Questioning my own decision as the dumper

[CripplingMe]

I think it's pretty normal to question if you have made the right decision, as the dumper that is. Logic would suggest I did, but emotionally, im anchoring on what I missed with him.

 

12 months ago I posted on this forum as the dumpee. It wasn't the first time I had been dumped either. The first time I think he got cold feet (after 2 and half years) and wanted to play around a bit (he was only 25 at the time). He was respectful about it and I, displaying typical codependent behaviour, didn't want him to leave me. We have been long distance for the majority of our 5 year relationship, and it was I, that made the effort over all them years to travel to see him. I was devastated when he did it the first time - a week before my final exams at University. A few weeks after my exams, i moved to be closer to him, to win him back. Eventually I did.

 

Over the proceeding 2 years, we grew much more closer together, it kind of solidified the love we had. Then, this time last year, he began to suffer from depression. He started university and realised he made a terrible mistake. He emotionally punished himself for it because he was under so much pressure from his family, and himself to find out what his path was in life. He began drinking alot, and he also gambled the majority of his student loan. He gambled it to the point he had no money, and then I supported him for 3 months financially so he didn't sink. I didn't tell his family as he was ashamed as it was that he gambled all his student loan. He was 26 at the time. His depression became deeper, and he began to withdraw from me emotionally. This was exactly 12 months ago. He ended the relationship again because he said he couldnt give me the love I wanted, if he didn't love himself. I was distraught and grief stricken, and the pain seemed so much deeper the 2nd time around. For 3 weeks, I did the NC to help me move on, but I was depressed myself and was unemployed at the time. After 4 weeks, he turned up at my house out of the blue and said he hugely regretted what he did and begged for me to take him back. I did, without question, because I did genuinely adore him.

 

For the majority of our relationship, my ex didn't work. He had short stints of work here and there, but i'd say 70% of it, he didn't. During those times he was supported financially by his parents, and me a lot of the time. I knew all along I was codependent and I lived and breathed him all the time. He was literally like heroin to me. I adored the man.

 

After we got back the second time, I was much more fragile, especially finding out that he had had sex with an 18 year old girl all weekend at his student accommodation, whilst I was at his mums crying with grief because I didn't want us to end. It took a while for me to get over that pain (which i found out after we got back together). In August last year, he decided to start his own business. Kudos to him because he is an incredible artist, and he used his talent to make money. He made most of his money at the weekends, but the weekends had always been ours as a couple over the previous 5 years. Now the weekends were taken up by his business and quality time as a couple evaporated. I would still visit him every other weekend, but I would help him with his business. In effect, I was working 7 days a week. It was only Saturday nights that we had quality time together.

 

Over the course of a few months, and with the constant travelling by myself after working a full week, paying for the travel to see him, I began to feel neglected and incredibly unhappy. Our plan was to move in together, and always has been really, but it's always been an issue of money - the fact he was never happy in a job he was in and never found what his true passion was. So that, prevented us from creating a home and me moving to be with him. I think it's only fair that there are two incomes when moving in together.

 

It was during this period of time when he was working weekends, that I began to get emotionally close to someone else. In the 5 years I was with him, I never cheated, let breathed amongst another man. I was resolutely faithful to a guy whom, I knew deep down cheated on me (he's one of them charming, incredibly good looking guys who is a bit of a wild one if the alcohol permits). Despite the neglect and lack of support and commitment from him, I stood by him faithfully all the way. Yet, this other guy came into my life, and over the course of a few months, I was identifying someone who was much more compatible with me on paper. He was also 5 years older than me (im 35), and my ex was 7 years younger than me. Throughout this time of getting to know him, I was very much aware of my emotions and being very rational about the situation. I didn't cheat, but I was becoming much more emotionally invested in someone else who thought the sun shone out of my ar5e. Not to put too finer point on it. He was generous, respectful, liked travelling (myself and my ex never had a weekend, or holiday away because he could never afford to), was self sufficient, conservative, not a drinker, introverted etc. The opposite to my ex. He made me feel very special and respected. He told his family about me and knew he was falling for me. That really fooked my head up.

 

I was torn between someone I genuinely loved, was energetic, fun (sense of humour wise we bounced off each other) and I had invested in the relationship for 5 years. Then there was someone else, who appeared out of nowhere, showing me the potential of what life could be like with someone who liked to go the gallery, for meals, go on holidays, have 'fun'. Someone who liked buying gifts for me and was a true gentleman. He has been single fro 3 years.

 

During Christmas, my then boyfriend came to stay with me, it had been planned for some time. By the time he arrived on December 23rd, full of enthusiasm, bearing food to prepare for our christmas dinner, I knew I had emotionally broken away from him partly. I ended the relationship on December 23rd. He did stay the following 5 days, as he didn't want to go, and he certainly didnt want me to end the relationship.

 

A day after I ended it, I immediately regretted it and told him this. I even emailed his mum whom was practically my adopted mother. She was very undestanding of the situation and has always supported us both when we have split up previously.

 

He was incredibly hurt, understandably, and this time he dangled the proverbial carrott with me, deliberating what to do because he was sick with grief about what happened. I was confused as to 'why' it would take him time to decide over a woman in his life who had stuck by him and adored him consistently. Anyhow, it came to ahead a few days ago when he text me asking what was happening because he said he cant suffer like he is anymore. He cant live without me and loves me, and that if I truly adored him, then I would move up to be with him. In other words, why was I waiting for him to earn a salary for us to get a place together - why didn't I just get a job up there to be closer to him? Did he have a point? I don't know, and that's what I am stuck at. In my home town, i have a very good salary, a nice home, a few but quality friends, and I didn't want to make the move until he was financially stable.

 

He was incredibly hurt and angry that i was appearing 'indifferent' via text and said he hasn't eaten property for days. He gave me the impression he needed time to think logically about what happened.

 

I don't know. Now I'm crying because we fell out, he's angry and isn't talking to me anymore.

 

I just needed to vent, I'm sorry.

[DrMario]

I don't know what to suggest to you, it seems like a very hard situation to be in, he cheated though so I don't think he should be all toi surprised that your smitten with a guy who treats you right, it sounds like you have had a long hard road, I can only imagine you must feel emotionally exhausted at this point, I can't say I've ever been in a situation like this before, but if by chance I ever was, I think I would be on my own for quite some time before I decided to start fresh in a new relationship.

[prlncess]

Personally, I'd slowly try to just let him go. I feel like your time is beyond over with your ex, and you will be completely better off with the mature man. He will fulfill you with what you've ever wanted, provide you with things that your ex cannot give you.

 

I can't believe that after all you've done for your ex, he goes and does all those things to you! It seems like he's just taken you for granted, and now that you want to leave, he is just like a little kid throwing a tantrum, or rather, manipulating you to not to go?

 

I am also stuck in a less extreme and shorter version of your situation. I am currently in university as is my bf. He is a gamer, and will gladly spend his free time on the computer, pointlessly clicking his mouse away. He is lazy and is not bothered with finding a part time job, or experience, plus saying that a job in the fast food industry (which is easy to obtain and common for uni students in our area to have) is too "dirty" for him, that he wouldn't want to clean their toilets.

Talk about self proclaimed superiority right? Also he is doing an arts degree which i doubt would help him getting a well-off job.

Thus, with all of these negative qualities (plus a lot of other ones), i do not believe i will have a future with this guy.

 

Unfortunately, i have a regret last year where another man came along. He was much like your new guy; "generous, respectful, liked traveling, self sufficient". He is rich, motivated, and will have a bright future, and also made me feel respected. He would have treated me like a princess, unlike my bf who is financially insecure, and really does not try much to show his affection for me.

 

I was to choose between him and my slacker bf, of which I definitely made the wrong choice. The major reason was because i already had so much history with my bf. We overcame many obstacles together, and i thought that all the effort would be wasted if i left. Plus, he is also quite good looking, and my first, so i wanted it to last a bit more.

But now i am still unhappy with the way i am treated, and new man is happily in another relationship. (He really deserves it!)

 

Luckily, i am still young-ish and i will have many more opportunities to come, hopefully. You should definitely have a think before you close off the door to the new man!

I think you should at least try it out with him, so that you can experience the new joys of being with someone other than your ex. I really hope you won't let go of this very significant opportunity.

 

It will obviously be a hard road, trying to forget about your ex, but you need to do what's best for YOURSELF; your personal well-being, happiness and future.