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Worn out and completely exhausted


kiki2015

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:(Don’t trust my own feelings anymore and feel stuck

 

Need to some advice or just encouraging words as I’m finding it difficult to forgive myself at the moment for all the little things I did wrong/didn’t pick up on.

 

Will try to keep this brief:

Relationship of 6.5 years ended 3 months ago. I am 34 (F) he is 33 (M) Was his decision. We lived together for 6 years. I moved to his country for an adventure (during my mid-late 20s) and stayed so long in part because I met him and we were happy for a long time. Jobs here are low paying and there is a language barrier so I took a commission only sales job for a US company. It was a challenge at first with lots of fun travel, but eventually wore me down and didn’t enjoy it. I hit 33 and basically burned out and ended up with mild depression but we didn’t realise this officially until we broke up. I’d actually started to come out of it in summer and after a few months of having a rough patch (I withdrew socially, let myself go a bit, wasn’t exercising, withdrew myself in bedroom sometimes as my office was in the bedroom, and it had a bad association, just wasn’t a good person to be around). Was socially isolated with working from home and lost myself. I was also spending less time with him as I was trying to explore other options of working online, and in other industries so I could be happy there doing something I enjoyed.

We’d also talked about moving to my country for a while but problem is, by the times things started getting better he’d already made up his mind he’d had enough. He said it was a hard decision.

 

When we were breaking up he told me that I told him it was his decision whether or not we stay together as I don’t want kids (!) I only vaguely remembered saying this and had completely forgotten about it until he told me. I must have said it when I was in a dark place and doubted my capabilities.

 

He’s not a great communicator and is introverted, but he was a great partner , very caring, intelligent, sensitive, stable and we had a great connection. He internalised his feelings and just blew up.

 

He was horrible though during the breakup week. Accusing me of not noticing him being distant, saying we have nothing in common (we do, we just haven’t been doing things together and got in a massive rut). He was crying too.

 

We didn’t get married as I told him I didn’t need it to be happy. I told him let’s work through this as I was starting to get better and he acknowledged that things had been getting better again but he couldn’t see a way forward as he knew I hated my business and it would be easier in my home country. He got a new job here and doubled his salary and realised he is quite happy where he is.

 

Another problem with expat life is that you make friends and people leave again so it’s hard to have deep friendships and people tend to move on so I gave up which was a mistake. Now I feel utterly lonely.

 

I did everything wrong during these break up conversations, begged, cried, but his mind was still made up. I think he expected me to go back to my home country but I didn’t, I moved into a rental for 3 months. He cut contact and said we should only keep in contact via email and to let him know if I needed anything. I got myself back to the gym, lost weight, got a coworking office and nice new place and reconnected with people.

 

I think there are other factors here, he said maybe he is afraid of commitment (I’m his first long term girlfriend) and he said he thinks he is going through some kind of crisis.

 

I thought if I took a step back and sorted myself out, physically, emotionally, mentally he’d be back, but he isn’t.

 

I’ve seen him twice for lunch in three months (I instigated it, yes I am stupid for this, I just can’t seem to make the right decisions at the moment). He was polite, had positive body language and gave me a big hug, and after that I realised I had to just give up and there is no point. He also said he knows he is stubborn and he said he didn’t realise if he loved me for the past year due to the way things have been and he is confused now there was a reason behind it. And he feels like a failure for not recognising it.

 

Obviously it seems we have had some massive communication problems but I thought we were very good together until all of this happened, and now I find myself questioning everything. I came here all happy and lively and I prepare to leave I feel drained. I’m trying to and now I took a lease to stay here another six months as I need to think about moving back to my own country as I’ve been living abroad for 10 years and it isn’t an easy transition after getting over depression, break up, trying not to get depressed again, trying to change career and possible going from the freedom of self-employment back to employment. Also, my friends and family are all in different cities so I’d be starting from scratch again and it’s terrifying me.

 

I also do love it in this country, but it’s difficult to stay in the long term without him, both practically and emotionally, and I have to admit, the thought of never seeing him again is soul destroying.

 

I don’t know if he had someone else lined up or not. I did ask him but he said it’s not the case, he said he’s just felt miserable with me for the past year and hoped it would get better and he said he should have said something earlier.

I’m wavering between wanting him back, not wanting him back, getting angry at myself, being in complete denial, and moving on without actually physically moving. I don’t want to get involved with anybody else, there would be no point.

 

I was getting better then after three weeks of no contact he reached out to ask if I was still here in the country and if I managed to get a new apartment sorted and stupidly I replied that I did and he didn’t write back.

 

I’m just utterly confused. I feel like I’m equally responsible for my own misery and obviously if he wanted to get back with me he’d have made an effort. I’m no contact again now, not accepting breadcrumbs I’m just having a hard time accepting the reality of the situation. One minute we’re talking about buying a house together and the next we're done.

 

My parents suggested I stay here for a while but maybe it wasn’t a good idea. I’m sure I’d feel tougher if this has happened at home, I just felt completely abandoned being abroad.

 

I keep thinking of all my mistake and things I said that pushed him away and I can’t help but angry at myself as I feel like I’ve taken a good man for granted. We all have times in my life when we feel a bit down but this really knocked me for six as I’ve never had depression before, not even mildly, so had no idea what was going on with me.

 

What would you all do in my situation?

Edited by kiki2015
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He’s not a great communicator and is introverted […] I think there are other factors here, he said maybe he is afraid of commitment (I’m his first long term girlfriend) and he said he thinks he is going through some kind of crisis. […] Obviously it seems we have had some massive communication problems but I thought we were very good together until all of this happened, and now I find myself questioning everything. […] He also said he knows he is stubborn and he said he didn’t realise if he loved me for the past year due to the way things have been and he is confused now there was a reason behind it. And he feels like a failure for not recognising it. [...] I keep thinking of all my mistake and things I said that pushed him away and I can’t help but angry at myself as I feel like I’ve taken a good man for granted. We all have times in my life when we feel a bit down but this really knocked me for six as I’ve never had depression before, not even mildly, so had no idea what was going on with me.

First you have to give yourself a break, depression is not an easy thing to go through. Being hard on yourself is the opposite of how you should treat yourself. What stands out for me is that you say that he is not a good good communicator. I am very introverted myself and find good communication the most importance thing. Perhaps you have said some things when you were in a dark place, but he have should have communicated with you. He should have voiced what he was feeling and thinking. Sometimes people with depression push people away, but even then, he could have searched for help. I also do not find fear of commitment an excuse. Did he search for help for his own problems? Is he willing to search for help? I do not read anything about that. You perhaps weren't an angel due to circumstances, but idealizing him does not seem appropriate either. It is good he feels ashamed about that.

 

Take good care of yourself.

Edited by Itspointless
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Hi itspointless,

 

You are right I maybe have idealized him somewhat. I honestly have no idea what he is doing right now, he cut of communication straight away and it was me who wanted to keep meeting him to prove that I am ok and we can sort things out.

 

Then I read through the forums here and think back to some things he said and they way he was acting was similar to a previous ex who was too cowardly to say he had somebody else and it wasn't until my housemate went through his credit card bill 2 months later (yes I know it's bad) that we found the truth. And it was only then I had to trick mutual friends into admitting I knew for them to confess they knew something was going on.

 

Anyway, that was a different relationship, so i try not to bring it into this one.

 

It was like he just completely gave up and that was it, his mind was made up. There was nothing that could be done and no going back or even try to work on it. He only reached out twice in 2 months and it has been me so I have given up now and there is nothing I can do so just getting on as best I can. I just don't know how people can walk away without even trying to discuss things through first.

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Hi itspointless,

 

You are right I maybe have idealized him somewhat. I honestly have no idea what he is doing right now, he cut of communication straight away and it was me who wanted to keep meeting him to prove that I am ok and we can sort things out.

 

Then I read through the forums here and think back to some things he said and they way he was acting was similar to a previous ex who was too cowardly to say he had somebody else and it wasn't until my housemate went through his credit card bill 2 months later (yes I know it's bad) that we found the truth. And it was only then I had to trick mutual friends into admitting I knew for them to confess they knew something was going on.

 

Anyway, that was a different relationship, so i try not to bring it into this one.

 

It was like he just completely gave up and that was it, his mind was made up. There was nothing that could be done and no going back or even try to work on it. He only reached out twice in 2 months and it has been me so I have given up now and there is nothing I can do so just getting on as best I can. I just don't know how people can walk away without even trying to discuss things through first.

Hi Kiki, there are some possibilities, it is possible that he went shopping while you were depressed. In that case he really is not worth it. Also attachment styles do have an effect on how we treat memories. His behaviour also could be explained with that explanation. It amazes me just as much to be honest that people can do such things. I understand that you would like to have answers, so I wont judge you that you went for somewhat more extreme solutions in the past.

 

The lesson here is that apparently you seek guys who are not the best communicators. When they face problems they try to find the answers outside the relation. it is wisest for you to investigate what was the common denominator between them that attracted you. It probably is something that is familiar to you and stems from your past: as it almost always is ... Also try to search for what it was that you brought to those relationships; positively and negative.

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