i haven't been able to live for three years and it's not getting any easier

[beleriand]

The past seems so much more real than the present. All I want to do is ****ing scream. I started dating her when I was 19, and from our first date onward, we spent every day together until I moved out the day after my 29th birthday. We did everything together, and almost nothing apart. She dumped me like I was garbage because she hadn't felt the same way about me for "like a month." I don't even think she knew or cared. She ran away, quit her job, gave our cat away, started seeing a "friend" who we had spent so much time together with, and went to live the life I dreamed of with her. There was no goodbye. I never got any closure. Over the course of a week I went from being her best friend to nothing, an enemy, a joke.

 

I know what happened. It's too long to explain. She did not feel like this for a long time. She didn't have to do it at all. A month later and she wouldn't have even remembered feeling the way she did. She ran away because she was afraid of being abandoned because she has BPD.

 

I loved her more than anything and I can't let her go. I don't know how. I don't want anyone else.

 

Having my most profound love ignored like it doesn't exist hurts. Having my agony ignored is even more agony. Life still feels like a ****ing nightmare.

[Itspointless]

Have you searched for therapy?

[Downtown]

I know what happened.... she has BPD.

Hello, Middle Earth (aka, "Beleriand"). Welcome to the LoveShack forum. BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) is a spectrum disorder. As such, it is not something that a person "has" or "doesn't have." Rather, it is something we all have to some degree. Hence, when you say that your exGF "has BPD," I assume you mean she exhibits full-blown BPD -- i.e., exhibits behaviors satisfying 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having the full-blown disorder. Is that correct? If so, was that determined by a psychologist or other professional?

 

I ask because, if your exGF is a BPDer, it is amazing that this is the first time in ten years she has broken up with you due to her abandonment fear. Because BPDers are so emotionally unstable, BPDer relationships typically go through several breakups before ending for good. A 2010 BPDfamily poll of over 400 such relationships found that 72% experience at least 3 breakups -- and about 25% experience 10 or more breakups before ending.

[d0nnivain]

You guys had been together for a decade. That is a long time. It's understandable that you would grieve for a long time.

 

 

But it has been 3 years. You can't live in the past. You have to do things to heal yourself.

 

 

Therapy may be a good idea. Think about it this way: if you had a broken arm you would go to a doctor for a cast, right? You wouldn't sit around for 3 years lamenting the fact that your muscles atrophied because you failed to get appropriate medical care. You have a broken heart. Get a doctor to help you heal.

[beleriand]

Thank you for the responses. I have been in therapy for two years. I currently have two therapists. I take MAOI antidepressants. Before I started taking them I was completely dysfunctional, like in a constant state of terror. I have not simply been laying around feeling sorry for myself. It doesn't matter. The feelings and ideas at play are too far reaching. They are too strong. I have an extremely precise and vivid memory.

 

I ask because, if your exGF is a BPDer, it is amazing that this is the first time in ten years she has broken up with you due to her abandonment fear. Because BPDers are so emotionally unstable, BPDer relationships typically go through several breakups before ending for good. A 2010 BPDfamily poll of over 400 such relationships found that 72% experience at least 3 breakups -- and about 25% experience 10 or more breakups before ending.

 

She's never been formally diagnosed. I'm almost certain she has it. My dad thinks she has the emotional maturity of a 16 year old, and one of my therapists independently said the exact same thing. History of self-harm which she makes seem unimportant, just something that felt good. Impulsivity? Dropped $50,000 to go to pastry school after thinking about it for a week, later denies ever wanting to be a pastry chef. Smoked crack. Married some dude for money. I mean, she's so bubbly and convincing that smoking crack didn't even occur to me as an impulsive behavior. She would get ultra jealous if I did anything without her. Like, I went to see Thor with my mom, specifically because my ex said she had no interest in seeing it. She complained about it for months.

 

Anyway, the reason we never broke up is because I was extremely devoted to her and super naive. You would laugh at the **** I put up with. It never even occurred to me to break up with her. I blamed everything on myself and endured so much negativity. For years and years I wished she wouldn't get me anything for my birthday so I wouldn't feel bad about breaking up with her. I internalized everything. I wanted out, but not because of her. We were best friends. I wanted out because the circumstances were horrible and she was incapable of hearing my dissatisfaction. I actually asked her "Did you realize that when I was angry, I was actually angry and not just some caricature?" and she said "no." Who doesn't realize other people have feelings? Anyway, I was insane to put up with her shenanigans. That's why we never split up. But, like, there was one time she "caught" me talking to some girl online - not flirting or sexting, just randomly exchanging a few comments. She woke up crying because of it. She writes me a note about how her idea of me is the most important thing in the world and she never wants to feel anything negative about me ever. She's bursting into tears while writing the note. Then, three months later she leaves me like it's nothing.

 

She hasn't been single since she was 13, and all of her boyfriends have been her ex's friends. I brought this up and she started crying and crying like I've never heard.

 

Anyway, I could go on and on. I've probably written 300,000 words on the subject. It's just that in my mind the past feels so much more real. And, my love seems so much bigger than any stupid thing I'm trying to do now. My therapists are sick of talking about this.

[Itspointless]

I have an extremely precise and vivid memory. [...] the reason we never broke up is because I was extremely devoted to her and super naive. You would laugh at the **** I put up with. [...] I internalized everything. I wanted out, but not because of her. We were best friends. I wanted out because the circumstances were horrible and she was incapable of hearing my dissatisfaction. [...] I was insane to put up with her shenanigans. [...] And, my love seems so much bigger than any stupid thing I'm trying to do now. My therapists are sick of talking about this.

Have your therapists pointed out to you how negative you talk about yourself? I also wonder of you ever read about anxious attachment? As for the vivid memory, I hear you! With your first post I was wondering if you ever have been diagnosed on ptsd?

[Downtown]

She's never been formally diagnosed. I'm almost certain she has it [bPD].

Perhaps so. Some of the behaviors you describe are classic warning signs for BPD. See, e.g., my list of BPD red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread.

 

My dad thinks she has the emotional maturity of a 16 year old, and one of my therapists independently said the exact same thing.

If she really is a BPDer, both of them likely are wrong about that. A BPDer typically has the emotional maturity of a 3- or 4-year-old child. This is why a BPDer relies on the primitive ego defenses available to young children. These include projection, denial, black-white thinking, magical thinking, and temper tantrums. To most laymen, this immaturity will not be apparent because they see a woman having the intelligence, knowledge, and body strength of a full-grown adult.

 

History of self-harm which she makes seem unimportant, just something that felt good.

As you likely already know, self harm such as cutting is so strongly associated with BPD that this behavioral trait is one of the nine defining symptoms used in diagnosing BPD. As to it "feeling good," that likely is true only in the sense that cutting makes the BPDer "feel better" -- i.e., less miserable -- by externalizing the pain. When the internal pain is severe, low-functioning BPDers often will cut or harm themselves to seek relief by getting that pain outside their bodies.

 

Impulsivity? Dropped $50,000 to go to pastry school after thinking about it for a week, later denies ever wanting to be a pastry chef. Smoked crack. Married some dude for money.

Yep, that's impulsivity. Like a four year old, a BPDer lacks impulse control because she has very little ability to regulate her own emotions. But you knew that already.

 

She hasn't been single since she was 13, and all of her boyfriends have been her ex's friends.

If she is a BPDer, she has such a fragile, weak self image that she seeks out a guy with a strong personality to provide the missing self identity. Of course, when you do EXACTLY THAT, a BPDer will resent you for being controlling and suffocating. Anyway, this is why BPDers HATE to be alone (i.e., they don't even have "themselves" to keep themselves company).

 

i haven't been able to live for three years and it's not getting any easier. The past seems so much more real than the present.

As your therapists likely have told you, the past seems "more real than the present" because that's where your attention is focused. If you were enrolled in a therapy such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy -- or Dialectical Behavior Therapy -- one of the first skills they would teach you is "mindfulness," i.e., how to remain in the present instead of escaping into the past or future in daydreams.

 

Anyway, I could go on and on. I've probably written 300,000 words on the subject.... My therapists are sick of talking about this.

Are you here, then, only to vent? Or are you wanting to discuss certain aspects of your situation? Edited November 29, 2015 by Downtown

[beleriand]

These include projection, denial, black-white thinking, magical thinking, and temper tantrums.

 

Yes, I'm very aware of all her tricks. Here's the thing: I lived with her for nine years and never once suspected her of having anything like BPD or any issues at all. I was always the crazy one. I was the sick one. I thought I had BPD. It was all me having to make sense of her and dealing with her on my own, in my first relationship ever. That's why our relationship didn't have the hallmark tumult of one with someone with BPD. Somehow I internalized all of it.

 

My mother has no friends. She's never had a single friend for my entire life. My dad and our small family is everything to her. My dad had an affair. This just destroyed her. But, she told no one. She doesn't even know I no. She didn't go to therapy.

 

So, I come from that. Every day of the relationship was stressful as ****, but I blamed it on my "depression." I mean, I lived for her, wanting nothing more than to "get better" so that we could be happy, for like 8 years. My life was nothing but holding on. Then, when she left like it was nothing, like my love and friendship were nothing to her, that's when it all came out.

 

No, I was not diagnosed with PTSD but I'm almost certain that I had it. My mood followed a classic pattern. There was the initial hurt, which was horrible. Then, I gradually got better and better until I had a dream about her which "triggered" the PTSD. From that point on it was constant terror. I had vivid nightmares every night. I felt like I was holding on for dear life until I could see a psychiatrist to get on some drugs. I remember them taking their good old time ramping up the dosage. Every day was just waiting anxiously for it to work. I was actually participating in a CBT study at the time so I have recorded data on how I was feeling. It was like 9/10 anxiety and depression, lots of suicidal thinking.

 

Anyway, I'll answer more of your post later. I did come to vent, but that was before I realized there were people here who would actually help. I haven't been on here in a few years. I'm used to venting on other sites and then having people tell me to lift weights or that she must have been feeling this way for a long time and you just didn't realize it, or that I sound angry and it's no wonder she left me.

 

Of course, when you do EXACTLY THAT, a BPDer will resent you for being controlling and suffocating.

 

Yes. She didn't "want to be [my] 'side car' anymore," even though I was basically just following her around, doing whatever she wanted to do because I didn't want to be a "controlling" boyfriend.

 

Thank you for at least considering the idea that this girl had BPD. I said my therapist thinks so, but she'll say that for a month, and then all of a sudden go back to telling me that she was feeling some way that I was unaware of for a long time and I just didn't realize it. Also, she was with the dude she ran away with - my "friend" long before she left me. My therapist tells me this because she "knows women," not because of anything I tell her. People are so incredulous. They have this idea that everything has to make sense, and if you contradict that idea, even with tons of evidence and memories, it doesn't matter because they can always just say "You can't know for sure what she was thinking."

 

Thank you.

[Downtown]

I was always the crazy one....I was not diagnosed with PTSD but I'm almost certain that I had it.

Given the level of severe pain you've been in for three years, Beleriand, it sounds like you had some issues (carried from early childhood) that predisposed you to be vulnerable to your exGF's behavior. As to your being "crazy," I cannot diagnose you but I can say that you've written nothing here to indicate that you are "crazy." For that to occur, you would have to be delusional about physical reality, e.g., believing that the TV news anchor is speaking to you personally during the news show.

 

Yet, if you actually have been dating a BPDer for 10 years, "crazy" is exactly how you should have felt in the last years of that toxic relationship. Of the 157 disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5), BPD is the one most notorious for making a large share of the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. This is why therapists see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going crazy -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves. (To a lesser extent, narcissism also tends to have that "crazymaking" effect on the partners).

 

I'll answer more of your post later. I did come to vent, but that was before I realized there were people here who would actually help.

Beleriand, I look forward to your next post. If you have some specific issues to raise, I would be glad to join ItsPointless and Donnivain in discussing them with you.

[Itspointless]

My mother has no friends. She's never had a single friend for my entire life. My dad and our small family is everything to her. My dad had an affair. This just destroyed her. But, she told no one. She doesn't even know I no. She didn't go to therapy.

 

So, I come from that. Every day of the relationship was stressful as ****, but I blamed it on my "depression." I mean, I lived for her, wanting nothing more than to "get better" so that we could be happy, for like 8 years. My life was nothing but holding on.

That could explain why you accepted the relation as it was. I think anxious attachment as well as codependency are useful concepts to learn a bit more about yourself and see where you can work on for yourself.

[Destiny15]

Hey beleriand,

 

I must say I really feel for you and I'm concerned that I am heading down the same path contrary to the theory that 'Time Heals Everything'.

 

I had the same symptoms for months after the breakup, I saw a therapist for about 6 months my anxiety was through the roof! I was riddled (And still am to be honest) with Suicidal symptoms. Every waking moment was a reminder that I lost the best thing that ever happened to me and that it was my fault.

 

I am just over a year from my breakup, however even though my relationship did not last 10 years my life seems to be broken up into two parts.

My life before the breakup and life afterwards.

The life before seems like a fairy-tale, i sometimes cant even believe I had a life like that. Now its a nightmare, I'm clouded and I find myself reminiscing about what I had all the time. I am aware that I am probably depressed however it all comes back to her so my guess it is PTSD.

The difference is I blame myself for the breakup.

 

3 years + plus is a long time struggle with this...I just dont see whats the point of living a life like this. I feel like I am being punished for eternity..

 

Has it go better for you at all? Has anything helped?

Apologies for hijacking your thread...just want to let you know you are not alone...

[Quiet Storm]

If she is BPD, then it's sad to say, but you're better off without her in your life. My sister is BPD... I know how painful is to love a Borderline .

 

When you think of her, try to focus on the person she is, not an idealistic view of her. Remember her true character and the dysfunction that causes so much havoc in the hearts and heads of Borderlines. She gave away your cat! That's really messed up, and it clearly shows she didn't consider your feelings, or the cats (what did the cat do her?).

 

Borderlines are slaves to their emotions and its really hard for them to see past their own feelings and have another's best interests at heart. This makes them bad at relationships.

 

You have to allow your rational mind to guide the emotional, weak part of yourself. It sounds crazy, but try this. Imagine that the smart, logical part of you is the "parent" and the sad, depressed, hurt part of you is the "child". Your logical "parent mind" can protect, guide and soothe the part of you that is in pain. Your logical parent mind can babysit the "child"- the emotional part of you that wants her back and dwells on the end of the relationship.

 

You will be OK.

[Itspointless]

I had the same symptoms for months after the breakup, I saw a therapist for about 6 months my anxiety was through the roof! I was riddled (And still am to be honest) with Suicidal symptoms. Every waking moment was a reminder that I lost the best thing that ever happened to me and that it was my fault.

 

I am just over a year from my breakup, however even though my relationship did not last 10 years my life seems to be broken up into two parts.

My life before the breakup and life afterwards.[...] Has it go better for you at all? Has anything helped?

Destiny15, I can give you that answer, it does get better. I have had this feeling a few times in my life. For me it all stems from loosing my mother to illness when I was an adolescent. I lost my latest ex also to illness (not death this time, but she pushed me away: she already had trouble with intimacy). It sent me right back to that earlier experience. I can now see that what I experienced long ago made me dissociate back then. And yes our reactions have a lot of traits of ptsd. With my latest ex I started to feel better after a year. I am now two years further, see is not out of my mind, but I (almost) feel good again. We can learn to feel normal again, but working on ourselves is important. Also some things in life will remain an open end, but they do not have to direct our life's: they get scars that sometimes will itch.

[beleriand]

Sorry, I need a break from talking about it. I will be back to respond more thoroughly.

 

I'll say that the one thing that really hurts, among many other things that really hurt, is that not only did she not want to be with me, but she didn't want to want to be with me. She specifically didn't want to want it. I said "please come see a therapist with me" and she said "no, because they'll make me want to be with you, and I never want to be with you again." You know? Like, how can you love someone and not hope that things could "work out" even though there was nothing wrong in the first place as far as how the two of us got along.

 

See, she was also a workaholic, and I mean a severe workaholic. She could not let her bosses down, no matter who they were. She once worked for >$3000 worth of wages, when she was earning like $7 an hour, that she didn't get payed for. Anyway, it got to the point that she was working all the time. She was on salary for a small business, and what that meant was that she had to do as much work as her bosses asked her to do, and they took full advantage of it. She was under this belief that she was some super manager and that the place would go out of business without her. It was a bakery. Her responsibilities were managing the employees, baking, cleaning, renovations, facebook, website, creating new recipes, cake decorating, cake delivery, email, going out securing accounts with retail locations, managing orders from retail locations, delivering orders to retail locations, hiring, firing, hours of phone conferences every week, going and manually buying all the ingredient for the bakery at Costco, making promo videos, managing the news letter.

 

When I say she was working all the time, I'm not exaggerating. We never had weekends or anything. And, when I couldn't take it any more, I think she became terrified that I was going to leave her permanently and imagined it being because she wasn't good enough for me. That was like her greatest fear or something. I mean, if I have felt this way, I can imagine trying to avoid it at all costs. It's been torturous. And, she just shut me out from that point on. She didn't even show any emotion over a decade long relationship. We grew up together. And, it wasn't like we were just dating. I slept over at her house, when she was in high school and from that point onward we spent almost every night for the next 9+ years together. I drove her to school every morning and picked her up afterwards. Then, we moved in together as soon as she graduated, and we lived together for the next 8 years. Two weeks before we broke up we were at a concert. Everything was completely normal. I'd even poke and prod at her to see if she thought anything was wrong with our relationship.

 

A few months earlier she candidly writes "I've been with my boyfriend for 9 years and I love him to death."

 

and this note which was prompted by my merely exchanging a few messages with some girl:

 

"So, I just woke up in your arms (something I constantly dream about happening) and I felt disgusted. I lay there trying to wipe the feeling away and appreciate the rare circumstance that I am in, but it is a persistent feeling. I move away, turn over, as do you, and we are no longer touching Except your hair on my face.

 

^^^

A sentence I couldn’t finish without bursting into tears. Also a rare circumstance that I long for every day. That is where I can really smell you. That holy fragrance that somehow represents your essence. It feels like with every inhalation I am feeling you – every part of who you are. It is too much for me to handle.

 

I feel terrible. My heart aches and I have adrenaline surging through my body. I don’t want to feel disgust toward you or about you ever. I feel like I am destroying your spirit with my thoughts or feelings. The concept of Noah has always been sacred to me. My knowledge of your existence, your true existence, everything that you are, is one of my most prized possessions. I don’t feel like it’s been destroyed, just more like some careless fool has spilled coffee on it."

 

But, when she left, no emotion. She gave our cat away. She threw all our stuff away. And, she just didn't care at all. It was like I was suddenly a different person to her. She would say **** about why she was breaking up and I'd point out that it was completely false and she'd just laugh and say she needed a therapist and was crazy, but if I called her crazy, she'd get all upset. She wouldn't talk to me until my dad her I needed closure, so she calls and says "In closing, I hope you're happy," while she's stealing my dog and going to date my friend when she promised not to, knowing it would make things so much more difficult.

 

I'm just ranting. I didn't intend on writing this much.

[Vilgefoz]

The past seems so much more real than the present. All I want to do is ****ing scream. I started dating her when I was 19, and from our first date onward, we spent every day together until I moved out the day after my 29th birthday. We did everything together, and almost nothing apart. She dumped me like I was garbage because she hadn't felt the same way about me for "like a month." I don't even think she knew or cared. She ran away, quit her job, gave our cat away, started seeing a "friend" who we had spent so much time together with, and went to live the life I dreamed of with her. There was no goodbye. I never got any closure. Over the course of a week I went from being her best friend to nothing, an enemy, a joke.

 

I know what happened. It's too long to explain. She did not feel like this for a long time. She didn't have to do it at all. A month later and she wouldn't have even remembered feeling the way she did. She ran away because she was afraid of being abandoned because she has BPD.

 

I loved her more than anything and I can't let her go. I don't know how. I don't want anyone else.

 

Having my most profound love ignored like it doesn't exist hurts. Having my agony ignored is even more agony. Life still feels like a ****ing nightmare.

 

 

You know, there is thing I admire and I am not able to comprehend any more: how do you people keep liking, loving, wanting back people who treated you so bad, revealed such bad traits and hurt you so much?

 

 

Please, I mean it. How come you still have these feelings for her? Or... is it just deep love that prevents you of doing any rational thinking?

[Glass Hut]

You know, there is thing I admire and I am not able to comprehend any more: how do you people keep liking, loving, wanting back people who treated you so bad, revealed such bad traits and hurt you so much?

 

 

Please, I mean it. How come you still have these feelings for her? Or... is it just deep love that prevents you of doing any rational thinking?

 

People get imprinted on your brain I think, even if they treat you like ****. I know this firsthand. It's shocking how hard it is to get them out of your head but you have to be really diciplined and do all the things that are suggested (exercise, socializing, staying busy etc.)

 

Honestly every time I think of her I freeze and my ambition drops. I will spend an extra hour in bed just thinking of how screwed up everything was. These thoughts need to go away as soon as possible or it seems time is just being wasted.

[Vilgefoz]

People get imprinted on your brain I think, even if they treat you like ****. I know this firsthand. It's shocking how hard it is to get them out of your head but you have to be really diciplined and do all the things that are suggested (exercise, socializing, staying busy etc.)

 

Honestly every time I think of her I freeze and my ambition drops. I will spend an extra hour in bed just thinking of how screwed up everything was. These thoughts need to go away as soon as possible or it seems time is just being wasted.

 

I trully admire you, maybe even envy you. You are full of love, probably compassion. About your case: yes, staying active and social is absolute must. Go train, go meet friends, focus to career, hobby and pain will slowly but surely go away...

 

for comparison: I feel no such things when sobody hurts me like you just described. I feel pain and anger to her, I feel I did mistake letting such person into my life and want to relieve this mood. Usually I go to gym to give away few punches or most usually, get knocked out myself (because I am not very good fighter ).

 

Be happy there is still so much love left in you.

[Glass Hut]

I trully admire you, maybe even envy you. You are full of love, probably compassion. About your case: yes, staying active and social is absolute must. Go train, go meet friends, focus to career, hobby and pain will slowly but surely go away...

 

for comparison: I feel no such things when sobody hurts me like you just described. I feel pain and anger to her, I feel I did mistake letting such person into my life and want to relieve this mood. Usually I go to gym to give away few punches or most usually, get knocked out myself (because I am not very good fighter ).

 

Be happy there is still so much love left in you.

 

Don't envy me, I'm human garbage. I've wasted all my time dwelling on the wrong girls and ignored ones that were interested in me. I can't relate to people who have been in happy relationships anymore.

[beleriand]

Have your therapists pointed out to you how negative you talk about yourself? I also wonder of you ever read about anxious attachment? As for the vivid memory, I hear you! With your first post I was wondering if you ever have been diagnosed on ptsd?

 

That's kind of just the way I talk. I don't think it actually reflects any negative beliefs about myself. I do have some issues with the way I view myself, but I don't think that's what's coming out there. I don't actually believe I was insane for putting up with certain things. I know what my reasons were. I was mistaken, but I understand why I did what I did. I was naive, but I'm not placing any negative value on it.

 

No, I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD. If I had to guess, I think I probably had it for a few months before I was prescribed my MAOI. I thought about her every single moment for a year, but I was functional. Then, I had a dream about her, and after that I was hanging on for dear life. I probably didn't do anything except lie in bed in terror for 3 months until I was able to get on medication. When that finally started working, it was the first time in a year that I was able to not think about her. Nothing was ever resolved, though.

 

Now, the medication seems to be pooping and I can't not think about her. I spent every day with her, so I've been everywhere and done everything with her. Everything reminds me of her. It's not like I dwell on it. It's like walking through the past.

 

What is making this so difficult for me is that I can't seem to alter the way I feel about her as being my best friend and that person to me. Like, from the very beginning, we just acted like we were lift partners and that we were never going to be apart. Then, she just abandoned the entire spirit of our relationship like it was just pretend, but not only that, she had to tell me about all her new ways of seeing it that basically unraveled anything she had ever said and felt about me. Then, she just left me with that, with no way of contending with it. She took everything I had believed in for 10 years and just tore it apart like it was nothing. But, I can't do it. It's that stupid The Cure song. It just validates how I feel. No matter what anyone else thinks and says about me needing to move on, no matter how much she hurt me, I just don't care. I can't let go.

Edited December 25, 2015 by beleriand