Don't really know

[sickofyou]

I don't know what to say anymore, think or what to do. I have so many questions, emotions and just feel like the kid that's lost the Ballon only to watch it float away.

 

Was engaged to a girl for a year. We had our usual ups and downs. One thing about her, that was an issue for us, was there was no middle ground. She didn't know how to argue without going too far. She would hit below the belt, seek out guys attention and move out only to return like nothing ever happened. I know what you're thinking, why was I engaged to someone like this. Because when things where great , they were amazing. Well within the last month she asked for space to see if she could miss me. What led to this was the constant fighting about her lies that she could not stop telling. It became a problem quickly and I got the I'm sorry i won't do it again speech. The issue was never really resolved because communication with her was pretty much impossible. Two sentences in snd she would storm off. Her temper was out of control. Well during this time apart we she starred seeing someone else. So now I'm just devistated. It's over for me now. I've remained loyal to her even though technically we weren't together. But we were under the agreement that we would not seek out others. However with her past with me about seeking out attention from other men, I was worried about this issue in particular. I just don't know what my next step needs to be at this point. I don't know how to cope

[louisthe15th]

I'm in the same boat, bud. It sucks. We give them more tries then we know we should but we stay just for that glimpse of hope. And then, boom.. it's gone.

 

I don't know what to say really.. All I know is that feeling of them going to another guy/girl does diminish. I never thought it would for me, but it did. I began to look at myself and say I have a lot to offer, always have, always will. Which is absolutely the reason they were attracted to you in the first place.

 

I will say at times it does creep up. But everyone's telling me you have to push though thoughts away. And I do. Like I said, it diminished a lot!

 

I find where I am right now is that I'm so pessimistic that I can't see any positive. I've been building walls and will continue to do so; though I don't believe it's the right thing to do.

[Silver_star]

I don't know what to say anymore, think or what to do. I have so many questions, emotions and just feel like the kid that's lost the Ballon only to watch it float away.

 

Was engaged to a girl for a year. We had our usual ups and downs. One thing about her, that was an issue for us, was there was no middle ground. She didn't know how to argue without going too far. She would hit below the belt, seek out guys attention and move out only to return like nothing ever happened. I know what you're thinking, why was I engaged to someone like this. Because when things where great , they were amazing. Well within the last month she asked for space to see if she could miss me. What led to this was the constant fighting about her lies that she could not stop telling. It became a problem quickly and I got the I'm sorry i won't do it again speech. The issue was never really resolved because communication with her was pretty much impossible. Two sentences in snd she would storm off. Her temper was out of control. Well during this time apart we she starred seeing someone else. So now I'm just devistated. It's over for me now. I've remained loyal to her even though technically we weren't together. But we were under the agreement that we would not seek out others. However with her past with me about seeking out attention from other men, I was worried about this issue in particular. I just don't know what my next step needs to be at this point. I don't know how to cope

 

Reading the bold I can only see that she is immature and has no business being in a relationship at all. Good luck to anyone else she ends up with. This sounds completely toxic. I would say you have dodged a bullet.

 

She gets to run around seeking out other guys attention, and throwing temper tantrums. Meanwhile you need to put up with this and be faithful to her because why? Because when it was good it was amazing?

Uhm no.. The good times we tend to idealize, but she sounds like an awful person.

[Nickr3023]

Ugh I know this feeling all too well. I know this article is extremely long, but it sounds like you're dealing with the same **** I am. Give this a good 10-15 minute read and see if it helps make a little more sense to you.

 

AT ANY COST: Saving your Life after Loving a Borderline.

[sickofyou]

Wow. That article is pretty much spot in on. What's scary us this isn't the first I've been told that she sounds like a BPDer. She takes meds for adhd. Another redflag that is associated with a BPDer. I know her childhood is worse than a scary movie. She's grown up in a home with parents who use drugs, constant splitting up, cheating, fight and hit each other. She was raped and her father blamed her. Countless times watched her parents cheat on each other, I mean literally in the room why mom was sucking some guy off. Now she has an older sister that has an identical relationship with her man. Drugs, abuse, cheating, off and on. Heck he tried to assault her with a machete once. So she's got two generations of this she's grown up in. I can only assume she believes this is acceptable. The way the article describes me being on the receiving end is spot on as well. I too have self-esteem, self worth issues. She's Saud to me countless times I could do better than her, why am I with her. I just couldn't understand why she would think so little of herself

[Nickr3023]

Wow. That article is pretty much spot in on. What's scary us this isn't the first I've been told that she sounds like a BPDer. She takes meds for adhd. Another redflag that is associated with a BPDer. I know her childhood is worse than a scary movie. She's grown up in a home with parents who use drugs, constant splitting up, cheating, fight and hit each other. She was raped and her father blamed her. Countless times watched her parents cheat on each other, I mean literally in the room why mom was sucking some guy off. Now she has an older sister that has an identical relationship with her man. Drugs, abuse, cheating, off and on. Heck he tried to assault her with a machete once. So she's got two generations of this she's grown up in. I can only assume she believes this is acceptable. The way the article describes me being on the receiving end is spot on as well. I too have self-esteem, self worth issues. She's Saud to me countless times I could do better than her, why am I with her. I just couldn't understand why she would think so little of herself

 

Yeah I gasped out loud at least 4 or 5 times reading that article because they were things either I had said or done or she had said or done. The quote in the 2nd paragraph about her being a drug to me, I said that multiple times. Or her saying it's the best sex she's ever had, blah blah blah. The whole article was spot on and kind of helps me realize that no matter what I did, I was never going to win or get very far with her regardless of what I really wanted to see.

[sickofyou]

I had to add more to this

 

 

 

 

 

Wow. That article is pretty much spot in on. What's scary us this isn't the first I've been told that she sounds like a BPDer. She takes meds for adhd. Another redflag that is associated with a BPDer. I know her childhood is worse than a scary movie. She's grown up in a home with parents who use drugs, constant splitting up, cheating, fight and hit each other. She was raped and her father blamed her. Countless times watched her parents cheat on each other, I mean literally in the room why mom was sucking some guy off. Now she has an older sister that has an identical relationship with her man. Drugs, abuse, cheating, off and on. Heck he tried to assault her with a machete once. So she's got two generations of this she's grown up in. I can only assume she believes this is acceptable. Ive not expirenced violencw but the off and on issues. The violent verbal abuse. The ability to turn the table on me. I find it scary in the article something that when presented with an issue, they create an argument and the issue at hand never gets resolved. I felt with that daily. I found it more peaceful if I just kept my mouth closed, but then our relationship issues just festered. She woukd all of a sudden hit me with issues that she had with us but these were things built up over time. I asked her to talk to me about issues as they arise and not let them build up. But she never would. The article describes me being on the receiving end is spot on as well. I too have self-esteem, self worth issues. She's Saud to me countless times I could do better than her, why am I with her. I just couldn't understand why she would think so little of herself. Maybe I did in fact dodge a bullet here. Still doesn't take away the pain.

Edited December 7, 2015 by sickofyou
.additional

[Nickr3023]

No unfortunately it doesn't take the pain away, I sure as hell wish it did. I have severe self esteem and self worth issues, and even more so after she cheated on me. This article at least brought a little clarity to what I was actually dealing with. This is the logical side of me speaking, unfortunately Im dominated by my emotions. The logical side sees how bad the relationship was, how poorly she treated me, how she made me feel inadequate, and how she cheated on me. However the emotional side only wants to remember the good times, the fun, the jokes, the laughs, the new experiences, the sex, the times she made me smile and made me feel like I was the most important person in the world. The mind is such an awful thing sometimes. I often times feel like I'm going crazy with the wide range of thoughts and emotions I have.

[sickofyou]

Something else I forgot to add. When she was a teenager up until her 18th birthday she was also a cutter. She woukd cut her wrists to avoid feeling the emotional pain at home. I never did ask what but I'm sure all of this has something to do with her behavior now. She never went to counseling and I've tried to get her to go with me but she refuses. I'm now going but I wish she would accompany me.

[Nickr3023]

Something else I forgot to add. When she was a teenager up until her 18th birthday she was also a cutter. She woukd cut her wrists to avoid feeling the emotional pain at home. I never did ask what but I'm sure all of this has something to do with her behavior now. She never went to counseling and I've tried to get her to go with me but she refuses. I'm now going but I wish she would accompany me.

 

I'm sorry man. I'm not sure if you're anything like me, but it sounds like you may be. Do you have a savior complex? Where you feel like part of the reason you were with her was because you wanted to save her from herself? I recognize that was part of the reason I was with my ex. When I met her she was 2 weeks removed from a separation of a 10 year marriage. I knew every single warning sign of this not lasting or being a rebound but I chose to ignore them all because she told me how comfortable I made her and how I made her feel that she could forget everything when she was with me. That played perfectly into my personality because I felt like I was helping her....unfortunately now I look back on it, and I just realize I was only hurting her as she never fully got a chance to grieve her divorce before getting into it with me. So a year later when all that stuff really started to hit harder, we just didn't know how to deal with it and that was essentially the end of our relationship. A sad lesson to learn for me.

[sickofyou]

Yes I'm the fixer. I tend to find girls that need fixing. Some how I attract them.

[sickofyou]

What do I do about all of these unanswered questions I have. I don't want to speak to her as she's so mean and degrading. Even if I did, she won't answer me and even then I won't know what to believe

[Downtown]

When she was a teenager up until her 18th birthday she was also a cutter.

SickofYou, the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5) lists "self-harming behavior such as cutting" for only one disorder: BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). That is, of the 157 disorders listed in DSM-5, only BPD has "cutting" listed as a defining trait. Moreover, many studies have shown that self harm like cutting is strongly associated with BPD. A 2004 hospital study, for example, found that

Self-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but

the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder

. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma.

See

J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv

.

She never went to counseling and I've tried to get her to go with me but she refuses. I'm now going but I wish she would accompany me.

If your exGF really does have strong BPD traits, couples counseling almost certainly would be a total waste of time. Although the counselors are usually good at teaching simple communication skills, a BPDer's issues go far beyond that problem. Until a BPDer has had years of individual therapy to learn how to manage those more serious issues, teaching them communication skills is unlikely to improve your relationship.

 

Yes I'm the fixer. I tend to find girls that need fixing. Some how I attract them.

If you're an excessive caregiver like me, the problem is not that they are attracted to you but, rather, that you go looking for them. You will walk right on past all the emotionally available women (BORING!) until you find one who desperately needs you. You can spot such a woman across a crowded room because, having much empathy, you can sense her vulnerability (which is "catnip" to guys like us).

 

The problem is not that we're willing to help people but, rather, that we keep doing so even when it is to our great detriment -- and even when the person we're trying to fix doesn't want to be fixed. As I understand it, our problem is that our desire to be needed (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be loved (for the men we already are). The best explanation of this that I've found is Schreiber's blog article I mention below.

 

That [schreiber] article is pretty much spot in on.

if you read Shari Schreiber's page about herself, you will find that she claims to have an MA degree in Psychology but says nothing about being licensed as a therapist. Previously, she had claimed to be a therapist but BPDfamily.com raised objections to that claim. In Calif, she apparently completed an internship for therapy but never did complete the requirements for being licensed.

 

I do not like her portrayal of BPDers as manipulative spiders who spin webs to trap you and as people who are unable to love. Those claims are simply false and unsupported. Schreiber confuses BPD traits with those of narcissists and sociopaths and thus fails to distinguish among these three groups of people.

 

Yet, if your exGF has very strong narcissistic traits in addition to strong BPD traits, I can see how you would find Schreiber's descriptions to be especially useful. Keep in mind, however, that most BPDers do not exhibit strong traits of NPD or sociopathy (Antisocial PD). A recent large-scale study found that a third of female BPDers (and 47% of male BPDers) have strong NPD traits in addition to the BPD traits.

 

That said, I nonetheless do very much like Schreiber's explanation of how we excessive caregivers get to be this way in childhood. This is why I often refer caregivers to her blog article called Do You Love to be Needed, or Need to be Loved?

 

What do I do about all of these unanswered questions I have?

Some of your questions may be answered in my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs or in my more detailed description of those red flags at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If you still have any unanswered questions, I would be glad to join Nick in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful experience -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, SickofYou.

[sickofyou]

Ill check out the article. I mean unanswered questions like, who the mystery guys is. Am I not good enough? What if he is better than me. Etc

[sickofyou]

Downtown is there any way I may speak with you by phone?

[Downtown]

No, not at this time. When you've been here a bit longer, we will be able to exchange private messages. Until then, the forum software does not allow us to exchange private information.

[sickofyou]

I'm jurt overwhelming stressed. Unpset. Don't know what to do at this point. I just want to go to sleep and wake up and it all be over with and forgotten

[Downtown]

She takes meds for adhd. Another redflag that is associated with a BPDer.

You are very well read on the issue of BPD traits to know that, SickofYou. Some psychologists believe adult ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) may be the same thing as -- or perhaps a subset of -- BPD (see, e.g., Adult ADHD and BPD).

 

I'm jurt overwhelming stressed. Upset.

If you've been engaged to a BPDer for a year, consider yourself lucky that you only feel "overwhelming stressed" and "upset." Of the 157 mental disorders listed in DSM-5, BPD is the one most notorious -- by far -- for making a large share of the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. Indeed, therapists see far more of those folks coming in (to find out if they are going crazy) than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

This "crazy making" behavior of BPDers is so well known that the "Nons" (i.e., nonBPD partners) have given it a name: gaslighting. It is named after the classic 1944 movie "Gaslight," in which a husband (Charles Boyer) tries to drive his new bride (Ingrid Bergman) crazy so as to get her institutionalized, allowing him to run off with her family jewels. One of his many tricks is to turn the home's gas lights down a tiny bit every day -- all the while claiming that he is able to see and read just fine.

 

Actually, the vast majority of the crazy making behavior of BPDers is not really intended to make you feel crazy. Rather, it is the result of their subconscious minds protecting their fragile egos by projecting all their mistakes and shortcomings onto their spouses.

 

The beauty of projection -- and the reason that BPDers rely on it so heavily -- is that it occurs entirely at the subconscious level, allowing the BPDers to be adamantly convinced the projections are true. Hence, unlike lies (which BPDers will do when trapped), the projections are entirely guilt free -- an important attribute to folks who are filled with so much self loathing that guilt is a very painful experience.

 

I mention all of this to explain why it is so confusing and disorienting to live with a BPDer. Namely, the confusion largely arises because the BPDer partners sincerely believe the outrageous accusations coming out of their mouths. The nonBPD partners therefore are left thinking that they must have done something wrong to cause their spouses to be so upset.

[Cherryz]

Engagement wont fix it.

Marriage wont fix it.

 

What about move on?

 

Sometimes we see and know someone isnt for us, but we still force it thinking thats the best we can get.

That will stand in your way of meeting your soulmate.