was going to make any progress, something would have happened by now
Waiting does not help. Acting in the right direction does. You should evolve. You should develop your character. It is a long way. But it's worth it.
Tell what you have been tried already to be successful with women.
The intermediate purpose for you - to be more successful in the second area (career, sport, hobby). It will make you more self-confident. Do everything to be more self-confident. This ingredient of a character attracts women.
And also the development in the second area will provide you with more resources to be successful in the first area.
Tell more about you achievements in the second area.

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Originally Posted by JGF87 View Post
Hiring a prostitute or someone similar to have sex would still make me feel ashamed and suicidal because I'd just keep reminding myself that I'm so pathetic that I can't even get a girl to sleep with me out of love or attraction, but just for money
True. A prostitute could give you some pleasure. But she could not make you happy. The purpose 1 have not been achieved - she sleeps with you for money not because of love and respect. But she could give you a tactical advantage: you will be more self-confident with another woman. And that another woman is a purpose and the first one could just be a small and not necessary step.

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Originally Posted by JGF87 View Post
have tried dozens of Meetups and dating sites, and nothing has happened.
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Originally Posted by JGF87 View Post
They're telling me to try harder and do more social activities, but I just don't seem to know how to meet girls at all.
You should come to a random woman which have attracted your attention on a street, in a bar, during dance lesson or somewhere else and start a conversation, make jokes, pay compliments to her, ask for coffee tomorrow if conversation goes good. And do all that on a regular basis with different women. You should be ready to be rejected by a woman. Dozens of times. And it is also normal. Many guys passed through it. You will learn from mistakes. Keep in mind you are doing this for your own development, to be successful in the future and do not expect fast results.

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Originally Posted by lostmyway82 View Post
Money is a form of attraction for most girls.
This is true partly. Girls are attracted if man is successful and is respected. Money is just one of signs of a success. You must not spend money on a girl but you definitely should be able to earn money.
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Last edited by mr1; 1st March 2016 at 12:05 AM..
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