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Someone has to get hurt


Stressed_26

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It seems I will never be away from LS. I come here for one BU, heal from it and land right into another BU. So here I am again !

 

Met this girl, wasn’t planning anything serious but after two months she wanted to be exclusive. I agreed as I thought in two months I could trust her and she would not hurt me. I had pretty bad experience in my immediate previous relationship where my gf broke up over whatsapp message. So we were serious, pretty much living together at my place. She was bit needy, jealous and I tried my best to always comfort her. She made me meet her friends and I also got messages from them as to how nicely I treat her and she deserves it.

 

One fine day she goes to a birthday party, gets drunk, kisses a guy and next day tells me that she now has no feelings for me and all feelings for the new guy. I was left dumbfounded, but I didn’t beg or plead. I just said that she has no right to hurt me like this, and how can she change feelings like flick of a switch. Her response was – someone has to get hurt, you have been hurt before so you would be okay, and she can’t help it. Next day she changed her phone number, deleted my number and now no way I could contact her. It’s been three weeks now.

 

I have tried my best but I can’t take this unfairness, I can’t take this logic that someone has to get hurt, and I can’t take the argument that everyone gets over any kind of hurt so you will. Does that give someone the right to hurt others? Who will take care of justice here.

Now she is with the new guy – and I feel so used and disposable. She knew I had too much going on my life this year – March – I somehow came out of my previous BU, June – an immediate family member was murdered, and now I am in a new job. I don’t feel like working and I am sure I will lose my job pretty soon.

 

She also refused to meet me one last time. I just can’t understand how one can hurt others ? I even called her same friend and she said - **** happens so take it.

 

Guess what I can’t take it if I have done nothing wrong. I will not be able to take this injustice.

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Why would you want to meet someone who has 0 respect for you?

 

Treat her the same way you'd treat someone at the store who was rude to you; just ignore them and leave them out of your life.

 

She doesn't deserve any of this energy you're spending.

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Life is unfair. Sometimes we unknowingly get involved with the the some of the biggest A-Holes on the planet.

 

This girl was unfortunately one of em. She obviously didn't give a crap about you or your feelings so just move and try not to dwell on the injustice.

 

Cuz the fact is sometimes very bad things happen to very good people. Its just how the world works.

 

So next time you choose someone, get a good feel of who they are first. Don't invest your all in the relationship too quickly cuz frankly that's one of the worst things you could do.

 

Two months was too short a time to come to the conclusion she could be trusted. That's where you went wrong. Don't make the same mistake twice.

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Well this girl sounds like a total flake and you are well rid of her.

 

That being said usually one person is more hurt in a break up. The one doing the breaking up is usually less hurt then the one on the receiving end, however even the most hurt one will usually arrive at a point of being glad for the breakup once their hurt subsides. Because who really wants to be with someone who would callously dump them anyways. If your BF or GF is dumping you without any logical reason then that is all you need as evidence that this person is not the one.

 

Sometimes the hurt person also needs to take some responsibility for protecting themselves. A relationship that is only a few months along cannot be serious. A few months in is still just the getting to know each other phase. It's not at the point of making serious commitments and long term plans. You should not be pinning your hopes and dreams on someone you have only been dating for a few months. It's fine to be exclusive but realize that for the first year it's still just testing the waters.

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after two months she wanted to be exclusive...So we were serious, pretty much living together at my place

 

After only 2 months you were serious and "pretty much living together".

 

That's too much too fast. Relationships that start fast, run hot, also die fast. Too much emotion too fast, people aren't built like that.

 

I just said that she has no right to hurt me like this

 

Sure she has the right to hurt you like that (if you give her the power). She can do whatever she wants, it's her life, and if her actions cause you to be hurt, than that's just how it is, no laws have been broken, and you don't control her or own her.

 

how can she change feelings like flick of a switch.

 

Like I said above, things moved to fast, it wasn't real, at least not for her. She could have been in denial and then one day, she suddenly realized the "honeymoon stage" was over and she just wasn't all that into you.

 

I have tried my best but I can’t take this unfairness, I can’t take this logic that someone has to get hurt, and I can’t take the argument that everyone gets over any kind of hurt so you will. Does that give someone the right to hurt others?

 

You HAVE to take it. Life aint fair and like I said, no laws have been broken and she does have the right to change her mind and move on with someone else as she has done.

 

Who will take care of justice here.

 

This has nothing to do with justice.

 

I don’t feel like working and I am sure I will lose my job pretty soon.

 

You were together, what, a few months? You're so despondant that your work is suffering and you'll probably get fired? Suck it up, find a way to get through the day and things will get better. Or, give in to it and things will get a heck of a lot worse.

 

She also refused to meet me one last time.

 

She's done with you. I get it, when I'm done with a person I don't want to see them, I want nothing to do with them, it's just too uncomfortable and awkward, and there's nothing to be gained. She won't tell you anything you don't already know.

 

I even called her same friend and she said - **** happens so take it.

 

That's about right. Take it, deal with it, and move on with your life.

 

Guess what I can’t take it if I have done nothing wrong. I will not be able to take this injustice.

 

So what are you going to do about it? Wait to get fired, and then crawl in a hole somewhere?

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Thanks for the replies. I know it was too short for a relationship. However if you have are with someone for three months how can you not have feelings for the other person.

 

How can you not get hurt by feeling so used and disposed.

 

Also by changing her numbers she is making me feel like a bad guy as if I was calling her constantly. I had only sent her 4 whatsapp messages to not break up over text and meet. Not a single call but I am being made the bad guy here. I know this from that friend who said you were calling her so she changed her number.

 

I didn't trust her so far in the three months for her to be my gf. I guess what is hurting me is the sense of being wronged here.

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You were together only 3 months, you're taking this way too hard.

 

You really need to figure out why you're so weak that a short term fling causes you devastation to the point that you're in danger of getting fired from your job.

 

Who cares that she changed her numbers and you're "being made the bad guy".

 

None of that matters. SHE doesn't matter, nor what any of her friends might think, they're no longer part of your life.

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The reason is that I am a fair person and I would have never hurt anyone like this. I have never cheated or wronged someone nor I would ever do that.

 

What is wrong here is that I was pulled into this which was totally unnecessary. I was not in a place to start anything with anyone yet for her sake I got into this. I told her how I feel that I can't trust anyone, etc. She convinced me she will not do it. Where is her side of bargain now ?

 

And she doesn't give a damn about me anymore. I could have changed my numbers when she wanted to go exclusive, but I respected her and agreed to it.

I think I am not able to express myself here.

 

(About my job - it is a new job and I don't have any past equity here. I have to prove myself, and with this sort of stress I can't focus much)

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Also in some sort of weird way it would give me some satisfaction to know that she misses me or feels bad to do this to me or regrets it. Nothing - she is going out with the new guy.

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Also in some sort of weird way it would give me some satisfaction to know that she misses me or feels bad to do this to me or regrets it. Nothing - she is going out with the new guy.

 

You're letting her have control of your emotions. She already has made it LOUD AND CLEAR she does not miss you. She does not feel bad. She does not regret her decision.

 

The rub is that it doesn't matter. Why care if this emotionless, and vapid, and rather cruel person thinks or feels these things? It doesn't matter other than to soothe your ego. That's all. And honestly, you're better off without her. Let it go before it consumes you.

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What is wrong here is that I was pulled into this which was totally unnecessary. I was not in a place to start anything with anyone yet for her sake I got into this.

 

Oh just stop. No one forced you to do anything. Be accountable for your own actions. Know that you can never trust anyone else, you took a gamble and you lost.

 

Where is her side of bargain now ?

 

It's history. Next question?

 

And she doesn't give a damn about me anymore.

 

That's obvious.

 

(About my job - it is a new job and I don't have any past equity here. I have to prove myself, and with this sort of stress I can't focus much)

 

You need to get a grip. A 3 month relationship failing is not worth job loss. SHE is not worth job loss.

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SoThatHappened
So we were serious, pretty much living together at my place. She was bit needy, jealous and I tried my best to always comfort her. She made me meet her friends and I also got messages from them as to how nicely I treat her and she deserves it.

Not going to be as harsh as others have been so far (since I've been through the wringer), but I wanted to quote the above.

 

Focus on why you were serious so quickly, moved her in so quickly, and why you comforted her and were her white knight.

 

Been there. Don't do that.

 

She likely has some other issues, but regardless (completely regardless) of her, figure out why those things went down... for you.

 

Those red flags (neediness and jealousy from her end ) will help you weed them out in the future.

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Thanks again for all the replies. Well we didn't move in but she was spending many nights at my place. Also I didn't even once say to her that I already liked her or missed her. She would say that. I wanted to take things slow.

 

 

Yes I got used to her cause I had started to believe her. We knew each other for months and used to go for drinks and such. But this new dimension between us was for three months only. She used to work at my previous work place.

 

So you see I took it slow. I wasn't sure if we had a future but what hurts is this feeling of being disposable object. And her logic of hurting me.

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Sorry about that bro. First priority is you. Keep your job, you gotta eat. And don't let anyone tell you how you should've felt after a certain period of time in a relationship or whatever. I hate to say this, but you just have to take it day by day and move on. Be upset, be angry but every day take a little less time to dwell on her. Eventually, you'll be over it. I just went through one myself but I take solace in the fact that I treated her well and so I can move on without regret. She keeps trying to contact me, so i'm sure my silence is eating at her.

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What an unfortunate situation. I'm sorry, OP.

 

As others have said, your mistake here was trusting too soon. It sounds like you entered this relationship not fully healed from the sense of betrayal with which your previous relationship left you. It sounds like maybe you wanted this girl to "prove" that relationships don't have to be so painful as you experienced before. That's putting too much on a new relationship. The lesson for you here is not to close your heart, but to be more discriminating. You can't prevent being hurt where people are concerned, but you can use what you learn about people as you go through life to become better able to weed out people who are unworthy, who don't have good/compatible character and values, who aren't self-aware, and who lack depth. You also have to go in with an open mind, yes, but also with watchful eyes. People will always eventually show you who they really are. This girl, by flaking off on you seemingly out of nowhere, just showed you that at best she is not very aware of or honest about her feelings and doesn't attend much to how her actions affect others. I think her response to you was awful--why couldn't she have just explained herself, and apologized? That's what a more decent person would have done--but she put all her cards out in the open and about how underdeveloped she is as a person.

 

No doubt it hurts like hell. But at least you didn't have to spend three years with her to find out her true feelings about you and ways of dealing with other people. She has set you free to find someone of better quality, who treats relationships with care and is genuinely contrite when her choices hurt others.

 

Your task for the short-term, OP, is do pull yourself together enough to keep your job. Work tasks make for a great distraction from emotional pain. Just get into your work each day and focus on doing a good job, task by task. It will generate feelings of pride and accomplishment and these positive things will give you the strength to deal with your emotions. Losing your job over this will just set you on a bad downward spiral that will be very hard to recover from.

 

Chin up. Sure, people are free to do whatever they want, but quality people can manage to do that without being as callous as she was to you.

 

Take a break from dating for a while until you begin to feel more positively within yourself.

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So sorry to read of this breakup. You are stronger then the hurt and more giving then she. Stay well as she is the sick one.

 

No preaching here... just support for you as you are no doubt re examining this person and your view of the relationship.

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Do not let the end of this short term relationship ruin your job. You were not with her very long, so suck it up, be a grown up and focus on your job.

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Thanks for all the replies. I know the relationship was short, and I know I made the mistake. I am just angry at myself that how could I do the same mistake twice. Even though I was congratulating myself all these days that 'this' time I am taking it slow and taking time to trust, still I ended up with spectacular failure. I had checked with this girl in the beginning, put everything in black and white. What could I have been done if someone lies to you or does not understand what they are signing up for even when you lay the things bare clear.

 

Also how one kiss in evening can make someone erase all the feelings for someone they were professing the feelings in morning. The only reason I am not feeling good is because

1. I feel cheated

2. I feel used

3. I am angry at myself for making the rookie relationship mistake

4. While I am hurting and my life, plans have gone awry; other person is enjoying the life her with the new partner.

5. It is extremely painful to be dumped for someone else. Just plain dumped would have been less hurting.

 

I don't mind the acerbic responses. I deserve it, don't I ?

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I don't mind the acerbic responses. I deserve it, don't I ?
No, you don't deserve it, man.

 

As someone who fell too hard too fast for my most recent ex, I can empathize with your situation (mine also dumped me, seemingly out of the blue). She completely seduced me - emotionally, intellectually, sexually. This is not to excuse my own culpability. I really loved her, and she ended it. Of course if I had to do it over again, I would have taken things slower.

 

But love is stupid, love is intoxicating, and even though we are aware of the potential for crushing heartbreak, we go along with love's rush, because it feels so overwhelmingly good. I too have learned the lesson that one must be very careful when getting to know someone, and always guard your heart.

 

You didn't deserve it. You just trusted too soon. Be glad that your heart is as big as it is. Instead of shady as f*ck like your ex.

 

I can only imagine the men and women my ex has banged since dumping me. I do not want to know. My ignorance is bliss, but I know that there are things that could hurt me deeply - still, now, almost four months out of a four month relationship.

 

Some people take us a long time to get over - even if the r/s was relatively short.

 

You will be OK. Have compassion for yourself. Take life a day a time. And do nurturing things for yourself - a book, a run, a glass of wine. A day with a friend.

 

OD

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  • 2 weeks later...

 

Some people take us a long time to get over - even if the r/s was relatively short.

 

 

 

OD

 

I second this, I am 2 months out of a 5 month relationship and just had a huge set back Monday. It was only 5 months but I fell and despite my best efforts I fell hard, really hard. I didn't really know how hard until it ended to be honest. Now I've had two days where I've had back to back anxiety attacks. I know she's not worth the worry, I know she's not worth the time, I know it's not coming back or that I'd even want it if it did, yet here I sit.

 

 

I'm actually here debating sending one last "closure" message to my ex, I went NC for two straight months after the BU and only sent one quick message on Monday with a question, got a one word answer.

 

 

Just stay strong, resist any urges and say "If I feel this way I'll do it tomorrow" then the next day "I'll wait one more day" then another then another. Eventually it should get better.

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  • 5 weeks later...
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It is more than 2 months of NC and I can't do it now anymore. I didn't receive any contact, any sign from her all these days. What's hurting is not the relationship/intimacy, etc, but the feeling of being disposable.

 

I know she had her NYE with the new guy, but how can she forget me like this. That too when I didn't do anything wrong. How could I have meant so little, so disposable!

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