Juggling with Knives and Fire

[TheAlienPrince]

Around 6 years ago I had a terrible break up (my 2nd).

Until recently it used to haunt me.

I recently found out that one of the ex (my 1st) was the reason for my 2nd break up. Never understood why she would do that though. Both of them left me and not the other way around.

 

That break up screwed me up. Multiple suicide attempts. Years of counseling and medication. I was but a college student and this caused my career to come to a staggering halt. I was once considered the mad genius of my class and here I am.... Wasted my life for a girl who probably doesn't even care anymore.

 

Then a wonderful thing happened. I met with this girl. She was my unrequited love for years before my first relation. I would never miss a chance to grab this opportunity. She helped me out of my depression and life smoothed out. I got a hold of my career. I am still studying. Since I left college in mid.... Sadly I had to start studying from the bottom up all over again. I was past the age for entrance exams so I had to do diplomas and use bypasses of entrance exams designed for professionals in the field instead of amateurs like me. But my girl was always there for me.

This year I finally caught up. My classmates are all all aged exactly the age I left college.

 

But that's not why I'm here.

 

This year in March I got married to my girl. Now, in Feb, I found a wonderful gal. A college-mate. Her personality, her way of talking, her likes, her dislikes, everything about her matches my 2nd ex. Every detail.

 

Initially I became her friend. Now, since I am older than my classmates, I don't have friends anymore. I made a friend after years. It was a fun experience. But then I fell for her. She fell for me.

And that spelt my doom. I love my wife and I can't lose her. She is too precious. I know for a certainty that I will fall back into depression if I lose my only support in the world.

 

I don't want to justify why I fell for another girl. I just wanted emotional support from someone who doesn't feel sad every time I'm sad. I didn't want to inflict pain on my wife anymore.

 

This new girl was my Fire and my wife was the Knives. Day by Day it became harder to Juggle between them.

 

I didn't do anything with my Fire. Well, not to the extent that we could call it an affair. Nothing physical. But, still.... We both were guilty.

 

Now, I don't lie. I hate to lie. Hiding is not easy for a guy like me.

My wife had a slight idea about this girl. But I always convinced her that she was just my best friend.

 

Few days ago, I couldn't hold it anymore. I told my wife that I fell for another girl. I have held up some details but that doesn't really matter.

 

I told Fire that I told my wife. She was very very upset.

Well, I think that the guilt was eating her up from the inside too.

I know for a fact that she was always trying to find a reason to break up from me. And She used the fact that I told my wife about her as an excuse to break up from me. I wish she had used some other excuse though. This is plain stupid. She broke up with me last night. What I don't understand is why did she use all the harsh words. I was always sweet to her.

 

Well, last few days were horrible. Since I had hidden a certain amount of details from my wife, it was not very hard to make her forgive me. That's done. I have exams from 1st. So I was already in tons of stress. I lost a girl who I never wanted to lose. I wanted to preserve the friendship as a friendship and suppress my love for her. But...

 

Anyways. It is around 24 hours now. My Migraine is not tormenting me anymore. My body isn't aching as much either. But still feeling Nausea. I have not told my wife that my friendship is gone, yet.

I am blaming my stress on studies and stuff. Easy to get away with it.

 

My last contact with Fire was today morning. I sent a message on an IM we usually used to chat on. But I was quite certain that she had deleted the app and I wanted to vent out my feelings. I messaged her thinking that it was just a ghost account. When I realized that she had not deleted the App yet, I ran away. I didn't want to contact her.

 

Life is strange though. All I wanted was a friend and ended up with so much hurt. I am not depressed and I know that I can get over her. (I will never repeat my mistakes from my 2nd ex's time).

But I really wish that she comes back and become friends with me again in the Future.

[Mcnulty]

You need to grow up and be thankful for what you have, instead of dipping your toes in other waters.

The hurt people on here would kill for what you have, don't abuse it any longer.