How do you measure your healing?

[chapter44]

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

 

 

So it's been 6 months since I broke up with my ex of 5 years. I have not had any contact with her since that day and had absolutely no plans to. It hasn't always been easy and I have thought of her from time to time but I know deep down she will never change. Lying and cheating are just who she is and that just doesn't work for me as I am sure many of you can relate.

 

 

So out of the blue on Saturday I get a voicemail from a number I don't recognize. Of course it's her saying she was thinking of me on our first snowfall of the year (a memory that holds a special meaning to both of us). That has been the pattern for the better part of our relationship, one day she says she wants to marry me, the next she's going out with another man, usually telling the most reprehensible lie to cover her tracks. I eventually find out and end things and suddenly her cheating becomes my fault. Weeks or months later she calls saying she misses me blah blah blah... Of course the other guy didn't turn out to be what she was looking for.

 

 

This time was different I did eventually call her back after she told me she had been hit by a car while walking her dog and was injured. I still care about her well being and the well being of her kids so I did want to check on her to make sure she was ok. We talked for quite some time but I avoided any relationship talk or talk about my personal life. I approached it as I would anyone who was in an accident and that I cared for. When the call ended I felt a sense of sadness for her and of course the final grief of a relationship that once held so much promise.

 

 

Since that relationship ended I have dated a few times but wasn't really into it so I stopped. I am at the point where I just believe I will meet someone when the time is right and things will just click like they have in the past. I am happy with where I am and I enjoy my life as it is.

 

 

So my question to all of you is was there a single moment in time where you knew you were over your ex? What was the benchmark for you? For me it was being able to talk to her without any resentment, anger, or longing to be together with her again. That I could show concern and compassion for her without the hope of us reconciling.

[TheAlienPrince]

I have been in contact with my 1st ex since ages now. I have stopped craving her years ago. I know that she has caused me hell's worth of pain but I forgave her.

 

I think I was healed when I decided to forgive her.

While forgiving her, I did some self reflection and saw my own faults too. I forgave myself too. The moment everything was forgiven, I felt bliss.

[loveweary11]

The most accurate metric, in my experience, is counting how many times you have any thought at all of your ex. (outside this forum, where ex thoughts come up frequently due to relating to others)

 

Im looking at maybe 3 thoughts this calendar year. m

 

Pretty well done.

 

My thoughts now surround new girls.

[Goodbye]

What I've found is that healing is not a linear process. You will never know if you are completely "healed." All you can know if is you are more or less happy in your present life.

 

I posted a while ago that I was surprised by a moment of grief over my ex husband, given that it was a pretty awful marriage at the end, and it has been over for more than five years. Grief can come on randomly, long after healing has occurred.

 

I let very few people truly into my heart. Once I do, they are there forever...even if I needed to end the relationship because it was unhealthy, or they ended it. You give pieces of yourself away.

 

That is ok though. I think it builds character and compassion and gives you a deeper understanding of yourself going forward.

 

I would consider myself "recovered" from my ex husband. I still grieve some days, but I know it is over and for the best. I accept it. I rarely grieve my exBF, post divorce. He treated me so poorly, the animosity outweighs the nostalgia. But even still, I do have quiet lonely nights when I have wistful thoughts.

 

Eventually I will find someone new and hopefully with the wisdom of years and experience, it will be a solid match. Most likely we will both have histories. Our past is gone but not forgotten. The key is not letting any lingering feelings interfere will love going forward. I think you are "healed" when you are really open to meeting someone new and different from your EX...instead of just trying to find a replacement for that love. I think I am there. I just don't know how to find him.

[chapter44]

What I've found is that healing is not a linear process. You will never know if you are completely "healed." All you can know if is you are more or less happy in your present life.

 

I posted a while ago that I was surprised by a moment of grief over my ex husband, given that it was a pretty awful marriage at the end, and it has been over for more than five years. Grief can come on randomly, long after healing has occurred.

 

I let very few people truly into my heart. Once I do, they are there forever...even if I needed to end the relationship because it was unhealthy, or they ended it. You give pieces of yourself away.

 

That is ok though. I think it builds character and compassion and gives you a deeper understanding of yourself going forward.

 

I would consider myself "recovered" from my ex husband. I still grieve some days, but I know it is over and for the best. I accept it. I rarely grieve my exBF, post divorce. He treated me so poorly, the animosity outweighs the nostalgia. But even still, I do have quiet lonely nights when I have wistful thoughts.

 

Eventually I will find someone new and hopefully with the wisdom of years and experience, it will be a solid match. Most likely we will both have histories. Our past is gone but not forgotten. The key is not letting any lingering feelings interfere will love going forward. I think you are "healed" when you are really open to meeting someone new and different from your EX...instead of just trying to find a replacement for that love. I think I am there. I just don't know how to find him.

 

 

Goodbye:

 

 

Thank you for your wise words. So much of what you said resonates with me, especially the part where you said once you let someone in they are there forever. I couldn't agree more with that and have often paraphrased that myself. I think given the way things ended with us I was surprised that I could respond to her with sincere compassion for her accident without letting it affect me in any way other than general concern.

 

 

Like you I also know that I will find the right person and have the type of relationship that I want and have worked towards. Maybe I am a bit of a dreamer but I believe when you're ready you wont have to "find it" instead it will find you!

 

 

I hope you enjoyed the holiday with your girls. As always thank you for your response.

[darkbloom]

I don't know how you tell when you stop caring. You can think that you are over it and something insignificant will happen that will bring it all back. It feels like the hole they left will always be there.