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How to focus on myself for now?


Valkyria

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Hi all,

 

My ex and I made a mutual decision that being in a relationship isn't the right thing at the moment. He's struggling with a recent diagnosis of bipolar disorder, a host of meds to help control it, a stressful move back in with family because of some bad decisions made while manic, etc.

 

My instinct is to do everything in my power to help, but he says what he needs right now is to focus on himself and try to sort out even the most simple things in his own life.. He told me he didn't want me to "wait" but he knows that it's almost certain that when he gets better he will want to be together with me again. We agreed that even though we do love each other, being in a relationship right now wasn't the right thing. He knows that whether it's as a friend or potentially more depending on a lot of factors, I'm here for him no matter what.

 

Right now, I'm struggling a lot with focusing on me and doing what is best for me (and him). Even though he told me that he needs people to be patient and let him come to them when he's ready (including me now), he's consrantly in my thoughts. I have moderate OCD, and it's making me crazy. I can accept the situation and possible outcomes, but I just can't get him off my mind for more than a few minutes at a time. (Yes, I'm in treatment for this, but this situation has made it MUCH more intense).

 

I've been trying to stay busy, focus on what I want, etc., but my thoughts always quickly go back to him. I'm trying to write in a journal when I want to contact him so that I give him the space I said I will and respect that but get some of my feelings out. I've been texting friends who do a great job keeping me on track. I just can't stop thinking about leaving him a little care package, or texting him to make sure he knows that I love him.

 

There's stuff I want to do with this time to make my own life better (no matter the outcome of this particular relationship), but I just can't figure out how to focus on me instead of him. Anyone have thoughts on strategies I can use or things I can do to get him off my mind for now?

 

Any thoughts are appreciated!

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Well,it sounds like you both do need some time and space to cope. It's never easy turning off your thoughts, but the best way to do it is to make a conscious effort, sitting down with a calendar if necessary, and plan events for you to go to that you would enjoy and reconnect with friends and make plans with them and with family -- and to give no more than a short synopsis when you do socialize of the situation with him, or else if you spend the whole time going over it with them, you've accomplished nothing. If they ask, tell them he's taking some time and you need distractions so let's get busy and not talk about him anymore.

 

Go to museums, take up a hobby, join a meetup for a special interest (google your town name and meetup and it will come up with crap as diverse as star gazing and bird watching). Go try a new place to eat, grab a movie, take a night class and learn to play an instrument or how to kayak, or take a cooking class. The key here is to not just wait for life to happen to you but to plan each week to be sure you are busy and having fun alone or with friends. It forces your focus elsewhere and also makes you a more interesting person than the one sitting around dwelling...

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I did join a meetup group already and I went to one meeting a few weeks ago. I'll try to do more.

 

That's a REALLY good point about not spending the entire time talking about him. I seem to find a way to direct the conversation back to him and I get focused on that. But that's not going to change anything right now, and it's not like their advice is going to change...

 

Since things started seriously going downhill a few months ago, I've been trying to focus on getting healthy/losing weight, so that's one good thing I've been working on. I've lost about 20, and I'm hoping to get down about 40 more, so I'm trying really hard to focus on that too!

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Yes, weight loss is a good thing to keep you busy exercising,w hich also burns off stress. Makes you feel better about yourself and more optimistic.

 

I believe our mind gets in a rut when we are thinking about something too much and that we have to force other thoughts into it by doing activities because I really think sometimes we have to reroute our neural pathways out of that rut.

 

If you also have trouble dreaming about it at night, I recommend this. Before bed, consciously allot yourself 2 minutes or so to make a point of thinking about the situation. Ask yourself what bothers you most about it, acknowledge that; ask yourself if there is anything you can do to improve the situation; if not, why keep thinking about it? And ask yourself what is the worst possible outcome now that this has happened -- and ask yourself, Is it really that bad? So give it its time before bed - and then your subconscious won't have to bring it up while you sleep because your conscious has already dealt with it. then shut it off and go to sleep.

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