Cirilla Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 Hi everyone, My ex and J have been broken up since March when he viciously and brutally dumped me while intentionally being as traumatic as possible. I instituted NC in April and see neither hide nor hair of him on FB since be blocked me and I've his his friends from my feed. We still have lots of mutual FB friends though, as the relationship was long and we ran in similar circles. He belligerently tried to get me back last fall and I declined, and then I ran into him in December and he seemed like he wanted to talk to me but didn't. Some of you may remember my story. Anyway, a friend and I were talking last night and he said "oh, and by the way, about ____". I stopped him and said I didn't want to hear anything about the ex. My friend was unaware that the ex and I were in NC. He kept trying to say something but I kept telling him I shouldn't HSR anything about my ex's life. He respected that and changed the subject but I could tell from the look on his face he thought I needed to know whatever it was. I should add that this friend is very well-meaning and would never pick sides or intentionally hurt anyone. But that conversation got me thinking " what is going on that I should know about?" What if my ex is in some dire circumstance? What if he moved? What if he's dying in a hospital somewhere? What if he was diagnosed with something? I do have compassion for him (it's complicated) and would be concerned even though I'd never take him back. I'm not going to ask the ex directly but I'm thinking of asking another mutual friend 2 or 3 yes or no questions. I'd like to think if it was something medical or life threatening then someone would tell me about it, but then again I've asked people not to tell me about him. What to do? Also, please don't be too harsh in your responses. Some of you might think it's stupid that I still care if he might be in serious trouble, but I'm looking to speak about the present and not our painful past. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 Even if he is in serious trouble, what could you do? What would you do? Leave it alone... You are still healing and if it is something horrible, you don't need the drama. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cirilla Posted February 2, 2016 Author Share Posted February 2, 2016 Whoops meant "I" in 1st paragraph. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 what if he's with someone new, getting married or having a baby? what if that was the news? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cirilla Posted February 2, 2016 Author Share Posted February 2, 2016 Even if he is in serious trouble, what could you do? What would you do? Leave it alone... You are still healing and if it is something horrible, you don't need the drama. Well if he was in the hospital or despairing to the point of being suicidal I would want to offer to be there as a friend and make sure the bad blood was put to rest. We were best friends for years and he did a lot to try and make up for hurting me (until he angrily dumped me without warning). I believe there is good in him and that it's not all his fault he was how he was. I don't want him to (god forbid) die or something thinking I will always hate him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cirilla Posted February 2, 2016 Author Share Posted February 2, 2016 what if he's with someone new, getting married or having a baby? what if that was the news? I don't think my friend would bring that up if it was something like that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
266696687 Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 I don't think my friend would bring that up if it was something like that. Of course it could be something like this. Your well meaning friend might be trying to tell you something before you hear it somewhere else. I certainly wouldn't rule out the possibility that he could be engaged or have gotten someone else pregnant. I think you should stick to NC. I know there is a part of you that is hoping this is a good reason to either get in touch with your ex or support him through a rough time but the truth is you are just looking for a reason to reach out. First via a friend and then eventually to him. It's a slippery slope. I can almost guarantee you that whatever it is its not going to be something you want to hear. If your ex was in need (specifically in need of your help or support) he would reach out to you. He has other friends who can support him through whatever he is going through. He shouldn't be your priority anymore and by making him so you'll only end up disappointed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RySant Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 Well, I believe you are aware of your pain capacity. If the above scenario doesn't hurt you one bit then feel free to ask your friend what is the news. Again, eventually, you will be the one to feel whatever it is you'll feel once you heard the news. If you are ready for anything, your friend I believe is just a FB message away 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cirilla Posted February 2, 2016 Author Share Posted February 2, 2016 An excuse to reach out? I I was the one to put down NC and I was the tell him we'd stay NC when he tried to get me back. And I was the one who made sure we didn't talk when I ran into him last month. Only something as serious as a terminal illness or something like that would cause me to contact him again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cirilla Posted February 2, 2016 Author Share Posted February 2, 2016 Sorry for the typos. Stupid phone. I might ask a different friend to just answer yes or no to "is he dying?" and "did he move out of state" and then hear nothing else 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cirilla Posted February 2, 2016 Author Share Posted February 2, 2016 And the "if it was life-threatening, someone would tell me" is the other thought I have. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
266696687 Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 An excuse to reach out? I I was the one to put down NC and I was the tell him we'd stay NC when he tried to get me back. And I was the one who made sure we didn't talk when I ran into him last month. Only something as serious as a terminal illness or something like that would cause me to contact him again. Ok look I'm going to be blunt. If he was dying from a terminal illness and wanted to make amends with you he would have reached out to you directly. If he wanted to talk to you or needed your support he would have reached out to you. If he really wanted you back he would have made more of an effort than sending an email. I'm sorry but I don't know why you are even entertaining the possibility of finding out what's going on his life after so long in NC. He hasn't contacted you. He didn't come and talk to you last month when you ran into him. He hasn't been chasing you or trying to reach you. if he had something he needed to tell you or wanted you to know about HE would tell you. Your friend has piqued your curiosity (unfortunately) and it hasn't done you any favors. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear but why are spending time worrying about a guy who clearly isn't showing any concern or care about you? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
kidm Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 Ok so a little teeny weeny bit of me may understand being concerned about his health (although I agree with comments made so far), but why do you need to know if he has moved out of state? How is that trying to look out for his well-being? Stick with NC. Keep moving forward. Him on his death bed seems like the less-likely scenario and if that were the case, he (or a family member) would reach out if they wanted to let you know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted February 2, 2016 Share Posted February 2, 2016 I don't think my friend would bring that up if it was something like that. i think you should contact said friend and ask him to tell you what it was. will that be you breaking the NC? sure. but that's not necessarily a bad thing. you're not about to reach out to him, you won't stalk him, you won't look him up... it's just an information you're probably curious about. so i'd ask that friend. it can also serve as a way for you to see where you're really at in your healing - will the news make you feel some kind of way or will it leave you indifferent... so if you want to find out - do it. it's just a simple info, don't turn it into more than it actually is. i personally think it could be related to your ex moving on - maybe your friend wanted you to hear it from a FRIEND first, rather than someone else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 (edited) One of my exes actually did die, in an accident shortly after we broke up. I never got to say the things I wished I'd said, in terms of putting bad feelings behind us. We didn't part on good terms, unfortunately. So I understand where you're coming from on that point. But, I think the chances of that are slim. If you want to put your mind at ease, ask the friend if it's something life-threatening. That a simple "yes' or "no" is sufficient as answer. If it is, then decide if you really want to go there. If it's not, then carry on with your life and keep up No Contact. I have a feeling it's more like something your friend didn't want you to hear through the grapevine - could be dating another friend of yours, getting married, has a baby on the way, something that will hurt you. Edited February 3, 2016 by ExpatInItaly 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 3, 2016 Share Posted February 3, 2016 (edited) The less you know about him and his life, the better for you. He's not your boyfriend, and he's no longer an active presence in your life. Invest your energies into those who play an active part in your life. Edited February 3, 2016 by Satu 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cirilla Posted February 5, 2016 Author Share Posted February 5, 2016 Sitting on it for a few days helped. It still sucks to be reminded that he exists and if it was something really serious like an emergency then someone would tell me. Could be something like his grandma dying (though I adore her and wish her well) but who knows. Now that my friend knows I don't want to hear anything he should stop mentioning him to me. Most of my friends already knew not to tell me anything. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 OK but the whole point of NC is to stop thinking about the the ex. Spending hours, days, weeks, months... wondering what the "news" might be after shutting down the messenger, is NOT not thinking about the ex. Call up your friend and ask him what it was he was about to tell you. NC is fair enough, but there is sensible NC, and NC designed to send you mad wondering... Moving to Alaska and never hearing about the ex and meeting no-one who ever knew the ex is great, but when lives intertwine, then strict NC when all your friends know something about the ex, that you don't, is not workable. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts