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The Downside of NC, does it fester?


justinje

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Having gone through multiple breakups, many of which were before I came to LS and learned the NC rule and three since I've seen benefits to both NC and just letting it out.

 

 

The breakup I'm going through now I went completely NC from day 1 of breakup, lasted two straight months but during that time the questions I had still lingered. The things I didn't get to say still were in my mind. It eventually led me to break NC yesterday.

 

 

Switch to what I used to do, drunk text, text, write letters either letting out anger and frustration or begging them to take me back. Never ended well, hurt a lot at the time, but I came out of it with some answers, some finality, some closure.

 

 

So it begs the question, short term NC may help the healing process move along faster but years from now are we going to look back and say, "man I wish I would have just let me feelings be known" or "I wish I would have just asked" as opposed to "Man that hurt at the time but I know what's what now" or "At least I asked, she didn't answer but I tried."

 

 

So in the long run which one is better?

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I think it depends on the person. For me, getting to conclude is far easier than accepting or NC. So I would rather conclude and then go away. Sadly these days it is far easier to block someone(smart phone feature) or simply change your number. There is no end to cruelty that ex's are capable of these days.

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My ex of 6 years cut me off by just stopping responding one day. He hasn't blocked or changed his number and I didn't stalk or harrass. He wouldn't give me closure even when I asked direct and for that I will never ever forgive him. His vagueness and ignorance hurt more than the break up. I get NC if people are told what is happening but to disappear and be out and out ignorant is disgusting behaviour.

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I was told that she has found a new guy, she is leaving me, and blocked my number. I had not even the chance to call once, let alone multiple times. Later she changed her number as from her Whatsapp status. So I am on forced NC for one month, there is no chance this will ever break in my lifetime.

 

So as per the original question- do I want this, No ? Atleast I needed to know what I did wrong ?

 

I think NC is good only after closure.

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The person chose to move on without you. They owe you nothing. NC is not to change their behavior, it is for you to move on with your life.

 

If she would give you an answer, it would be fuel for you to do bargaining. "Why didn't you say something? I can change baby! You didn't give us a proper chance...l"

 

My ex told me I didn't give her time to settle in the house when I greeted her and told her of the level of viruses on her computer. Really? Later she said I drank too much. I kept a 6 pack of beer in the house, 4 that were still in the fridge. I worked out of state and the time zone difference was 3 hours. If she went to bed at 10pm, it was 7pm for me, so I would drink a beer to go to bed with her.

 

Bottom line, you would probably walk away with more questions than answers and the answers could be a BS smokescreen for why they started a new relationship. Accept that it is over, work through your grief (meaning feel it) then pursue things that empower you and make YOU happy.

 

Wishing you the best that life has to offer.

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