Emotions all over...

[LetGGOO]

My emotions are all over. A song makes me cry, a movie makes me laugh, anything happens really. For the most part, I feel okay - I enjoy moments when I don't feel anything (until I realize I'm not feeling anything and then remember why I care about why I'm feeling that way and bla bla).

 

Uhh 7 days post BU, feel like my life with him (8yrs) was out of a reality show. I've recently discovered that he has BPD (or tendencies thereof) and that I'm too much of a caregiver in relationships, it bothers me to think about. It also scares me. I wonder what it's going to feel like to be in a 'normal' relationship because apparently I've gotten used to highly intense loaded relationships - according to my research I have walked past normal relationship because they seemed boring. I apprently get a rise out of fixing people because of my abandonment issues. Deep. I know. I'm still processing all of this. Gna work on it though - determined to.

 

I don't want him back. We are in low contact right now...because of how long we've known each other, I know for a fact that we are a terrible pair relationship wise, but when I am better and have completely healed, I feel like I may be able to maintain a friendship. I wonder though...I'm just over being angry and EFF U, EFF U, at the end of the day, the romantic s*** didn't work, it's been almost 10yrs, when I'm okay later I really won't mind being good friends. Cut all the BS you know. I say all this because he proposed staying in each others lives in some way. I told him to wait until I've healed. Said he understands. It's tricky.... but hey. C'est la vie.

[CripplingMe]

I was the caregiver also in my previous relationship, you could say it was toxic almost, as it was unhealthy for me ultimately. I ended my 5 year relationship a few weeks ago, it was the hardest thing i've ever done in my life - to let go of someone I loved and still love.

 

I also completed resonated with what you said about highly intense loaded relationships. The one I ended was definitely that and I knew it massively f*cked up my self-esteem in the end. Prior to that relationship, I was in a 'normal' relationship for 8 years with a good, respectful, loving and placid guy - i got bored of his predictability in the end, but ultimately it was because we were sexually incompatible. Then what do you know, in this last relationship, the sex was full on and passionate, the alpha male, yet lacked the qualities I had in my other relationship. I will admit I was and to some degree, addicted to him.

 

I knew I was addicted to him at that point when he dumped me for a second time and I took him back. This was 12 months ago. I took him back because I loved him and was still in love with him, so why would i question getting back with him? I didn't think about risk, i didn't think about whether he would do it again, I instantly knew I wanted him back in my life. He made a very convincing case when he came to me like a knight in shining armour. Shortly after we got back together, I found out he slept with some 18 year old a couple of days after he dumped me. She text his phone and I saw her name flash up on the screen. He became angry and upset because he told her to leave him alone because he was getting back with me. That broke me completely apart. I felt sick, yet I still stuck with him because I loved him and knew it was just sex, but little did I knew several months down the line, that text was the death knell of our relationship, I just didn't know it at the time or over the proceeding months.

 

I too have abandonment issues - parents divorced when i was 8. I never once left my 5 year relationship despite all the 5hit i went through (supported him when he had a gambling problem, when he went through a depression, when he went through a period of drinking alot). I stuck by him like a fly to 5hit. I was in part scared of being alone, but my love for him made me more addicted to him, or the pain, i honestly dont know. I was a massive care giver and enabler and i suffered detrimentally. It was only a few weeks before Christmas, after continued giving to sustain the r'ship (we were long distance for 4 years of it), my heart finally caved in. All them hairline fractures finally became one big fracture and it broke my spirit.

 

I wanted to be friends too you know, but for him it was too painful. The hope he had for reconciliation was paining him massively. He still couldn't cut the ties though as he admitted I had a massive hold on him. But today that all ended.

 

Did you end the relationship? How often have you two broken up?

 

Im genuinely interested to hear your story as I find it very reassuring to hear that our stories are so alike..............

[LetGGOO]

I was the caregiver also in my previous relationship, you could say it was toxic almost, as it was unhealthy for me ultimately. I ended my 5 year relationship a few weeks ago, it was the hardest thing i've ever done in my life - to let go of someone I loved and still love.

 

I also completed resonated with what you said about highly intense loaded relationships. The one I ended was definitely that and I knew it massively f*cked up my self-esteem in the end. Prior to that relationship, I was in a 'normal' relationship for 8 years with a good, respectful, loving and placid guy - i got bored of his predictability in the end, but ultimately it was because we were sexually incompatible. Then what do you know, in this last relationship, the sex was full on and passionate, the alpha male, yet lacked the qualities I had in my other relationship. I will admit I was and to some degree, addicted to him.

 

I knew I was addicted to him at that point when he dumped me for a second time and I took him back. This was 12 months ago. I took him back because I loved him and was still in love with him, so why would i question getting back with him? I didn't think about risk, i didn't think about whether he would do it again, I instantly knew I wanted him back in my life. He made a very convincing case when he came to me like a knight in shining armour. Shortly after we got back together, I found out he slept with some 18 year old a couple of days after he dumped me. She text his phone and I saw her name flash up on the screen. He became angry and upset because he told her to leave him alone because he was getting back with me. That broke me completely apart. I felt sick, yet I still stuck with him because I loved him and knew it was just sex, but little did I knew several months down the line, that text was the death knell of our relationship, I just didn't know it at the time or over the proceeding months.

 

I too have abandonment issues - parents divorced when i was 8. I never once left my 5 year relationship despite all the 5hit i went through (supported him when he had a gambling problem, when he went through a depression, when he went through a period of drinking alot). I stuck by him like a fly to 5hit. I was in part scared of being alone, but my love for him made me more addicted to him, or the pain, i honestly dont know. I was a massive care giver and enabler and i suffered detrimentally. It was only a few weeks before Christmas, after continued giving to sustain the r'ship (we were long distance for 4 years of it), my heart finally caved in. All them hairline fractures finally became one big fracture and it broke my spirit.

 

I wanted to be friends too you know, but for him it was too painful. The hope he had for reconciliation was paining him massively. He still couldn't cut the ties though as he admitted I had a massive hold on him. But today that all ended.

 

Did you end the relationship? How often have you two broken up?

 

Im genuinely interested to hear your story as I find it very reassuring to hear that our stories are so alike..............

 

Hi. Thanks for sharing your story. I posted my full story a couple of days ago under "Breaks and Breaking Up"...it's titled "4th breakup in 8 years - WHAT IS THIS!! FUTURE FAKED". As you read it you will get to know exactly what happened.

 

Sorry you had to go through all this. But yes, you're not alone. Your story is very similar to mine. I completely relate when you say you were addicted to him, I think I felt the same way. All the s#it I put up with was because I was addicted to our highs. I remember him and I actually had a conversation once where we both acknowledged that he "sells dreams" that he often can't live up to. I remember he was shocked because he said two more people had said that about him. Now that I look back I can see there was a clear pattern. When you're in the relationship, everything is so foggy and even though you have that inkling that something isn't right, the 'love' blinds you like hell.

 

Him and I are still LC and the info we have thus far exchanged has been very factual. "where is that", "what have you done with this document"...etc etc. We had a 2.5 year break in the midst of all the ups and downs where I had enforced 100% NC - for the most part he left me alone but that is probably because we were countries apart - he was emailing but after some time I wouldn't even open any mail that came though, just delete, delete. I ended up happy, dating, good times really... Until we were in the same city again and reconnected. SMH

 

Now I don't know how it's gna go this time but I rest assured in the fact that now I KNOW that I have extreme caregiver traits and that he has BPD traits and so it would VERY stupid to indulge in anything that smells like a 'relationship'. It does come across my mind though that he'd probably want to be intimate again (BPDers have a strong tendency to keep coming back) and that the 'friendship' will be painful for him - I don't know. We'll see... At the moment he seems strong, he says he can be completely platonic - he asked for it not me, I'm okay with it. I hope he doesn't crumble. Yikes.

 

Oh as you'll see in my other thread, the 4th and last break-up, we were about to move in together, a week or so prior (everything done and paid for), he backed out and said he was scared of losing his space and independence!!!!!!!!!!!! I said EFF you, its either you suck up your 'commitmentphobeness' lol and we make the move, or this RS ends, and this time for REAL. He chose for it to end. So here we are.