Thought I found my match, but she had other ideas...

[DJ1986]

LONG POST AHEAD.

Hello guys, new to these forums and this will be my first post. I'm looking to come on here for some advice on moving on from rejection, as I recently was abruptly 'dumped' by someone I cared deeply about and was unofficially dating for two months, and now I've found myself having a real hard time getting over it. My friend told me I should sign up on these forums to speak to people who have gone through similar experiences, as when she found herself heartbroken a few years ago, this place helped her tremendously, and I'm hoping I'll have a similar experience myself.

 

To begin, I will preface this entire story by stating that I'm aware two months is not very long dating wise, and compared to the years some people have put into relationships on here, it's laughable. But it's the way that everything ended that I find myself so hurt over.

 

I met this girl on a social networking website. We lived an hour and a half apart from each other, but we hit it off almost immediately because we shared the same birthday (what are the odds?!) and loved the same music as each other, and even partook in many of the same hobbies and interests. I will confess that in the very beginning I was not writing this girl exactly with the intent of dating her, as only a few months ago I ended a relationship with an extremely obsessive, potentially dangerous person who was both a legitimate stalker and emotionally manipulative/abusive. It took a lot out of me, and with this girl basically saying she wasn't looking for a relationship but basically something casual/friends with benefits...it seemed like a good match for me at the time.

 

From the get go we developed a solid friendship. We would text and snapchat each other on the regular, and talk on the phone with each other daily, sometimes up to 3-4 times a day. We'd find eachother speaking for over an hour at times, and we usually would chat until she lost signal, or one of us had to go to bed. TLDR: We hit it off famously. About two weeks into talking we decided we would meet. I didn't know what to expect, but when I first saw her I thought she was one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen. I remember thinking she was amazing, but telling myself this was just friends as I wasn't ready to give my heart away to anyone yet.

 

After that night we kept talking, and really couldn't wait to see eachother again. She came by a week later, and that's when we first had sex. Now, in hindsight, I know two dates was too quick. But it felt right, and much to either of our surprise...something clicked that night. Despite our best attempts to keep it fwb, from the first time we had sex we already started to have feelings for each other and a few days later we confessed that we were starting to crush on each other a little bit. In the weeks that followed, we'd see each other virtually every week despite the distance and continued to fall harder and harder for each other, getting to the point where we introduced the other to our families, getting their seal of approval. By and large, it seemed like we were really on the way to becoming something special, and I found myself feeling content and happy with someone for the first time in a long time. She literally made me feel like I could be loved and appreciated by someone, after almost 30 years of never feeling good enough and it was the best feeling in the world.

 

But, I wouldn't be posting this if things didn't go south. You see, from the very beginning she was never sure if she was ready for a relationship at this point in her life (she had gone through a highly traumatic separation less than a year prior to meeting me), and I was always fighting for her and slowly chipping away at her wall, while she begged me to just be patient with her and told me she really liked me but just needed time. I understood this, and every step of the way I tried to let her know I would always wait for her.

 

A few weeks ago, I came to her with this huge heartfelt message about how I have never felt so happy with someone, and how I felt like she was literally my other half, and meant the world to me. I told her that I knew in my heart she was who I wanted, and how I couldn't see myself with anyone else. How I wanted to be official with her and was ready to be her 'boyfriend' by title, and not just in spirit. Regrettably, she seemed really weirded out by it, and felt it was a lot to take in. Thanks in part to my own anxiety and fears, I took it the wrong way and got a little upset by it. I regret being upset now, but she told me the next day we were "just friends" and didn't want any sort of relationship at this point. It broke my heart and devastated me, and while I've tried so hard to try and talk things out with her and work it all out, we've barely spoken in the weeks that have followed what happened. She's not made any attempts to get back to 'dating' me (despite my efforts to try and get her to reconsider), and we've pretty much gone from daily snaps/texts/calls, to maybe...once a week if we're lucky.

 

I'm accepting now that this is a lost cause and there's no chance of this ever becoming something. I've also accepted that the friendship is pretty much over too. At the advice of my friend, I have not wrote her nor tried to initiate contact in days, to show I'm not a pushover...but it doesn't fix the heartbreak.

 

So this is where you guys come in...how do you get over someone you thought was something special? How do you get used to losing daily phone calls/texts from that person, and accepting that the person didn't feel the same way you did about everything? This is harder than I ever thought it would be, and I need help from someone who may have been there before. I feel broken, and I wish this wasn't so tough for me.

[mystikmind2005]

Oh no, not the premature commitment bomb!!!

 

Since you triggered that bomb, I can see the pieces of wood and other shattered materials falling all around as you stand there in the scorched remains where there was once a house of friendship.

 

Sorry:(

[Glass Hut]

It has nothing to do with that "bomb". They had sex, this guy liked her and wanted to date and the girl just wanted to hook up and not date him. Unfortunately it'll be very hard to stay friends with her. Best to keep your options open and let her fade away.

[DJ1986]

I think you both raise valid points although I'm not sure if me waiting to ask her to commit to being official bf/gf would've changed much. If she was truly looking for just sex with me, waiting 6 months instead of 2 would've probably had the same result and by that time I would've been even more invested and the hurt would've been even more devastating. That's assuming that this would've even made it to six months anyways. Recent events (the ones listed in this thread) have made me really question that.

 

As for the friendship, I already know there's no repairing things. As Glass said, there's really no way to go back to being "just friends" after you cross the FWB/casual dating line. The only way that works is if the decision was amicable and I can assure you both it certainly was not. If I had my way me and her would be in an actual relationship at this point. So yeah, keeping my options open and letting her fade away is probably the best. I've already committed myself to no contact and not writing her, so I just have to keep reminding myself I deserve better.

[privategal]

I think you both raise valid points although I'm not sure if me waiting to ask her to commit to being official bf/gf would've changed much. If she was truly looking for just sex with me, waiting 6 months instead of 2 would've probably had the same result and by that time I would've been even more invested and the hurt would've been even more devastating. That's assuming that this would've even made it to six months anyways. Recent events (the ones listed in this thread) have made me really question that.

 

As for the friendship, I already know there's no repairing things. As Glass said, there's really no way to go back to being "just friends" after you cross the FWB/casual dating line. The only way that works is if the decision was amicable and I can assure you both it certainly was not. If I had my way me and her would be in an actual relationship at this point. So yeah, keeping my options open and letting her fade away is probably the best. I've already committed myself to no contact and not writing her, so I just have to keep reminding myself I deserve better.

 

Agreeing to wait for someone to be ready is always a sure sign a heart break is coming.

She tried to friendzone you from the start.

Also next relationship, be patient, but also direct and open and honest...dont agree to fwb when you want a committed relationship.

Dont agree to wait when your ready now because you deserve someone all in.

I think she showed all the red flags but you didnt see them.

Shes not the one. The right girl will be all in.

Might take some natural time to build genuine closeness but all the right signs will show, none of the confusion will be there.

Dating shouldn't be so complicated, confusing and gray titles and guessing games.

I think this was a good learning experience.

Focus on job, health, your life, family and friends and dont focus on one girl but on the whole big picture and the world.

Enjoy your life and love will find you.

[DJ1986]

Agreeing to wait for someone to be ready is always a sure sign a heart break is coming.

She tried to friendzone you from the start.

Also next relationship, be patient, but also direct and open and honest...dont agree to fwb when you want a committed relationship.

Dont agree to wait when your ready now because you deserve someone all in.

I think she showed all the red flags but you didnt see them.

Shes not the one. The right girl will be all in.

Might take some natural time to build genuine closeness but all the right signs will show, none of the confusion will be there.

Dating shouldn't be so complicated, confusing and gray titles and guessing games.

I think this was a good learning experience.

Focus on job, health, your life, family and friends and dont focus on one girl but on the whole big picture and the world.

Enjoy your life and love will find you.

 

This post deserves a standing ovation. Thank you so much for this, this is what I needed to hear. Between people telling me that it's likely impossible to do a friendship at this point, plus realizing that I missed numerous clues along the way that she didn't really want a relationship, and that I was being friends-with-benefits-zoned the entire time, I've begun the process of pushing myself to move on. I've deleted her number, removed her from all my social apps and have continued the "no contact" rule I did earlier. As you said this is a lesson learned and now I can apply the lessons I got from this to future girls.

 

I'm so glad I joined this forum. I was confused but reading these replies and the plights of other people who had similar issues, I realize that not only am I not alone in this but I know how to move on too. Thanks everyone! It's still tough but each day will get easier.

Edited December 2, 2015 by DJ1986

[mystikmind2005]

Agreeing to wait for someone to be ready is always a sure sign a heart break is coming.

She tried to friendzone you from the start.

Also next relationship, be patient, but also direct and open and honest...dont agree to fwb when you want a committed relationship.

Dont agree to wait when your ready now because you deserve someone all in.

I think she showed all the red flags but you didnt see them.

Shes not the one. The right girl will be all in.

Might take some natural time to build genuine closeness but all the right signs will show, none of the confusion will be there.

Dating shouldn't be so complicated, confusing and gray titles and guessing games.

I think this was a good learning experience.

Focus on job, health, your life, family and friends and dont focus on one girl but on the whole big picture and the world.

Enjoy your life and love will find you.

 

It is quite contradictory to say in one line to be patient and the next to say don't wait??

 

I guarantee people who rush commitment are heading for failure, and no, you cannot use the excuse the other person is not really into you. That may be the case, but just as easily it may not, he will never know.

[DJ1986]

It is quite contradictory to say in one line to be patient and the next to say don't wait??

 

I guarantee people who rush commitment are heading for failure, and no, you cannot use the excuse the other person is not really into you. That may be the case, but just as easily it may not, he will never know.

 

I see nothing wrong with what you said here and I even agree with you. There's two things I messed up on with this whole ordeal. I wasn't clear enough what I was wanting up front out of fear, and then got so concerned over what I saw to be her reluctance to make things official that I rushed things out of panic and it made her walk away.

 

I have some learning I have to do here. A lot of soul searching and learning from mistakes for future dating.

[ennui]

From a girl's POV, I would say that there are two possibility:

 

1. What you want is not what she wants. So she's backing away.

 

2. She likes you, but she was way too hurt from her previous relationship.

 

Either way it would be good to go NC. Get out of her life. If she likes you, there's a high chance she would miss you so much that she would take the initiative to text u first. And that would be an encouraging sign.

 

If she doesn't take the initiative even after a month and you're still not over it, text her. But judge the way she replies. Two guys can ask the same question to a girl. A simple question such as: "Have you had your lunch? How was it?" and get a whole different set of answer.

 

If it seems like her reply is short, even after trying to continue to the conversation a few times. I would say that it is a clear cut 100%that you should give up on her. But if she sounds excited to answer you, then I wish you all the best that it's the good sign that you're looking for and that she isn't playing with you.

 

All the best!

[DJ1986]

My view is if this book isn't meant to completely close, and we are meant to be together that it will happen someday. But I'm neither expecting that to come about or holding out hope that it's going to happen. As of this moment I know the only way I'd welcome her relationship wise back into my life is if she was ready to go "all in", and avoid the guessing games and gray titles as someone so adequately put it. I definitely should have been more patient, but I also feel that if I wasn't consistently given reasons to doubt/feel we were a guessing game (through things she said), I probably wouldn't have felt the need to get clarification on what me and her really were.

 

So it is what it is. If we never talk again I'll certainly miss her, but I know that waiting around expecting things to happen isn't going to bring me out of the funk. I need to learn from this experience and adjust the way I handle and approach future relationships, and become the kind of person in relationships that I actually want to be. Even in the chance something sparks between me and her down the line, I'll be better off fixing myself/maturing on certain things so that I won't be the same pushover or paranoid person I was the last time. There's things I have to change about myself too.

[DJ1986]

Update: So thanks to the advice in this thread, I was able to get closure about a week ago. I went NC, didn't answer phone calls etc and she eventually reached out to me on FB to see what was going on and why I wasn't responding. I put my foot down and told her how I felt about everything, how I felt the way things were handled was hurtful and that I stopped contacting her because I felt I was treated badly.

 

She didn't respond right away, but when she did she eventually revealed what many people suspected in here. She didn't want what I had wanted (or at least did at first but hadn't for a while), was simply just testing things out, and admitted that starting anything sexually/romantically was a mistake. That the reason she did a lot of what she did was because wasn't sure what she wanted with us, which winded up leading me on in the process (something she admits). She was apologetic but basically said in so many words that we were looking for different things in our life and that she ended whatever we were because she wasn't going down the same road I was with this.

 

So, I'm doing better now. I've learned a lot of things from this to use towards future 'potential relationships' and I know what to look for and avoid in the future. I also know to make my intentions more clear up front (that I'm dating for the sake of a real relationship and not just FWBs) so that I don't get strung along like this ever again. It's my fault in many ways this happened, because I didn't make things clearer up front and sooner. I know now to do so.

 

Thanks guys.