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Haven't dated in a decade, 28 and a virgin, consdering suicide


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 26th February 2016, 12:34 PM   #1
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Haven't dated in a decade, 28 and a virgin, consdering suicide

I'm turning 29 in May, but my only experience with love, relationships, and dating at all has been dating a girl I randomly met for two-three months in early 2007. Since then, I have been unable to do anything at all. No relationships, no dates, no sex, nothing. I've become increasingly obsessed with this every year for the past six years, have tried dozens of Meetups and dating sites, and nothing has happened.

At this point, I'm planning to commit suicide in a few days because I'm embarrassed and ashamed of the way I've turned out. People have told me for years to just act natural and keep living my life, but I know that if I was going to make any progress, something would have happened by now. I've seen dozens of doctors and tried dozens of medications to try and make me think normally, but nothing's helped. Unless someone has ideas for something I haven't tried yet, I'm ready to die alone.
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Old 26th February 2016, 12:40 PM   #2
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Please call a suicide hotline instead. Get yourself into therapy. Therapy will help you form relationships to stop this pattern which is making you sad.
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Old 26th February 2016, 12:44 PM   #3
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I've seen dozens of doctors and tried dozens of medications to try and make me think normally, but nothing's helped.
Have you had in-depth psychological counseling? Because there is no medication to "make you think" differently.

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Unless someone has ideas for something I haven't tried yet...
Again, how much therapy have you had?
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Old 26th February 2016, 1:17 PM   #4
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I've been going to therapy almost every week for over 20 years and have called suicide hotlines at least a hundred times by now. It's hopeless.
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Old 26th February 2016, 1:36 PM   #5
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What are your therapists telling you? Are you following their advice?

If you have been in therapy since you were 8 that is a very long time. There has to be more to the story then you are sharing here.
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Old 26th February 2016, 1:40 PM   #6
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They're telling me to try harder and do more social activities, but I just don't seem to know how to meet girls at all.

I have been in therapy since I was 8. I initially developed depression and complete self-hatred at that age, and the list of problems has just expanded over the years as I've failed out of three colleges, compare myself to everyone else in my family as they're all more successful and in relationships, and been hospitalized twice with no real progress resulting from both stays. I just think I'm a defective product that can't be repaired, so I should be destroyed. I'm a nice, witty and handsome guy, but everything else about me sucks.
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Old 26th February 2016, 1:50 PM   #7
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Stop thinking about having a girlfriend. Stop comparing yourself with others.These are the first steps before you do anything.

You are ONLY 29 !

Many people have been where you are and found their partner later in life and wished they had found them earlier !

Use this time to make yourself healthy.Once you are healthy, all pieces will begin to fall together.Its not easy.You probably need to get into therapy with a different mind frame. Dont go looking for a quick how to get a girl ! Many times a wrong relationship can screw you up for worse.To get the right girl, you need to be right !
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Old 26th February 2016, 1:52 PM   #8
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I've been going to therapy almost every week for over 20 years and have called suicide hotlines at least a hundred times by now. It's hopeless.
Is it the same therapist? I think you really should go see a new psychologist or psychiatrist who can prescribe you medicine after a more in depth study and physical exam. There's a huge different between therapists and counseling and a psychiatrist.

Most people who have suicidal thoughts don't realize that the medication they're on or have been on have A LOT to do with why you're thinking about this. The side effects aren't a joke, they're legit, serious effects on your body and more importantly your mind, that you have no control over. If the doctor you've been seeing has been unable to rectify this, notice it, or adjust your medication then you absolutely must consult another physician. Multiple opinions if you want to be smart.

I guarantee you that if you go meet another medical professional (hopefully two at least) and honestly describe what you're feeling, why, and what medication you're on as well as the effects you've felt... That they will be able to help you.

Think about how simple that could be. If you just needed to alter the dosage, or be put on a different, or new, or trial medication/treatment, and you're overwhelming feelings of hopelessness could be impacted or dramatically reduced.....You say that you don't feel any control over your dating life or skills with women but That's something you have control over. Take advantage of it.

Never harm yourself because of what "you don't have". Everyone in the world has things they don't have. The people who you think have everything, might wish they could be you because of what they feel they're missing in their lives. The people who are able to push past tough times and constant hurdles are the ones who can see the 1 bright spot in a room full of darkness. You're cognizant enough to post a thread on here and outline your feelings and thoughts. That's huge. Do you know how many people aren't able to reach out and have the self awareness and consciousness to do that? So there must be some part of yourself that realizes this isn't the answer, and that you do have things you want to live for or things you enjoy, or things you want to accomplish. If you can't see that as your bright spot then at least have the trust in someone else realizing it and believe it as a fact.
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Old 26th February 2016, 2:08 PM   #9
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They're telling me to try harder and do more social activities, but I just don't seem to know how to meet girls at all.

I have been in therapy since I was 8. I initially developed depression and complete self-hatred at that age, and the list of problems has just expanded over the years as I've failed out of three colleges, compare myself to everyone else in my family as they're all more successful and in relationships, and been hospitalized twice with no real progress resulting from both stays. I just think I'm a defective product that can't be repaired, so I should be destroyed. I'm a nice, witty and handsome guy, but everything else about me sucks.
I don't know what type of therapists you've been to. However, developing self-hatred at the age of 8, is about something so traumatic that the mind of an 8 year old could not deal with and blocks it from his/her consciousness, yet it comes out in other ways and is usually turned on themselves.

and the list of problems has just expanded over the years -- this suggests to me that the real issue has never been addressed properly or even brought to light.

This is not about the 29 year old you, it's about that 8 year old. That's who needs to go to counseling sessions. He needs to tell his story. Find yourself a good/well experienced childhood trauma therapist. You need a counselor who is specialized, not a general practitioner. You would also benefit from a therapeutic environment that includes group sessions/activities to develop social skills. Have you ever tried CBT/DBT sessions -- Cognitive Behavior Techniques or Dialectical Behavior Techniques. These kinds of sessions provide some useful tools for managing emotions and learning to self-soothe effectively.

hospitalized twice with no real progress resulting from both stays. -- Hospital stays do not result in "cure" or even progress. The hospital only deals with the patient who presents "in crisis" and they can only treat the symptoms and get the patient stabilized.

If you've heard all this before, just stick with it.
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Old 26th February 2016, 2:30 PM   #10
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Be aware that being in a relationship isn't a ticket to paradise.

There are lots of unhappy people in unhappy relationships.
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Old 26th February 2016, 2:31 PM   #11
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Honestly, I was similar to you at a certain point in my life, hopeless, wanted to give up entirely, a complete basket-case. Through meditation (mindfulness) and acupuncture, I learned to intrinsically perceive/project more positively, not only about myself, but the world around me. It's negativity that produces more negativity, a viscous cycle, that pervades all aspects of one's life. What are you confident in doing? Use that as a starting point and learn to apply that perception to other areas in your life. Also, be thankful for what you DO have, the feeling of "missing out" or "not having what others have" is the absolute worst mindset one can have. Instead, think about what you DO have, be thankful for it, and find ways to positively build upon those qualities. Lastly, find a mentor, it can be anyone you admire in life, a person who has achieved what you want. Talk to them, find out what makes them tick, ask them if they can help you.
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Old 26th February 2016, 2:40 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by JGF87 View Post
I'm turning 29 in May, but my only experience with love, relationships, and dating at all has been dating a girl I randomly met for two-three months in early 2007. Since then, I have been unable to do anything at all. No relationships, no dates, no sex, nothing. I've become increasingly obsessed with this every year for the past six years, have tried dozens of Meetups and dating sites, and nothing has happened.

At this point, I'm planning to commit suicide in a few days because I'm embarrassed and ashamed of the way I've turned out. People have told me for years to just act natural and keep living my life, but I know that if I was going to make any progress, something would have happened by now. I've seen dozens of doctors and tried dozens of medications to try and make me think normally, but nothing's helped. Unless someone has ideas for something I haven't tried yet, I'm ready to die alone.


I'm interested to know how your seeming priorities came to put "...relationships and dating..." so high above all else?


And how in the world do you see suicide as a more socially acceptable path than is hiring a working girl to cure the virginity part?


The fact that you've been seeing a therapist for so long assures that there are/were indeed significant factors back in your formative years which we don't know about.

But even the slightest application of logic to what you say would suggest that you think more deeply about hiring a working girl to at least experience sex before you make any further final choices.


If every you get yourself back on a path of mainstream outlook, it is correct to just do your thing, and at least anticipate the chance that somebody ideal for you will happen along (when you least expect it).

Nothing is more important than meeting LOTS of people, toward that end.
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Old 26th February 2016, 3:19 PM   #13
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There's no specific cut off age where you can decide it's too late.

Keep working at it and try to get positive and stay there. Negative attitude is difficult to hide and it will send prospective dating partners running for the hills.
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Old 26th February 2016, 3:39 PM   #14
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Be aware that being in a relationship isn't a ticket to paradise.

There are lots of unhappy people in unhappy relationships.
yeah look at me and my posts !

I shoot my leg every day .
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Old 26th February 2016, 8:01 PM   #15
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They're telling me to try harder and do more social activities, but I just don't seem to know how to meet girls at all.

I have been in therapy since I was 8. I initially developed depression and complete self-hatred at that age, and the list of problems has just expanded over the years as I've failed out of three colleges, compare myself to everyone else in my family as they're all more successful and in relationships, and been hospitalized twice with no real progress resulting from both stays. I just think I'm a defective product that can't be repaired, so I should be destroyed. I'm a nice, witty and handsome guy, but everything else about me sucks.
You're a nice, handsome and witty guy, so it's not reasonable to think you would need to be alone forever.

Did something happen to you that made you feel so bad at the age of 8?
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