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My ex has contacted me daily for last 5 years.


Fredski

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Hi.

 

I'm a newbie here.

 

My ex partner of 15 years left me 5 years ago. For another man. A man who happened to be a mutual friend of many years. (Now an ex-friend)

 

At the time our child was 3 years old, now 8. Our relationship was in a very bad state and, with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight it was certainly a time when we should have separated, but she chose this way out - a one way door.

 

It nearly killed me but I have dealt with that.

 

She, after a year of uncertainty, has spent the intervening years living with the man she left me for, with our child.

 

I have dealt with that too. I accept it entirely for what it is.

 

In the past 5 years, ex has contacted me almost daily, usually to say something child-related, but sometimes to say something not child-related - something funny, a news event, etc. Most contact (usually via text) is of a nature that could have waited until I see her when we exchange our child, which has mainly been stress-free and amicable. These drop-offs/pickups are the only time I see her. We settled on an agreed custody early on, no family court custody battle, she has always let me see our child as often as I want/is possible, but she is the main carer, which suits me.

 

For a period early on, I was intent on limiting communication to the absolute minimum - this helped deal with the breakdown of what was our family, but for some reason I always ended up back in communication - it just felt un-natural to have her out of my life entirely. We did have a child to raise together afterall, if at a distance. Our child is very happy & healthy.

 

So after 5 years, I consider her a friend, and have no physical attraction to her whatsoever. I guess you could say that I love her in a Platonic way now. She wouldn't admit it but I think she may feel the same way.

 

Her choice of partner causes issues. If it was anyone else in the world then it's possible we could have a "normal", post-marriage friendship (if there's any such thing!). I guess we have unconsciously decided that this is the only way to practically still maintain a friendship.

 

She always initiates communication. I made a rule early on that I would not contact her unless it was vitally important. I stick to it 99.9% of the time. Once she has contacted, it can be one or two child-related messages, or to and fro-ing all day, in which case the subject/s are beyond child related matters.

 

Because our communication is the way it is, I genuinely don't know how happy or content my ex is. She guards her emotions somewhat, and in our texts/talks her partner is rarely mentioned - only when absolutely necessary. Initially this was her not wanting to make me feel worse after what had happened (I know she felt at the time, and possibly still does feel guilt). It sometimes feels like there is a level of denial coming from both of our sides - as though "her partner" doesn't exist in what our world became, whereas he did before. It's really strange now that I sit back and think about it.

 

Would this be considered an unusual situation or quite a common scenario?

 

I used to think what became of our relationship was really weird, but now I am quite used to the state of things. Put it this way: It is conspicuous when a day goes by that I do not hear from her in some manner. I will state that she is a "communicator".

 

I posted this in "Coping" as it seemed to be the most appropriate sub-forum, but please don't misconstrue: Although I have been single for the majority of the time since D-Day, mainly by choice, I am presently in a state of total acceptance of what has passed. I have a great relationship with my child, and rarely a terse word is exchanged between parents. For what it's worth, I am a non-religious, self-employed, late-30s, middle-class white Anglo-Saxon male living in a large first-world city.

 

Occasionally I feel that she thinks she made a mistake 5 years ago - I can sometimes hear it in her voice.

 

It is something I rarely think about anymore.

 

 

Your thoughts, opinions & comments appreciated.

 

Cheers,

 

 

Fred.

Edited by Fredski
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Well, it is an unusual situation, but I can see how it happened. I'm so sorry she took up with a friend of yours. That is so disrespectful. I hope all this communication of hers isn't just trying to relieve her own guilt. It's great you feel able to be friends and are no longer attracted to her. I wouldn't worry about whether she's happy with that guy. She's still with him and she knows how to walk out because she did that to you. So she wants to be there. You have to talk because of the children. It's nice you can also be friends.

 

But you have been so hurt that your life has just been on hold. I think maybe you're now past the point of wishing she'd come back to you. At least I hope so. But even if you're not, I really think it's time for you to start seeing some old friends and maybe having them fix you up, or joining a meetup of your favorite hobby, or asking out some single mother in your kid's school or whatever. Build a new life so you don't worry about being peripheral to hers so much. Don't get in a hurry. Just be open to it. If a woman is being kind, find out if she's single and take her out for pizza with or without the kids. I know this may be enough for you, but you could have more than enough, like she does, by dating other people.

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I'm sorry to hear that story. The level of disrespect in that situation is unbelievable. I would say it's very likely she's still feeling guilty, knows she screwed up, and doesn't have the stones to admit it, and will go on forever feeling this way, which isn't your problem anymore. It wasn't the day she walked out.

 

Honestly, she is probably keeping that relationship going to spite you in a way. I've seen that a hundred times. God forbid it doesn't work out with the little boy she left a real man for. You sound like you've got it together. Get out there. It's almost like shes toying with your emotions in a way, and that is just plain sick. You absolutely do not have to have daily conversations to co-parent.

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SoThatHappened

No advice, but just want to say that your intelligence oozes through your writing... and after being on internet forums since they were invented, I really appreciate that.

 

Normal posts that long (not that it was too long, just longer than normal) can be hard to read and digest. I didn't blink reading that.

 

You have your stuff together. You were dealt a bad hand with this relationship, but you have a child that is loved by both sides and that is extremely important.

 

You will find someone who will appreciate the person you are, and that seems to be a great person.

Edited by SoThatHappened
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Thankyou for your thoughtful, kind and honest replies.

 

I haven't placed 'starting a new relationship' very high on my priority list, but after five years maybe it's time to consider it.

 

Single life, despite the occasional bout of loneliness, has a lot of pros: personal freedoms, zero conflict, full independance, etc, but one or two major cons balance the ledger: mainly absence of intimacy & companionship.

 

I think choosing to remain single - and it is a choice, as much as choosing to be in a relationship is - was a defence mechanism for me early on ie. carefully guarding a busted up heart (not to mention a battered ego).

 

15 years is a long time to be together. I'd had previous relationships but nothing too serious or long-term. I now know that it takes a long time to "undo" many of the things that are learned from many years in a committed relationship. It must vary between people and length. I feel that there must be a period of recovery time after a long term relationship ends so that none of the baggage of the previous is carried to the next. I learnt this lesson in person when a new relationship I had begun didn't work out. This was about a year post-separation.

 

My ex partner didn't have this period of single self-reflection. She was into the next relationship before the last had ended, both emotionally (3 months) and physically (2-3 weeks).

 

For the first few years I made a mistake by directing my internal anger towards him but much less at her. Around the time it became clear that things were unravelling, and I was fairly sure of what was happening between them, I attempted to warn him off in a very unambiguous manner, but alas - it didn't work. At the same time I was desperately trying to convince a woman who I still truly loved to reconsider heading down what ultimately would become the one way road she had chosen.

 

The anger and hurt has diminished greatly over time, and the commonsense approach would be to forgive, forget and then everyone can be friends, but that feeling hasn't come across me thus far, and I doubt it ever will. I have forgiven her for being human - she fell in love, that is fair - but I have not forgiven, nor forgotten his actions (and I am naturally a forgiving person). If this is a grudge, then it's the only one I've ever had. For this reason, we avoid meeting as I am not sure how I would react.

 

I know I'm being a touch long-winded here, but it's good to get some things off one's chest to like-minded people from time-to-time as an external/global indication of where I'm at. I am generally a DIY person - the last to ask for help. Family and friends certainly did lend me an ear early on but that time has passed and I wish not to burden them.

 

I've mainly come to terms with everything that has happened and lead a generally happy existence again now.

 

Definitely a work in progress though ;)

 

Time is a powerful healing force.

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