After you've mostly moved on...the residue of the whole thing

[Zapbasket]

My ex and I broke up over two years ago now. We have had no contact in that whole time, though he lives a mile down the road from me.

 

When we first broke up, I was devastated. He broke up with me like it was nothing for him, after months of total apathy where our relationship was concerned as well as in his whole life. The apathy lasted for most of our entire relationship. At the same time, I developed a very close relationship with his family, who all expected that we were going to be married. Because I was new in town, his family held huge social significance to me, as making new friends was a very slow-going process. So the breakup itself, done over email after 3.5 years, was very hurtful. Also, with this breakup I saw a pattern about the kind of men I choose and realized there was something wrong with ME that I needed to address. That realization, too, was devastating.

 

In the breakup's aftermath, I considered suicide. It felt like my life was going nowhere due to a number of frustrations with where I lived and other choices I'd made. Moving was not an option; besides, I felt I'd "run away" after my two previous breakups because I moved and obviously it hadn't helped me deal with the personal/psychological problems that contributed to bringing me to this emotional place.

 

I sought out a therapist and got to work. I went on all kinds of outdoor adventures, solo. I got a new job and constantly put myself in positions to meet new people.

 

And now, two years later, I can see the fruits of all my hard work. I have grown tremendously as a person and both my social and work lives here have improved. I feel connected to the work I am meant to do--being an artist--and I feel confident it is only going to get better from here, as all evidence points to me being very much on the right track.

 

I no longer feel devastated over the breakup; I no longer miss my ex to the degree it makes me sick. The longstanding depression I had over the last two years has finally subsided, and I feel renewed.

 

At the same time, there's a...residue...for lack of a better word, from this whole relationship and the breakup that sits down in my soul like sludge. It's still a sense of being blindsided by how little my ex apparently cared. When he broke off the relationship via email, I was CERTAIN he would contact me, due to how I sensed he felt about me throughout the relationship and what I knew about him, or thought I knew. And he never did. Realizing that I'd likely never hear from him brought on a whole fresh wave of grief a year ago that, like I said, I have mostly worked through, but there's a wavering of overall trust in people and closeness that I struggle with now. That's part of the residue.

 

I just can't seem to clear from my conscience the horror of thinking there was so much there between us, that was underscored by the expectations and responses from his family, and then...nothing. I truly believed I meant much, much more to him than his silence these two years indicate I did. I feel afraid of this happening to me again, where I get close to people thinking there's something lasting there, and then, nothing. It's like I never mattered, and that remains as the last and most difficult hurdle to overcome. It's so deep in my psyche that it seems to not even be entirely about my ex.

 

Do any of you out of breakups for a long time, enough to mostly "get over" it, relate at all to what I'm saying, about this "residue" that you have to find a way to cope with?

[AT15]

It takes time.

[BC1980]

I can relate to what you are saying. I've described it as having a bad taste in my mouth about the entire situation. I have a very difficult time describing how I now feel about it all in concrete terms. Just today, I was out doing errands and starting thinking about how incredibly sad it is that we can spend years with a person, share deep intimacies with the person, and, then, in the blink of an eye, it's all gone. To top it all off, the other person chose to walk away. They decided life was preferable without us in it. That fact makes me terribly sad, but coming to terms with this reality was a big part of working through my grief.

 

The best remedy I've found is to make new memories and invest in anyone else but your ex. I neglected a friendship when I was with my ex, and it sickens my that I did so. For the past few years, I've been trying to invest more in that relationship. I've been traveling to new places and making new memories. I think all of this has been good for my soul, but, still, that bad taste remains. Little by little, it gets more faint, but I wonder if it will ever completely leave me.

[Claire Laraine]

I agree with BC1980. Make new memories and invest in YOU. Become your own anchor.

 

Claire Laraine

Clarity in the Chaos ? BELIEVER OF BRAVE

[Friggia]

I can relate to this almost 100%, except that it hasn't been two years for me yet. I thought my ex and I might be on the way towards strengthening the relationship again. He even told me that he would NEVER cut me off from his life as he did to so many other friends in his past (he's got major depression). He told me that it wouldn't be possible for him to do that. Then, one night, I tell my ex that I am going on a trip and his last words to me are "have fun there." And I never heard from him ever again going on five months now, despite my trying to keep it all going. All I got was silence.

 

It's utterly confusing.

 

It's crushing.

 

It gives me anxiety when I think about it because I don't understand.

 

But I've definitely learned how to better deal with anxiety. Maybe you would feel better (as I sometimes do) if you change the perspective. You could remind yourself that you are a survivor no matter what. You can ultimately deal with whatever comes your way, much better than most people can. Here is a quote that may lift your spirits:

 

"It is not the strongest of the species that survives nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change." - - Charles Darwin

[ManyDissapoint]

My ex and I broke up over two years ago now. We have had no contact in that whole time, though he lives a mile down the road from me.

 

When we first broke up, I was devastated. He broke up with me like it was nothing for him, after months of total apathy where our relationship was concerned as well as in his whole life. The apathy lasted for most of our entire relationship. At the same time, I developed a very close relationship with his family, who all expected that we were going to be married. Because I was new in town, his family held huge social significance to me, as making new friends was a very slow-going process. So the breakup itself, done over email after 3.5 years, was very hurtful. Also, with this breakup I saw a pattern about the kind of men I choose and realized there was something wrong with ME that I needed to address. That realization, too, was devastating.

 

In the breakup's aftermath, I considered suicide. It felt like my life was going nowhere due to a number of frustrations with where I lived and other choices I'd made. Moving was not an option; besides, I felt I'd "run away" after my two previous breakups because I moved and obviously it hadn't helped me deal with the personal/psychological problems that contributed to bringing me to this emotional place.

 

I sought out a therapist and got to work. I went on all kinds of outdoor adventures, solo. I got a new job and constantly put myself in positions to meet new people.

 

And now, two years later, I can see the fruits of all my hard work. I have grown tremendously as a person and both my social and work lives here have improved. I feel connected to the work I am meant to do--being an artist--and I feel confident it is only going to get better from here, as all evidence points to me being very much on the right track.

 

I no longer feel devastated over the breakup; I no longer miss my ex to the degree it makes me sick. The longstanding depression I had over the last two years has finally subsided, and I feel renewed.

 

At the same time, there's a...residue...for lack of a better word, from this whole relationship and the breakup that sits down in my soul like sludge. It's still a sense of being blindsided by how little my ex apparently cared. When he broke off the relationship via email, I was CERTAIN he would contact me, due to how I sensed he felt about me throughout the relationship and what I knew about him, or thought I knew. And he never did. Realizing that I'd likely never hear from him brought on a whole fresh wave of grief a year ago that, like I said, I have mostly worked through, but there's a wavering of overall trust in people and closeness that I struggle with now. That's part of the residue.

 

I just can't seem to clear from my conscience the horror of thinking there was so much there between us, that was underscored by the expectations and responses from his family, and then...nothing. I truly believed I meant much, much more to him than his silence these two years indicate I did. I feel afraid of this happening to me again, where I get close to people thinking there's something lasting there, and then, nothing. It's like I never mattered, and that remains as the last and most difficult hurdle to overcome. It's so deep in my psyche that it seems to not even be entirely about my ex.

 

Do any of you out of breakups for a long time, enough to mostly "get over" it, relate at all to what I'm saying, about this "residue" that you have to find a way to cope with?

 

Thank you for writing your post. What you said absolutely resonates with me. My relationship ended just over a year ago and I have 'mostly recovered' as you say. What is left is aptly described as a residue, which unfortunately has contaminated my view on relationships for precisely the same reasons you mentioned about something feeling so completely real, and then one day it's gone--out of your life 100%. I don't know if people like us are extremely sensitive or have abandonment issues but it's hard for me to imagine someone not being profoundly affected by going through that.

 

My own experience parallels yours in many aspects. My immediate family is quite dysfunctional, although extremely attached to each other. Her family was a bit of a surrogate one for myself, which despite their own numerous problems, I had idealized and felt a certain comfort that they were supporting us as a couple. Like you, our families expected our relationship to be on the path of 'permanency' and it was a shock to all when she ended things.

 

I remain in a place that I had been preparing myself emotionally and physically to leave to start a new life with her. I'm still picking up the pieces and trying to rebuild. Like you, I am extending myself trying to make a social life here, and dipping my toes into the dating waters, finding them far too cold and unfamiliar and withdrawing immediately. My depression comes and goes in cycles, although engaging in certain behaviors certainly lifts my depression. When I become very sociable, and take care of myself I feel better. Then after every foray into making a better life I feel disappointment because it doesn't hold a candle to my old happiness, I retreat back into my depressed hole.

 

What is left is a residue. A cluster of memories which I am no longer sure what was fact and what was fiction. It is like my pet, some kind of spirit that accompanies me. Almost an imaginary friend. As if I ever tried to convince anyone of the reality of my imaginary friend, they don't really believe me.

 

Maybe they should make a movie about people like us. Call it, "The Residuals"

 

Thanks for your post.

[Zapbasket]

I can relate to what you are saying. I've described it as having a bad taste in my mouth about the entire situation. I have a very difficult time describing how I now feel about it all in concrete terms. Just today, I was out doing errands and starting thinking about how incredibly sad it is that we can spend years with a person, share deep intimacies with the person, and, then, in the blink of an eye, it's all gone. To top it all off, the other person chose to walk away. They decided life was preferable without us in it. That fact makes me terribly sad, but coming to terms with this reality was a big part of working through my grief.

 

The best remedy I've found is to make new memories and invest in anyone else but your ex. I neglected a friendship when I was with my ex, and it sickens my that I did so. For the past few years, I've been trying to invest more in that relationship. I've been traveling to new places and making new memories. I think all of this has been good for my soul, but, still, that bad taste remains. Little by little, it gets more faint, but I wonder if it will ever completely leave me.

 

All of this, especially the bolded. I can't describe how the breakup affects me now, because I have moved my life forward and have grown more into who I am, as well as into the place where I live. But I have this nagging sense that there is some residual effect of the breakup somewhere in my psyche, subtly affecting my decisions and perceptions. I ask myself all the time these days whether I have difficulty trusting romantic prospects...and I can't tell because a truly viable romantic prospect has not come my way to challenge my psychological development in this regard.

 

And I, too, wonder whether the "bad taste," as you aptly put it, will ever fully leave me. After all, this last ex marked a denouement to a whole phase of my young adult life that was taken up by relationships with men that just weren't satisfying. I so want to find, after this productive time spent single, a relationship that just feels really good, and forward-moving, both in terms of outward milestones like meeting each others' families as well, but also the emotional corollaries that go with those milestones. But I fear: what if I am not open to such a relationship, given the only thing I've known to date are ones that are plainly lacking something?

[Zapbasket]

Thank you for writing your post. What you said absolutely resonates with me. My relationship ended just over a year ago and I have 'mostly recovered' as you say. What is left is aptly described as a residue, which unfortunately has contaminated my view on relationships for precisely the same reasons you mentioned about something feeling so completely real, and then one day it's gone--out of your life 100%. I don't know if people like us are extremely sensitive or have abandonment issues but it's hard for me to imagine someone not being profoundly affected by going through that.

 

My own experience parallels yours in many aspects. My immediate family is quite dysfunctional, although extremely attached to each other. Her family was a bit of a surrogate one for myself, which despite their own numerous problems, I had idealized and felt a certain comfort that they were supporting us as a couple. Like you, our families expected our relationship to be on the path of 'permanency' and it was a shock to all when she ended things.

 

I remain in a place that I had been preparing myself emotionally and physically to leave to start a new life with her. I'm still picking up the pieces and trying to rebuild. Like you, I am extending myself trying to make a social life here, and dipping my toes into the dating waters, finding them far too cold and unfamiliar and withdrawing immediately. My depression comes and goes in cycles, although engaging in certain behaviors certainly lifts my depression. When I become very sociable, and take care of myself I feel better. Then after every foray into making a better life I feel disappointment because it doesn't hold a candle to my old happiness, I retreat back into my depressed hole.

 

What is left is a residue. A cluster of memories which I am no longer sure what was fact and what was fiction. It is like my pet, some kind of spirit that accompanies me. Almost an imaginary friend. As if I ever tried to convince anyone of the reality of my imaginary friend, they don't really believe me.

 

Maybe they should make a movie about people like us. Call it, "The Residuals"

 

Thanks for your post.

 

Beautiful post, and I relate to everything you say. As with you, it's no longer being sure what was fact and what was fiction among the "cluster of memories" with my ex that is part of the painful residue, because within that questioning is the seed of the possible non-validity of my perceptions and judgment. What can be worse than thinking you are close with a person, only to discover they didn't feel that way about you, but maybe they did and just didn't know how to deal with the conflicts you had with each other, but then maybe they just never cared? On and on it goes and it's like a trial for your perceptions.

 

Also, I don't know if you feel similarly, but sometimes I feel like this whole relationship was so exhausting--the getting to know each other, his family, him getting to know mine, all the expectations built up around us, the struggles and my efforts to overcome them alone with little help from him--and then this "ghost-town" outcome, where he just threw it all away without seeming to feel a thing or even acknowledge that we ever had anything--that the idea of going through all this with someone else, even with a more successful "outcome," just makes me feel like, "Ugh, why do I want to even bother with all that?"

[BC1980]

All of this, especially the bolded. I can't describe how the breakup affects me now, because I have moved my life forward and have grown more into who I am, as well as into the place where I live. But I have this nagging sense that there is some residual effect of the breakup somewhere in my psyche, subtly affecting my decisions and perceptions. I ask myself all the time these days whether I have difficulty trusting romantic prospects...and I can't tell because a truly viable romantic prospect has not come my way to challenge my psychological development in this regard.

 

And I, too, wonder whether the "bad taste," as you aptly put it, will ever fully leave me. After all, this last ex marked a denouement to a whole phase of my young adult life that was taken up by relationships with men that just weren't satisfying. I so want to find, after this productive time spent single, a relationship that just feels really good, and forward-moving, both in terms of outward milestones like meeting each others' families as well, but also the emotional corollaries that go with those milestones. But I fear: what if I am not open to such a relationship, given the only thing I've known to date are ones that are plainly lacking something?

 

The thought of trusting someone terrifies me because I'm so scared of having a repeat experience. I can't go through all of that again. So that's where I am with regards to dating. Maybe the residue will always be there, and our job is to turn all of this residue into something positive, something meaningful.

[xpaperxcutx]

If you don't make an effort to move forward, you're the only person holding yourself back.

 

 

12 months ago I thought I would never drudge up the courage to date again, but as more time comes in between me and my past, I am actually looking forward to meeting someone else.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do I miss my ex? Only when I really sit down to think about it. But him leaving me for someone else really just proved to me that he was THE ONE.

I have fell in like and in love with so many people in the past. The only thing that I can focus on is being vulnerable again to allow someone else in. And that's the only way that you will learn to love and to want to be loved again.

[Dylon]

That's just terrible. You didn't have good closer. There was clearly warning signs you probably ignored so everything felt so sudden and one day, 100% gone. Probably, it was gradual and if you slowly had a chance to feel the dying relationship, you would have dealt with the hurt better. Instead of not trusting in love again, how about just be more prepared. I think your next one will be much better. He just handled it poorly leaving you with unfulfilled questions and even today, you are still hurt even though you claim you are over it. Yes, it's no doubt that you were important to him at the time. It will always be part of your past and his, a moment of love standing still with no more pages to add. Leave it. Start a new chapter in your life. It's a better book because you made one before. Pass your pain to art. I pass my emotions through art. It's a great gift to have. Don't be despair, and same with the others here. Tell yourself, the next book is going to be better and less flaws. You just need to give it a chance again.

[Zapbasket]

The thought of trusting someone terrifies me because I'm so scared of having a repeat experience. I can't go through all of that again. So that's where I am with regards to dating. Maybe the residue will always be there, and our job is to turn all of this residue into something positive, something meaningful.

 

I'm right there with you. And I feel like I already can see that I have managed to turn this experience into something positive and meaningful. I feel like all the hurt and questioning the relationship and questioning myself and dealing realistically with my choices up to now have pushed me to grow up in certain emotional areas where, I realize now, I was stuck, for a long time. That feels really good.

 

But I also feel that as part of that "growing up," I no longer presume connection with others the way I once did. I was pretty naive where other people were concerned, before all this happened. I probably still am naive in some ways, but certainly less so than I was. I feel like I have become much more picky. I just don't try to force connections anymore where there aren't very many. I don't feel the same obligation as I once did to make people like me. I've become much more direct and deep down I just feel "over it," in that my patience with interactions that require me to do all or most of the work has dropped to almost nil. And amidst all these changes, I haven't met one guy who has even remotely awakened that sense that here I've found a real match. Most guys bore me. I don't have any more patience to cow-tow to people's lesser intelligence. I am still nice, and am confident I always will be, but I'm much more aware of who I feel is worthy of allowing in emotionally.

 

Maybe I've become jaded. I don't want to be jaded. But I never again want to feel that being with someone was a waste of time, that the person brought little into my life. When my boyfriend from when I was 25-30 broke up with me in 2007, one of his friends said to me, "All along you had much more to offer him than he had to offer you," and though I struggled to see it at the time, I see it in spades now. And I'm angry at myself for not having loved myself more, for three times not having extricated myself from relationships that relied on me doing all the bending while maybe not one of them really ever loved me. I think of that, and then that's when I just get this "over it" feeling.

[Zapbasket]

That's just terrible. You didn't have good closer. There was clearly warning signs you probably ignored so everything felt so sudden and one day, 100% gone. Probably, it was gradual and if you slowly had a chance to feel the dying relationship, you would have dealt with the hurt better. Instead of not trusting in love again, how about just be more prepared. I think your next one will be much better. He just handled it poorly leaving you with unfulfilled questions and even today, you are still hurt even though you claim you are over it. Yes, it's no doubt that you were important to him at the time. It will always be part of your past and his, a moment of love standing still with no more pages to add.

 

Thanks for understanding. I think part of what I've struggled with is that it wasn't so much a progression from going to gone as maybe on his end it was never there to begin with. I find myself wondering, if that was so, then how did I fail to notice this lack, to see the thing for what it was and get myself out of it? He fought me from the beginning. I felt many times that there was a part of him that was deliberately sabotaging the relationship. But then there seemed to be this other part of him that really did want it. But then with the way he obviously has been content to leave things, it seems perhaps he never even cared. These are the answers I will never get. And while I mostly have accepted that, some part of me still struggles with it, in much more insidious ways than when I was in the thick of the grief over it all.

 

Leave it. Start a new chapter in your life. It's a better book because you made one before. Pass your pain to art. I pass my emotions through art. It's a great gift to have. Don't be despair, and same with the others here. Tell yourself, the next book is going to be better and less flaws. You just need to give it a chance again.

 

That's the thing. In every way possible, I HAVE started that new chapter. I took the whole thing as a huge wake-up call, to really claim my life for myself and what I want out of it, and to take steps to get it. If I listed all the steps I've taken, both internally and in action, you would say, "Wow, you've really moved forward." And that's what confuses me. I know I needed to get out of that relationship. I even recognized that while I was still in the relationship. And I firmly believe that truthfully, he held me back. I also believe that had we stayed together, my life would slowly fall apart over the years as I absorbed his negativity and stuck-ness and tried to make everything work despite his attitude. My life would have become all about upholding this very unhealthy thing, and the longer I'd have stayed, the more skewed my perceptions would have become, until I became a pale, weak version of myself, and deeply sad and lost without knowing why. So then why, I keep asking myself, do I still feel this "residue" I speak about? Why the sadness, still, over the loss of this relationship, and of this person from my life? What frightens me is that this sadness sits way, way down in me even while I feel so much more happiness and momentum than while we were together, and I fear it is affecting me in some fundamental way I can't quite put my finger on, but I'll notice it years from now.

 

I sometimes feel that maybe I'm still struggling with self-worth--that there is a part of me that feels it's MY fault things turned out the way they did, that his apathy and irritability was solely due to ME, because he didn't love me enough. I feel this way, because I've never had a person fight for their relationship with me, whether in friendship or romance. Many people have suggested to me, and I've felt myself, that this is because I've not chosen well in the past in terms of who I let into my life and cultivate relationships with. The one best friend I have is the one person about whom I've always said, "I feel she cares about me and about being friends with me as much as I care about her, and being friends with her." I've always felt this mutual energy with her, like it's not all me. I've not felt that with ANYONE else. And I ask myself, why? Is there something wrong with me? Am I not likable in some fundamental way? On some level, I know it's not true--people always like me--but at the same time I fear it IS true, because it seems so hard to find someone who truly loves me. Don't lovable people always have an abundance of people who really love them? I feel like people always really like me from a distance, but when I try to draw close to people, it seems like I'm always the only one wanting to be closer and the other person is content to just maintain a distance.

 

I don't know. I'm just thinking aloud. I so wish I could get to that place where I say, "It's over, and I'm glad, and I really don't think about any of it anymore."

[DontBreakEven]

And I firmly believe that truthfully, he held me back. I also believe that had we stayed together, my life would slowly fall apart over the years as I absorbed his negativity and stuck-ness and tried to make everything work despite his attitude. My life would have become all about upholding this very unhealthy thing, and the longer I'd have stayed, the more skewed my perceptions would have become, until I became a pale, weak version of myself, and deeply sad and lost without knowing why. So then why, I keep asking myself, do I still feel this "residue" I speak about? Why the sadness, still, over the loss of this relationship, and of this person from my life?

 

I ask myself this everyday. I know, 100% logically know that my life was heading towards the sh*tter with my ex. She was unsupportive of my career, my friends, my interests ... I can't even put into words all the way we were so disgustingly incompatible. And yet. I can't stop crying over not being able to speak to her tonight. Not being held by her while I fall asleep. Not being able to tell her that I love her, and I miss her dearly. How does that even make sense?

 

 

I sometimes feel that maybe I'm still struggling with self-worth--that there is a part of me that feels it's MY fault things turned out the way they did, that his apathy and irritability was solely due to ME, because he didn't love me enough. I feel this way, because I've never had a person fight for their relationship with me, whether in friendship or romance.

 

Ya know GreenCove, it's funny. I was writing under a different screen name when I first came here back in 2008, right after my first fiance called our wedding off. You responded to me. You were referencing your first relationship from 2007 I believe. I find it interesting that you mention how after this breakup, it's been just as devastating for you to have to own up to and work on the fact that maybe you just pick bad partners. I clearly do too. The was the first fiance brought me here 7 years ago, then there were a couple short-term messes of relationships in between, until the next one that brought me here: my second fiance, who also, whatdya know, left me like a thief in the night. And now I'm here again for a third time over my partner who decided (after a year of a beautiful budding relationship) that she needed to move back to her hometown - with or without me. That's one too many sudden abandonments for me to feel comfortable with. NOT ONE person I have ever been with has fought for me. I even told my most recent ex that I was letting her go because I need someone to fight for me for once - she's not fighting for anything. I let her go ... and she went. It's devastating. The other night I almost managed to convince myself that it WAS all my fault - almost sent her an email - but then remembered no wait, it wasn't. It really wasn't. I put so much more effort into that relationship than she did in the end. But part of me wished it HAD been my fault. Then maybe I could actually have some control over fixing it. It's not though. And I don't.

 

I, too, live with a residue. I walk around with it held deep inside my soul every. single. day. I think it's starting to make me mean, if I have to be honest. I'm so hurt and angry inside, I have become quite mean. Am I jaded? Definitely. I read somewhere that is a cynic is just a wounded idealist. Welp, that's definitely me. I always wanted the absolute best. And the relationships I had were great. Really were. That's why I was so shocked when my partner would casually sabotage them - tear our bond like it was nothing. It wounded me to my core. But ya know what? I let all that hurt and anger go with each next relationship. I did. I started all over again with the idealism for a great relationship, and put my all into it. And yet again, I was wounded to the core. I am uncertain at this point if/when I will recover. The fact that I have become mean due to my "residue" concerns me greatly for the future. I never got to that point before. I always just kept trying to move forward. Now I feel like I'm giving up. Throwing my hands in the air and surrendering: "Okay, Love. Ya got me this time."

 

How sad. How unbelievably sad. I have so much to give.

[LIFE.GOES.wrONg]

GreenCove, your post really spoke to me this morning. I too was here over 2 years ago after my wife of 15 years (and 2 kids) left me. I won't get into the details, you can find my posts from then. Needless to say, I was devastated as well.

 

I wanted to respond to what you call the "residue" within, and opening up to another relationship. This is my experience (and why I'm back here on these boards actually).

 

About a year after my separation (last April) I met a woman and we had immediate, white-hot chemistry. It was the kind of attraction I honestly had forgotten existed and I was drawn to it in a very primal way. We had a whirlwind relationship. We traveled a lot, spent every minute we had together talking and lying in bed so wrapped up together I didn't know where I ended and she began. On paper, she is everything I ever wanted in a partner and it was honestly one of the best times of my life. I felt I was moving on.

 

BUT, deep down inside me was *something*. Residue? It was easily dismissed at first. I thought it would go away over time as our relationship grew, but a year into it - after meeting each other's family and friends, bringing her into my kids lives, making plans for the future - she told me she loved me... and I just couldn't say it. Sometimes I felt it, other times I didn't and I don't know if subconsciously I felt she wasn't "the one" or if I'm just not capable of feeling "I-want-to-spend-the rest-of-my-life-with-you" kind of love due to the residue of my failed marriage.

 

I was honest with her. She agreed to give me some time but after that, our relationship was never the same. We sputtered forward, me trying to push my emotions forward faster to catch up to her while she began constructing a barrier around her heart as a security measure. We broke up in September.

 

Right now, with the holidays, I feel like I'm back to where I was 2 years ago, sometimes even worse because she loved me (unlike my ex) and I love her but I just couldn't go to that level where marriage was out there for us. I'm trying to stay grateful for the amazing year we had but I also have tremendous fear and anxiety that I let "the one" go because this residue of my failed marriage wont ever allow me to open up to marriage again.