I feel awful

[ZHguy]

Nothing has gotten better, and in fact I feel lost and confused. There is no one I can turn to, and the one person I did turn to I regret going to, and that person has brushed me off since. I have never not been alone, and have been in and out of depression for the past two years, and am afraid that I'm being plunged back in. I kill myself for very little things, such as not being great with communicating to friends socially. My insecurity has gotten out of control and each little thing makes me find another reason to hate myself. Very rarely the time comes when I get insecure infront of somebody. But this one person who I used to feel very insecure infront of crossed my paths. He's a guy who's name I do not know, he does not know me. He's very attractive and is great with people, with friends and everything else. He's one of those guys that has a number to cry to on whatsapp, and a mate to hang out with, to talk to or to party with. But I got over this, only until he was with somebody I knew who mocked me, and this guy who I'm talking about immaturely laughed/scoffed as well. He's a year younger than me and I thought he didn't know my name and it was humiliating. It made me feel awful, and it is one case of my insecurity. That mixes in with my isolation, and then there's other crap.

 

It's true I do feel worthless, but there is just nothing to turn to. I have a huge workload and can't afford to cry for a half-hour. I can't afford therapy, not the community centre provided one. People have told me things will get better. People have also told me to brush it off. But it's not something that's solvable, because I know it's something wrong with me. If other people had the same problems as I do I have a feeling they could handle it much better than me. I break down each time something happens. Could it be something mentally/psychologically. I don't even know if I'm handling this the right way. It till stings me and my eyes swell up at least every day. I'm not far from turning 19 and this has been a problem well throughout my teenage years. I thought things were meant to get better.

Edited January 26, 2016 by ZHguy

[K2z]

It sounds like you might have some vulnerabilities that are more acute than the average person. Whether that's depression, anxiety, or something else is for someone more qualified to diagnose. I share some of your qualities.

 

There is one distinct ray of sunshine in your equation -- you are unbelievably young. There is an abundance of time to untie any knot-- so be patient with yourself. Realize that the cost of failure in any endeavor is very low for you now, and permit yourself to take some risks.

[preraph]

You didn't say what country you live in, which might help people suggest psychiatric help. If you're in the US and on Obamacare, that provides mental healthcare. If you're in the US and not on any insurance, you go to your county hospital, go to the emergency room and tell them you're feeling dangerously depressed. They will try to work out payment with you but they treat indigents all the time and it won't come as a surprise if you don't pay them. Keep in mind that you can also file bankruptcy if you have to spend all your money to treat your mental health.

 

I can't say what's wrong with you, but it certainly sounds like at least one component is depression, which is very treatable. You have to be willing to take some meds and follow the instructions exactly, report any and all side effects to the doctor and never make any decisions on your own about because there are many kinds and combinations and one works for one person and one works for another and you may have to try different types and/or doses. Also, some have a calming effect more or less immediately, while others may take a few weeks to build up in your system and be much more effective over the long term.

 

You are only 19, so you haven't been out of high school long, and there were resources available through your counselor at the high school, so I feel you are making excuses for not getting help. I do realize having depression makes it very difficult to handle making even small decisions, but this is why you turn yourself over to someone and work with them to help you. Many states have extended health coverage for children through college age.

 

If you're not in the US, you need to say where you are so someone else can advise you from your country. I know UK has mental health programs.

 

If nothing else, do what you would do if you broke an arm. You wouldn't just sit around saying you didn't know what to do. Mental health is just as important, so take action. Good luck.

[ZHguy]

You are only 19, so you haven't been out of high school long, and there were resources available through your counselor at the high school, so I feel you are making excuses for not getting help.

 

Just to clear up the air here, in England we don't have anything similar to the mental health care offered by US schools through 'counsellors'. Mental health support here is absolutely undervalued and where offered, it is relatively bad. I see what you mean though, because when I was offered a counsellor back in my high school in DC, I did cope better, which is why for you to say that I was making excuses doesn't sound completely bizarre to me. But I mean, these troubles started way after I left DC back to England.

Edited January 27, 2016 by ZHguy