Tibbs Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 Hi, I'm new to this forum, just looking for any advice people can offer. My first love broke up with me after 4 years together because she said she didn't love me any more. It was completely out of the blue, and at the time completely ruined my entire life. Over the years I have had counselling and therapy to help me cope. We haven't spoken in almost 5 years now, and recently in the last few months she keeps popping in to my head, and I find myself reminiscing about the good times we had. I haven't yet, but I have this great urge to text her just to say hi and see how she's doing, but decided against it so far as I'm not sure if it's wise. They say you never forget your first love, but it just hurts so much thinking about her, even after all this time. Does the pain ever go away? Is it ever okay to text an ex to say hi? Or are these things just best kept as a memory in the past? Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 The pain does go away eventually. It's probably not a good idea to text her, either for your own sake or whatever concept you have in your mind of how it'll effect her. Depending on how you broke up, she may not want to hear from you at all or might just look at it with an "oh-no" groan. And it'll probably just make all those feelings of yours exist in the present again, which is a bad thing. I'm a fan of and a believer in closure but this sounds dead and buried after these four years and you should probably just leave it that way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
foam12 Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 I have spoken to exes through Facebook years later. Some were high school or college flings that just ended because we were young and dumb while others ended in bad ways. All of those conversations happened at least 5 some 10 years later and our relationships never came up. Just what we were doing with our lives. It sounds like you may bring up the relationship to your ex, which then I would advise against it. I currently have my Facebook deactivated to avoid seeing anything about my ex, but with the other exes I spoke of the communication is pretty vanilla. Likes for photos or simple happy birthday posts. I still think about the special ones but you will probably find your ex is a completely different person after 5 years but maybe that is good... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tibbs Posted February 3, 2016 Author Share Posted February 3, 2016 Thanks for all your comments so far. Really helpful. I agree it's best to remain no contact for now. I just wish all these thoughts of her would go away. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 Don't text her. I feel this will set you way back in your progress, as it sounds like you were very devastated and needed a lot of support to cope. If you haven't spoken to her in 5 years, it's better to leave it that way. I don't think it will help you to hear that she's moved on and is probably with (or has been other) another man. I think this will rip open old wounds and not be a constructive step for you. Link to post Share on other sites
True Gent Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 Don't text her. I feel this will set you way back in your progress, as it sounds like you were very devastated and needed a lot of support to cope. If you haven't spoken to her in 5 years, it's better to leave it that way. I don't think it will help you to hear that she's moved on and is probably with (or has been other) another man. I think this will rip open old wounds and not be a constructive step for you. Exactly this^^ I think you'll only end up going backwards and feeling hurt on a deeper level again. You need to accept you may never have contact again, it is a very final thought I know. The thing is you'll always have the good memories, you can cherish those but don't obsess over them. You've had love in your life before, so you'll have it again. Relationships end for a reason, it's hard but think about it with your head not your heart. I understand your pain I really do, the end will eventually come. Moving forward instead of holding back and clinging on to the past (which will be rose tinted, we are all guilty of that), will help you dramatically. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 If you text her, it probably won't end up how you want it to. I think you have to look at what you hope to get out of contacting her, and there isn't much to gain quite frankly. You would find out how she is doing, and then what? Just go back to being strangers? That's probably what would happen, so what's the point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tibbs Posted February 4, 2016 Author Share Posted February 4, 2016 I've always wondered; is it only ever the dumpee that hurts? Or is it possible that she spares a thought for me from time to time? Link to post Share on other sites
bigbaby Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 After four years together, I'd be very surprised if she never thought of you. If you want to shoot her a text, why not. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted February 4, 2016 Share Posted February 4, 2016 I've always wondered; is it only ever the dumpee that hurts? Or is it possible that she spares a thought for me from time to time? Dumpers hurt too, but it's probably in a different way. I'm sure she thinks of you. I think of all of my exes from time to time, in varying degrees and with different emotions attached to those thoughts. When I think of two of my exes, I remember our time together fondly, and I hope for the best for each one. One ex, I just don't care either way. We ended on a bad note, but I'm indifferent now, so I don't think back on him very often. My recent ex, I look back on with regret, sadness, and some anger. Link to post Share on other sites
ExtraSpice Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 Dumper or dumpee, if you truly loved and cared for a person you will think about them every now and then. How you think about them may be drastically different but both parties do spare a thought from time to time. As for contacting them, I would say it is better not to. Esp if you feel the way you are feeling. If you are hurting when reminiscing about the past then best to leave the past there. It may feel great if you text her and she replies but the mind/heart is a weird combination. And it may trick you into feeling or thinking things are a certain way when they aren't. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 Thanks for all your comments so far. Really helpful. I agree it's best to remain no contact for now. I just wish all these thoughts of her would go away. You may want to speak to a counselor if you're having a hard time with the pain after such a long time. Occupying your time with other activities might be helpful, as well as taking the time to truly grieve your loss so that you can move on for good. Link to post Share on other sites
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