being blindsided.

[minimariah]

for all of you who were blindsided... were there really NO signs at all of your partner planning to leave or cheat on you? in retrospect, why do you think you missed & why?

 

can you describe your partner's behavior a week or a month before everything fell apart? just today my colleague told me how she cuddled with her then husband on a porch, staring at the stars, he was kissing her gently... and then dropped the "i'm not happy" bomb on her - out of nowhere.

 

does anyone have similar experiences? where there were obvious signs of affection by your then partner but then they dropped the "truth" bomb on you?

 

thanks.

[basil67]

I've never been blindsided, but I read so many posts of people who say that they were.

 

Almost all of the posts read like: "I didn't see this coming! I mean, we had fights like any couple. We'd break up and get back together and sometimes I'm really jealous and sometimes he verbally abuses me and throws things....but we always made up and it was a great relationship"

 

I think that the signs are almost always there - but so many people don't recognise how bad things have gotten and so the end comes as a surprise.

[SoulCat]

I was completely blindsided, did not see it coming at all.

 

In the morning he walked me to the train station, kissed me goodbye and hopped on his bike to cycle to his office.

I came home that evening where he told me - after much twisting & turning - that he was involved with someone else and was leaving me.

 

I was completely and utterly floored. Knocked for six.

 

 

In retrospect there were a few signs but I just failed to recognise them as I'd never been in that situation before.

 

Having said that, we still had an active sex life and no real relationship problems.

No arguments to speak of, no jealousy fits or previous break-ups.

 

 

Looking back, I guess the fizz had just gone out of it. He found new fizz with someone else.

[minimariah]

In retrospect there were a few signs but I just failed to recognise them as I'd never been in that situation before.

 

thank you for sharing your experience.

 

can you be specific, please -- what were those things... signs... that, after finding out the truth, NOW seem obvious?

 

He found new fizz with someone else.

 

are you still in contact with him? is he still with the new person?

 

if you're in a new relationship - were you able to relax? did it leave any sort of trauma, are you more suspicious, more doubtful? did you ever discuss the topc if being blindsided with your new partner?

[SoulCat]

thank you for sharing your experience.

 

can you be specific, please -- what were those things... signs... that, after finding out the truth, NOW seem obvious?

 

He had mentioned 'his new friend'. A lot.

 

He was never the type of guy to cheat so I didn't really think much of it.

On top of that, she was a colleague and nearly 10 years older than him so I put it down to some sort of professional admiration.

 

Also, for the fortnight or so before he told me of his plans to leave he kept picking fights with me. Usually over nothing special but he'd manage to spoil the mood between us.

 

 

 

are you still in contact with him? is he still with the new person?

 

We keep in contact but only sporadically. There are still a few legal things that need to be completed by him but he's taking his sweet old time. He emails me every so often to inform me of the progress.

 

I don't actually know if he's still with her. I don't ask, I'm past caring.

In a way, for him I hope he is because if they are no longer together, he's had to pay a heavy price for the choices he made.

 

 

if you're in a new relationship - were you able to relax? did it leave any sort of trauma, are you more suspicious, more doubtful? did you ever discuss the topic if being blindsided with your new partner?

 

I guess I will forever be 'damaged goods' where this is concerned.

To minimise the trauma - and believe me, the trauma was very real - I got counseling to help me make sense of things.

I also got prescribed anti-depressants for a while to help me get back on track.

Both helped me a great deal.

 

 

My new partner is fully aware of what happened between my ex husband and me.

However, as much as I love him, I will never be as unguarded as I was with my ex. But, I also refuse to let one bad experience negatively influence my other relationship(s) as best I can.

 

That's sometimes easier said than done though, it's still work in progress.

Edited January 26, 2016 by SoulCat

[DrMario]

After reading this thread, I have decided to remain single for the rest of my days or at least until society gets it's act together, nobody is safe....

[BC1980]

I wasn't surprised that my ex left me, but the way and time it happened shocked me. He acted so totally normal for the weeks preceding. He pulled a real fast one on me the day before though. For a few weeks, he had been making a big deal about how he was finally ready to get married, so he wanted to sign us up to start the premarital counseling at our church. He said we needed to go ahead and do it so we could get married that summer. The day before, he drops the bomb that it was actually a counseling session to break up with me, but he wanted to go ahead and do it the day before. It was a true WTF moment if I've ever had one.

 

I was blindsided, but I wasn't surprised. Does that make sense? I knew we had some issues, but I never knew how deep they were for him. He never overtly conveyed that to me. I never knew our problems were a deal breaker. Looking back, it seems obvious, but he could be very convincing when he wanted to. But yeah, his method was unnecessarily cruel and one thing I haven't forgotten.

[minimariah]

For a few weeks, he had been making a big deal about how he was finally ready to get married, so he wanted to sign us up to start the premarital counseling at our church. He said we needed to go ahead and do it so we could get married that summer. The day before, he drops the bomb that it was actually a counseling session to break up with me, but he wanted to go ahead and do it the day before. It was a true WTF moment if I've ever had one.

 

wow, i have no words.

[FTM042014]

Labor Day weekend she was upset that I wasn't able to get there Saturday as planned. She got kind of "sad" actually. More like disappointment. She said via text, "just make sure you get here early tomorrow". Spent Sunday into Monday together. It all seemed fine. I left Monday evening because I like to be home and chill out before the work week starts. She was jokingly upset about that. By Thursday she dumped me. No longer had that "giddy" feeling she said. I was dumbfounded. She even had plans for me to stay over and see her off to work Friday morning.

 

Looking back she did display small signs but she was going through some stuff with having to find a new job and a court date due to a ticket she got so I chalked it all up to that. She was a little less talkative over the phone that week. But she was still texting me good morning every day as usual. Even the day she dumped me. So somewhere between Monday and Thursday evening she decided she was no longer giddy about me. I was devastated and this was only a 2 month relationship. But we moved way too fast and got serious too early.

 

About a month later she said she wasn't over the last guy she dated. She didn't want him anymore just wasn't past it. She never went back to that guy but ended up with a completely different ex that she is still with now I'm assuming.

[BC1980]

wow, i have no words.

 

To this day, it's still one of those WTF moments. I honestly think that the utter shock of it traumatized me for months. I woke up one morning, thinking I was going to marry this guy, and I ended the night by calling my mom to come help me move out. I wonder if that is why the thought of getting into another relationships scares me so much. I get that there is no good way to break up with someone, but his method seemed especially cruel and unnecessary. And the fact that he was going to use the supposed premarital counseling session to do the breaking up? Ugh.

 

I looked back and tried to remember any signs. I really couldn't see anything different. Instead, I realized that the signs were always there, at a constant ebb and flow.

Edited February 1, 2016 by BC1980

[Woggle]

I should have seen it coming because the marriage was a trainwreck before I caught her cheating but seeing her in bed with another man was still a shocker.

[RySant]

After reading this thread, I have decided to remain single for the rest of my days or at least until society gets it's act together, nobody is safe....

 

I definitely seconded! I am very much affected by SoulCat's story. I generally hate surprises. Now I have a special kind of surprise to dread.

[darkbloom]

for all of you who were blindsided... were there really NO signs at all of your partner planning to leave or cheat on you? in retrospect, why do you think you missed & why?

 

can you describe your partner's behavior a week or a month before everything fell apart? just today my colleague told me how she cuddled with her then husband on a porch, staring at the stars, he was kissing her gently... and then dropped the "i'm not happy" bomb on her - out of nowhere.

 

does anyone have similar experiences? where there were obvious signs of affection by your then partner but then they dropped the "truth" bomb on you?

 

thanks.

 

So the month before we broke up was the best month of our entire relationship.

 

The prior months there were signs that he was cheating but I chose to ignore the red flags and trust him.

 

I now believe that the entire month was fueled by guilt and martyrdom. I think he felt so guilty by what he had done that he went in the opposite direction with me to prove to himself that he wasn't a bad boyfriend. Or a bad person. It was almost like if he acted perfect, it would make up for what he had done and fix everything. Things were going so well that I did not think to question his motive.

 

Truth always comes out.

[Emaize3]

Totally blindsided. Everything was great.. So I thought. Only 2 weeks before were some very subtle hints but even then he said everything was fine and I still got an "I love you". Devastated to say the least.

[minimariah]

I get that there is no good way to break up with someone, but his method seemed especially cruel and unnecessary. And the fact that he was going to use the supposed premarital counseling session to do the breaking up? Ugh.

 

it is cruel. & you're right -- it's about him and his character - when you run into someone like that... it's hard to see the "signs" until the very end. you realize it's literally a part of his DNA & there were no signs because that kind of thought process and behavior are natural to him... so there is never that "typical change" or that shift that tells you something is off.

 

you've been handling it very well, you seem well balanced & very mature -- judging from what i've read from you so far... so - well done.

 

i understand your fear completely - sometimes, we get over the person but it takes a lot longer to get over the actual situation and that element of surprise. always leaves you with a permanent doubt, isn't it?

 

I definitely seconded! I am very much affected by SoulCat's story. I generally hate surprises. Now I have a special kind of surprise to dread.

 

ahhhhh, Ry. i was just reading your thread and you are SO much like me! haha. i've heard so many bad stories... about dumping, cheating, lying, stealing... you name it. and it's like... you can't UNhear them.

 

it's very hard to be optimistic and to believe in love and just let yourself fall IN love. i always think about that XY couple that was so seemingly happy & good together and they fell apart.

 

i'm not bothered by those relationships which were obviously dead - but those relationships that had active sex life, active social life, kindness and affection between two people, shared interests and hobbies and BOOM. you find out someone is having an affair and leaving.

 

it literally comes out of nowhere. THAT is what i find scary..

 

I now believe that the entire month was fueled by guilt and martyrdom. I think he felt so guilty by what he had done that he went in the opposite direction with me to prove to himself that he wasn't a bad boyfriend.

 

it absolutely makes sense. it's like, they know they'll dump you so they put on the best partner ever mask in order to somehow soften the blow (in their minds) until they just can't take it anymore. it's like they act until they finally crack.

 

it's quite amazing how capable people are of deception.

[Wewon]

I've never been blindsided myself, however, I truly empathize with people that were.

 

Eventhough I suspect that if I as an objective 3rd party could probably spot "signs" if I could review the relationship, I don't think its quite that easy to spot those same signs when you're in a relationship dealing with the day-to-day ups and downs. I think that its not fair to expect someone to be ever vigilant to check out signs when you consider that the other person was likely trying to muffle said signs as well as rationalizing any inconsistencies.

 

If there is one thing that I think people learn in their 20s is that insecurity and flinching at every yawn or late work day is a taboo in itself. Noone wants to be with a partner that can't handle a bump in the road or who is constantly wringing their hands.

 

That's why I think that direct communication is so important, unless you like the idea of someone constantly taking your temperature.

[TunaCat]

There was absolutely NO sign that my ex was about to blindside me. Just the day before, we had talked about attending his best friends wedding and how excited we were for them. He told me that he couldn't wait for our wedding day (we were not engaged, but we had talked about it a LOT)

 

The next day he was at work and then he had his weekly evening work event. I was excited to talk to him when he was done like we always did.

 

Except this time, when he called, everything crashed down around me. I had NO clue he was about to shatter my heart. I thought we had excellent communication.

[RySant]

Ghad, this thread is making me seriously depressed. How can things like these happen? I mean, why?! Why does people like them exist? How is it hard to be honest and not brutal and cruel?

[FTM042014]

Ghad, this thread is making me seriously depressed. How can things like these happen? I mean, why?! Why does people like them exist? How is it hard to be honest and not brutal and cruel?

 

Two possibilities here:

 

1. Perhaps this type of person does not intentionally do this. I doubt that they have this nefarious plan to break you down from day 1or that they're putting all of their effort into an elaborate long con. It feels like being blindsided from those of us who are the victim but to them this is something they have wrestled with for days, weeks or even months. I can imagine that it is a very difficult decision to come to especially if you genuinely care for the person you know you have to hurt. The biggest problem with this type of person is the lack of communication early on. As soon as something is amiss, before it is at critical failure status, talk to me about stuff. Don't just let it pile up and fester within you while acting like business as usual. These people are horrible communicators and there is no excuse for that. I don't blame my ex for having a change of heart. How can I debate how she feels? I do blame her for not communicating with me.

 

2. Some people are just a bunch of selfish f**ks. You're unlucky enough to have ended up with one or if you find yourself ending up with emotionally unavailable partners over and over again, you need to do some work on you. We attract what we put out there.

 

For me it is about 75% number one and 25% number two.

 

People are meant to be in your life for a season. Seasons change. I believe we can have more than one great love in our lifetimes. That does not mean that one is better than the other. Just different.

[The Poster]

Labor Day weekend she was upset that I wasn't able to get there Saturday as planned. She got kind of "sad" actually. More like disappointment. She said via text, "just make sure you get here early tomorrow". Spent Sunday into Monday together. It all seemed fine. I left Monday evening because I like to be home and chill out before the work week starts. She was jokingly upset about that. By Thursday she dumped me. No longer had that "giddy" feeling she said. I was dumbfounded. She even had plans for me to stay over and see her off to work Friday morning.

 

Looking back she did display small signs but she was going through some stuff with having to find a new job and a court date due to a ticket she got so I chalked it all up to that. She was a little less talkative over the phone that week. But she was still texting me good morning every day as usual. Even the day she dumped me. So somewhere between Monday and Thursday evening she decided she was no longer giddy about me. I was devastated and this was only a 2 month relationship. But we moved way too fast and got serious too early.

 

About a month later she said she wasn't over the last guy she dated. She didn't want him anymore just wasn't past it. She never went back to that guy but ended up with a completely different ex that she is still with now I'm assuming.

 

Heh. This happened to me at the end of 2014. Very similar situation. Instant chemistry and strong connection. The best I've ever had. Two month relationship. Moved very fast. The whole deal.

 

Only difference is I wasn't blindsided. She did a 180 for two weeks before she pulled the trigger. Became distant. Picking fights. Acting cold. I knew she was walking away. A small part of me was hoping it was just stress from her not being able to find a job, but it wasn't. When she ended it she just said she felt like we didn't fit all that well. I said ok, thanked her for her time, and wished her well. The following three months were some of the worst pain I've ever felt.

 

Based on experience and reading other threads, distancing, acting cold, and picking fights over small things are always the big signs that a breakup could be coming. Same thing happened with my first girlfriend. That one was two years, but in the end she showed those same signs.