Coping with knot in my stomach

[cagedbird27]

It has been 2 years since my ex and I broke up.We were together for four years. When I first met him I had an undeniable feeling that he would change my life. He was my first long term relationship. I also new upon meeting that he wouldn't be in my life romantically forever but that he would change my life. I was young when we met, me 20yrs old and he 42 years old. The relationship we had had it's many up's and downs, particularly with me being young and stupid making multiple mistakes that sometimes involved stepping out on him. Even after those incidents, we always managed to stick together, now that I look back at it, I recognize that a certain unhealthy dependency was at play. Perhaps I provided him with something young and fresh and he provided me with a particular security that I never had (unconditional love, a house, a dog, he had three kids as well, etc), so I felt secure until nearing 25 years old when I realized that I needed to be out of the relationship because I had stopped growing emotionally. I also wanted him to have the love he deserved, particularly him nearing advanced age. So I broke it off one day over a nasty fight the day before his 46th or 47th birthday. It was because he was starting to talk to a woman at work (who was 36 yrs old) and he wanted me to make up my mind of what I wanted because he was also getting tired of our up's and down's. Out of anger I ended it. I was out of his house within a few hours, even when he begged for us to at least talk about our ending. I shut that conversation down and said some hurtful things to him in the process (that wounded him deeply). He has since moved on with the woman he was talking to at work, and I have moved on as well to my own amazing relationship. The only thing that I hate is that I wish we had better closure. Now that I am 26 years old, I am mature enough to value any relationship that I have and now it's just that one last relationship that I regret (in terms of endings). Every time I see my ex around town I get a bitter energy from him, I know I screwed him over so many times that any sort of proper closure with him is pretty slim. I just hate how at certain times throughout the season, I have dreams about him and it makes me not only miss him but have a strong desire to talk to him and at least tell him how sorry I am for hurting him tremendously (at the end of our relationship, he cried and told me that I had changed him and not in a good way, that he even considered suicide..this is after we broke up). I now deeply regret that and perhaps always will until I at least bump into him and let him know how sorry I am for hurting him a few years ago (with no intentions of getting back together). I regret not taking on that last conversation when he offered it, at the time I just wanted to flee. I know now that he is happy and that the relationship that he is in is what I always wanted for him all along. This woman treats him with far greater respect than I ever did and I hear they travel the world and do everything together, so I know he has moved on. Now I am just left with feeling cruddy about my past actions. Has anyone felt this before? Has anyone had closure eventually with their ex even years later? I hate that the aspect of "closure" affects me but I guess that's my piece of insanity. In no ways do I want to get back together with him, I just wish we had the type of relationship that ended in a way where we could pass each other on the street, briefly catch up with each other and genuinely wish each other well. I don't know why this still matters to me but it does. I just hope the knot in my stomach about him eventually ceases to exist every time I think or dream about him.

[preraph]

Well, the person who needs to purge guilt is you. If he is happy now, he is okay and anything you did to contact him would be wrong and hurtful, drag him back down.

 

Since you said it's a knot in your stomach, I feel that is buried tension and to the point it's gotten physical and that you need to get in your car and drive out on a lonely road somewhere and start screaming all your feelings about it at the top of your lungs, even if some of your feelings make you feel bad for having them, like anger that you still feel bad while he's moved on. Just get it all out.

Do whatever, scream, cry, apologize to the sky, whatever. Get it out.

 

That should help get all that stuff off of your subconscious and stop you from being knotted up. Physical activity can also help with that sort of thing. I did water aerobics boxing with milk jugs to work out some angry tension once and it felt great. In fact, water aerobics, under a thorough instructor who works every part of you, will leave you feeling like you just spent a day at the spa, so try it.

 

If dreams persist, then give him 2 minutes before bed, ask if there's anything you can do about it. There's not, so then you gave it a shot. Now put it out of your head and go to sleep and hopefully, dreams won't arise. If they still do, it's because there's something you have not yet been ready to face about the whole thing that may bubble to the surface later.

 

But scream it out. Don't do it around anyone or any pets. Get it out. Purge yourself. Then help your body relax with exercise. You might even want to see an osteopath or chiropractor if you feel some muscles are really bunched up. Good luck.

 

P.S. Forgive yourself. Why? Because you were young and mostly because you have learned from it. That's all that anyone can expect. We all make mistakes.