Commitment Phobic Ex

[artnoveau]

I've been dumped by commitment phobic guys twice now.

 

The first one was obviously not able to commit - 10 girlfriends before me, dumped me, when everything was fine, was in love with me when things were complicated and at some point decided he couldn't decide between me an another girl.

But as he had been a very good friend for years before we were involved, I trusted him and thought I could change him.

But the longer we stayed together, the more he despised me, told me I wanted too much communication (by that point I send max. 3 short messages a day and he barely replied), was too insecure when I asked him not too see a girl he had cheated with on me. Compliments didn't happen anymore, he disliked the sex and after at least a year of not being together officially - in which he had told me he loved me plenty of times - as soon as we were official, he didn't manage to say so in nine whole months.

 

With the second guy I tried to not make the same mistake and picked someone who was smitten with me and made compliments all the time.

But after we started having sex he stopped doing it.

Of course this could be because he disliked the sex so much (which he only told me months after). On the other hand he had so many affairs with girls, which he had all ended because they were "not the one" and he "wasn't in love".

So its hard to tell, but he seems to be a commitmentphobe as well and he told me he was bad with commitment himself. None of this affairs/relationships was longer then six months.

 

He tried to break up with me several times, but he either always came back by himself or when I asked him to.

And after every "break up" it would be nice and cuddly and perfect and even though there were no more compliments it felt like he loved me - or had finally started to see that his idea of love was unrealistic and that we were perfect for each other.

We never really had a fight, except for the times when he broke up with me. That's how well we worked.

(Though I adapted a lot).

 

So now he is gone as well and I think he will stay gone.

He has found a girl about 5h drive away with which he cheated on me and says he might want to spend more time with her.

I know he is gonna stay with her, because a long distance relationship would suit his fear of commitment pretty well.

(Also: I think he is incapable of loving and thus won't mourn my loss. He has decided a while ago that I'm not worth loving.)

 

Maybe this rather belongs in the break up section.

But I'm not dealing well with the whole thing.

Getting two guys like this in a row, when I was looking to find someone to start a family with (which they both - in theory, I guess - really wanted when we started out), has really crushed my self-esteem.

 

The first one made me think I was a crazy girl with having so many demands, such as a certain amount of communication and him not being in contact with the girl he cheated with (which he did after I told him I was worried something might be going on).

The second one just makes me feel like no matter how uncomplicated I act, how much I try to be rational, sensible, understanding, relaxed, intelligent, independent and supporting - I'm still not enough. He never really specified what was wrong with me, only said, that it was sexual and that I couldn't change it.

 

There are some helpful threads on here about the topic, which are already closed.

But I feel it would be helpful to talk more to people who have gone through the same and to realize that it is not our fault.

Maybe to share stories and see the pattern in how those guys act.

[AT15]

I can suspect the possibility that you are attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable because you are emotionally unavailable.

 

I see the same pattern with my own choices. As soon as A guy I like begins to give me his undivided devotion...I shelf him. I see a do that with friends too.

 

It's a weird character trait. one of my Ex's brought it to my attention.

[2mehappiness]

Hi artnoveau,

 

I know how you feel. I got dumped by a commitment phobic guy a little bit more than a month ago. The relationship killed my self-esteem. I, like you also wanted to find someone to settle down with to start a family. I thought he would be "the one." Everything in the honeymoon stage was great. He completely opened up to me, became lovey-dovey, constantly complimenting me and I felt like I could let my own guards down. He made me so happy and giddy inside. When I fully embraced the relationship, he instantly became distant. It felt like a chasing game. When he became distant, I would chase him. When I stopped, he would show me some affection and I thought we were back on track. Whenever he stopped reciprocating, I would doubt myself. I thought it was all me, because I wasnt the right girl. Although I am smart, attractive, independent, happy, caring and understanding, I always felt like I was never good enough. Much of the relationship I felt like i was walking on eggshells, never knowing what the future will hold. I wasnt even asking for that much. I just want someone to reciprocate my love. When he broke up with me, I still didnt know what was going on. It wasnt until I read "Why men can't love" and "he's scared shes scared," did everything made sense. I kept blaming myself throughout the relationship when it was never about me. IT WAS ALL HIM. There is absolutely nothing you could have done to change the relationship. If he doesn't see that he is the problem (denial stage) and want to work on it...he is never going to change. So count it a blessing that you guys are no longer together.

 

My relationship with him was very toxic for me. I knew I had to leave but couldnt...I was too scared to be alone. I lost my identity. I had become a co-dependent in the relationship. I questioned myself alot after the breakup on why I am always attracting the wrong type of guys in my life. I realized i was subconsciously attracting the wrong type of guys because I have alot of internal issues from my childhood that wasnt resolved. My parents although very loving were also very critical of me growing up. I always felt like I wasnt good enough so I always had to work hard to gain their approval and that became the culprit in my relationships. I would subconsciously find emotionally unavailable men and try to gain their approval. The "good guys" were too boring for me. So I would encourage you to dig deep into your life and do some soul searching.

 

The next little while is going to be hard because you were so emotionally attached, but you will get better. Trust me on this. There are alot of other guys out there who is worthy of your love. You can do this

[Itspointless]

IT WAS ALL HIM. There is absolutely nothing you could have done to change the relationship. If he doesn't see that he is the problem (denial stage) and want to work on it...he is never going to change. So count it a blessing that you guys are no longer together.

Very true, and very hard to see it as a blessing.

 

Artnoveau I think 2mehappiness gives some important hints of her post you can investigate yourself. Perhaps you can read the book by Dr. Shirley Impellizzeri called Why Can't I Change? How to Conquer Your Self-Destructive Patterns I find that the most insightful easiest read on attachment.

 

She did not want to change, that was clear enough to me. It just is incredibly hard to detach after people are so convincing in the first place. When these people get what they want they run, as it (un)consciously becomes clear to them that you have the potential to hurt them. Then all sorts of defence mechanisms are started up. Toxic is the right word for it, it literally makes you question your sanity.

[artnoveau]

 

My relationship with him was very toxic for me. I knew I had to leave but couldnt...I was too scared to be alone. I lost my identity. I had become a co-dependent in the relationship. I questioned myself alot after the breakup on why I am always attracting the wrong type of guys in my life. I realized i was subconsciously attracting the wrong type of guys because I have alot of internal issues from my childhood that wasnt resolved. My parents although very loving were also very critical of me growing up. I always felt like I wasnt good enough so I always had to work hard to gain their approval and that became the culprit in my relationships. I would subconsciously find emotionally unavailable men and try to gain their approval. The "good guys" were too boring for me. So I would encourage you to dig deep into your life and do some soul searching.

 

 

2mehappiness, thank you so much. What you wrote helped a lot.

And yes, it is the same for me - I keep looking for guys who's love I have to win, because my father left us very early.

I hope I can break this pattern. I noticed that I'm suspicious of guys who like me right away, either because I think I can't live up to their expectations or because I get suspicious and think they can't be cool if they just like me.

 

Knowing that I have this pattern and that I am also really scared of being alone makes me feel a bit helpless. Like I can't change the way I grew up and how it formed me.

 

And right now I also just feel like I want answers from my last ex. I know that he is a commitmentphobe, but I feel like I want it confirmed.

But he is never gonna be able to admit it or give me any kind of helpful answers.

Its just soooo hard to see this and just move on with all those questions in my head.

I want to know why he stayed in the first place.

Why he stopped talking about intimate stuff, after we started having sex.

Why he he was thinking about next year like we were still gonna be together.

What he expected me to be on those first five or six dates on which he adored me. And what turned out to be different about me.

 

I know he can't answer those questions or might hurt me doing so, but its still hard to just leave them and try to move on.

 

And I'm not sure I'll feel comfortable with having sex with someone again.

The fact that he said he hated having sex with me and always wanted it to be over quickly really, really hurts.

[Itspointless]

I want to know why he stayed in the first place.

Why he stopped talking about intimate stuff, after we started having sex.

Why he he was thinking about next year like we were still gonna be together.

What he expected me to be on those first five or six dates on which he adored me. And what turned out to be different about me.

You should loose the term commitmentphobe, it is a term to describe in popular terms a kind of behaviour that can stem from different conditions. The term you are searching for is dismissive-avoidant attachment.

 

I already told you the answers to these questions: 'When these people get what they want they run, as it (un)consciously becomes clear to them that you have the potential to hurt them.' They fear abandonment.

 

There wasn't anything different about you. He stayed because at first you were still safe for him until he noticed he got attached. You became to real to bear.

Edited December 5, 2015 by Itspointless

[artnoveau]

You should loose the term commitmentphobe, it is a term to describe in popular terms a kind of behaviour that can stem from different conditions. The term you are searching for is dismissive-avoidant attachment.

 

I already told you the answers to these questions: 'When these people get what they want they run, as it (un)consciously becomes clear to them that you have the potential to hurt them.' They fear abandonment.

 

There wasn't anything different about you. He stayed because at first you were still safe for him until he noticed he got attached. You became to real to bear.

 

 

Well, I obviously know the answer to my questions, but it still hurts.

 

And being a psychology major I actually choose the term commitmentphobe for a reason.

We did attachment styles and avoidants can still be in stable relationships, quite often with anxious-avoidant women. Attachment styles - though very stable - can change with partners and I see less hope for a commitmentphobe.

Also: I don't know why he is acting like this and its not about etiology at all.

So I don't see why I shouldn't use a term that doesn't clarify the reasons for his being so.

 

But I don't want to be all clinical about this. I'm good at thinking problems through like they are not my own and it doesn't help me at all right now.

Here I was looking to share and find people who have made the same experiences.

Because no matter how much my brain gets it, my heart needs time to catch on and I just want to know that I'm not alone out there with feeling this horrible and crappy.

 

I still appreciate your help, its just not what I'm looking for.

[Itspointless]

Well, I obviously know the answer to my questions, but it still hurts.

 

And being a psychology major I actually choose the term commitmentphobe for a reason.

We did attachment styles and avoidants can still be in stable relationships, quite often with anxious-avoidant women. Attachment styles - though very stable - can change with partners and I see less hope for a commitmentphobe.

Also: I don't know why he is acting like this and its not about etiology at all.

So I don't see why I shouldn't use a term that doesn't clarify the reasons for his being so.

 

But I don't want to be all clinical about this. I'm good at thinking problems through like they are not my own and it doesn't help me at all right now.

Here I was looking to share and find people who have made the same experiences.

Because no matter how much my brain gets it, my heart needs time to catch on and I just want to know that I'm not alone out there with feeling this horrible and crappy.

 

I still appreciate your help, its just not what I'm looking for.

Ok, that's fine with me. I think I could answer the questions you had, as I have been where you are now. I will than focus on other discussions.

 

Take care.

Edited December 6, 2015 by Itspointless

[2mehappiness]

2mehappiness, thank you so much. What you wrote helped a lot.

And yes, it is the same for me - I keep looking for guys who's love I have to win, because my father left us very early.

I hope I can break this pattern. I noticed that I'm suspicious of guys who like me right away, either because I think I can't live up to their expectations or because I get suspicious and think they can't be cool if they just like me.

 

Knowing that I have this pattern and that I am also really scared of being alone makes me feel a bit helpless. Like I can't change the way I grew up and how it formed me.

 

And right now I also just feel like I want answers from my last ex. I know that he is a commitmentphobe, but I feel like I want it confirmed.

But he is never gonna be able to admit it or give me any kind of helpful answers.

Its just soooo hard to see this and just move on with all those questions in my head.

I want to know why he stayed in the first place.

Why he stopped talking about intimate stuff, after we started having sex.

Why he he was thinking about next year like we were still gonna be together.

What he expected me to be on those first five or six dates on which he adored me. And what turned out to be different about me.

 

I know he can't answer those questions or might hurt me doing so, but its still hard to just leave them and try to move on.

 

And I'm not sure I'll feel comfortable with having sex with someone again.

The fact that he said he hated having sex with me and always wanted it to be over quickly really, really hurts.

 

Hi artnoveau,

 

You won't get an answer from him so don't bother. If the guy is in denial about his issues, do you really think he will respond? Stay NC and do not break it. It will be a lot better for u. He wants to stay in the relationship because he is lonely and doesn't want to be alone. People like him cannot commit to staying or leaving...so he is often conflicted. He was interested in you at one point, but his anxiety gets him and it is often easier for him to run than to stay. He stopped being intimate because he was going to leave you. He thinks by initiating or having sex, he was going to give u hope that there will be a future. He feels guilty because deep down he knows there won't be a future. You could be the hottest supermodel and he still won't have sex with you. He thinks and talks about the future. But his definition of the future is much different than yours. His future is more like present time and your future is next year and beyond. I know this because we bought a flight ticket to travel around the world next year. I thought by him planning a trip next year meant that there is a future. It doesn't mean anything to him. Trust me. It's hard but pls focus on yourself right now. Each day gets easier. When you figure out about yourself then you will truly be happy. You are only going to attract healthier relationships. I'm on the same boat...but we can both do this.

[artnoveau]

Hi artnoveau,

 

He feels guilty because deep down he knows there won't be a future. You could be the hottest supermodel and he still won't have sex with you.

 

Your message is so true and helps so much.

But this sentence bears so much truth for me, its like a revelation.

He always told me that he likes being with me, but that he can't stand the guilt. He said it was killing him.

And I never understood that part. To me we were happy and there was nothing to feel guilty about.

To me it was his decision to feel guilty or not.

He said he thought about having sex with other women and that it made him feel guilty and that it felt wrong. For me being attracted to other people is normal and a person can choose not to act on it and then didn't have to feel guilty.

But I guess he knew that he eventually would act on it and also he just couldn't decide to want me instead of those other girls.

This CP thing is ****ed up.

 

But you are right, 2mehappiness.

We can do this!