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No Contact Support Thread [Post here instead of contacting your ex]


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 6th November 2015, 3:35 PM   #1
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No Contact Support Thread [Post here instead of contacting your ex]

<Moderation note: We have chosen this thread to continue our program of creating a common space for members to post in lieu of contacting an ex-spouse or ex-partner while in what we term 'No Contact' (NC). This thread is mainly to provide an outlet for those otherwise contacts and support for that and not to discuss the various aspects of the no contact process or its effectiveness. This thread will be pinned and replaces the very long current thread which will be closed and a link left to this thread for those who have subscribed. Thanks!>

I had the idea to start a thread for those of us who are going through, or at least attempting to go through No Contact.

Post to vent, or reach out for support.

I know I could use the support right now. It's very difficult for me.

Today I contacted my ex through work email concerning a coworker of mine who has been laid off. She agreed to IM with me. (Admittedly, this was a very poor choice on my part, please don't judge)

At the end of the conversation I asked "So can we be friends and end this silence"

She replied back something to the effect of "I have concerns about your emotional stability so I have stepped back to avoid the drama, so no, at this point we cannot be friends."

And while it hurt, I can't say I disagree with her. My emotional state is not very stable, and probably only prolonged No Contact will remedy that.

I'm sure there are others in the same boat who could also use the support.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 12th November 2015 at 9:01 AM..
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Old 8th November 2015, 7:59 AM   #2
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Good idea @howwie324 - I need somewhere else to write rather than initiating contact (which is all I can think about).
Even though I know NC is the BEST option for my situation right now .. I still want to make contact. It's completely irrational and I know we would end up at square one.

I have been journalling my thoughts - ups and downs - about it since we initiated NC which has only been a few days. But it helps. I am having good days and bad days - today I REALLY wanted to make contact.. and then remembered there was no point.

I am leaving for overseas tomorrow for at least 12 months - he told me he was deleting the app that we were using to message each other and I am already thinking of legitimate excuses to make contact via email etc... when I know it's only because I can't stand the thought of NC long term.

If you agreed with her response then it sounds like you know NC is the best for your situation also. It is so hard. You are not alone. Use this to vent as opposed to reaching out to her as she will not say what you want to hear.
I also often tell myself - why waste time and energy on someone that doesn't want to talk to you?
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Old 8th November 2015, 8:25 AM   #3
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I've been down this road enough to know that NC is probably the best medicine. There's zero shame in doing what you know is best for you and helping you to move on.

I've followed the crowd of being friends, tried to be "hip" and mature ala Jerry and Elaine and found that its simply not the way I'm wired. I'm simply not that shallow.

Diving into a friendship prematurely helps noone especially the person that needs the pallet cleanser of nc.
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Old 9th November 2015, 11:57 AM   #4
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Hi guys!

Needing a bit of NC moral support today. I keep thinking that if I casually reach out to my ex (the dumper) and we get talking he will realise he misses me. Ugh I hate how pathetic I sound!

I know I need to stick to it. I'm doing SO WELL with the NC but feeling weak today. Words of wisdom and encouragement would be amazing!

How is everyone else doing?
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Old 10th November 2015, 12:55 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by itisdanielle View Post
Hi guys!

Needing a bit of NC moral support today. I keep thinking that if I casually reach out to my ex (the dumper) and we get talking he will realise he misses me. Ugh I hate how pathetic I sound!

I know I need to stick to it. I'm doing SO WELL with the NC but feeling weak today. Words of wisdom and encouragement would be amazing!

How is everyone else doing?
So far so good, for me, no contact since Friday, not very long, I know, but it's a start and I'm beginning to accept the fact that we may never speak or even be friends again. Which sucks, but I think the best thing for me it to learn to accept that as a real possibility, and work toward being OK with that.
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Old 10th November 2015, 1:51 PM   #6
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Second guessing myself..4 days no contact

It has been over a month since I last saw him (he broke up with me). We spoke in messages after that through whatsapp.
I deleted my whatsapp a couple weeks ago, and so our only form of communication has been through facebook. I haven't seen him since the BU. He lives in another country, but we had a very intense relationship and have met in person. My love for him was real and deep, and I know he loved me too at one point.


It's been 4 days since we last spoke on facebook. I was friendly with him but it just seems weird because I am used to talking to him every day and saying I love you and all that , but also we talked about our relationship the day before that and he left the door open to reconciling down the line. He said he has to figure himself out. It makes it really hard to move on when I feel like he still has some feelings for me, but is just going through some hard things on his own.


He was hurt I deleted my whatsapp and told him to back off because he still wants me in his life. I am second guessing removing him from most of my communication platforms because although I don't want to seem desperate in reaching out. I want him to know he isn't completely alone in things, and I want him to know deep down how much I love him...I just wish he knew that before breaking up with me.
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Old 10th November 2015, 4:22 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by itisdanielle View Post
Hi guys!

Needing a bit of NC moral support today. I keep thinking that if I casually reach out to my ex (the dumper) and we get talking he will realise he misses me. Ugh I hate how pathetic I sound!

I know I need to stick to it. I'm doing SO WELL with the NC but feeling weak today. Words of wisdom and encouragement would be amazing!

How is everyone else doing?


Each day that goes by will be better, maybe not at the beginning, and you might not notice right away, but each day is a step forward not back.
Do not reach out. You don't need to say anymore to him. Actions speak louder than words with guys anyways, if he missed you and wanted you back you would know.
Keep yourself busy. Find a book or go on a girls weekend and unplug (that's what I did this weekend) it will really help you get back to yourself.
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Old 10th November 2015, 4:37 PM   #8
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Once upon a time, two people shared everything and know what's going on. They know the feelings of the other. We can ask and talk. It goes on for a long time. Then suddenly everything goes black with NC. That does a number on your phyche. We are creature of needing answers, knowing, for suvival. Now we are deprived of that.

Of course, then there's the emotion and missing what was once something great and cherished. The path of up and down was carried out through a span of time. Now that path stopped. The mind jumbles all the events into this short period of time. I hate him. I love him. I miss him. He's bad for me. He's good for me. You experience everything at once.

One crazy mind trip!
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Old 10th November 2015, 4:46 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by Silver_star View Post
Each day that goes by will be better, maybe not at the beginning, and you might not notice right away, but each day is a step forward not back.
Do not reach out. You don't need to say anymore to him. Actions speak louder than words with guys anyways, if he missed you and wanted you back you would know.
Keep yourself busy. Find a book or go on a girls weekend and unplug (that's what I did this weekend) it will really help you get back to yourself.
Thanks Silver_star. It's been just over a month of NC and I've deleted him from everything so there's no way of phoning him. I have his email address but I feel strong enough to stick to this. I know that any contact has to come from him. It's just difficult when the dumper doesn't reach out. I know breadcrumbs make things worse and it's good that I'm not getting any ..but it still hurts feeling forgotten about.
So are you sticking with NC? You said you last spoke to him 4 days ago. Are you planning on not speaking anymore? I think that's your best bet for healing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dylon View Post
Once upon a time, two people shared everything and know what's going on. They know the feelings of the other. We can ask and talk. It goes on for a long time. Then suddenly everything goes black with NC. That does a number on your phyche. We are creature of needing answers, knowing, for suvival. Now we are deprived of that.

Of course, then there's the emotion and missing what was once something great and cherished. The path of up and down was carried out through a span of time. Now that path stopped. The mind jumbles all the events into this short period of time. I hate him. I love him. I miss him. He's bad for me. He's good for me. You experience everything at once.

One crazy mind trip!
Very well worded! Definitely a crazy mind trip. In a way, NC has already really helped. I don't obsess about what he's doing/who he's talking to now because there's no way of me even having a hint of an idea of what he's up to. Whereas when I still had him on my social media accounts, I would see the tiniest thing and analyse it to hell! Now it's just the uncertainty of the future that I'm struggling with.
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Old 10th November 2015, 5:18 PM   #10
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Hey Danielle,


I am sticking with NC. He is the one that contacts me, but I think he finally realized that we both need to just get on with our lives and he hasn't tried to reach out in 4 days, and doesn't log on to facebook as much as he used to. I think he is trying to resist his urges to contact me which is good I guess because he doesn't know what he wants still and its just a roller coaster.

I am scared about him moving on from me, and forgetting about me too.
I think we both need to do just that though in order to get any kind of closure on the broken relationship.
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Old 10th November 2015, 8:39 PM   #11
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My two year relationship ended technically 3 days ago, and officially with NC started today at 2 in the morning. I talked about it earlier today in a thread here. It has already started getting tough, realizing that we can never talk again after being best friends and getting along for so long. I know she isn't right for me, I know I want better, and as Silver_star pointed out, I am just addicted to her. I got really comfortable and didn't want to go through this breakup that was bound to happen and that I could feel coming. I am trying so hard to not contact her, because I know I will only try to win her back, and I don't want that.

I don't know if anyone here likes to watch standup comedy (so far been one of my favorite ways to get over this breakup), but in Bill Burr's latest podcast, he compared getting out of a relationship to giving up crack. If you just submit yourself to a little pain and go to rehab for a couple of months, you'll come out a lot better on the other end.

While he does say it in his usual absurd way, it is actually helping a bit. I just need to remember the only reason I wish we were still together has nothing to do with my feelings for her, but the feeling of not being in a relationship.

One of the most positive things I've done so far is started talking to my sister again. I haven't seen her in so long since she moved to more permanently live in the city she goes to college. I actually found out she was also going through a breakup with a guy she's been dating for almost 6 years now. Just reaching out to my family is already helping me feel a lot better!

I'm very new to this forum (and quite new to the heartbreak world as well), and I'd just like to thank everyone here for giving me a place to just share what I'm thinking.
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Old 10th November 2015, 9:33 PM   #12
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Hi everyone

It's good that we can support each other. I tried NC and I gave in few times but I'll keep trying. My gf broke up with me 4 months ago and I still think of her daily. I recently came across an article which I think is good. So I'm gonna paste it here:

Starting over can be scary. One minute you have the rest of your life planned out with someone else, and then the next minute you are trying to figure out how to live your life without that person being apart of it. It's hard coming to grips and understanding that all the memories you have made and all the time you have invested in someone, may all be over. Some of us have so many fears of letting go of a love that just isn't working anymore. We fear that we will be alone for an extended amount of time. We fear that other people will perceive us as failures, even when they will never know all of the facts on why everything ended. We think about all of these negative things without even being able to see the true positive out of the situation which is, we can be happy again. We can get the weight of negative energy up off of us. We can get back to discovering our own inner beauty again and being more proud of who we are. Sometimes we can lose our identity trying to find a way to save a draining relationship. We have to keep in mind that our own personal happiness matters as well and not just the other person. We need to love who we are, before we can love someone else.


Hope it helps everyone of us in healing process
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Old 12th November 2015, 9:32 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by howwie324 View Post
"So can we be friends and end this silence"
I have this feeling a lot. However, I do nothing. You aren't alone. I know how temporally destitute and lonely it feels.

I talk myself out of doing anything, every time and I am a little embarrassed that I make no effort, but am confident that is what she would want and what is best for me.
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Old 12th November 2015, 10:01 AM   #14
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Last night marked a month since you broke up with me. If I said you still didn't cross my mind on a daily basis, I'd be lying. However, the thoughts continue to dwindle. I know you're not coming back and I know you're out seeing other people. Whether or not you're looking for my replacement or just trying to meet new people and see if what we had was special, I don't know. I'd venture it's the former since you haven't reached out to me at all and since you seemed to have an easy time with the breakup.

I still don't understand why it happened or what went south. I'll probably never know, but I could have given you everything you wanted and vice versa. I have been dating casually, just to put myself out there again and while I've met some really nice people, I don't click with them the way we did. When we first met, I had never felt that kind of spark before with anyone and I really thought I had found the person who I had been looking for.

Obviously, over the long run, you didn't feel the same way. I'll probably never get over you. Sure, I'll move on and be happy at some point, but you'll always be the one that got away. I've had a few dreams where you show up at my apartment, tell me how much of a mistake you've made and in them I take you back. It's hard, because I don't know if I could do that if it happened in real life anymore. The things you said to me continue to sting. That you just didn't see a future with me, despite numerous times stating otherwise. The fact that you told me constantly how great I was and that I did stuff for you that no one else had. Thinking back, whether or not those thing were true, it hurts so much that you said those things and then decided to break it off. They were either lies or they were just words and meaningless overstatements that you said just because you were afraid of hurting me. Well, it hurts far worse now than it would have if you hadn't seem so deeply enamored when we were together. I'm at a point in my life where I know what I'm looking for and I genuinely thought you were it.

Sometimes I feel foolish and naive because I bought into everything you said. You were very convincing. Maybe you meant those things, maybe you didn't. It doesn't matter now because you're gone and I'm alone.

Maybe someday our paths will cross and we'll be able to talk. Then again, maybe not. Only time will tell.
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Old 12th November 2015, 12:51 PM   #15
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Again I dream of you. Again I wake up in my bed with tears running down my face. Again I have memories flash in my head.

I wish I could forget you, I wish I didnít care anymore.

But no, I still love you with all my heart and pray on false hope that you will want me back. As much as I want to ďMove onĒ I canít, my roots are still deeply tangled with yours.

I want to be with others to feel better but they are always busy. A good amount of the time I find my self alone, trying to cope with the loneliness. I miss our conversations that lasted though out the whole day, the good morning messages, the goodnight messages, and everything in between.

Itís hard to do all of this alone and the anxiety that goes along with it just makes it worse. I miss your comfort, I miss your love, I miss it all.

As these days go by I know I probably donít even appear in your thoughts, as much as I think to myself and hope to my self that I do, I know that in all reality that they donít. Yet I still find you on my mind every single day, thinking of the what ifs, memories, and what could have been.

Everyday gets harder and it gets worse, like a downward spiral into oblivion. Everyday I am tortured by my emotions and they make me feel worse every second I am awake and even when I sleep.

I wish you would come back to me, I miss you so much and I love you so much.
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