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So much all at once...


Jack1234

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If you read my post "So Torn" in the breaking up section, it will give you more insight to my recent breakup, but so much more has crashed down at me all at once. I lived in a Yoga commune for almost a year after not fitting into the "real world" after grad school. I made a ton a friends, ate healthy, obviously did a lot of yoga, and had never felt more healthy and confident by the end of the summer. My plan was to stay until the holidays and then start a Ph.D. program this winter (of which I just started). I even met a girl whom I became madly in love with, despite having many girls show interest in me at the time. Things looked so bright, I felt like the world was mine to conquer.

 

That's when everything started going downhill. The house I was staying at became foreclosed and I was forced to leave the commune. I moved into my parents house, kind of stuck in limbo for a couple of months before school started. It was so strange being back in normal society, especially since I didn't have a tight-nit group of friends, healthy food always available, and a purpose. This made me exponentially more reliant on my ex, who was long distance now. We made plans to see each other and she kept telling me how excited she was up until the day of my flight. But when I arrived, I could tell something was wrong. Long story short, she broke up with me for her ex while I was staying there and it tore me up. I ended with nasty words and we both were very hurt. I came back home, and for about two months I wallowed in regret and self-pity. I tried so hard to distract my mind with exercise, learning new skills, etc. but the heartache and loneliness were too much to overcome. Somehow, I forced myself to stick with the Ph.D. program and here I am.

 

I can't think straight. I constantly ask myself if I should stay or go, even though I just accepted several grants and loans. I can't even get myself to go to the grocery store and I'm slowly wasting away. I can't stop thinking about her, despite recently coming to the conclusion she was using me the whole time. Some days I literally just lay on the floor of my apartment, wondering when this mental anguish will end. Everything has compounded on me, and I'm scared I'll never be the same again. I've never felt more lonely, lost and pathetic in my life, and it has been going on for three months now. I know there's no magic cure, and I've read all sorts of self-help articles for these situations, but I can't seem to hold onto motivation for any significant amount of time. Please, any words of inspiration of empathy would be greatly appreciated. I don't know what else could possibly help at this point.

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