Ms. Ex throwing birthday party for child. To attend or not?

[Jimmo]

Hi There.

 

I'm back on LS after a very long time as an issue has reared it's head.

The mother of my son has decided to throw a party for his 6th birthday.

 

First, some backstory for perspective:

(Sorry for the length.)

 

After a decade long relationship (all but married) and a year or so of relationship strain, Ms. Ex decided to have a brief affair and leave me for a mutual friend of ours. (Needless to say, this person is now a very ex-friend of mine.)

 

At the time, our child was two years of age.

 

After a period of 18 months where her commitment to her decision was, frankly, not solid, Ms. Ex and friend made the decision to co-habitate. This has been the case for the past 3 years. Our son, who lives with them for the majority of the week, is nearly 6.

 

Ms Ex and I have a generally good relationship, centering on being good parents and doing what is best for our child. A kind of remote, yet collaborative form of parenting. We discuss, and come to agreement on most aspects of raising our child - from diet, through education to discipline.

 

Communication is initiated by her 99% of the time, and concerns our child 9 times out of 10. Emails, messages and phone calls are marginally less so these days, but it has always been way more than is actually necessary as separated parents. I have no romantic nor physical attraction to her, but do still have deeper, long term feelings - more a Platonic connection, as surely understandable from one parent to another. She is a good mother to our child, if occasionally very selfish.

 

The past 4 years, whist at times difficult, have been fairly stress free.

Up to around the point where Ms. Ex and partner decided to live together, she and I would spend time together - ostensibly for the benefit of our child, but I suspect in both of our cases early on, was subconsciously to adapt to living apart post-separation. Pickup & drop-off are now decent, amicable, reasonably friendly and usually stress-free. Of course these are conducted "in the street".

 

Now Ms. Ex has decided to arrange a birthday party for our son.

 

School friends and family/friends of hers are also invited. Of this I have no problem. It is in a public place. We live on opposite sides of a large city.

 

Ms. Ex has advised me that her partner (my ex-friend) will be in attendance.

Of this I do have a concern.

 

Ms. Ex's partner and I, formerly fairly close friends, have communicated only once since we separated. I can't remember why - something minor probably. Ms. Ex's actions aside, (which I have come to terms with for the purposes of positive parenting and moving forward personally), I would be lying if I said I wasn't still fairly angry at her partner's role four years ago. I have had some very nasty thoughts towards him. My problem now is that I believe there will be a genuine level of awkwardness, if not straight-out tension if both of us are to attend my son's party.

 

I am not threatened by him physically, and neither of us have violent tendencies, so there will be no confrontation - it has been far too long anyway. At the time of the affair, I asked him to back off so Ms. Ex and I could attempt to repair what was left of our relationship. He promised he would, to my face. He lied. He had no intention of doing so. He has never apologized and has made no effort to contact me since.

 

For what it is worth, good or bad, positive or negative, I am a very proud, principled and fair person. As also a non-religious person, I have no higher need to forgive. I have forgiven my son's mother for her actions after deciding that angry fighting parents could only produce an unhappy child -something I would do almost anything to avoid. I don't think I will ever be able, nor ever have the need, to forgive her partner, my ex-friend.

 

For these reasons, I am now in a bind.

 

I don't want to disappoint my son by not attending his party - our relationship is very solid.

 

So I am expected to put my principles aside and attend.

 

If I don't attend then surely I will be seen to be selfish. I think I may feel so afterwards also.

 

I believe it is as easy to under-think than it is to overthink these kind of situations.

 

As a usually clear thinking, straight speaking man, I am feeling very conflicted right now.

 

Your words & opinions would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks,

 

Jim.

Edited November 18, 2015 by Jimmo

[Marc878]

I'd do something on my own with him. He's only 6.

 

He'd probably like time alone with his dad anyway. Make it special

 

It's your life why do you give a damn what others think?

 

Tell them you already made other plans with him

Edited November 18, 2015 by Marc878

[minimariah]

hello, Jim!

 

first of all -- your writing style is so awesome.

 

 

After a period of 18 months where her commitment to her decision was, frankly, not solid, Ms. Ex and friend made the decision to co-habitate.

 

what do you mean by this - she left & tried to win you back?

 

 

So I am expected to put my principles aside and attend.

 

i'm not sure i understand this part - which principles are you talking about? i don't really know which principles will you break or put aside by attending the party & acting civil with your Ex.

 

i think you should most definitely attend your child's party -- after all, his needs and happiness should be above EVERYTHING... including your principles.

 

if you attend the party, you will hang around and spend time with your kid & probably mingle with other people - realistically, you don't have to say a word to your Ex's partner. in fact, you can tell her to tell her partner NOT to address you and NOT to take any pictures with you - tell him to stay as far away from you as he possibly can. he should get the message.

 

so you go to the party, you have fun with your kid, you ignore the life out of your Ex's partner & your principles will stay intact.

 

i will say one more thing -- do not miss the child's party... you're away from him as it is and i believe that you really don't want him to have a bunch of pictures from his 6th birthday with friends and his mother and her partner but NOT with you. protect your role in his life.

 

may i ask - what kind of custody agreement do you have? you said the child is living with them - was that your mutual agreement or did you want more?

 

next year or even this year - throw him a party of your own, invite some of your own friends and family.

 

and if you will attend this party - bring a date, someone to support you.

Edited November 18, 2015 by minimariah

[kgcolonel]

I fully agree with Minimariah....great points here. I may add just a couple:

 

If you are unavoidably approached by your ex-friend, be polite and exit the conversation, don't engage as this is your child's party.

 

Be upbeat, remember the two of them showed their character in what they did, they don't need you to help enlighten the rest of the group.

 

I am assuming the Family and Friends that are invited are her family and friends, not yours. YOU definitely need an ally here. Ask a close friend possibly a female to give you support as Minimariah has stated.

 

Make the day about you child, bottom line.

 

You can do this, be the bigger person here.

[Confusioncreepsin]

Personally, I would not attend and have your own party. Being from a divorced family, I know that at age 6 I only cared about the kids that were going to be there to play with...could care less if mom or dad were there, or any other parent for that matter. Hell, part of the benefits of being in divorced family is getting TWO of EVERYTHING lol. You know what I mean.

 

Now, as a DAD, I would host my own birthday for your child and do something together. The most rememberable times honestly are the times I got to do something fun one on one with my dad. As a parent, even divorced, you may want to think about the mindset you would probably be in while attending her function. Vibes are picked up and you can pretend all you want, but kids will pick up on it quick. Don't subject yourself to tension you do not want or need.

 

As a MAN, I would never "give in" to her behavior (forgiven or not) and especially a con of a friend. To be honest, internally I would see it as a potential trigger and it would impact my mood...always a risk no matter how well I could pretend. Plus, as a guy, I would feel that I am letting down and doing what she wants rather than what I want.

 

All in all, I would personally skip it and plan a special day for your child and continue to do what you set out to do...make it healthy and happy. Those memories will LAST forever trust me. PS - don't invite her to your day either.

[Dylon]

If it's just for principle. Go. You were invited and welcome. He's 6. He will remember you being there and maybe snatch a picture to share with him one day when he cares. You won't regret your effort. I know it's uncomfortable but just strike conversation with people and the day will pass fast.

[Jimmo]

Thanks for your responses so far.

 

I'm still in two minds about whether or not to go.

Reminds me of a Big Audio Dynamite song (I'm showing my age now!)

 

I genuinely don't know what I am going to do., which is not particularly worrying me - slightly nagging maybe - I do have quite some time before deciding.

 

If i do go, I can predict having to disguise the fact that I'm not entirely comfortable with the situation. I'm not all that proficient with pretending to appear in a mood other than the one I'm actually in.

 

Faking how I feel doesn't come naturally.

[TunaCat]

You need to go. This is not about you, or your ex or your ex's partner who happens to be your ex friend.

 

It's about the child you created together with your ex.

 

So suck it up, attend the party for your SON.

 

Yeah it'll probably be uncomfortable, but you're a grown up.