I was pulling out of the parking lot at Walmart and saw a truck in front of me. It had a sticker that said "Forever Fearless - Zach Jackson 93-15". The same sticker that is an emblem you have tattooed on your shoulder for your good friend Zach that you lost last year.
Holy eff...was that one hard to see. It was an old man driving and since this isn't the area you and your friends live, it took me by surprise. It made me think about you and how much pain you went through when you lost your friend. Like the pain I am going through now that I have decided to be done chasing you and I will probably never see you again.
Old me would have reached out and let you know what I saw. 2017 me is not reaching out to you ever again no matter how bad I want to. I still miss you like crazy. I hope you are thinking of Zach and taking care of yourself. I still love you B.
You really are physically incapable of being honest, aren't you? You tell me straight to my face that you never messed around or cheated on me with another woman while we were together. Absolute bullsh*t! You're a dog who's never happy with what you have. You're always on the prowl for something more. I know you cheated on me with one of our coworkers, regardless of your protestations to the contrary, and I now know that you were messaging that chick you dated years ago the whole time we were together and that you were planning on hooking up with her as soon as you went home. Why the actual **** didn't you just end things with me before you left if that was your plan?? Better question, why did you pursue me so hard to get into a relationship in the first place?? What, you just wanted me as a place saver for this chick?
You are a selfish and have no morality except when you pretend to have it to make yourself look better to other people. Everything you do is for your own gain and screw the people you hurt in the process. You go on and on about how good of a guy you are and how your always a better friend to people than they are to you. Well maybe that's because the people that you value so highly are people just like you: users, manipulators, and liars. You strive so hard for their approval and care when they just don't give a rat's behind about you. Do you need their validation that badly? But then when you have people in your life that genuinely care about you you crush them under your heel and sh*t on them. You use them for everything they have and then throw them away like trash.
How dare you call me and complain about how your "best friend" treats you. Actually, how dare you call me at all! You want to be friends, huh? Why is that? Maybe that chick you left me for isn't treating you very well? Oh big shock there, buck! She's unstable and full of drama! But you crave her love oh so much because of it. Now you come crawling back to me for "friendship". No, you're looking for an ego boost. My friends are telling me that you're just trying to keep me as a backup plan. I believe it and I will NOT allow you to hurt me again.
I did that huge favour for you the other day because I was trying to be a good friend. Then I find out all this crap! Now I feel like a fool. You must've laughed so hard thinking that you still have me wrapped around your finger. Well, no more. You never deserved me. You don't deserve love. You deserve all the negativity that you've brought upon yourself. You are one of the worst men I've ever met.
I'm so angry at myself for letting you suck me back into your vortex of bullsh*t. I was doing so much better! I felt like I was starting to move on! You must've sensed it with your a**hole powers and contacted me just to reel me back in. You told me that you live by a code of honor and are a genuine person. Was this code written by Satan? And do you even know what genuine means? You're a sociopath with more issues than one can count in a life time.
I'm not going to say that I wish bad things on you because I'm better than that and I don't need that negativity in my life, but I won't cry if your life falls apart either. So take your lies, your manipulation, and your bullsh*t and shove it. Do not contact me again. I doubt you will anyway. I already did you that favour and I'm sure that was the only reason you reached out to begin with. I hope one day you'll see yourself for what you are instead of the lovely delusional illusion you've created for yourself in your mind. That's what I hope for you. But you've been this way for so many years that I can't see it happening. So, go to hell and leave me alone. I'm done.
Why No Contact is important: A BU hurts like taking a piece of sandpaper to your forehead. Every time you break NC, it's you bashing yourself in the forehead with a brick of salt and then wondering why the wound won't heal.
Things are looking up for me as of late. I got through the holidays, which was quite the struggle. But I'm dating some new people now and realizing how much fun it is to meet new people and share new experiences.
Every now and then I see the occasional missed photo hanging around on my phone and I want to message you. I find myself angry every now and then as well.
I'm going to make it a goal to try to help others on this forum for awhile. What I went through was awful, but with all the support I had I felt uplifted and back on my feet faster than ever. My heart may hurt for awhile yet, but I'm now looking forward to every day.
Have just degraded myself for the last time. Told her why i would rather find somebody who loves me. I feel so humiliated and realise i have just added to her sociopathic need for control, but i can't do it anymore, settle for second best.
So today it snowed for the first time ever in the city we live in. We talked about about how we would visit the snow. How you would go snowboarding and I would be waiting for you in our cabin. And we would make love when you got back. And how you would wrap me up and hold me tight in your arms forever. You would keep me warm.
Was it all just a game for you? My heart hurts so bad. I keep wondering if you're with someone else. Wondering if you're making love to her. Telling her how much you love the snow. Telling her you never want to leave her.
Or maybe you're by yourself. Like you said you've always been. Maybe you just needed to be alone. I hope this is true. And I actually believe this more. You said you were never able to let anyone get close to you so maybe our love was too much.
I just don't understand. I so badly want an explanation. But whatever your reason is, it won't help me. It won't help me move on. I stil love you.
Yesterday I had a shift in perspective where I realized that our romantic connection and my feelings about what happened between us are not relevant anymore. It, whatever it was, is over, because you killed it, even if you made me pull the trigger. So it doesn't really matter if I am sad or regret what I didn't say or want you to come back or resent your long, self-justifying letter. Liberating!
Then this morning you text me, essentially, Hi, I miss you.
I wish I could assume positive intent, i.e., that you sincerely miss me, but a big part of me feels that you just want me to soothe your ego/guilt/loneliness. I wonder if you are shocked that I have the chutzpah to ignore you, instead of joining your little harem of "friends," most of whom seem to be exes or orbiters. Yuck. I truly hope that's not the case.
In any event, if you want me to engage with you, if you want anything more than an ego boost or absolution, you're going to have to step up your game. I am not going to respond to this lazy message and risk having you disappear or, heaven help me, deliver the "I don't want a relationship" speech for the 100th time. No way. I probably should have run the first time you gave it, back in September, but I was naive, and lonely, and hopeful. Not anymore.
So yes, I miss you, too. But it doesn't matter, unless you have more to say than these measly little morsels of nonsense.
I don't understand why you did this. When I met you I was in the best place in my life. Everything was amazing and I was super confident. Maybe that is what attracted me to you. I told u how crappy my other relationships were and that I was finally in a better place. You promised you would never treat me like they did and you didn't. For 6 months everything was amazing. And you agreed. I met all your friends, I talked with your family, we basically lived together and every day you told me how much you loved me. And then you f****ng threw it all away.
You were the one to pursue me. Why did you chase me if you were just going to walk away. I wish you would have just left me alone because now I'm in a sh***y place. I talked with your friend today, and he said you love me and that I've been the only person you have ever really loved. But you're going thru some crap. This at least gave me some validation that our relationship meant something. I know what you do and I'm scared for you. I know you're under a ton of stress and you trust no one in your business.
I won't be talking to any of your friends anymore. It just hurts too much and I don't want any updates on you. I just want you to know that you hurt me. That you ignoring me hurt like nothing else. That I cried all night last night. That I lost one of my big clients today so now I'm struggling financially on top of everything else. I can't believe you will just walk away from us because you gotta "focus". I'm so angry at you right now. And you know I have every right to be.
Why are you now so stubborn. You were always the one who expressed you feelings and emotions when you were down or upset and we would always talk it through and work it out. So why is it now you don't want to try and work things out or at least talk about it and see how we go from there? After 6 years you could at least try and work it out. I know it's been a rough year for me but you were always there for me and that's why I love you with all my heart. You were always there to support me.
Why have you changed from expressing your feelings to emotionally withdrawing from me? At no stage did you tell me you weren't happy for whatever reason. I would have dropped everything to ensure you were happy. Your happiness to me is number 1, then mine. I'm only happy when you are.
If you loved me for 6 years, at least have the courage and talk to me. At least have some compassion for me to have some sort of closure. At this moment in time I have nothing from you!!!
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