Goodbyes and farewells

[freebird31]

i figured i get this out of me before i block it out forever, before my brain finds a way to block this out because it is too painful. i figured i just write about, talk about it one last time, before i feel numbness again. Well my ex has moved on to someone new now. He is in a relationship with her. God knows how much i cared about him and how much love i had for him. Which is part of why it took me a long time to get over him (almost going on 3 years). I think I was hurt this way, this bad maybe because i would have held on forever if it didnt end this way.

 

Well he didnt move on to just any girl. I remember when we were first dating. I remember he would always make comments about Asian girls. Here and there. I am not Asian. I am actually Latina. He is Latino as well. But i remember there were times when he would say these small things, which at the time i didnt make anything of, about how he loved Asian women. I remember one time he said he would have first wanted to date Asians, then Latinas, then Caucasion women, in that order. At the time, i just brushed it off that he said. Even though yes it kinda stung. Like why was he with me then? If i was second on his list of preferred races. I was dumb and too crazy about him to speak up. So i was quiet. He said something like this twice. ANd the second time, i stayed quiet again. I just made nothing of it.

 

After we broke up. I stalked his page for a long time. I saw that he would follow these accounts of Asian models. For a long time after I compared myself to Asian women. Which is crazy, right. That i stooped to that level to compare my own self to an entire race. I just felt like i wasnt enough for a long time. I have a lot of Asian friends, and deep down I would always just observe them and wonder what it was that they had that i didnt have. That wasn't enough to make it first on his list. This sounds so ridiculous but this is exactly what I did. Anyway, i got over it after a while. I thought perhaps maybe he just had a fantasy for Asian women. Asian women are beautiful so I dont think it wasnt possible.

 

Anyway, there is a point to this.

 

It is so crazy. because it took me a long time to get over him. It could be because he was my first love, of course that is a part of it. But more so than that, it was because i completely adored the guy. I adored all the small things about him. His laugh, to his dorky comments, the smallest things he would do/say would make me fall for him more and more. I was completely smitten by him. I dont think i have ever laughed that hard with anyone else. I didnt just love having a boyfriend, or loving having someones company all the time, but i adored his spirit, his personality, i adored all the small things that made him, him.

 

At the time he was worth the wait for me. So i was naive enough to wait for a long time. Even when there were times when i wanted so desperately to let go, myheart just couldnt and wouldnt. He broke it off with me because he said that he didnt want a relationship anymore. So my brain, my heart, everything that so desperately wanted and missed him, told me that he just wasnt ready. And he would one day come back.

 

We did not remain friends and we cut off all ties. There was no contact. on the accounts of maybe 3 times in the last almost-three years now. So we were not very involved in eachothers life.

 

For the next 2 years he presumed to send me mixed signals after the breakup, or what i thought were mixed signals. Actually, were just signs i was reading entirely wrong, but at the time i wanted to believe these were mixed signals. That he was just confused. So i believed, really believed he just wasnt ready. He just wasnt ready. These "mixed signals" went along the lines of accidentally liking my pictures (we werent friends on social media) then unliking my pictures. Silly things like that.

 

I cant forget the two occasions where i ran into his mother and two brothers. I thought these were signs for some reason. I really believed these were signs. Signs telling me we were going to be together again someday.

 

I held on for along time so desperately, pathetically even, like a fool. Anyway, it wasnt until this last summer. When i was just done with all these "mixed signals" and i sent him this letter telling him I wasnt okay with how everything ended. I sent him a long letter, asking for peace. I wanted closure. It wasnt an overly emotional letter, i made sure of it. I just told him that I wasnt okay with how he handled the break up and that I would like for us to have peace. I sent him this letter on facebook as a message (again, not friends on social media). Well, if you know facebook you know that it tells you when someone has "seen" a message. Well he did in fact see my message. But he chose to never reply.

 

I dont think i have ever been more angry that whole week after i sent the message. i was angry. You know, in that moment i thought, "how could someone do that to someone else? Just ignore them?" It hurt you know. But for me, that was a part of my closure. It was when i knew it was over. It was when i knew i was wrong in some ways about what he felt about me.

 

Then a few months went by. And i was curious so i looked up his social media. There was a girl posted on there. After, i saw that, i just kind of lost it in that moment. I remember just running to the bathroom and vommitting. The stress that it caused after seeing that was too much for me physically. But after some weeks, i got over it. After some time, i just felt numb. My brains way of telling me that was enough.

 

That was in July. 5-6 months ago. Well, i have now found out that they are in a relatioship together. Crazy, right? I just couldnt figure it out all along, you know. Over the years none of it ever made sense to me. Nothing ever added up to me. Not because I was in denial, but because I just believed something that was not true. I believed that he didnt want a relationship, that he just wasnt ready, and that he was going to come back. I truly believed that. Maybe in some ways you can call that denial.

 

I told a friend about this. And she was real straight with me. She told me "It is not that he did not want a relationship. It is that he did not relationship with YOU." Ouch. After she said this, i don't think ive ever felt a greater pain. Writing this, i dont feel much pain. i think my brain, my body, my heart and soul has had enough to the point where it has blocked away all the pain. Even as i am writing this, i still find a way to compartmentalize the pain and store it away. So i am thinking about it, writing about this situation, but i am not really opening the door all the way to the pain if that makes sense. idk.

 

Anyway, Even after all of this. This wasnt the worst part. The worst part is that the girl he is with is a catch. she is a professional skateboarder. She is 3 years older than both my ex and I. She is educated and pursuing a masters degree right now. And she is half Latina, half Asian.

 

It is crazy to me. Because i think that the way my ex handled the situation was pretty messed up. But after everything, even after he was a jerk to me, after he was an ******* by ignoring my messages. my attempts at peace and closure, in the end he is the one who moved on before me. not just with anyone, but with someone he probably doesnt even deserve.

 

I just dont think its fair. Well, i know that life isnt fair. I know life brings a lot of joy and pain. But this is past unfair, this is unjust.

 

Im okay now. like i said, its been a long time. And somehow my heart and brain has found a way to block away the pain and bury it into the depths of my mind. And its a place that i just cant visit right now, maybe not anymore at all. Im jsut too tired. and my heart cant bear the pain anymore. It just can't, its falling weak. and the pain is exhaustingly unbearable when i think of those things.

 

So what i will do now. Is close this door forever. This door that i held open for too long. For so many years. Just like there is life and there is death. There are beginnings and there are ends. This is the end. In fact, it had been the end for a long time. I just was never aware of it. I just didnt know it. I didnt want to believe it. But i do now.

 

Goodbye, C. goodbye

Edited January 12, 2016 by freebird31

[whichwayisup]

It's good you see this now. And, I have to say just because things didn't work out with you doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you! 1st loves rarely work out forever...Keep that in mind.

 

I hate that you doubted yourself. Don't let ANY MAN ruin your self worth and confidence.

[BC1980]

I really hope this is the last time you write about this guy, and I really hope you stop following his life on social media. Maybe the fact that he is in another relationship is what it will take to get you to see the facts.

[Nightwriter]

I'm in the middle of coping with a loss of a LTR to someone I loved deeply like you, someone I had visions would be the one, but it's been only a few months for me.

 

I'm curious, in the last three years, did you date anyone else? Were you in any other relationships?

 

For me, I tried dating even a couple of months after she left me for another man. I had no desire to do it and thought it was too early, but it did help me even though none of them worked out.

 

It's an unfortunate truth, but for many people, I don't think you can truly get over an ex until your heart is filled with a new person that you love as deeply.

[freebird31]

I'm in the middle of coping with a loss of a LTR to someone I loved deeply like you, someone I had visions would be the one, but it's been only a few months for me.

 

I'm curious, in the last three years, did you date anyone else? Were you in any other relationships?

 

For me, I tried dating even a couple of months after she left me for another man. I had no desire to do it and thought it was too early, but it did help me even though none of them worked out.

 

It's an unfortunate truth, but for many people, I don't think you can truly get over an ex until your heart is filled with a new person that you love as deeply.

 

Yes about a year and a half ago, I did date someone. I really liked the guy. And it was going somewhere. But the problem was I wasn't over my ex and it caused a lot of problems. I just wasn't ready to date yet and move on

 

Now, I'm in a completely different place. And if the opportunity came I would be more than ready. In fact, I think I have been ready for a long time. Ever since I sent that letter 6 months ago and did not get a response, I sensed it was over for good.

 

I just haven't met the right person yet. Or haven't put myself out there enough to meet the right person. But I do agree with you. If you asked me two years ago, I could never imagine myself being as happy with anyone else as I was with my ex. That was my mentality.

 

But it's a different story now. And I agree, when you move on with someone else who you love just as deeply, if not more deeply than the old person, the old person will start to become irrelevant. But for me, I had to be ready and healed enough for it otherwise i don't think it would work out so easily for me

Edited January 13, 2016 by freebird31