Struggling with moving on because of loneliness?

[jrode23]

I really didn't know how else to word the title, but a huge part of my ability to cope and move on from being broken up with is that I just feel really alone and don't have anyone left in the area to help me do some of the things I need to do to cope and progress.

 

I am about to turn 29 and it's just all very daunting. Prior to meeting her, I hadn't been in a relationship in quite some time and I didn't have a huge social circle. Most of the people in the area that I still talk with (and it's only a few) have hopped out after work to have a drink with me since the breakup, but these people have their own lives and their own serious relationships to tend to. In the year I was dating my ex, it was awesome. From spending time with her, I felt like I developed this new circle of friends who I could talk to/hang out with/etc. When she left me, that left too, and that has been one of my biggest struggles.

 

Now and again, co-workers will hang out after work, but again, it's not a consistent thing. I've tried to insinuate hanging out on weekends and stuff, but again, they have their own friends/relationships, so it's hard to interject yourself in that.

 

I'm just not good at all at being alone. I like being around people, but struggle to find people to be around. I feel like on top of trying to find a girl who values and wants to be with me for the long haul, I have an additional burden of finding friends and it's very overwhelming.

 

I have been putting time into bettering myself. I do for hikes, I play video games, I watch movies, I exercise, I visit family (a lot and to the point I do it just to be around someone), but because I have such little communication with people outside of work and family, I don't make any real progress. Yeah, I can come home, make dinner, workout and the watch TV before bed, and that's great because I enjoy relaxation time and stuff, but it gets really lonely. My phone hardly rings/beeps with texts not from relatives or Tinder matches.

 

I'm really envious of people who developed really close friendships in college. I took kind of a roundabout route to graduating and never made really close friends, at least not who remain nearby. I tried getting on a co-worker's weekly basketball team, but they're full and he'll only keep me in mind to sub.

 

Long story short, I just feel really isolated and alone when I don't have much human contact. Like I loved being with my ex because we would text whenever we didn't see one another and we'd have group text conversations with her friends, etc. Now I have none of that and regardless of doing all these things to try and better myself, it feels like I'm spinning my wheels.

[jrode23]

I should say that I've gotten to the point of accepting that my ex will never come back and that I'll probably never talk to her again. So, while that part of the breakup still hurts, I have at least come to that realization.

 

This other aspect of the breakup is what's making it really difficult. I feel right back in the situation that I was in prior to meeting her and it's just a very unnerving feeling. So much so that I would consider moving back home just to be around people consistently.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Lots of lonely hearts out there this weekend.

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I've been in the same boat myself so I completely understand. The fact that you're at least trying is already better than most so that is something to celebrate.

 

I'm going to suggest the exact same thing I suggested to another poster last night and many others in older posts and that is to volunteer.

 

I'm not sure where you live but I'm certain there are plenty of organizations that require the help of volunteers. Do you like kids? What about animals? Do you have any expertise that might be useful? Are you good with tools or can build things? Do you have a talent? Take some time think about it then do some research on the internet to see what kinds of opportunities are in your area, I'm certain there is something that will fit the bill.

 

Volunteering is one of the best ways to get out, meet people, feel good about what you're doing and make a difference in someone else's life. It can be very rewarding and you can learn a lot about yourself in the process too.

 

It's a start if nothing else. Life can be lonely sometimes but there are people out there dealing with much MUCH bigger problems than not having someone to text with. It's all a matter of perspective

 

Good luck!

[jrode23]

I have considered volunteering, but I haven't really done a ton of research into it. And one of the things about volunteering is that I feel like I don't have an expertise in anything, at least not that could be of value to an organization.

 

I'm kind of indifferent to kids (which I don't think would be good in a volunteer position?) and I like animals, but don't have an extensive history of having them or being around them. I guess maybe it would pay to look into what these volunteering roles entailed, though. I like sports, but I don't think I have the resume of playing/coaching that would make someone want to hire me as a youth coach, etc.

 

And even in scenarios where I'm trying to interact with new people, I feel it's just like dating. People will be nice and say all the right things, but you never hear from them again.

 

I guess it's another way in which I'm envious of my ex. She is an introverted person, so she copes extremely well being alone, yet when she does want to venture out, has a huge social network to do so with. Me, I don't do well alone and have a small circle.

 

It really just feels like she has taken my whole life from me. And while I know it's my fault for making her my main priority and possibly neglecting some other things, that doesn't change things and, to be honest, kind of is who I am.

[StBreton]

Hey J

 

Totally agree with MMB above ... Since you hike you probably live in an area with trails ...there is probably a trail clean up group ... Try that.

 

Is there an alumni group that gets together in your area? If not ... Maybe start one.

 

Have you tried meetup dot com? Lots of specialized groups.

 

If you go to church ... There are small groups that get together for socializing

 

If you like to read maybe join a book club

 

Guys like to get together and play cards ... How about organizing a once a quarter poker game at your house with guys at work ... Might turn into a once a month thing.

 

Also ... If the basketball group is full check your community center for groups there

 

Maybe join a toastmasters group? Go to networking groups.

 

Build your network. Little by little. You can do it yourself ...and it'll be your group ... That won't go away the next time you have a break up

[pidgeon1010]

Even college friends drift apart because of distance. People move away, get married and have kids and can no longer hang out as much, etc. I have a close-knit group of friends in both college and grad school and we all live in different states now.

 

I moved to a state with ZERO friends and recently started focusing on building friendships after my breakup. I started conversing more with people at my workout studio (small) and we hanged out sometimes. I took the initiative to ask if they wanted to do something (and that is VERY MUCH outside of my comfort zone. I am very introverted) and a few of them have become very good friends of mine. That has helped me tremendously in moving on after my breakup. I also joined meetup groups and met people that way. You can join meetup groups for hiking and other activities you enjoy.

 

It sounds like your co-workers could be a good way to develop friendships but you have to take the initiative to ask them directly to hang out (throw out ideas) and use their response to gauge their interest. If they already have plans with other friends, maybe ask if you could join them if it's not something personal/invitation only (sounds awkward but I find that people are generally happy to include others in their social circle if they are aware you're genuinely interested in hanging out).

 

Best wishes to you!

[jrode23]

Thanks for all of the suggestions, as I feel some are very good.

 

It's hard for me to have people over to my place, because I live in a small apartment and there just really isn't room to do any hosting for something like a poker or game night. I've been checking MeetUp out a little bit, trying to find a group that might appeal to me.

 

From just browsing the site, though, it seems as a lot of members are older people looking for things to do. I feel like it'd be hard to build meaningful, lasting friendships with people 20 years older than me, for example.

 

I mean, I am in the young professionals group in my area, but I just haven't gone to any of the events yet, as a lot of them seem to revolve around bar scene and I'm kind of trying to step away from that (at least for a few weeks) because I have been drinking too much since my breakup.

[xera]

Hi there,

 

I am living alone for 10 years now. Then I met this ex for 3 years and we were together. I am now struggling life being so lonely without a partner and currently having depression and anxiety.

 

I understand its hard to be alone. You have to go out there. Excercise. Smile often. Watch happy movies.

 

Remember that people are attracted to happy people, so be happy--at least look like it.

 

fake it until you make it. That's how you make friends. Smile, be friendly.

[Log-in]

That is exactly what i'm going through. My ex broke up w/me 2 months ago. I started focusing on myself and expand my social circle. Its just that I still feel alone and jealous with my ex because he has many friends who have been with him since college and helping him go through this breakup (travelling, going out). I did not have this kind of support system which somehow makes it more difficult for me to move on because I cant vent on the same people over and over again. Travelling and going out isn't that easy because schedules just dont meet. Somebody told me to write everything I feel but it just doesnt work for me..

[2mehappiness]

Yep been there. I was in the exact same boat. I had friends, but neglected to hang out with them while i was in a relationship. I wasnt close to my parents because I was very guarded as they didnt approve of my relationship with my ex. Our mutual friends drifted away as a result of the breakup. So I was very very lonely after the breakup. My world revolved around him. I had planned all my weekends with him and I missed having someone there. I constantly have to fill my weekends with people as I could not tolerate being alone. I was so lonely to a point where I had anxiety, because I didnt want to be by myself.

 

I signed up for meetup groups in my area. I wasnt very comfortable at first but it was such a relief to find people in the city alone looking for friends. I started writing everything in my journal. I find it therapeutic and I can see a tremendous change and growth in myself when I look back on the dates. I became very vulnerable and reached out to my friends, many of whom I lost connections with. Maybe because I was not afraid to share my feelings (due to my inability to control my tears), they have also opened up to me and we now have a much deeper intimate connection. I had no idea that i had such supportive friends until after the breakup occurred. I am now closer to my parents and I am so grateful for them. I started volunteering. It was initially hard to find organizations as I am also indifferent to kids. But its good to go out there and give back to the community. I joined classes at the gym and I dont normally even work out. It feels so good after a good workout. When you look good, you will feel good I am planning to go back to school so the classes will keep me busy. I also downloaded an audible app on my phone because I find it too quiet at home so listening to a book is very soothing for me. Hope this will help the lonely hearts out there. It has been a month since the BU and almost a full month of NC. I still think about him, but the loneliness does decreased with time. Good luck everyone.