Ups and Downs

[Hector23]

Hey guys, great to see all the support and advice on here!

 

Long story short, about 2 weeks ago my gf (of 2 years) and I broke up. What happened was that she claimed she needed space, to which I agreed to give her. I then found out that during the time I gave her space, she was seeing another guy and admitted to her friend that she had feelings for him. She even spent multiple nights at his house and he slept over at hers (they had sex). I know this for sure. I then realized that the only reason she asked for space was so she can see how things went with that guy before leaving me for good. I found out, but didn't say anything because I knew I was breaking up with her and wanted to see how long it would take her to call/message me. At the end of the week she calls me saying "I think we should break up for now" to which I say, "We're going to break up for good. I know whats been happening. I'll give you a chance to come clean and keep some dignity, and maybe I'll have the tiniest bit of respect for your honesty." To which she replied "I don't have to explain anything, nothing is going on". I hung up on her and haven't talked to her since. She is now in a relationship with this guy, but is keeping it on the down low (none of her friends know about it).

 

My friends and family have been really supportive and for the most part I feel like I deserve better and am happy that this happened sooner rather than when we were married. It also showed me what kind of person she really is. I am taking a lot of time to do the things I've always wanted to do, and am enjoying it. However, sometimes I get these waves of sadness/loneliness, where I get upset and somehow feel that there could have more that I could have done to keep her around. Although I know I did absolutely everything. I was just wondering if this was normal? For the most part I am happy, but these waves just bum me out. I've heard from mutual friends that she gets them to sleep over or she sleeps over at their houses, possible because she doesn't want to be/can't be alone. I wonder if she thinks about what she has done or if she even feels bad about it?

 

No contact/not going through her social media has definitely helped a lot, but unfortunately I cannot control how often I think about what we had, any tips to get my mind off of it other than just keeping myself busy?

[Stressed_26]

I am not in the place to offer any tips or suggestions, but just letting you know that I totally empathize with your situation.

[Bito]

Unfortunately there is no silver bullet here. You will undoubtedly have some **** days where you can't get her or the "good" times out of your head. This is healthy and normal. It's ok to feel unhappy.

 

Just remember nothing lasts forever...

[Michelle ma Belle]

Unfortunately there is no silver bullet here. You will undoubtedly have some **** days where you can't get her or the "good" times out of your head. This is healthy and normal. It's ok to feel unhappy.

 

Just remember nothing lasts forever...

 

I second this.

[SoThatHappened]

Ugh, the roller coaster waves. Still get them here and there after a year and a half.

 

Nothing you can do about them. They suck. Maybe can be equated to physical flare-ups that you mentally can't control.

 

It's been a year and a half for me, but every once in a while (less and less as time goes on), I'll just have one of those days.

 

I think it's especially hard when you don't see it coming and weren't expecting it. It's compounded when you are cheated on.

 

Just... keep... going. That's all you can do.

[Hector23]

Thanks guys, yes it sucks but I've been having more good days than bad which feels nice. The sadness come back mostly when I'm alone or not busy doing something. I'm sure all it takes is time.

[2mehappiness]

Yesterday was a bad day for me. I felt like I was on an upward spiral for the past few weeks, progressing relatively well. Something was triggered yesterday which made me missed my ex a lot...to a point that I wanted to break NC and tell him I am willing to compromise everything. I was so upset with myself that I felt like I was back to square 1 and was concerned I wont be able to move on. I had to chat with a lot of friends and co-workers and by a lot of encouragement, I was able to relax a bit more. Today I rebounded back and I feel happy, genuinely happy. So it happens to everyone . But I find that I am having more good days than bad days as the time goes on.

[mgce]

I'm so sorry, Hector.

 

Your story is awfully similar to my own - only you've finally had the conversation I still have yet to have. It was only this past Sunday I finally figured out what "needing space" means.

 

All I can say is I know your pain, deeply. I'm glad you're starting to feel better.

[moonwalker86]

I've been doing good the last few days but today just totally sucked. I was at the mall and just seeing all the christmas stuff just made my heart feel REALLY heavy. Just knowing that this is the last Christmas we spend together living under one roof, it's tough as hell. I'm just digesting all the small things that come with this experience. Whenever I hit these new feelings that come with things I haven't experienced it hurts but the breakup is recent so I expect to come across situations that will remind me heavily of what we used to have.

 

I don't know if this will help anyone else but I've deleted all the love songs I had on my computer, I just can't listen to them no matter how much I liked the songs before. I only listen to upbeat music now, stuff with a positive message as well, like songs that talk about tomorrow being a better day. You should try it.

[Hector23]

Mgce- Well if it makes you feel any better, know that it's not just you going through this. Reading through this forum it seems like this thing happens often. It's better for this to have happened sooner than later, and we can take this as a learning experience. It'll be tough and coping won't be easy, but it's not impossible. If you thought you guys had everything and she acted the way she did, imagine how the person that truly loves you will ake you feel. You'll be happy you got rid of this girl!

 

Moonwalker- Same here, one of the toughest things I find is that we broke up close to the holidays, which we spent together ever since we started dating, so all those jolly memories come back and the sadness and loneliness sink in. Just think of all the good memories you'll have this year with friends and family, maybe even a new s.o.! Thanks for the advice, i tried it and it helps! Putting the music on shuffle and not getting bummed out or worrying if a love song will come on is a good feeling.

[moonwalker86]

Moonwalker- Same here, one of the toughest things I find is that we broke up close to the holidays, which we spent together ever since we started dating, so all those jolly memories come back and the sadness and loneliness sink in. Just think of all the good memories you'll have this year with friends and family, maybe even a new s.o.! Thanks for the advice, i tried it and it helps! Putting the music on shuffle and not getting bummed out or worrying if a love song will come on is a good feeling.

 

Yea it's a real kick in the nuts. Sucks extra seeing all the emphasis on "family" and everything man. I suppose it's all about getting used to it. I keep telling myself I'm a strong person and that even though at first I thought this would destroy me, that I will overcome it and I will persevere in the face of all this heartache and be a stronger person. I am starting to approach it with a "warrior" mentality, as silly as it may sound, it's helping. This voice inside my head spews positivity when I treat it that way. I am starting to get to a point where the voice is saying "stop wanting to win her over, make her regret letting you go". You know, better myself in every way possible and make her realise what she has lost in me, not in a way that's trying to make her life miserable as I don't want that, but in a way that just makes her see my worth as a human being.

The song thing does help a lot huh. Glad it's doing something for you! I definitely will create good memories as life goes on regardless. I think positive talk is the best thing to do. Exercise helps a lot too, releases a lot of good endorphines or whatever in your brain lol. Really helps you see outside yourself.

It's easy to get caught in negative thinking and feeling sorry for yourself. God have I felt it bad. And it isn't all peachy, I have my lows but the clarity is becoming more, well, clear.