lalalalalalalala Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 I was talking to my boyfriend online last night when he asmitted to me for the first time that he had been molested as a child. I was in complete shock and I still am. I still love him and in fact I love him more now than anything. But i want to learn how does molestation affect male adults and how I can help him?? Does anyone here know of anygood websites or have ben through this or are with a person that was molested as a child? ? also the way that it happened he never told anyone in all these years..until he broke down and told me last night..but he has never received any help.. I want him to get help but he says he doesn't need it because he is fine now?? How can I help him??? Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 I was molested as a child. It's extremely hard when you tell someone, especially for the first time. You're waiting on that judgement or disappointment to surface because that is what you're afraid of. The only thing I can tell you is to tell him you love him, you're sorry, and if he seems upset offer again that he could talk to someone. It took me 20 years to go to a counselor. I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from my childhood. Don't treat him differently, don't tell anyone unless he tells you you can. Continue to reinforce that you care about him, that he has nothing to be ashamed of. I think its probably harder for guys to be in that situation than women but that's just me. Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 I also agree that it should be harder for men, than women but then again I have never been through it so I would have no idea. I suggest you do a google search or yahoo search for child molestation or somthing like that and see what you can read on. Im sure you can find something to help you. But I also agree do not treat him indifferently. It took a lot to tell you and open up to you. Link to post Share on other sites
NiCoLe20 Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 my x b/f told me this .. and in result he didnt like being kissed on the neck.. i think it was b/c of what happened in his past. i helped him get over it slowly but surely.. just talk to him see if theres anything you can do to help him get over and past it Link to post Share on other sites
No Foolin Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 I agree with the above replies. You should be supportive and not treat him differently. A word of caution: You need to pay attention to what this information does to you. We are all strong people, but some information has the ability to taint and warp us. I was going out with a girl for 3.5 years and she was molested by her brothers, then after a time it became consenual. Her upbringing and victimization played a part in all areas of her life. She never had a stable loving male realtionship, and honestly she is one of the most angry, bitter, self absorbed girl I have ever dated. Without professional help (years of professional help) she is pretty muched doomed to repeat patterns that will take her down the hard road of life. Her story has changed me and the years I had with her were best summed up with this statement (I was in a battle for possession of my soul). But thats not the point. The point is you need to do a self inventory of what you can deal with and what you cannot deal with. There is no shame in admitting that certain things we are unable to handle. Be careful with your sex life and make sure those motivations are pure. MOST IMPORTANT: you can't save him. You can only be supportive. When he feels its time and only when he feels its time he will get the help he needs. I wish you luck, the best of luck. Be supportive but watch your "6" (you butt) Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted February 10, 2005 Share Posted February 10, 2005 There's something so familiar about your post. I just can't put my finger on it. Maybe it's the abundance of ???. Hmm..there's definitely something. Maybe I'll figure it out later. Link to post Share on other sites
jimtash Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 Originally posted by No Foolin I agree with the above replies. You should be supportive and not treat him differently. A word of caution: You need to pay attention to what this information does to you. We are all strong people, but some information has the ability to taint and warp us. I was going out with a girl for 3.5 years and she was molested by her brothers, then after a time it became consenual. Her upbringing and victimization played a part in all areas of her life. She never had a stable loving male realtionship, and honestly she is one of the most angry, bitter, self absorbed girl I have ever dated. Without professional help (years of professional help) she is pretty muched doomed to repeat patterns that will take her down the hard road of life. Her story has changed me and the years I had with her were best summed up with this statement (I was in a battle for possession of my soul). But thats not the point. The point is you need to do a self inventory of what you can deal with and what you cannot deal with. There is no shame in admitting that certain things we are unable to handle. Be careful with your sex life and make sure those motivations are pure. MOST IMPORTANT: you can't save him. You can only be supportive. When he feels its time and only when he feels its time he will get the help he needs. I wish you luck, the best of luck. Be supportive but watch your "6" (you butt) Sounds exactly like my ex. She was molested by her step-father when she was 12 and now at 31, her kids are in foster care and she is 600 miles away living with a 38 year old controlling piece of crap that just got out of jail for forgery. I never judged her for any of it and I really did love her, but in the end all it brought me was misery and heartache because in her own words, "she wasn't used to it" and took off to be with him. Maybe she might see the light one day and get help, I can only hope. And yes I do miss her very much. Link to post Share on other sites
Isabella82 Posted February 11, 2005 Share Posted February 11, 2005 My brother just recently told me that he was as a little child, and then I told him the samething. It was kind of an emotional conversation, but he really didn't seem to want to talk about it much. He is such a great guy, and he just recently got married. I let him know that it wasn't his fault and that he was a little boy, and I was there for him if he needed me. And deep down he knew I understood because I had a similar experience. I told my ex what happened to me, except for I always find guys that are in some way abusive. I have had help in this before, and I really like nice guys, he used to just always say to me that I attract the sex offenders. It was wierd, he accused me of being with his uncle who is a sex offender. I would say just tell him that your there for him, but I doubt he will want to go into much detail. Link to post Share on other sites
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