Funeral this Sunday

[mortensorchid]

This is a situation I am in now. Never let it be said that one will not run out of first time experiences in life, let alone awkward ones. Let me explain...

 

I had known this man for a few years, just a casual acquaintance from a group of friends. In the last two years, we had become very tight. His marriage came to an end, he told me. I had never met his wife, he talked about her once or twice, he and his wife separated. He moved out of the house and got an apartment near me (purely coincidence). He and I would hang out, he was just a friend. Then one day about four months ago, he leaned over and kissed me. I said "You're married to someone else." He said "I'm separated." I said "I realize, this is dangerous." He said "Ok." Then, about four months ago we were having an IM chat and he said "Come see me tonight." I said "Are you saying?" He said "Yes, I am saying." So I did. For the last three and half / four months, he and I were lovers. I was not in love with him, I cared for him, but was not in love with him.

 

Last Sunday, he came over. After we had done the deed, he went into the bathroom. After 10 minutes I asked if he was ok in there, he said he was. He came out and he looked very strange, he was sweaty and flushed, he said he didn't feel well. I asked if he meant he had a cold or flu, he said no he felt dizzy. I gave him some bottled water, he drank it and said he was going to go home and sleep it off. I said ok. The next day, I sent a text saying I hoped he felt better. No response. The day after that, I called and got his voice mail and said it was me, I hope he felt better. The day after that, there was no response. And then I called again and got his voice mail and said it was me I hope I don't sound clingy but when a person does not return a phone call or a text is one thing but when I see that a person has not been online for three days, this concerns me. Will you call me back and tell me that I am just being paranoid because that will make me feel better, ok? But I was not being paranoid.

 

As a matter of fact, he went home on Sunday night, went to bed, and died of a heart attack in his sleep at age 44. I cannot begin to tell of what I felt and what I have been feeling at the moment of learning of his death up until now. All I can say is that I am in denial as to how I am feeling. I think that he's not dead, he left. He went somewhere and he didn't tell anyone where he was going but he's going to come back, but of course I know he isn't.

 

The funeral is Sunday. I will be there, I am going for him because when people die you go to their funerals. This will be awkward to say the least. Chances are I am going to meet his family and probably his estranged wife as well. I am her estranged husband's lover that no one knew about. This is ... This is what it is.

[anika99]

I'm sorry MO. Death is always hard to deal with and when it comes suddenly and unexpectedly it can feel surreal. Even though you weren't in love with this man you cared about him and your relationship was abruptly halted. This is going to require some processing. You will probably experience a wide range of emotions over the next while. Perhaps attending the funeral will make his passing more real to you and help you past the denial. Round up some emotional support so you don't have to suffer alone when the hard moments happen.

 

If you go to the funeral you should probably just identify yourself as a good friend.

Edited November 21, 2015 by anika99

[TunaInTheBrine]

Oh man, I'm really sorry to hear about all of this. I'm also really sorry you have to go through being in such a silent position through it too. Is there anyone you are close to whom you can confide in and process this with? I feel like it's just too much to sit alone with. Allow yourself to mourn this loss and feel what you need to feel. I do hope you have someone you can sit with and talk to about this!

[Gretel]

I am very sorry for your loss. Even though you say you weren't in love with him, it sounds like he was occupying a special place in your life. Sudden death at a too young age is a very difficult thing to accept. I recently experienced this with an exboyfriend I hadn't even seen in almost 30 years, and it really derailed me for a while. Being the "other woman" at his funeral was something I did not experience, as I couldn't physically get there nor would I have felt it was right for me to go even had I been able to. But I think in your case it is a good thing to attend. Since he and his wife were separated it shouldn't be too shocking that you and he were lovers, but in light of the situation I agree it might be better for you to say you were a friend. Again, I am very sorry.