Jump to content

My NC/Coping


ChinadolI

Recommended Posts

Dec 1, Day 1

 

Hi Dear,

 

It's been three long days since you told me that you are now involved with someone else. Back in June when you decided to move out and took the break from our 17 years relationship, you told me you wanted to leave to find yourself and you didn't love me anymore. Although being so hurt, I had been supportive of you, hoping you would be able to sort issues out and work on our relationship problems. I never expected you actually found yourself in someone else's arms so quickly. The fact that you said you didn't expect it either hurts more as that's clearly a lie. It wouldn't have happened if you didn't make eye contact and it wouldn't have happened if you didn't have her contact details. It wouldn't have happened if you didn't take the step to visit her.

 

That is my bottom line.

 

I was able to remain friends because I believed you. How silly was I. I can not be your friend and no I won't apologize for it. We have a child together and I cannot avoid contact, but from now on, I will not tell you how my day has been. I will not tell you what I have for lunch. I will not tell you I'm wearing your favourite dress today. I will not tell you your voice still makes me skip a heartbeat after 17 years. I will not tell you I long for your cuddles. I will not tell you I miss your smell. I will not tell you thinking of your kisses makes me weak. I will not tell you that I'm as much in love with you as when I first saw you.

 

We were best friends for the last 17 years and as a matter of fact, I was your only friend. I thought my love for you would have been good enough as you had always said that no one in this world truly loved you except me, your family included. I had always been there when you had your ups and when you had your downs. Our relationship and our little family had meant so much to me.

 

You write it off like it was a piece of crap.

 

I know I'm better without you. I know one day I will get over you. I know one day I will be indifferent of you. I just don't know when.

 

And right now, I miss you so much and I'm so jealous of your new love. My heart aches so much that I almost can't breath. I really need you by my side, hold me and comfort me, telling me how much you've missed me and how much you love me. Please come back.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Last night, I dreamed of you. It was so nice to be in your arms again and I didn't want to wake up. The dream didn't last long and I woke up at 3 am again and found myself alone in my own bed.

 

You organized the swimming pool to be fixed yesterday and sent me a text to let me know last night. I didn't respond.

 

This morning, when I saw the pool pump was working, I asked our son to send you a picture and let you know.

 

You then texted me asking me why he's sending you the picture. I responded as I asked him to do so to confirm the work being done and I was busy. That was the end of this morning's communications.

 

I think you realized that I have withdrawn my contact to you.

 

While I was awake at 3 am, I have set a few plans and goals for myself to make sure I focus on myself and my son. NOT YOU.

 

Once I move out of the house that we fought so hard to build together (yes, you left me with the 17 years of memories for me to sort out by myself. You picked and chose to escape the cruelty and I don't have that choice - You heartless prick), I will attend yoga classes regularly. I will see my friends more often. I will be more patient with my teenage son. More importantly, I will not let you be back in my private life - you will not be allowed to be inside my apartment!

 

Last night, son and I had a talk about this as he has always hidden his true feelings towards our break up. He finally told me that he hates what you did to us. He was hurt and he thinks you are selfish that you just dumped the difficult teenage burden on me, which I quickly pointed out that I do not think he was a burden. He thinks you may look like you are there for him but you never truly care. I am glad that he finally spoke out how he felt and let out of his feelings. The last thing I wanted was to mess him up. He's having really difficult time to control his teenage hormone and that's why he has been constantly fighting with me. I know the fights between him and me bothered you a lot and could have been part of the reason that you left, but isn't this part of for better and for worse? We know it's difficult to be a teenager, you've been there too. Why can't you be a bit more understanding? I know he told you that he was fine with the whole thing, but have you ever thought that he's someone who holds his feelings deeply? Have you ever thought that he's your biological son and he has your traits of personality? You always hide your true feelings, so does he!

 

Anyway, as he said to me, it doesn't really matter anymore - you just don't care!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I am not coping too well. I feel like s***. I went out for a walk hoping this will sidetrack me a little. I even went in a shop trying to buy a new bottle of perfume, but I couldn't even make myself like the smell of the perfume. Eventually the different smells made me sick and left the shop.

 

I want to text you, hell I want to call you and hear your voice. NC is so damn hard, but I know I need to be strong. I need to move away. I need to get over you.

 

I am so glad that there is LS and I can just vent and nobody will be judgmental. Nobody will think I am a failure even I am so weak.

 

God - please give me some strength to carry on.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Looking back my love life - met my first serious boyfriend when I was 21 and we were so in love but there were so many family issues and eventually we broke up when I was 24. I was so upset so I moved country and married the first guy I met. I thought if I couldn't marry the love of my life, anyone would do. What a big mistake. That marriage was destined for failure as I wasn't over my first boyfriend and being young and naive, I thought as long as someone looked after me, it would be ok. The 18 months with first husband was basically my healing time of first boyfriend. I still feel sorry for him. I eventually left him and gave him all my money and wealth so I didn't feel too guilty.

 

Then I met you. I instantly fell for you. You were good looking, charming and have an incredibly sexy voice. I was madly in love with you but you broke it off after 6 month because you said you didn't want to be trapped. I quietly left and went on with my live. You went out with someone else within a few months, 6 months after the BU when I started considering someone, you turned up and told me it was a mistake and you wanted to get back together and have a family with me. Of course I was so happy to hear that.

 

When our son turned 18 months, you told me you no longer loved me and felt trapped again. You wanted to break free. Again, we broke up. With a little toddler and working full time, it was so damn hard and yet, I thought I would be able to heal and move on with my life because I was still young and vibrant. Of course, you were quick to be with someone new. A little more than 9 months later, there was this guy who left me a very misleading voice message when you were at my place to look after our son when I was sick in bed. You stormed out and broke contact for one month. I wasn't even seeing him and here you were, being with another girl and upset with a guy leaving me a voicemail? Surprisingly after the one month NC, you were back again and wanted to work on our relationship and expand our little family like i always wanted.

 

We tried for a few years but unfortunately it didn't happen. I then went on the ivf treatment which caused huge issues and ended up hospitalized for a week. Both you and our little boy were so worried that we eventually gave up the treatment. We ended up only have one boy but that was good enough for me. Our little family was happy and content.

 

Fast forward to the recent years, although you told me everyday you loved me, but somehow deep down in my mind, I wasn't feeling secure, somehow I thought you would be gone because you have always been someone who constantly wants to try something new, be it a new job, a new home, a new town, which I had always stuck with it and I feared that you would choose a new woman if I didn't agree.

 

I know the fights between the teenager and me had affected our normally quiet family life a lot, and you disapprove my ways, but I thought our love towards each other's would be stronger than that and we would get over it. The day you told me that you had enough, I remembered you said, you must have thought that I wouldn't do it, you thought it was just another fight, right? so now you know, I'm leaving for good. I don't love you any more and it's not the same. I remember I said it was only a few days ago that you said you loved me, how could you change overnight. All you said was no, I don't love you, I don't feel the same any more.and that was 5 months ago. I remember I was crying overnight non stop and you just looked at me, simply looked at me.

 

Two weeks later, you moved out. You said you wanted to find yourself and sort things out, but you would come back often to help me with the house. I went along thinking we would work things out and we even became intimate a few times after th BU. So one day, you told me we no longer can be like that. You words were "I broke up with you three times now, I won't come back." Yet one week later, we were again found each other naked in our arms. that was only a little over one month ago.

 

Here I am, writing all these down and I don't know if I actually know you too well or I don't know you at all. Regardless, I think I really have had enough. I have given you more chances than you deserve. The saddest thing is I lost my best friend for 17 years, in fact, in 18 days, it would have been our 17th anniversary of our first date. Of course I deleted that from my calendar and of course you wouldn't remember it because you have always remembered the wrong date. This will also be the first Christmas that I will not spend with you after 17 years. I'm feeling miserable but I will be strong. I need to be strong for our son. I need to be strong for my parents.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I read a lot of threads in LS last night and for the first time, I have learnt that love is actually a choice, not just a feeling. I think that may have explained why you don't love me anymore. You made the choice of "no" and maybe that's why it could happen like overnight. And now, you made the choice of "yes" to someone new.

 

I think I am a bit at peace with myself now. I am not going to ask you any more questions. I am simply not interested.

 

As for our "friendship", no I am not interested either. I am not going to be spiteful towards you about anything related to our son and I am not going to be smiling towards you either. I will only discuss matters related to finance and child with you, nothing more, nothing less. I will send emails whenever possible. I can't implement absolute no contact due to so many things involved, but I can implement no contact in regards to private/personal life.

 

I have lost almost 10% of my body weight for the last few weeks and I don't really have anything to lose - I need to look after myself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Went out with a couple of girlfriends, had a couple of whites, ate pizza, feeling so good. I didn't let my breakup dominant our conversations, I listened to girlfriends talking about their problems, putting everything in prospective. My life isn't that bad after all. I was having so much fun. I need to go out more. Just like they said . I'm definitely better off without you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi ChinadollI,

 

I would like to tell you that you're very strong. You're way way stronger than I could imagine myself to be.

 

For a two years relationship, I was a mess, not eating not showering, not going out. I was literally crying all the time and popping pills to sleep for the first 1-2 months after BU.

 

It took me monthssss to start thinking about diverging my attention to yoga, walk in the park. And can I say that you, focusing your attention to your son, trying your best to ensure that he's not hurt by the the separation of his parents make you a freaking damm good mum even though you might doubt yourself or that he's too young to fully understand.

 

So whenever you think you're crap or weak or anything. Just remember, you are actually really a strong minded lady and strong minded people will go far in life. I'm jealous of you :D

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you so much for your kind words. I think I'm doing OK for now, and I'm dreading to see him this Saturday as he's coming over to pick up all his stuff that's still in the house. I pray to God to give me strength so I don't break in front of him. I can't really escape from this scene as this weekend will be the last I have to pack up for my own move. I don't have leaves up in my sleeve to pack during the week so I just have to face him.

 

I will have to face him eventually so I said to myself, just be strong. Conversation must be business like, only about the house, son and settlement.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

He is right here, packing up his stuff. It's been an hour already, no eye contact. I started strong and I'm feeling weaker as time passes by. I had to walk away as I really wanted to wrap my arms around him. It's really painful. I know he has no feelings for me and everything needs to be business like.

 

I need to be strong. I must put my facade up.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I wish I could just hate you. It would have been so much easier. The feeling of hate is so much easier to deal with than grief. Why do I have so many tears? Why can't they just stop.

 

You were here for majority of the day. I had tears while you were here but I made sure you didn't see them. I went to the bathroom to avoid you.

 

The whole day I didn't make eye contact. Only minimum conversation, what to take and what to throw away.

 

We purposely avoided each other inside the house so we did not have any accidental physical contact.

 

Seeing you in our family home but can't touch you was like a sword in my heart. At one point, I had to bite my hand so my heartache can be masked.

 

Right now, I am glad that this iS the last time I see you in this house as I will also leave soon, so I won't have this horrible grief again.

Edited by ChinadolI
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Today is moving day, saying goodbye to the house we fought so hard to build together. I don't know how to explain my feelings, excited about my new apartment and sad about leaving a home with so many memories.

Edited by ChinadolI
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Keep on going, we all are in pain.

 

He said he wanted me so many times, but his want is mainly for sex, that's a big no for me.

 

Thanks.

 

I've been quite logical previously but the last couple days, the emotional part of me finally caught up. I have been so teary yesterday and today, even in front of son I couldn't control it. Im feeling so depressed and the thought of him having no feelings for me is killing me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I really miss you today.

 

I feel no motivation at work whatsoever and previously when I had feelings like this, I would just pick up the phone and call you to talk about it. I know I can still do it now too and I know you will listen to me but I also know it will pull me back from moving on.

 

I really miss our bond and our friendship. Right now, I feel like nothing really matters any more as long as I still have your friendship and still can talk to you, but I know I will want more if I establish the emotional contact again.

 

I need to dig deep and find some strength to carry on!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Our 17th anniversary today. Son went to see you this afternoon because you said you were buying him Christmas present. Before he left, son said he was going to ask you if you would spend Christmas with us just like a family and I said it's ok for me if that's what he wanted. When he got back a couple of hours later, I asked him what happened. Son said he didn't have a chance to ask as you told him right away that you would spend the two weeks Christmas and new year with someone else, going away, quite obviously with the OW. He decided not to tell you what he wanted. He was very disappointed but no he didn't tell you that either.

 

I really don't understand how you can't tell how your son feels. Or is it because you are so in love with the OW and you are blind? I know you have completely written me off, but I hope you don't do it to your son?

 

Regardless, I'm determined to make sure I still make son's favorite Christmas meal. Although it's just the two of us, we will make best out of it!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I went to do bikram yoga today hoping I can focus on myself and the intense heat would get you out of my mind. How wrong was I?! My sweat and tears were mixed together and I couldn't stop thinking about you. I wasn't able to focus and eventually hurt myself. My friend told me to write down all the bad things about you so I can only remember your shortcomings, but why do I only remember how good we were together.

 

Even though we had two breakups in between but we always managed spending Christmas together for the last 16 years. How can you just forget so easily?

 

I love you so much. I feel my heart has been ripped open and the pain is so intense. I can't cope anymore.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I went to see a psychologist yesterday as I felt like I was in a breaking point. I was so overwhelmed with sadness and tears and I felt like my pain threshold was about to be broken and suicidal thoughts were coming through like waves. I started to think of ways to make sure son's OK if I did do it.

 

When I saw the doctor for my leg and started telling her what happened, of course my tears flooded out. I then asked her for anti depressant hoping it would help me a little. Instead, she referred me to see the psychologist right away.

 

The session did help as she thought that I should tell son all my thoughts which was contradicting to other advice I saw previously like "do not press the adult feelings to the teenager". She asked son to come in who was in the waiting room and we talked for the whole session. When we came out, son told me that he now understood a lot better why it's hard for me to let go and why I had been so said, so I guess it did help.

 

The plan was for 10 sessions but I just can't afford them with everything's been going on.

 

Both son and psychologist asked me try not to think about you and I told them I didn't want to think about you, you just come to my mind. No matter where I look, what I do, everything is a trigger to bring you to my mind, a tree, a building, a piece of clothing, the sofa, the dining table.....every single thing. You were the most important part of my life for the last 17 years, how do I escape?

 

The thought of you happily being with the OW for the holidays ends all my hope and purpose of my life. I know this is not logical, but my emotional mind is giving in to that feeling. Why can't I stop!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yes, today is the new ME day.

 

I think Tuesday was my absolute rock-bottom day. Today, I am saying goodbye to the old me and welcoming a new me being reborn.

 

I started reading Dr. Hawkins "Letting Go" book and I am determined to let it go. http://www.amazon.com/Letting-Go-The-Pathway-Surrender/dp/B00ZTN2CKE/ref=pd_rhf_gw_p_img_2?ie=UTF8&refRID=1WMHX1NAZ1K7DPR8KC6H

 

I am determined to let go of all my negative energy. I want to become someone who is full of positive energy and I will as long as I am willing to. I will start with forgiving you.

 

I know I had been quite negative around you since the beginning of the year and this may have been the driving force of your departure. If your decision to leave and decision to be attached with someone else make you happy, I wish you the best. I am now letting go of the attachment to you. I will still love you but I don't need the attachment of you any more.

 

I am learning to surrender to my grief and then let go of it piece by piece and make peace with myself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I am in a much better place for the last couple of days.

 

I still can't get my head around you spending Christmas/New Year with your new love instead of son as this is the first time for him not having you around for Christmas and New Year.

 

I have been in almost NC with you for the whole month now - well, apart from the finance and son, which is very businesslike. I don't know anything about you. I don't know what's in your mind but I guess you are happy. I know you wouldn't care about how I feel so really no point telling you.

 

I've been telling myself, kind of allowing myself to think, that I still love you and I do hope you love me as much as I love you, but it's OK that you don't. And I know you don't, otherwise, you wouldn't have been with her.

 

I wish you a very happy new year. May 2016 bring you joy and happiness.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Not doing too well today. I miss you so much. you clearly have moved on while I'm still stuck with the pain of losing you. I can't even go out to my favorite shopping spots for the fear that I might bump into you, for the fear that I might see you with her together. The thought of you being with the other woman almost kills me and I don't know how to deal with the sight.

 

They said time will heal and everyone says that I will get better but why the hell am I not better? No pills can help me sleep and no drugs can help me feel better.

 

If it weren't for son, I would find ways not to wake up tomorrow.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This is so hard. I think the cheating part makes it even harder. I'm glad you are able to do NC. I have to speak with my ex at least twice a week. I try not to look at her face and make conversation as short as possible. I think you are doing well based on your situation.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow, this thread is like experiencing my parents divorce all over again.

 

 

Keep going, you'll make it. Get yourself a place where you and your son can start all over. A fresh start will do you good. Prove yourself you can manage on your own, you will feel stronger after that.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...