You'll hear from them eventually, 98% of the time

[finalendeavor]

I thought I'd drop in with you guys and see how everyone has been doing. I'm sure most of you don't remember me/ recognize me by now, as its been close to a year, but I wanted to tell you some recent developments, and perhaps the end of the story. For those of you who might be curious, I have the entire story detailed in several of my old postings- for those of you who don't want to read through them, the short story is this- I fell absolutely head over heels for this guy that I'd connected with like no other. I was crazy for this guy. I spent about $400.00 to go visit him as he lives a state away, and it was everything I had hoped for and more. It was insane how close we were, how much we related with each other. He was my best friend and my best lover. Well, of course, things went sour pretty quickly after I left and after he decided he wanted me to come live with him, and he dumps me in an extremely cruel way over text, offering little explanation as to what had happened.

 

Day, weeks, months go by- it takes me forever to get over it, and I never fully do, but eventually I begin to accept the fact that I really might never know what happened/ never hear from him again. We had literally, from the day of the breakup onward, never spoken another word to each other- it would've been nine months on the 28th.

 

Last night I get a text from him, asking if he could call me. I was in disbelief. He apologized profusely; told me that he didn't want anything out of the apology, but that he was so ****ing sorry for what he had done to me and for how he had treated me. He told me that he left me because he was so afraid of being vulnerable and letting things move to the next step, and that he thought the quickest way to get it over with would be to disappear. He told me he never let a single week go by without thinking about contacting me. It was sad when we spoke; it was like we never stopped talking. He told me how arrogant and ungrateful he was, and how humbled he had been with what had happened in his life in the past 2 months or so.

 

At this point, both of us are keeping our distance because we don't want to end up in another painful situation, but we're quasi-friendly towards each other.

 

I can't tell you how much time I wasted contemplating why he left, why I wasn't good enough, if he would ever contact me again, and here's the thing, guys: while all of this is an imperative part of healing, none of it actually matters, I promise. No matter how the situation turns out in the end, the Earth will continue to rotate, the days will go on. And if it makes any of you feel better, I'm pretty sure most of them eventually do come back and at least touch base with you at some point. Accept that you're not meant to fully understand the situation; I think acceptance is key, whether you're feeling like absolute **** or you might never hear from him again, accept these realities. There's an infinite number of outcomes for you in this existence, I swear it.

 

Another tid-bit; when eventual contact happens (or not), you make damn sure you say every single thing you feel like you need to say, and do NOT apologize for it. Although it wasn't the prettiest of conversations in parts last night, I feel so much better because I was finally heard and finally able to say how I felt about the entire situation. If you feel like contact will never occur, say how you feel at least once. I think that this is such an important part in being able to move on. And don't feel bad if you cry or get angry either; romantic situations are some of the most terrifyingly awkward things you can experience, so allow yourself to experience the accompanying emotions. Don't go begging or acting desperate/ creepy, but allow yourself to be heard.

 

 

Thanks for reading, good night <3

[foam12]

Thanks for sharing!

 

I doubt I will hear from my ex again and have accepted that. For the first two months I kept praying she would change her mind and call me. But, she was not the same person that I knew when we were together. She became cold hearted, distant, and a total B. Similar to you in that we were getting ready to move in together and then I was dumped kind of by text and then followed by a phone call.

 

To this day I still have no clue what went wrong but gave up thinking about it a while ago because it didn't allow me to move on. Like you said, the world doesn't stop and life does go on. So, I assume I'm in that 2% but that's ok with me now. Have a good one!

[thekarmacist]

yeah, they get in touch eventually. the real question is, will you give a damn when they do?

[Raina314]

I do believe if someone really loved you they'll at least touch base again eventually, and I'm really happy for you that yours did .

I think the ones that don't come back are the ones that were never really emotionally invested to begin with, but sometimes it's hard to know whether that was the case or not o.O

[kztar]

I agree with Raina. They will come back IF they cared. Maybe for the wrong reasons but eventually one day they'll contact you to see atleast how you're doing.

[Mr. Disposable]

yeah, they get in touch eventually. the real question is, will you give a damn when they do?

 

I'll answer that with a story (as I often do!):

 

I was engaged a couple of years ago. We split up and didn't communicate for two years. I went NC immediately and figured I'd never hear from her again.

 

After my recent break-up, like clockwork, my ex fiance reared her head. She was desperate to get in contact with me and started e-mailing me at work and on my personal e-mail. At one point she even had her sister sending my brother Facebook messages to try to get her hands on my cell phone number.

 

She claimed she needed help finding mental health services and that I was the only person in the world who didn't think she was crazy. She kept claiming that we were "friends" and tried to guilt me into talking to her even though we hadn't spoken a word to each other in two years! Eventually, she started threatening suicide in her e-mails. I never responded to a single e-mail. I was completely indifferent, but because of my training I took her threat of suicide somewhat seriously.

 

Rather than playing into her scheme, I reached out to her mom and brother. They both got back to me instantly and were concerned but grateful to me for informing them of S.'s behavior. Her mother explained that S. was in a rough place and was probably just second guessing her choices and looking to the past for comfort.

 

I respectfully explained that while I understood her position, that being loved by others is a privilege that expires when we're not careful. I let her know that I wanted nothing more to do with her daughter's difficulties and that I wished her and her family the best.

 

Indifference is possible. It takes a long time and the road to indifference is not easy. In my case...when she reached out and wanted me in her life, I was over it and wanted nothing to do with her.

[strow]

Actually most of the time they move on and you never hear from them.

 

Don't know where you get "98% of the time they come back" but it's just plain wrong.

[Mr. Disposable]

Actually most of the time they move on and you never hear from them.

 

Don't know where you get "98% of the time they come back" but it's just plain wrong.

 

I'm willing to bet that this varies by gender. I mean...finalendeavor looks gorgeous in her avatar.

 

For pretty girls I'm sure the rate is sky high.

 

Although, I must say...as a male all of my exes have reached out at some point (sometimes years later and for very weird reasons!).

 

Never as a hey...let's get back together. But occasionally a "I've been thinking about you." Or just "How are you? I'm glad to see you're doing well." It's always when I'm with someone else though and never when I'm single.

[strow]

I'm willing to bet that this varies by gender. I mean...finalendeavor looks gorgeous in her avatar.

 

Don't assume an avatar is of the person who displays it.

 

Besides even if it's her, and she's really cute that doesn't mean she's invincible to being broken up with.

[Mr. Disposable]

Don't assume an avatar is of the person who displays it.

 

Besides even if it's her, and she's really cute that doesn't mean she's invincible to being broken up with.

 

Haha, of course not. I wasn't implying that at all. Just saying I think some people's odds are better than others.

 

I understand your bitterness regarding people coming back. Just my personal opinion/observation. Of course YMMV

[Raina314]

Just thought about this again. This morning, I got a message from this guy who asked me out and I turned down (nicely) years ago. I'm talking like, 6 years back. I'm still not interested, but I realized that every guy who's asked me out, including the ones I went out with, has contacted me again at some point regardless of how long it's been, so, there is a lot of truth to this thread.

 

Except this most recent ex, who I gave my best effort with. How is it that the only guy who I really, really wanted things to work with is the only one who left without looking back? Am I just more interesting and attractive when I don't care? Why does it seem like Im more memorable to people who I spent *less* time on?

[kasop]

My most recent ex has left and come back multiple times. Each time i swore up and down she was done. I even begged her back. But all it took was a couple of weeks or months of nc and she comes back. Hopefully this is the last time. Just my personal experience.

[Mr. Disposable]

Just thought about this again. This morning, I got a message from this guy who asked me out and I turned down (nicely) years ago. I'm talking like, 6 years back. I'm still not interested, but I realized that every guy who's asked me out, including the ones I went out with, has contacted me again at some point regardless of how long it's been, so, there is a lot of truth to this thread.

 

Except this most recent ex, who I gave my best effort with. How is it that the only guy who I really, really wanted things to work with is the only one who left without looking back? Am I just more interesting and attractive when I don't care? Why does it seem like Im more memorable to people who I spent *less* time on?

 

That should be a big ego boost! Even if you didn't like him. I'm always flattered when someone takes an interest. Women aren't the types to ever come forward and say something like that and I usually wind up hearing it later. I know it might not seem like a positive, but try to take it as one

 

Don't beat yourself up. We both know by now that this wasn't your fault. It takes two people making their best effort to work through a tough time. That old saying that relationships are 50/50 is bullsh*t. Relationships are 100/100. Each person has to give their all. Just because you don't see someone looking back, doesn't mean they're not. Trust me. My story here should support that. It took two years, but it happened.

 

Everyone is more attractive when they can't be had. So yeah, not caring can be sexy. I find that when I try really hard at it, I fu*k things up. But when I don't it always seems to work. I think the beginning of a relationship should be pretty effortless if it's ever going to stand a chance of going the distance.

 

We're all more memorable to people we spend less time on. They've only got fantasy to work with. That's why the "hot girl I've never talked" to is always on my mind. As a guy, that idea of "I wonder what's under all that" goes beyond just clothes. That's the allure of mystery/the unknown.

 

My most recent ex has left and come back multiple times. Each time i swore up and down she was done. I even begged her back. But all it took was a couple of weeks or months of nc and she comes back. Hopefully this is the last time. Just my personal experience.

 

I'm sorry to hear that kasop. But at least when that happens you can feel as if though you've exhausted all possibility. It doesn't ease the sting much, I know. But hey, at least you tried.

 

Ambiguity is one of the toughest things to deal with after a break up. Hang tough. It's the last time if you want it to be.

[darkbloom]

I think them coming back into contact also takes into consideration the amount of lines they have crossed. I don't think my most recent ex will ever come back because he crossed too many boundaries that you can't really come back from.

[Raina314]

That should be a big ego boost! Even if you didn't like him. I'm always flattered when someone takes an interest. Women aren't the types to ever come forward and say something like that and I usually wind up hearing it later. I know it might not seem like a positive, but try to take it as one

 

Don't beat yourself up. We both know by now that this wasn't your fault. It takes two people making their best effort to work through a tough time. That old saying that relationships are 50/50 is bullsh*t. Relationships are 100/100. Each person has to give their all. Just because you don't see someone looking back, doesn't mean they're not. Trust me. My story here should support that. It took two years, but it happened.

 

Everyone is more attractive when they can't be had. So yeah, not caring can be sexy. I find that when I try really hard at it, I fu*k things up. But when I don't it always seems to work. I think the beginning of a relationship should be pretty effortless if it's ever going to stand a chance of going the distance.

 

We're all more memorable to people we spend less time on. They've only got fantasy to work with. That's why the "hot girl I've never talked" to is always on my mind. As a guy, that idea of "I wonder what's under all that" goes beyond just clothes. That's the allure of mystery/the unknown.

 

It is a bit of an ego boost, yeah. I'm happy to be memorable to someone. But now I feel like I'm not the person they liked to begin with anymore, so that adds a layer of weirdness to it. It is true that women are less likely to do that than men, yeah, so I imagine that feels even better.

 

I know. I guess it's partially hard because I'm just not used to it. I'm used to my own hard work getting me to where I need to be, but relationships aren't like that, and I do know it. It's just different.

 

Yeah, effortlessness *is* sexy. It shows confidence. It's tricky for me because I try pretty hard at everything I care about, and when I don't I always think "shoulda, coulda, woulda."

 

That's also a good point. I didn't think about the whole fantasy bit, but it is true. I obsessed over this one guy for a good 8 months in HS and all I knew about him was that I found him really attractive and he played bass. We had maybe one or two conversations that I found very meaningful but he probably forgot all about. Funny how that works.

[fireflywy]

Mine won't ever come back. She was a very attractive woman, very into herself, and has already dated a few men as I've heard from the grapevine. I haven't seen nor ran into her and she has plans of leaving and heading back east. When we were together, she didn't talk to long distance friends unless THEY called first (except her ex husband for the entire time we dated even though he was far away, no kids, no financial ties) and never told him to stop calling. She did tell me once that when she's done with someone, she's DONE.

 

I, mistakingly talked to her for two weeks after the break up trying to mae it work, was ignored, then spoke to her a few months later to hear that she was dating a guy who wasn't serious and nothing long term, and then I was clearing out stuff, in pain, and came across a gift she gave me from a once in her lifetime trip, which I of offered back to her as a momento for her via a text. She never responded. That was back in October. She then ended up single again, but never made contact once.

 

So yeah, I was HER 98% "you'll hear from them again" but I've been thrown to the dustpan because she is very attractive and can sweep guys up.

 

I treated her well, but to her, I'm probably her "I can do better then him in looks and finances" guy.

Edited February 26, 2016 by fireflywy

[K2z]

Mine won't be back either. She's Thai, and at the risk of stereotyping, Asian girls tend not to look back. Especially because she's married.

 

I have no idea what she would say if she even did try to contact me. Neither does she, in all probability.

 

I would like to learn along some kind of grapevine that she profoundly regretted her decision to marry this doofus. But that's a pipe dream. And, I feel a bit bad for wishing it.

[Neffer]

For me they do eventually turn up again. Almost all my exes have contacted me in some way. I do think they come back if they really cared - not sure that is a good thing or not.

 

They always come back when you are over them, as if they can sense that they have no more power. Its like that line in Swingers - "...see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget."

 

 

* well for me its been the only one, same guy twice - who treated me badly - twice. I can be forgiven falling for his crap as there was a decade or so inbetween encounters. I generally have been the dumper and most of my exes have contacted me again and its been friendly.

Edited February 26, 2016 by Neffer

[finalendeavor]

Strow- my avatar is of me, and I caution you to not take a miserable tone and attitude due to prior romantic misfortunes. No, I'm not immune to being broken up with, but it helps me to believe that one day I'll likely recieve closure for the way I was treated. In this particular situation, it was something that I felt like I had really needed because of how badly everything turned out. I wanted the clarity badly, and luckily for me, I got it. I thought I'd share my $.02 with the rest of the Loveshack community who might be in the same shoes that I am.

 

Someone mentioned gender as playing a role in contact after breakups and potential reconciliation; based on my personal experiences and the experiences of many of my female friends, I do believe that we typically end up hearing from our exes way more often than most guys do, doesn't matter who did the breaking up. In my personal case, every guy with the exception of 1 has managed to reach out at some point. For many of my guy friends, it seems to be a pretty common occurence to never hear from exes again, and if they do, it usually isn't for a very long time.

 

 

All of these things are ridiculously unique to the individual though; I've seen guys that have been contacted by every ex, and girls that have been contacted by none.

 

Point is, anything can happen and relationships are vastly unpredicatable; that's both the most enjoyable and most terrifying aspect of them. The most we can do in times of romantic anguish are to look for advice, perspective, and consolation from our peers who are/ have went through what we are. Hell, even if the situation doesn't turn out how you would've wanted, you'll come out a much more evolved person.

[thespacey1]

Just thought about this again. This morning, I got a message from this guy who asked me out and I turned down (nicely) years ago. I'm talking like, 6 years back. I'm still not interested, but I realized that every guy who's asked me out, including the ones I went out with, has contacted me again at some point regardless of how long it's been, so, there is a lot of truth to this thread.

 

Except this most recent ex, who I gave my best effort with. How is it that the only guy who I really, really wanted things to work with is the only one who left without looking back? Am I just more interesting and attractive when I don't care? Why does it seem like Im more memorable to people who I spent *less* time on?

Yep... This is how life can be sometimes. You're definitely on to something along with the OP's point. I've noticed similar instances. But I feel like it has something to do with when our energy is not focused on that particular ex, that's when they are thinking of us or making contact. Energy is a dynamic thing...

 

It's like we have to practically ignore someone (an ex or our partner when there's discord) for them to make contact or correct their behavior. Push/pull... I've experienced it to many times.

[sorano]

my ex dumped me. I will never hear from her again. she was wired different than the average woman. Trust me lol. I think she was from another planet and came to ruin my life. mines ghost

[kztar]

I doubt ill hear from my EX ever again. It's probably best this way anyway.

[Densel]

All me exes came back. Be it they dumped me or I dumped them.

 

They did not came and shout " I want you back!" But those holiday greetings, coffee etc.

[carhill]

I'll ring in as an outlier, both in relationships and marriage. Done and over, never to be heard from again. However, I did hear from my exW a couple years after we divorced because, well, I had the pink slip to her car in my safe and she wanted to sell it and needed it. That was the only thing we forgot to apportion and clear out in the divorce. I was pretty impressed. She stopped by, picked it up and that was that. I would have mailed it but she had a kid with cash that day and, heh, wanted his cash.

 

I've found virtual death to be very helpful to my coping process so thank the ladies for their disappearance.

[faithfully]

Yes you do hear from them 98% of the time, aalways happens to me. When you moving on and forgetting about them, boom!!! They come back. Either it be ex bf, old fb, fwb they always come back.

 

For me, they always come back