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Fallout from NPD Abuse


HurtinPDX

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As I've written, my ex is an abusive NPD. And the aftermath of his dumping me has been completely reality bending.

 

We came from the same artist's community. When we started dating I thought he was my soul-mate. He is adored by many because he is completely charming. Within months we were engaged; people celebrated. Meanwhile he was castigating me private, gas-lighting, and being incredibly emotionally and verbally abusive.

 

But in public, with our mutual friends? He acted always adoring, always as if I held the keys to his happiness. Each and every time he abused me and broke up with me, he would make it seem to everyone that I was the one who dumped HIM.

 

Fast forward this final break up. I have gone NC. This means I haven't seen most of our community or mutual friends. It is a HUGE loss for me. I'm an artist, I want my community.

 

Today I had lunch with some mutual friends. They talked about how miserable he is. Apparently he is going around acting all sad. I told them point blank he had broken up with ME. They seemed shocked. They told me how "everyone" thinks I broke his heart. Apparently our community has rallied around him to help him "heal" from how I hurt him. This is so crazy making it is as absurd.

 

What the heck do I do about this? I feel like by being NC I am letting him control the narrative. Yet I want to take the higher ground and not feed his NPD. He has to know how this hurts me, but like any NPD he doesn't care. It's scorched earth at this point.

 

Do I fight back? How? Try to walk away and find a whole new community? As an artist I am tied to this community, I don't want to lose them. Do I accept all these people are always going to think bad of me?

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This happened to me too recently. I've been asked to come back. And last week I went to an event, and the Narcissist I fell out with cornered me after several months of NC. They begged for my friendship and begged me to come back to the community.

 

This is a person who gaslighted me and smeared me. They said they would publicly recant their remarks if we could just go back to "normal." But is that the kind of normal we want?

 

As for me, I was torn between compassion and sentimentality, and feeling completely drained and more sure than ever that the person is bad news.

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This happened to me too recently. I've been asked to come back. And last week I went to an event, and the Narcissist I fell out with cornered me after several months of NC. They begged for my friendship and begged me to come back to the community.

 

This is a person who gaslighted me and smeared me. They said they would publicly recant their remarks if we could just go back to "normal." But is that the kind of normal we want?

 

As for me, I was torn between compassion and sentimentality, and feeling completely drained and more sure than ever that the person is bad news.

 

Exactly. It is as if they are thinking, "If you won't let me abuse you I will make sure everyone hates you." They have to be in control of the narrative at all times.

 

I saw my therapist this morning and she had great advice. She said to be brave and walk back into my community as if I deserve to belong there, and I do. When mutual friends bring him up this way, I should respond, "I am sorry X feels he needs to blame me. It is painful to me and I don't want to discuss it." Then change the subject. No matter how popular he is, eventually people will get tired of him playing the victim. Or if they don't, who cares? Not everyone will buy into it for the long-term, especially not if we continue to be the good, kind people we are.

 

That said I am maintaining NC. I will not go to an event he is at until I am fully healed.

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It's awful when you walk into an event wondering what they're saying before you got there and what's being whispered out of earshot. Some of it's paranoia I suppose, except I know for a fact how this community operates. It's very high school, a lot of trash talk, a lot of "you're in the harem until you displease us."

 

So in my case I'll be spending less time there. But when I do, I want to feel welcome and comfortable. My person all but apologized for destroying that, said they wanted me to come back and feel safe and wanted. Kept saying "I like you and I wanna be friends" like mantra.

 

I'm glad you're seeing someone, I haven't had a therapist in a while just using support forums and books. I could really use a counselor who gets it,

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elephantflower

Hi HurtinPDX,

First I wanted to acknowledge your pain. I'm so sorry that you recently went through a breakup and to make that even worse a breakup with a NPD. You are so incredibly strong to pick yourself up like you have and try to move forward the best you can -- you are inspiring.

 

You DIDN'T do anything wrong and if being part of the community is something you enjoy the you should go back with your head held high. I understand the feeling of shame that you can feel when someone has abused you. If you are able to get into a mentality now of believing you deserve that community just as much as he does then the better off you will be.

 

I think that is a good move on your part waiting to be at events with him until you are healed.

 

Keep taking care of yourself and coming here.

 

I was in a relationship with something similar although I haven't been able to figure out if it was narcissism.

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I am trying to figure out if he is diagnosed NPD or if you are just using the label as a reference? Actual NPD is pretty rare.

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I am trying to figure out if he is diagnosed NPD or if you are just using the label as a reference? Actual NPD is pretty rare.

 

During the relationship I talked him into going into counseling with me. After many sessions the psychologist told me (and him) that he is NPD. At that point I was completely convinced everything was my fault. I had gone from someone who was confident, happy, high functioning to a complete wreck. I don't know if he has had anyone else tell him is is NPD. Once the therapist told him that he never went back. He made it my fault, too.

 

Personally I don't know if it matters to me if he has the diagnosis. What matters is four years of a relationship with him almost destroyed me. That's what I am trying to focus on...heal from....including the crazy-making stuff where I still feel like it was my fault. Of course everyone has flaws, but I need to battle the idea I deserved to be abused, belittled, raged at, scorned and treated the way he treated me. Hope that makes sense!

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Don't allow yourself to be put in a situation where you're going to feel drained and lost. The sign over the door says "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here." Don't go in. Self-care over the needs of everyone else. Has to be.

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